THE BEAST SCIENCE SECTION

With Professor Riordan

Many of life’s little lessons have been pounded into our psyche through repetition by well-meaning elders and advice columnists: "When in Rome do as the Romans do," "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," "Close only counts with horseshoes and hand grenades," rules we hear so frequently from cradle to grave that we never stop to question their scientific validity. Until now, that is. The BEAST is here to debunk many of the cutesy little slogans of society’s sages through the scientific method. It’s a gift we give to you, not because "it’s better to give than to receive," a statement proven untrue by the institution of oral sex, but because we take the process of Keeping It Real very seriously. It’s our job.

EXPERIMENT ONE:

"A WATCHED POT WILL NEVER BOIL"

A basic, controlled scientific experiment is all it took to test this hypothesis. I simply tested the amount of time it took to boil a pot containing a liquid substance comprised of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen while I watched, and then compared it to the amount of time it takes to bring same liquid to a boil while the container was left unattended.

TRIAL A: WATCHED POT

With the burner set at medium and both optical orbs focused intently upon the pot, it took exactly four minutes and 37 seconds for room temperature water to show the first signs of boiling. The scientific community and world at large will be shocked to hear that this age-old adage has been proven false.

TRIAL B: UNWATCHED POT

Although the hypothesis "a watched pot will never boil" has already been disproved, I felt the need to take the experiment a step further. Now that we know a watched pot of water will indeed boil, it is interesting to question whether watching the pot has any effect whatsoever on boiling time. In TRIAL B, I turned my back to the stove and watched a timer. At exactly four minutes and 37 seconds I twirled around and, much to my chagrin, found the water already well on its way to a full boil. I recorded the results in my lab book and began to ponder the ramifications of this ground breaking discovery.

THE TRIPPY CONCLUSION

The world has lied to you. A watched pot of water will indeed boil. Will an unwatched pot of water boil? Well, it should be noted that upon turning around and examining the water in TRIAL B, the pot became, by definition, a watched pot. Whether or not an unwatched pot of water will boil can never be known, as we will never know the sound of one hand clapping. My experiment has been a success.