Aries(March 21-April 19)

Aries, your moon is in Saturn, so it’s about time we had a chat about your personal hygiene. Put simply, you smell like a Baboon’s taint, and the people around you simply can’t take it anymore. Your Hippie ideals may support your aversion to deodorants and soap, but the olfactory senses of the poor bastards that have to sit next to you at work can’t support your stink. Take a shower, Aries, or move to Calcutta; the choice is yours.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, Taurus, Taurus, in case you were wondering why they make dandruff shampoo, just take a quick look at your shoulders. If that was snow it would have melted by now. If you insist on wearing dark colored shirts, then I must insist on some “Head & Shoulders.” You may enjoy the ticker tape parade that your head is throwing, but the rest of us just want to have a dead skin free conversation with you. Look to Mars, Taurus and remember, “Lather, Rinse, Repeat.”

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, you may still think that you’re “in the closet,” but the fact that your Dad cries himself to sleep every night may be an indicator that the proverbial cat is out of the bag. If all of those Ben Affleck posters weren’t suspect enough, the “International Male” catalog you left on the coffee table was. Your Dad will get over it, but you may want to give him a little time adjust before you tell him about the home video you made while wearing his patrol uniform.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Sweet Cancer, irony will visit you soon when you find out that you Cancer in fact have Cancer. The Melanoma is growing as we speak. In fact, it’s located inside your head, just above your right ear. Curiously, it’s close to the spot where you have that fucking cell phone of yours 24 hours a day. All those calls don’t seem so important now, do they asshole? Just a little something to think about while lying in bed, praying for the incontinence to stop.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Hey Leo, I bet you’ve been wondering why your friends have been looking at you with sly smiles lately? Well, you know that really hot chick you were making out and playing grab-ass with at the club on Saturday night? The thing is that the chick was a dude, and his name is Barry, and he’s a high-school janitor. You might have taken a moment to figure things out before you got the hummer in the V.I.P. Room, but it’s a little too late now for regrets. You just might want to cancel those cruise tickets you promised “her.” Then again, what the hell, right?

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Hey there Virgo; a friendly reminder to you that the next time you decide to take out your bad day on the wait staff of a restaurant, you might want to keep in mind that they have access to your food well before you do. They may have wanted to spit in your face, but they settled for your clam sauce. That cold you have didn’t come from overwork but rather from Ron the line cook. Look to Venus for balance, Leo, and don’t forget to tip well.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, you are an ASSHOLE. Not just any asshole, but the kind that leaves a friend standing at the airport like an idiot so you could catch the latest episode of “Angel.” I hope it was a good episode. Did Angel beat up the monster? Well just take note, because it’s nothing compared to the ass-whupping awaiting you when next I see you. I would have parked my car at the airport for the week I was gone, but some dickhead Libra asked to use it while his car was in the shop. Look to Uranus, Libra, because that’s where I am going to shove those cool pint glasses I brought back for you. Then maybe next time you’ll throw a tape in the VCR and press record, asshole.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Dear Scorpio, I have a confession to make. The other day when you were carrying all those grocery bags and slipped in that dog shit causing you to fall and hit your head on the street lamppost. Well I was the person laughing too hard to help you. In fact, it was so damn funny I actually lost some bladder control. That high-pitched scream you let out coupled with groceries flying everywhere was pure old school comedy that kept me laughing for hours. Later on that night I started to feel a bit guilty but then just started laughing again and shot milk out my nose all over the dog’s head. In fact, I’m laughing so hard thinking about it right now that I can barely breathe. Your moon is in Jupiter, Scorpio, so there is a chance the speech impediment isn’t permanent.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Dude, that grass you sold me was bullshit, Sagittarius. I could get higher off of lawn clippings. I might not be able to call the Better Business Bureau on your stingy ass, but I can kick you in the nuts and bitch slap your ass in front of your girlfriend the next time I see you. So you have about two days to make good on your “mistake” before I start to remember the names of certain people to whom you owe money and let them know what dorm room you are in now. Look to Neptune, Sagittarius and don’t make me punk your ass.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Oh my Capricorn, how may I describe thee? The word WHORE comes to mind among several others. If this city were Babylon, deer would be using you for a salt lick. For the love of Pete, can you try to keep you legs closed long enough to get a name once and a while? Your Dad might not have paid enough attention to you as a child but filling up on every dick that crosses your path will not make up for it. Try going on a date for once that doesn’t involve opening the car door to spit. Mercury calls to you with advice Capricorn, you may want to slow down now, for you may be First Lady someday.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

When I look at you, Aquarius, I think “now there’s a guy that belongs on Death Row.” It’s not just that you’re creepy to look at; it’s all of those taxidermied animals in your attic and how you keep thinking about finding something “bigger” to work on. Please check yourself in to an institution before neighborhood can-collectors start disappearing. Get some help, Aquarius, and NO I do not want to come over for “dinner.”

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, you’re the kind of jackass that joins a cult and asks for an extra big glass of Kool-Aid. I am not just saying that you’re dumb, I’m saying that you are kind of idiot that infomercials are made for. Remember the car wax that gave you third degree chemical burns? It’s time to stop being a sheep and make some decisions for yourself before you start buying real estate for no money down. Look to Saturn, Pisces, and realize that Tony Robbins doesn’t give a shit about you.

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