____________[sic] : your letters__________________


ASS IS

Dear Sir:

Ames’ interview with Nordquist’s ass only goes to show that you have to be an ass to know an ass....Thankfully, Mark is in Buffalo blowing his hot air instead of Moscow these days...

Enjoy !

Robert Bridge

Dear oblivious windbag,

We understand that you’re from Russia, and may have difficulty reading English. What we don’t understand is how you could have read a whole article when you can’t even read the author’s name correctly. Matt Taibbi wrote the article in question. Mark Ames does not, nor has he ever worked for The BEAST; in fact he’s got some kind of problem with us, so go find him and interview his ass, you Norquist-loving commie bastard.


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EUCLIDEAN QUOTIDIAN

I savored the delicious irony that was “Return of the Nader-Bot”...I mean a one-dimensional lambasting of a candidate for being one-dimensional. Wow! Your spoof piece is a chilling reminder of how idiotic the media is becoming thanks to their systematic removal of any sort of multi-faceted debate.

Huzzah!

-Clubber Lang

Dear Clubber,

For the last time, people, it’s “two-dimensional,” not “one-dimensional!” If they were one-dimensional, neither Salamone’s admittedly simplistic article nor Nader himself would be visible, let alone subject to criticism. You may believe there is no depth to the piece, but hey, you’ve gotta admit it has width, right? Besides, where do you get off? We have trouble taking literary analysis from Mr. T very seriously. I pity the fool who messes with our former editor!


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INDEPENDENTLY STUPID

Go Back To Russia

I’m an Independent. I vote for whomever will do the best for our country. I don’t care for either Republican or Democratic parties. About the lies. What politician doesn’t lie? What lie are you talking about exactly. The WMD’s? As a veteran of the first Persian Gulf war I knew that oneday we would have to go back into Iraq. Saddam Hussein was an evil, brutal dictator who killed thousands of Iranians during the 1980-1988 war. Hussein gasses his own people the Kurds, killing scores of innocent old men, women, and children. Saddam Hussein invaded his neighbor Kuwait, and we had to get his ass out of there by force. John Kerry voted against it, but luckily the UN and the world knew better. Whether it was bad intelligence or someone wrote the Presidents speech to include these accusation, how could you prove that our President lied to us? You can’t!

We would have had to go into Iraq anyway. I guess you don’t know that Iraq/Saddam was firing at US and coalition aircraft almost every single day to try and shoot down one of our planes and capture our pilots. I guess you didn’t know that Saddam Hussein was giving terrorist blood money. Ten thousand dollars to every terrorist who kills himself and an Israeli, and twenty-five thousand dollars when the Israeli’s tore down the house of the terrorist to give to his family. Much more to kill and American or bring one in as hostage. I guess you condone terrorism, or are soft of it, and if you hide your head in the sand like John Kerry would have us do, that the terrorists would go away. Sorry, no, this won’t happen. Bush may not be our best President, but he’s doing his best to protect you, me and our country, and that’s what counts. If you want to blame United States President George Bush for all the world’s problems, then that’s your right under the US Constitution. I fought ten years for our country until I became injured. I’ve seen what goes on overseas. The US is the only country willing to do something about terrorism. Others just sit back and whine and bitch like you do. That won’t get the job done my friend. It takes a strong nation, strong leadership, and our brave troops to get the job done.

Dear Tragically Misinformed Idiot,

You’re right. We can’t prove Bush lied, because it has already been done several times over by more prestigious publications. You’re right. The US is the only country willing to do something about terrorism, like get it started in the first place by constantly toying with the downtrodden nations of the world, and keep it going by continuing to fuck with them. Hussein, horrible as he is, was never a threat to this nation, and if you believe he was, it only furhter indicates what a limited grasp of reality you possess.

What’s really sad about you is that it’s clear from your letter that you know you’re spewing bullshit. Instead of denying the fact that Bush is a worthless liar, you say we can’t prove it. There’s an implied admission of guilt there, like a murder suspect telling the cops that they can’t prove anything. As far as Kerry being a coward, may we remind you that he too fought for our country and was wounded, while your beloved Bush was skipping National Guard duty because he was too busy partying. Bush is not concerned with you, me, our anything but serving his evil corporate sponsors, period. Accusing us of condoning terrorism is the modern equivalent of calling us communists in the ‘50s. You may have “seen what goes on overseas,” whatever the hell that means, but you you are clearly blind to the tremendous evil that is happening in your own country. You are not only “soft of it;” you are the kind of dipshit that defends and enables such evil. Congratulations. And you’re damn straight it’s our right under the constitution.


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BANK WANK

The morning and I greet the everyday people I work with. I enjoy what I do most of the time. I think everyone I see works hard and puts forth a genuine effort. The point of my letter however is not about what I do. Its about bank tellers. Peculiar, their lowly niche in existence . They walk around their little counter and glass confines keeping

notes and handing out crisp dollars. It’s something about their squeaky clean card shuffling hands that creeps me out or perhaps their attitude that they’re doing you a favor. Any ways I recently got a statement in the mail informing me that M&T had just charged me thirty dollars due to insufficient funds when I attempted to pay a mortgage payment. I thought to myself…“Wait a minute!” I remember paying that! I clearly asked the clerk for the balance in my checking account. She gave me her slip of paper pointing to

the figures. Recognizing I had more than enough, I went ahead and made the payment with a combination of check and money order.She never told me there were insufficient funds! Then two weeks later They’re kind enough to let me know they just snagged thirty of my dollars because the money order required a three day clearance! Oh, those sons of bitches…

Now, I’m getting to that age when you understand that anger and throwing shit never really helps. I get in the car and drive over to the bank to argue my situation. I enter the fake temple-like structure, columns, heavy metal doors, reverent silence. Exchange cold greetings with the first hag who sends me to the hags at customer service.

There, I explain what happened and argue the point that had I been told there were insufficient funds to make that payment, I would have done so by other means. I should not pay a penalty because the clerk failed to inform me that the “available balance” was insufficient.

The fat old crusty hag hits me with a classic. “Sir, The original mortgage agreement you signed holds you responsible for maintaining sufficient funds when you make a payment.”

No Shit, you self righteous, contemptuous, pencil pushing mustard potato salad downing leach of society! Your Mama’s family droid clerk should have told me this before she let me complete what I thought was an honest mortgage payment transaction! Arrgggggggh.

Ok, chill It’s only thirty dollars. But it’s the fucking point isn’t it? It’s the point that this Buick LeSabre driving Niagara Chocalate popping broad thinks she going to teach me a lesson in accountability.

In the increasing collar heat, God must have cut in (He looked like Red Foxx by the way) telling me “Hey this stupid bitch ain’t worth it. Let it slide.”

I backed up smiled and left the bank. Twenty yards towards my vehicle, I realized I had not verified if the payment ever did go through. After they helped themselves to my thirty dollars that is. I returned to ask the jolly witch only to catch her whinning to her other bank zombie about the nerve of me raising such a fuzz.

“Please spawn of a gutter rat just tell me if my payment went through.” “Yes, Its paid” “thank you. Have a good day.

I feel better all ready.

-James Brown

Dear James,

That’s what you get for submitting to the money-lenders and their devious ways. We keep our money stuffed in a box under the floorboards in a secret room...aah what the hell are we talking about; we don’t have any money. So, boohoo to you, and your brother Ivan.



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