Drug Tests:

Soiling the Constitution

by Chris Abbey


Drug test. Those two nasty words make most Americans shiver in their boots even if they arenít in the habit of smoking marijuana, snorting cocaine, taking heroin, LSD, Ecstasy, PCP, crystal meth or any other of a number of mind altering substances. In this country illegal drug use pales in comparison to the consumption of alcohol and prescription medicine but since the invention of the politically expedient War on Drugs, Americans have been coerced into giving up their freedom because the government is hell bent on legislating behavior. Instead of taking to the streets in mass protest citizens have conformed like robots in order to get good jobs or keep good jobs because letís face it, principles are one thing, living well is another.

Of course drug testing is a good idea for people like astronauts, airline pilots, military contractors, heavy equipment operators, and so on but not for Rite Aid and Kmart associates. Itís one thing if youíre a State Department employee with access to top level classified material, another thing entirely if your job consists of asking people if they want their order super sized. At the rate weíre going eventually youíll have to urinate in a cup to ride the Metro Bus, but this is the same country which eagerly passed the Volstead Act prohibiting the manufacture, distribution and consumption of alcohol that gave rise to the Mafia.

We can thank Ronald Reagan for this mess. In 1986, he proposed testing for all federal workers and in 1988 the Drug Free Workplace Act was passed by Congress. This act, concerning grant recipients and federal contractors, did not require testing but said it was the best way to ensure a drug free, safe, work environment. It didnít even matter that some workplaces, like a steel mill or a fishing boat, are naturally dangerous while others, like office jobs or retail stores, arenít dangerous at all, it was an issue of "safety" and who wouldnít want that? Suddenly mass drug testing was a reality and the War on Drugs had a powerful new weapon: surveillance. A huge new industry was born, one that rakes in almost $2 billion a year.

Drug testing is a clear violation of the 4th Amendment, "...the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures... (without) probable cause." This didnít stop employers from instituting drug testing policies because they are "voluntary", if you donít want to take it you donít have to. Of course youíll be fired and have to find a new job, but thatís the price of being a nonconformist. So when one company in an industry started testing they all did because nobody wants to be the company that hires people of "questionable" character, it would kill their reputation. Just like that, drug testing became standard for half the employers in America and itís now a well established process like the background check.

The biggest problem with drug testing is the fact everyone is considered guilty until they prove their innocence, completely disregarding individuals and calling into question everybodyís character without any probable cause whatsoever. This is a huge source of power to the government, employers and drug testing companies, a simple way to spy on citizens in good standing, all in the name of creating "safe" workplaces. Itís also created a major double standard; alcoholics on the job are acceptable but drug users face a zero tolerance policy. That means a weekend pot smoker who fails a drug test will immediately be fired while a worker who shows up drunk is covered under the Americans With Disabilities Act. The company will actually pay for an alcoholicsí treatment but the drug addicts are unceremoniously kicked to the curb.

It would be one thing if drug tests were infallible but they are far from being 100% accurate. There are too many cases of people failing drug tests and losing their jobs because they took legal medications like Alka-Seltzer, Nyquil, Sudafed, or Ibuprofen among others. As more companies get into the profitable business of drug testing, offering cheaper, faster products, the accuracy rates have gone down, not up. The FDA approves new products solely on the basis of a companyís own testing, there is no independent review and employers stand by the results whether or not they are using a flawed product of dubious origin.

So people get fired because they had a cold and the zero tolerance policy forces them to either hire an expensive lawyer and fight in the courts if they can afford to or find a new job if their reputation hasnít been completely destroyed. Now the courts which interpreted the Fourth Amendment correctly for two hundred years are moving to allow testing of high school students, pushing societal conformity before kids are even old enough to work full time. Thatís not freedom, itís a devious dictatorship where people are afraid to speak out because they will be ostracized and discredited.

All is not doom and gloom however. As drug testing has become more and more prevalent so have body cleansing products. Users have a good idea when they will be tested, usually during the pre-employment screening process and they can either abstain or cheat. In effect, drug tests no longer test for drug use, they test intelligence; those stupid enough to fail are idiots employers donít want hanging around anyway.

The easiest way to beat a drug test is not to take drugs long enough before the test so your system is clean, but not everyone can do that. If youíre under the gun go to the head shop and buy a detoxifying drink, itís expensive, over $40, but works very nicely. With these you chug a lot of water in the days beforehand to get the fluids really flowing then take the drink an hour or so before the test. They work by retaining all toxicants in the body and allowing only clean, pure urine to enter the sample and work so well companies offer a double your money back guarantee. Try getting that deal on any other product in the world!

Some people have jobs where random, on the spot drug testing is a problem and that requires more preparation. They carry things like concentrated synthetic urine with them or additives that guarantee the removal of any toxicants, but these only work if you can use them undetected. One old trick is to get a clean sample from a trusted, non-partying friend and carry it in a condom under the armpit where it remains warm enough to pass testing temperature requirements, again only if you can manage this undetected. Thatís old school, though, Stoner technology has brought us The Urinator, a work of genius which is 100% effective in any situation, even someone standing behind you at the toilet. The Urinator is a battery powered unit which keeps the sample in itsí bladder at a constant temperature. A small tube with a clasp from the bladder allows the user to simply unzip, fill the cup, and leave knowing theyíve turned in a completely clean sample. It costs $150 but thatís a small price to pay for job security and the unit will last for years.

So now there are two thriving industries, one for testing and one for beating the tests. Itís a silly cat and mouse game of evasion and detection, just like all the idiocy that went on during Prohibition. The fact that drug tests are an illegal invasion of privacy and an offense to personal dignity means nothing anymore but intelligent drug users are fighting back in unique ways. And they are winning the War on Drugs. Employers are well aware how easy drug tests are to beat and tough policies have been downgraded and even abandoned in some cases because they are expensive, the results are unreliable, and the issue can be extremely divisive in the workplace. Most employees are safe once they pass the first test and unless theyíre involved in an accident on the job they can work all day and get stoned all night without too much fear Big Brother is monitoring their behavior.



Pissing and Passing: Taking The Test

So you got a great job offer and the only catch is you smoke dope like a chimney and they want to sample your bodily fluid before they actually hire you. Have no fear, hereís what you drug test virgins can expect:

First of all, quit using toxicants, stoner and start drinking gallons of water a day to cleanse your system. If youíre not a heavy user you should be clean within three or four days. If your system is saturated or you donít have that much time youíll need some help. Spend the long dollar on the drink and follow the directions like your life depends on it. These are a lot easier to use than products you have to mix with water or add to your sample on the spot, especially if your test is observed. Make sure you urinate frequently the day of the test, the fresher the sample the more saturated your system may be. When you get to the testing center and sign in youíll be shown to a bathroom, given a cup and hopefully left alone. They pour a dye in the toilet and tell you not flush so the toilet can be inspected afterwards for any cheating. Take your time filling the cup and make sure you leak all over the place, remember, this is an invasive, disgusting , undignified process and should be made as unpleasant for your testers as it is for you. Hand the messy cup over with a smile, it may look like neon lime Gatorade but donít worry, the test should find toxicant free urine. If it doesnít youíre in line to get double your money back and that $85 should buy enough toxicants to blind you to the fact youíre still unemployed.



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