Due to public condemnation and stiff legal penalties, drunk driving has become one of the biggest social no-nos of modern times. However, the activity of drunk driving can be not only exciting, itís also sometimes quite necessary. I mean, how can you operate a motor vehicle while intoxicated if youíre not drunk driving? Quite simply, you canít. Most respectable adults would gladly take the risk of being pulled over for DWI in order to avoid the prospect of walking a far distance home at 4:00 a.m. in a drunken stupor.

It may seem like Iím glorifying drunk driving. I am. It is one of the coolest things a person can do. By tossing caution to the wind and engaging in reckless, possibly deadly, endeavors, a drunk driver proves to the world he has big balls. It also clearly demonstrates a propensity for alcohol, the ability to "handle your liquor."

In the modern youth culture, dangerous activities are a focus of both adolescent aggression and entertainment. Like skateboarding or rollerblading, drunk driving is an "extreme" sport and wussies need not apply!

Only good motor skills and hand-eye coordination can save you from a collision or a dive into the river, but if you follow my advice you can optimize your drunk driving experience and decrease the chances of death, loss of limbs or incarceration for engaging in the art of drunk driving.

First of all, park a good distance from the bar you are drinking at. This will give you a few extra minutes to sober up before getting behind the wheel, but it also accomplishes another objective. Cops often park and lurk near drinking establishments around closing time and watch for drunk-looking people getting in their cars. Itís called cherry picking, and as dirty as it sounds it is a weapon of the enemy you should be aware of. By parking far away you avoid the prying eyes of Johnny Law.

Youíre going to want to chew on some gum or pop some breath mints after you stop drinking. This will cover the stench of alcohol. And if youíre actually drinking while driving, make sure you throw the cans out the window and spray potpourri air freshener in between beers. One of the biggest giveaways when you get pulled over is the smell of the alcohol. If youíre car smells like a brewery when the cop makes you roll down your window, consider yourself fucked.

When youíre driving, avoid congested areas. Not only does this minimize the amount of potential vehicular manslaughter charges levied against you, it keeps your car in light traffic in case you see those berries flashing in the rearview mirror and need to hit the gas. Keep in mind, though, that police patrol cars usually have V-8 engines, and unless youíre driving something really fast you donít stand a chance at outrunning them. But if you can get a safe distance in front of them at first, you can turn off your headlights and drive into a field. Theyíll never catch you!

If youíre having trouble navigating due to pesky double vision, try this simple technique: steer directly between the twin images that your malfunctioning brain is providing you. This way, even if youíre not dead on target, youíll probably be close enough to get home without any pedestrians stuck in your grille.

If you do get pulled over, never admit to the police that you "had a couple." They arenít going to let you go because you underestimated the amount of alcohol you drank, dumb ass. They just want an admission of guilt to make the prosecution easier. The cop is not your friend. And if it comes down to a Breathalyzer test and you know youíll fail it Ė refuse to take it. Youíll lose your license for a few years, but that would happen anyway if you got arrested. Plus youíd go to jail.

But that doesnít mean you should be rude to the cop. Be friendly, address him as "officer" and look him directly in the eyes. Answer your questions with confidence (verbal judo) and keep your story straight. If none of this works, stab or shoot the officer and kick-start your life on the lamb.

If the shit really hits the fan and your drunk driving excursion leads to a motor vehicle accident, flee the scene immediately. When the police finally catch you, even if you are still drunk, they canít prosecute you for DWI. Your defense would be that you were having a panic attack after the accident and needed a drink to calm your nerves after the crash. So, you went to a bar and had a few drinks before you returned to the accident Ė which you would have done if the police didnít rudely apprehend and detain you.

Of course, the safest way to avoid drinking and driving-related tragedy is to not do it. You could elect a designated driver from your group of friends or call a cab. But then youíd be a pussy.

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© 2004 The Beast