FUTURE WORLD NEWS
The Beast’s News of the Future comes to us courtesy of avid future reader Manfred Haberstall, who writes, “I really appreciated your ‘How to Build an Affordable Time Machine” feature from your August 2017 issue. I can’t believe it really
worked! I’ve been having a blast with it, and let me tell you, betting on horses is no longer a vice! To show my appreciation, I’ve enclosed a page from your most recent issue in my native time-frame. Be warned however; it’s pretty grim. Thanks again!” Thank you,
RUMSFELD: SKY WAS ALWAYS BROWN
While insane environmental activists protested outside the domed city of Washington, DC, many in protective haz-mat suits, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s head ridiculed the tree-hugging whackos and heroically disputed their outlandish claims, especially
that decades of widespread pollution have actually changed the color of the sky and made our air and water toxic.
From the the new Martian White House Compound, Rumsfeld attacked the hippies: "These people are just nuts—the sky has always been brown. These guys will do anything to promote their activist, communist, gay, anti-God agenda, including rewriting history. I
mean, imagine, a blue sky!" While many older Americans claim to remember the sky being blue, a thorough search of the Internet and Library of Congress archives has produced no documented evidence of the alleged "blue sky" phenomenon, rather yielding many photos
from as far back as 1962 that clearly display the beautiful brown sky we know and love.
While countless photos from regular citizens’ personal collections do indeed display a blue sky, this is likely the result of a little-known chemical degradation process that government scientists have dubbed "Temporal Photo-color Erosion." The newly
discovered condition is thought to result from the naturally occurring presence of airborne mercury and dioxin in the atmosphere.
Many references to blue skies can be found in historical literature, music, and art, but White House officials attribute this to the use of "colorful" metaphor. "The ‘blue sky’ references are obviously a metaphor, you know, meaning good
fortune, good moods and whatnot," said the eloquent and handsome Rumsfeld. "These people will say anything."
Rumsfeld also castigated the longhaired, smelly activists for their claims that the earth’s surface was once naturally inhabitable by humans and other mammals. "That’s absurd," said the fearless and virile Defense Secretary. There’s way too many
toxins—naturally occurring toxins—for mammals to survive long-term out there. Except the Arab slaves, of course; they’re genetically different." While many older photographs have surfaced depicting humans outdoors, some engaged in such hazardous activities as swimming
in the ocean, Rumsfeld was "perplexed that anyone would be surprised" by this, adding that "people do all sorts of things that are bad for them, especially when they don’t know it’s bad for them. Just look at smoking." He went on to say that the photos
were of "isolated incidents" and that protesters had "overblown" the case.
Rumsfeld once again defended against the ludicrous charges that he and many other high-ranking White House officials have a vested interest in continuing to pollute the world. While he and many senior officials, including Emperor Bush, Dick Cheney’s head and
several EPA administrators have extensive holdings in the Atmospheric Enclosure and Air and Water Purification industries, Rumsfeld insisted that this does not represent a significant conflict of interest. "That’s just business," said Rumsfeld, "and it’s
outrageous to suggest that we would let our profiteering interfere with our obligations to the American people. No, seriously."
Kooky activists could not be reached for comment after the press conference, as most were already suffering from advanced organ failure due to environmental exposure.
FDA, EPA RELAX PROZAC WATER REGS
In a largely uncontroversial move today, The EPA and FDA released a joint statement further relaxing legal limits on Prozac and similar antidepressants in drinking water. Specifically, the new regulations raise the maximum allowable level of Prozac to 20
milligrams per gallon, more than double the previous cap. "This change will enable water purification companies to more easily comply with regulations, as well as promote general good mental hygiene for all people," said EPA chief Kenneth Lay. "In these times of
terror and war, it’s imperative for our government to enable our corporate citizens to help us all live free of fear, or other strong emotions."
The new regulations, which went into effect last week, have already had a positive reception in the polls, most of which show at least a twenty percent decrease in anxiety, depression, and independent thought among adults from six months ago. Critics assert that
the testing is flawed, however, due to a similar relaxation of regulations regarding airborne Valium, which occurred last month. "It’s really too soon to know whether the effect is due to one or the other, or both," said a representative of Crowd Control Inc., a
consulting firm which regularly works for the Federal Government. "But hey, who the hell cares? I’m feeling pretty damn good about it."
CLEAR CHANNEL/FCC OKS 10 NEW ALBUMS
Michael Powell, chairman and CEO of the recently merged Federal Clear Channel Agency and Media Monopoly, was visibly pleased in announcing a bumper crop of ten new albums which have been approved for airplay this year. "Including such diverse selections as
the Patriot Hotties’ Everything is Great, Creed’s Christ Hates Fags, and the RNC Teen Squad’s Suppression Rocks, I think that this year’s playlist will have something positive and instructive for everyone, provided you’re not some mentally diseased
Powell also provided this year’s list of banned records from previous years. Among the hundreds of newly proscribed albums are Pat Boone’s In a Metal Mood, and "all ‘Punk Rock’ and ‘Gangsta Rap’ music not already banned."
Specifically targeted songs include The Beatles’ "Back in the USSR," Led Zeppelin’s "Kashmir," and "Spanish Bombs" by The Clash. Reinstated songs include The Cure’s "Killing an Arab" and Fear’s "Let’s Have a War."
Powell declined to say which specific tracks have been selected to be this year’s number one hits, commenting only that "The decision has already been made," hinting that the lucky winners would be announced soon.
In a related story, Michael Powell is a fucking dick.
ORIGINAL BEAST STAFFERS FOUND, SUMMARILY EXECUTED
Already tried, convicted, and sentenced to death in absentia by secret military tribunal, the group of misanthropic, God-hating, terrorist-supporting writers who originally staffed this paper were finally discovered and shot to death in a homeless shelter in
Nashua, NH last weekend.
Having slipped under Attorney General John Ashcroft’s radar for many years by virtue of its miniscule readership and cohabitation with long-dead NYCLU lawyers, The Beast successfully spread its nihilistic propaganda in the Western New York area until a cover
story begging Emperor Bush to "asphyxiate himself with a dildo" came to light. It wasn’t long before Homeland Security troops stormed the Beast offices, only to find a partially eaten pizza disgustingly used as an ashtray along with a photocopy of Beast Editor Al
Uthman’s flabby ass with the words "eat this, Fed-pigs" written on it.
Thus ensued a long and frustrating man-hunt for the elusive first amendment abusers, initially in the Buffalo area, but eventually winding its way around the northeast as tips streamed in to the Homeland heroes’ snitch line. Unfortunately, many of the tips now
appear to have come from the suspiciously literate fugitives themselves, including one that nearly caused several troopers to drown in a pool of human excrement while "visibly drunk" Beast staffers laughed and threw beer bottles at them. Another phony tip lured agents
into a subterranean gay bondage club, where several of them were forcibly sodomized for hours, an experience that put some on permanent leave for mental disability, while another still works at the club.
Since then, of course, The Beast has been re-staffed by new editor Jamie Moses and set on the right journalistic track as outlined under the new rules governing print media under the 17th Patriot Act. "I’m proud to be able to finally get this
thing under my control," says Moses, "it’s just too bad it took martial law, fascism, and the incarceration of Amy Goodman of ‘Democracy Now!’ to get there."
When the fugitives were finally discovered, they said little. Publisher and former candidate for the outlawed Green Party Paul Fallon was reported by witnesses to say, "Oh shit" just before several hollow-point bullets passed through his skull and took
his brain with them. At this point, according to official reports, the remaining cadre of subversives "started screaming like little girls and desperately hiding behind each other, at which point the enemy combatants were eliminated according to our orders." Only one of
the dangerous clan was spared, Chris Riordan, who immediately offered to aid the government in apprehending similar miscreants. "I never liked those losers anyway, man, they just had good weed," said Riordan of his former comrades. "I totally know where Michael