The BEAST News in Briefs

Bank Robbers Arrested - Two Cleveland men were arrested outside an HSBC branch on Walden Avenue March 15^th, shortly after gaining access to the vault and removing almost $100,000. It was the old road-flares-taped-together-are-a-remote-control-bomb ploy, which usually works so well, but in this case the Ohio idiots couldn’t even make it out of the parking lot. Perhaps the robbers were too giddy at the sight of all that cash to take a few seconds and incapacitate employees and customers. This egregious tactical error allowed bank employees to call 911 before the inside man was even out the door, and their lightning fast arrests are sure to earn them years of jailhouse ridicule. Note to all would be robbers: pay close attention to your getaway plan. If you can’t get fifty feet from the target without an army of cops descending upon you, then choose another criminal enterprise, like politics.

More Albany Shenanigans - State Assemblyman Felix Ortiz is up to his old meddlesome tricks, trying to legislate private behavior (this is the same shrew who brought us the cell phone ban). Now Ortiz wants every single motor vehicle in the state equipped with alcoholic breath analyzers, at a cost of $1000 apiece, to prevent drunk driving. Normally we wouldn’t waste our time reporting on such a ridiculous legislative proposal, but these are the same people who passed the smoking ban, the seat belt law, and the lights-on-while-using-wipers law, all great revenue enhancers for the state and true public services. Future proposals by Ortiz include mandatory diaper volume testing and taxes on reading, snow, telephone rings, and homegrown vegetables. We can only assume Ortiz blew every voter in Brooklyn to get elected, because this guy does nothing to help run New York, except running our lives. Should the breathalyzer requirement pass, we can expect a new class of “designated blowers” who will rent their sober lungpower to help inebriated patrons start their cars at closing time.

Hotel Fire - On the night of Tuesday, March 16 the infamous Buffalo Visitors Lodge on Main Street burned up in a suspicious fire. Long known as a haven for drugs, prostitution and various other criminal activities, the Lodge served as a fine ambassador for tourists to the city for many years. The Buffalo Niagara Partnership lamented the loss of affordable downtown hotel space and plans to throw as much money as possible into this black hole in order to uphold the high community standards they’ve set for us. No word if the Partnership plans on subsidizing any of the 900 other run down, crack infested, rat breeding halfway houses spread throughout the city which are the source of so many headaches, but slumlords with eighteen-unit buildings are hopeful to get in on the action.

NCAA Tournament - March Madness blew into the Queen City last weekend, pumping an estimated $4 million into the area. The fact that the tournament sends teams far from home is a well established tradition along the lines of hostage taking and requires faithful followers to travel and spend tons of money in places they’d rather not be. Gouging attendees is encouraged, but local planners failed to capitalize on all the out of town pigeons. The big complaint was a lack of food, due to the fact that restaurants and delis pretty much abandoned downtown Buffalo over a decade ago. 20,000 people all can’t eat at the Pearl Street Grill during the ninety-minute break between games, and tourists standing out in the cold were hard pressed to find any reasonable alternative in such a short time. Oblivious organizers once again failed to take this into account, because they have a captive audience and don’t give a rat’s ass whether you’re hungry or not as long as you bought a ticket. Next time pack a lunch, suckers!

Sniper Suspect Caught - Here’s a novel idea; get a gun, go outside and shoot up cars on the freeway. Sound like fun? Columbus, Ohio mental patient Charles McCoy thought so and had a blast terrorizing the I-270 loop around the city for almost a year with his wacky antics. One woman, a passenger, was killed in the two dozen or so attacks, proving McCoy was as lousy a shot as he is a person. It took the family way too long to drop the dime on this guy; obviously they knew he was deranged, but denial ain’t just a river etc. McCoy was captured in Las Vegas by a no luck gambler who hit the reward jackpot by befriending the hungry psycho. Another note on criminal activity: when your face is plastered all over the country with the word WANTED underneath, it’s time to go underground, not on vacation. Now back in a Columbus jail, McCoy will likely play up the insanity angle as part of his legal defense by claiming he thought he was hunting buffalo. All victims of his reign of terror are encouraged to use the family home for target practice.

HSBC Says Goodbye! - HSBC, whatever the hell that stands for, did the smartest thing a global bank in America could do on March 23 and announced moving their corporate entity to the state of Delaware. The move prompted an angry outburst from surprised County Executive Joel Giambra, who can’t stand a business in Buffalo doing anything without first consulting him. Delaware is the bank capital of the country due to its lenient financial laws, including NO SALES TAX! Imagine that, a place where the price on the sticker is all you pay. Maybe that’s what got Giambra’s panties all in a bunch. It’s really not a big deal, especially since Giambra cares nothing for HSBC, his heart is with Bob Wilmers and M&T. From a business standpoint, it’s a move that should have been made long ago; M&T’s headquarters are also in Delaware, along with every other major bank you’ve ever heard of. Giambra is Wilmers’ boy and screaming about HSBC switching words on a piece of paper is rather ignorant, but good ole Joel takes care of his friends in high places.

Priest Molests Boy - Two weeks and no new cases! We may actually have to take this stock headline down; we’re getting as lazy as the News. Please don’t disappoint us, we’re a small, free paper and we’re really counting on you priests to supply us with a little content here. Maybe the cleansing of the church is over and God’s completely cleared his house of pedophiles, but we’re not holding our breath. Somewhere out there a priest has been teaching an altar boy how to blow Gabriel’s Horn and it’s got to stop. Come forward now and turn yourself in, so we can tell everybody what a sick bastard you are.

Pay Raises Shot Down - Aww, poor Joel Giambra, he’s not going to get that forty thousand dollar raise he needs so badly. The Erie County Legislature’s Finance and Management Committee unanimously voted down the 35 to 40 percent pay raises for senior county officials on March 23rd. The Legislature certainly did the right thing; if they had passed it there would have been rioting in the streets and bricks going through certain windows on Middlesex Avenue. Of course the issue isn’t over. Months from now, when all the screaming has subsided, the Legislature will approve 10 to 20 percent raises and Giambra will be a happy little girl. Just for the record, Joel, we don’t want you getting a single dollar more, and if it were possible we’d chase assholes like you into the private sector, where your pay depends on your job performance (unless you’re a well-connected former politician—damn!).

Kids Used As Pawns - Facing a $45 million deficit on a budget of $500 million, the Buffalo School Board took decisive action by barring 5-year-olds from performing at a concert because they attend a charter school. It’s no secret the powerful teachers’ union detests these charter schools popping up all over the place because they take money from their budget and make them look bad by vastly improving the quality of public education. Your average Buffalo public school is a hell on earth where the kids are out of control, the parents don’t care, and teachers routinely get their asses kicked by six-foot seventh graders. Teaching in these places more closely resembles being a prison guard: keep everyone where you can see them and at the first sign of trouble call for reinforcements. Charter schools are different because they don’t enroll troublemakers, just the kids whose parents want them to learn in a safe environment. They also don’t accept kids with developmental disabilities who require special education teachers. Is this fair? No, but some kids need to learn and some kids need to go directly to jail. You would think anything that improves public education in Buffalo would be treated as a miracle instead of a threat, but that’s how things go around here. Playing politics with five-year-olds is despicable, and everyone involved in this debacle ought to be ashamed of themselves: parents, teachers, school boards, and media outlets.

Fat Fuck Wants Cash - Village of Kenmore Officer Michael Caruso is suing the police department because he is a fat fuck trying to cash in on a typical frivolous lawsuit. Attorney Paul Weiss of the Cellino and Barnes school of Sue Everybody and his pork-chop client want 3 million dollars because the Village didn’t accommodate Caruso’s “disability” when it placed him on leave for weighing almost 400 pounds. After losing a 100 pounds over a year Caruso was reinstated, but apparently getting his job back wasn’t good enough for Shamu. A 400-pound cop is a liability; hell, a 300-pound cop is a liability, and should not be on the force. Imagine being partnered with some Jumbo who releases three cubic feet of noxious gas and rocks the cruiser every time he farts, sound like fun? Or how about when you’re chasing a rape suspect and Tubby can’t get out of the car to assist you because he got himself wedged in the door? Animals this big are focused on only two things: constant feeding and hourly defecation. When chunk-style cops are entitled to sue for millions because they can’t do their job, something is really wrong with America. In a related story, The BEAST has announced plans to sue everyone in the world for making us such mean, bitter people.