Name: "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere ... nope, no weapons over there ... maybe under here?"

Turn-ons: Callous political blunders, the laughter of elite journalists, Condoleezza Rice

Turn-offs: The parents of dead soldiers, remorse, dignity, gay marriage

How I Became The BEAST Page 3 Horribly Inappropriate Joke: Well let’s face it; I’m funny. The little Harvard wankers that Rove has writing for Bush shot Merlot from their noses when they came up with this one. They never thought he’d go for it, but George himself lost his composure, too. He thought it was “a real knee-slapper.” Of course, now those guys are looking for work.

Future Plans: I’ll be cropping up from time to time as the campaign gradually slides from negative to downright vicious. The camp that I came from seems to want nothing to do with me anymore, so I guess I’ll be working for Kerry this year.

How I Would Like to be Remembered: As the point of no return for Bush’s credibility as a leader who takes his job seriously. Also as yet another obvious sign that these guys have the biggest balls ever.