[sic] - your letters


LAME NAME GAME

Mr. Taibbi, If you can correspond with me I would greatly appreciate it. We share the same last name, but mine is now spelled with one b. My family came over from Sicily in the early 1900’s. I would like to know if your family originates from this area also. I have been doing research regarding the originsof our name. I have come up with some interesting speculations. As you know our name is not that common and it is pronounced many ways. Thank you for your time. I hope we can correspond.

Wow, names are alike. OOOOOOOH. Weird.


ANGRY BLACK BEAST

angry black man sucks - he has no idea what he is talking about. and is name should be “i wanna be a white man.” and i am sometimes a drunk girl and if he touched me i would cut him! fuck the angry black man tell him he sucks black dick hard!

—Bark Hard

Dear Bark,

We’re not gonna tell him. You tell him.


BLOW & ARROW

The Archer

“piercing the pompous”

Today’s Target - Rush Limbaugh - The Archer could hardly miss this blimp-sized ego. For over a decade, this hypocritical pillhead has been blustering at hurricane force about his “talent on loan from God”. Just what talent would that be? His ability to consume large quantities of contolled substances, or the fact that his “courage” to go public and enter re-hab appeared only after he was caught with both hands in the apothecary jar? Every day, “El Rush-bo” trumpets his “excellence-in-broadcasting”, elevating his hidebound tripe to a level he compares with a college-level course for “advanced conservative studies”. He ridicules REAL college professors as too “liberal” to be entusted with the minds of our young, yet considers his chemically-addled “genius” to be worthy of a “doctorate” for the salvation of America. For years he has shovelled up his version of “right-thinking”; load after load of self-serving horse poop, catering to the intolerent, the inflexible, and the arrogant. Suprememly thankful that his army of witless syncophants, the brain-dead “ditto-heads”, are utterly incapable of firing a neuron of their own, the “Maharaja Rushie” has been preaching his aristocratic dogma, while he blithely ignored the inconvenient fact that, coursing through his bloodstream, was an immense quantity of mood-altering pharmaceuticals.

Piercing the dinosaur hide of Rush Limbaugh without a rocket-propelled arrow is impossible. The Arbitron ratings conferred by his lap-dog “ditto-heads” are impressive, and his loving listeners are only too happy to genuflect, drool adoringly, and then re-spew his poisonous, elitist venom on all his “enemies”. In fact, his gleeful willingness to call his political opponents “enemies” is a perfect example of just how far he has lowered the bar and debased the political dialogue.

On the good ship Limbaugh, all registered voters would be Rush-like Republicans, nodding robotically in a chemical stupor, and checking the credentials of everyone allowed into a voting booth by themselves. Moderates, independents, or anyone with a molecule of tolerance or common sense would not be let aboard. At a time when self-promoting blather is considered normal, Emperor Limbaugh captures the gold, slashing at middle America with his toxic talons. He mocks, scorns, taunts, belittles, and ridicules Americans who would dare suggest that his pompous self-image was nothing more than another mighty wind. Sometimes, “El Rush-bo”, compromise is a good thing, even if it means you don’t get your own way. Intolerance, thy name is “Limbaugh”.

Dear Archer,

Nice try, but you really suck. While your redundant rhetorical rants may make you feel smart at the local bus stop, reading them is “suprememly” tedious. Go pierce yourself.


SMART SLATTERN

Dear Sic,

I don’t know if Jailbait Jenny, Toobla and Chessy are real people or products of a bored imagination. Either way, they suck. And they weren’t in the last issue... Even though these girls are all annoying little sluts, it’s fun seeing them in your paper. But if you want a girl who can actually grasp the English language write for your paper, let me know. And smart girls can be just as slutty and fun as dumb trailer trash!

—Veronica Brown

Dear Veronica,

In fact, smart girls can be way more slutty, in more creative ways. Please put your mouth where our money is—we’d love to be your journalistic pimps.


EJACULATORY READER

Dear Beast,

When your paper was first started I hated it and everyone else loved it (or so it seemed). Now it seems that situation has completely reversed. I get-off every time I see a new issue... The satire and the serious articles are good, possibly too good ex: the article by Bob Fitrakis of The Free Press. This is quite possibly the scariest scam I have ever heard of. The potential corruption of the democratic process, to the point of no return -as if it ever really existed- is a mass-nightmare waiting to happen. This is the sort of thing that seems to escape Warren Buffet’s Paper, along with the rest of the main-stream media where the ‘sin of omission’ runs rampant. The authority of the establishment seems to be clamping down everywhere. Censorship & power-brooking are the order of a day in which vast numbers of citizens in this country have been disenfranchised from the “democratic” process. We are being led by our complacent noses in to an age that resembles that of a country preparing for authoritative rule. Neo-Right-Wing political, economic & social volition tend to have sway at such times in modern history. The coming election looks like even more of a farce than the last in which the president was “appointed” by the Supreme Court. Politicians are the scum of the Earth, but it is the populous that makes their plunders possible by there near sightedness.

—Product53

Dear Product,

We know.


S.O.L. IN THE SOUTH

Greetings and salutations from the “Great state of Tennessee” I made it out of the rust belt and landed headfirst into the biblebelt. Aw shucks. Anyways is there any way to link up to the Bar-Dak section of your issues. Its one of the few things I miss from there besides a smoke filled Essex Street Pub on Fridays.

Steve

Dear Steve,

No.


FINE WHINING

Dear Beast

In Regards to Beast BAR-DAK on the Delaware Cafe 3/31/2004

You didn’t mention that it smells like the basement has a major problem with their pipes (sewage)! I try the place once a year and that smell coming up through the floor sends me scurrying PDQ.

YOU WERE DEAD ON about being left alone at the

bar......what IS up with that!?!

I am a Beast Guerrilla, leaving copies of Beast wherever we drink & dine. Someone left the first copy I ever saw at Hutch’s and I am continuing the chain.

Continue to continue - You’re Great!

Dr. U

Dear Dr,

You are obviously a class act, and we wholeheartedly agree with your assertion that we are indeed great.


TRAGICALLY UNHIP

Oh OK, so I finally gave in and wrote you freaks! You did it. I must admit. You finally inspired me to send a letter to the neo-cool alt-writers from my hometown. And not a second later considering I’m the only one who actually reads the paper! Seriously, your work is good. The writing readable. But...it’s you guys. And you know what I’m talking about. You guys! The hipsters. The too-cool-for-anyone-and-everything. You dis on this, and piss on everyone’s elses (positive) premise. You attack your competition and skewer the “sacred cows” of the town your reporting on(?!) Is that financially logical? Shit, your shit’s been around so long (nobody is aware of this of course but you and me) you guys are now the sacred invisible cow. But sans the invisible advertising I guess. You must get tired of telling all your writers and employees, er, freelancers (no one’s actually full time here of course) who live in mommy’s basement, that their ten dollar check was “mailed yesterday!”

Here’s a quick review:

Why read: Hipsters opine on everyday issues in an underground fashion that kind of borders on fresh, but then they allow their personalities to affect writing. Which makes me ask, who the fuck cares what Matt Taibbi thinks? Isn’t he a male stripper for homos?

Why stick under kitty litter: Pathetic attempt at covering news in an up-your-pooper fashion while presented in a tab that was produced with Word Perfect 6.0. They’re also too cool for any bar in town, but considering they don’t get paid, how can we be truly sure they actually there to begin with and simply just peeping through a window! And who the fuck cares about what Matt Taibbi thinks? As far as his fuckability rating goes, shit, I think he’s fucked himself way too many times.

But really, this same ‘ole “too-hip-for-my-readers” is getting old.And what do I see? A cover from another kook who doesn’t even live in my good home town. Bob Fitrakis? Quite possibly Ohio ‘s most embarrassing, plagurizing, fat, nutso journalist! Yes, it is! “Be afraid, be very afraid,” as so many of his leads have started. And the Beast actually bought one of his articles! HA! HA! HA! The jokes on you, you bunch of silly fags. Oh by the way, Bob’s new book, “Kooks, Spooks and Fat journalists that everybody laughs at like Matt Taibbi” is selling like hot cakes. And Matt, do us all a big favor, go back to washing dishes or something. At least someone will benefit from your work! HA! HA!

Now off to a real paper, Thank God for Jamie! I dare your to print this you panzies. At somebody might read your paper during those two long weeks!

Billy Bova – Columbus

Dear Billy,

Actually we do live in mommy’s basement; your mommy’s basement. Now go get us a beer, you little bitch. It’s not our fault you hate yourself.



Letters to the Evil Editors should be addressed to:
sic@buffalobeast.com

© 2004 The Beast