The BEAST Page 3 Inadequate Heating System

Name: Holmes HPH 3070A

Turn-Ons: The space under your desk, Nicole Kidman, 120 Volt AC Current

Turn-Offs: Large, frigid rooms, faulty wiring, disputes over who gets to use the computer

How I became The BEAST Page 3 Inadequate Heating System: I don’t know if these guys don’t pay their rent, their landlord is a scumbag, or the feds across the street are trying to freeze them out, but there hasn’t been any heat in the office all winter. While The BEAST’s procrastinating staffers are forced to endure the barely M-class climate conditions through the night, I struggle in vain to alleviate their suffering. To make matters worse, they can even turn me to my ‘high’ setting, as the ensuing blown fuse will shut down a significant fraction of the World Wide Web.

Future Plans: I’m looking forward to a well-deserved summer vacation after a long season of Sisyphean abuse. Hopefully I’ll be able to recover some of my self-esteem—it’s really pretty frustrating to be put in a situation that I just wasn’t designed for. The feeble shivering of these whiny wannabe journalists as their numb extremities slowly succumb to frostbite only exacerbates my feelings of failure and shame.

How I would like to be remembered: As the inspiration for a new children’s fable about recognizing one’s limitations, "The Little Space Heater that Couldn’t." Really I would like more to be forgotten, for at least as long it takes me to collect enough dust to make a funny smell the next time someone turns me on.