Aries (March 21-April 19)

You are so hot, Aries, I mean really smokiní. If I werenít a decent astrologer, I would throw you over my shoulder and run off with you. As far as I can tell, that evil little dress youíve got on would be ample evidence to exonerate me in court.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Iím sorry to break it to you, Taurus, but that tattoo you got isnít quite what you think it is. First of all, those are Japanese characters, not Chinese. And it actually says "large eel roll," not "universal energy" as you requested. Iím not sure why you believed that an obese biker would be a fluent student of Mandarin, but Iíll bet the Afghani opium your hippie cousin brought home from Prague in his ass was a factor. Itís really not as bad as all that, Taurus; in fact, it really seems somehow more descriptive of the real you than what you wanted anyway.

Gemini (May 21 ĖJune 20)

Forcing your dog to wear clothes is not "pampering" him, Gemini; it is cruel and makes you look nuts. Try to imagine little Gustavís mortification as you drag him through the park past all the other dogs. Thatís not barking; theyíre all laughing at him. Buying even more expensive food is not going to cure his humiliation-derived depression, Gemini. Heís a dog, not a toy. Donít be surprised if he leaps for your jugular the next time you reach for his pink sweater.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, your high-speed internet connection is cool and all, but you havenít been outside in nine days, and your mother misses you. If you keep this up, your eyes will fall out of your head within weeks. You managed to make real friends before, Cancer, and even get a date now and then. Now all your "friends" are faceless, voiceless instant message buddies who are probably as pale and pudgy as you are becoming. Playing online games that are "like virtual reality worlds" is ok, I guess, but you are ignoring the most realistic environment of them all: actual life, and particularly the "realistic" smells emanating from the crevices of your atrophying body. Where do you want to go today? How about the shower?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, Iím sick of your shit. I already paid you that money; donít even try that stuff. Just because to were too zonked out on Oxycons to remember doesnít mean it didnít happen. I know you didnít have it when you woke up; thatís because you blew it on shots for a bunch of sluts at the bar who werenít even talking to you. The rest of it you spent on pornography at the "book store" you insisted we stop at while I drive your messed up carcass home, pervert. If you still arenít satisfied that I paid you, maybe my foot should have a meeting with your ass. Suck it up, Leo; youíre embarrassing yourself.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, isnít it about time you saw an orthodontist? Iím usually a pretty funny guy, Virgo, but I take a more somber tone when youíre around, because your smile makes children faint. Not only do your dental stumps have the neon yellow tint of concentrated Mountain Dew syrup, but their jagged arrangement is enough to shake the Virgin Maryís faith in god. Look to Jupiter, Virgo, and get your name on the waiting list at the dental school.

Libra (Sept 23 ĖOct 22)

Youíre a swell person, Libra, you really are. Youíre nice to children, you compost, and you even give money to charity. Youíre against war, you rescue injured animals, youíre generous in bed, and you donít watch television. Your taste in music is impeccable, and you make an amazing pasta primavera. These are just a few of the things that I could cite in praise of you, Libra, not to mention your efforts to eradicate illiteracy. But youíre going to hell, Libra, because you honk your horn repeatedly when you stop by to pick up my neighbor at six in the morning. Iíve set my alarm, Libra; try ringing the bell next time, or I may wind up detailing your car for free with my sand wedge.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, nobody cares how much you work out. I can understand your compulsion to overcompensate for your steroid-shriveled penis, but walking around shirtless, baring your fully shaved and somehow womanly torso to world just makes you look kinda gay. In fact, have you fully investigated that avenue of sexuality? It may explain why you like to spend your free time hanging around with a bunch of sweaty, muscular men, and your fixation with getting girls to take it in the rear. While weíre on the topic, Scorpio, you might want to wait until the third date next time to ask a girl to give you a rimjob. Look to Uranus, Scorpio, and then consider looking to that of your spotting partner, you closet.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 Ė Dec 21)

Well that was stupid, wasnít it, Sagittarius? Faking your own abduction seemed like a hoot in your needy, self-centered imaginings, but it didnít turn out like you planned. Probably the most disgusting think about the whole affair is that youíre feeling even sorrier for yourself now that your clumsy ruse has been revealed. You may be humiliated, Sagittarius, but youíre not the one whoís out $96,000 for a manhunt in search of a man who only existed in your pathetic, fevered fabrications. Look to Mars, Sagittarius, and bite down hard on the mouthpiece so you donít damage your tongue during the electroshock.

Capricorn (Dec 22 Ė Jan 19)

Stop padding my phone bill with Ďerroneousí charges, Capricorn; Iím onto you. I could understand if it happened every once in a while, but every month I get another inflated statement replete with randomly placed phantom long distance calls and arbitrary surcharges. Itís an obvious ploy to get your careless customers to pay even more than the already outrageous rates you charge, and if you do it to me again, Iím gonna come down there and shove my vibrating phone in James Earl Jonesí pants and then call myself.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Pretending to be a lesbian to turn on frat boys is pretty pathetic, Aquarius, and it speaks volumes about your self-esteem. Itís pretty obvious that you and your binge-drinking friends are pure meat-lovers from the way you avoid facial contact when you do your half-hearted same-sex shimmy to the adolescent hoots and hollers of a bunch of brain-dead funnel-drinking business majors as what little respect they may have had for you quickly melts away. Moments like this will not become fond memories as you grow older and crave to think of yourself as a worthwhile human being. Look to Venus, Aquarius, and stop trying to emulate the pedestrian fantasies of underdeveloped lunkheads.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Itís time to face facts, Pisces; youíre not "researching a book." It wouldnít be so bad if youíd just admit you like it. You havenít even read a book since they let you drop out of high school, and the last thing you wrote was the statement you gave to the DAís office in exchange for a suspended sentence recommendation. Trust me, Pisces, this rationalization will not protect you from a grand jury indictment or the tremendous shame you will feel when your parents find out. They raised you, you sick bastard, and they know that your only prospect for a "career in letters" is taking a job at your uncleís roadside sign rental store in Hoboken. Look to Neptune, Pisces, and throw out you computer.

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© 2004 The Beast