BEAST-O-SCOPES

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You are so hot, Aries, I mean really smokin’. If I weren’t a decent astrologer, I would throw you over my shoulder and run off with you. As far as I can tell, that evil little dress you’ve got on would be ample evidence to exonerate me in court.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I’m sorry to break it to you, Taurus, but that tattoo you got isn’t quite what you think it is. First of all, those are Japanese characters, not Chinese. And it actually says "large eel roll," not "universal energy" as you requested. I’m not sure why you believed that an obese biker would be a fluent student of Mandarin, but I’ll bet the Afghani opium your hippie cousin brought home from Prague in his ass was a factor. It’s really not as bad as all that, Taurus; in fact, it really seems somehow more descriptive of the real you than what you wanted anyway.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Forcing your dog to wear clothes is not "pampering" him, Gemini; it is cruel and makes you look nuts. Try to imagine little Gustav’s mortification as you drag him through the park past all the other dogs. That’s not barking; they’re all laughing at him. Buying even more expensive food is not going to cure his humiliation-derived depression, Gemini. He’s a dog, not a toy. Don’t be surprised if he leaps for your jugular the next time you reach for his pink sweater.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, your high-speed internet connection is cool and all, but you haven’t been outside in nine days, and your mother misses you. If you keep this up, your eyes will fall out of your head within weeks. You managed to make real friends before, Cancer, and even get a date now and then. Now all your "friends" are faceless, voiceless instant message buddies who are probably as pale and pudgy as you are becoming. Playing online games that are "like virtual reality worlds" is ok, I guess, but you are ignoring the most realistic environment of them all: actual life, and particularly the "realistic" smells emanating from the crevices of your atrophying body. Where do you want to go today? How about the shower?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, I’m sick of your shit. I already paid you that money; don’t even try that stuff. Just because to were too zonked out on Oxycons to remember doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I know you didn’t have it when you woke up; that’s because you blew it on shots for a bunch of sluts at the bar who weren’t even talking to you. The rest of it you spent on pornography at the "book store" you insisted we stop at while I drive your messed up carcass home, pervert. If you still aren’t satisfied that I paid you, maybe my foot should have a meeting with your ass. Suck it up, Leo; you’re embarrassing yourself.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, isn’t it about time you saw an orthodontist? I’m usually a pretty funny guy, Virgo, but I take a more somber tone when you’re around, because your smile makes children faint. Not only do your dental stumps have the neon yellow tint of concentrated Mountain Dew syrup, but their jagged arrangement is enough to shake the Virgin Mary’s faith in god. Look to Jupiter, Virgo, and get your name on the waiting list at the dental school.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

You’re a swell person, Libra, you really are. You’re nice to children, you compost, and you even give money to charity. You’re against war, you rescue injured animals, you’re generous in bed, and you don’t watch television. Your taste in music is impeccable, and you make an amazing pasta primavera. These are just a few of the things that I could cite in praise of you, Libra, not to mention your efforts to eradicate illiteracy. But you’re going to hell, Libra, because you honk your horn repeatedly when you stop by to pick up my neighbor at six in the morning. I’ve set my alarm, Libra; try ringing the bell next time, or I may wind up detailing your car for free with my sand wedge.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, nobody cares how much you work out. I can understand your compulsion to overcompensate for your steroid-shriveled penis, but walking around shirtless, baring your fully shaved and somehow womanly torso to world just makes you look kinda gay. In fact, have you fully investigated that avenue of sexuality? It may explain why you like to spend your free time hanging around with a bunch of sweaty, muscular men, and your fixation with getting girls to take it in the rear. While we’re on the topic, Scorpio, you might want to wait until the third date next time to ask a girl to give you a rimjob. Look to Uranus, Scorpio, and then consider looking to that of your spotting partner, you closet.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Well that was stupid, wasn’t it, Sagittarius? Faking your own abduction seemed like a hoot in your needy, self-centered imaginings, but it didn’t turn out like you planned. Probably the most disgusting think about the whole affair is that you’re feeling even sorrier for yourself now that your clumsy ruse has been revealed. You may be humiliated, Sagittarius, but you’re not the one who’s out $96,000 for a manhunt in search of a man who only existed in your pathetic, fevered fabrications. Look to Mars, Sagittarius, and bite down hard on the mouthpiece so you don’t damage your tongue during the electroshock.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Stop padding my phone bill with ‘erroneous’ charges, Capricorn; I’m onto you. I could understand if it happened every once in a while, but every month I get another inflated statement replete with randomly placed phantom long distance calls and arbitrary surcharges. It’s an obvious ploy to get your careless customers to pay even more than the already outrageous rates you charge, and if you do it to me again, I’m gonna come down there and shove my vibrating phone in James Earl Jones’ pants and then call myself.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Pretending to be a lesbian to turn on frat boys is pretty pathetic, Aquarius, and it speaks volumes about your self-esteem. It’s pretty obvious that you and your binge-drinking friends are pure meat-lovers from the way you avoid facial contact when you do your half-hearted same-sex shimmy to the adolescent hoots and hollers of a bunch of brain-dead funnel-drinking business majors as what little respect they may have had for you quickly melts away. Moments like this will not become fond memories as you grow older and crave to think of yourself as a worthwhile human being. Look to Venus, Aquarius, and stop trying to emulate the pedestrian fantasies of underdeveloped lunkheads.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

It’s time to face facts, Pisces; you’re not "researching a book." It wouldn’t be so bad if you’d just admit you like it. You haven’t even read a book since they let you drop out of high school, and the last thing you wrote was the statement you gave to the DA’s office in exchange for a suspended sentence recommendation. Trust me, Pisces, this rationalization will not protect you from a grand jury indictment or the tremendous shame you will feel when your parents find out. They raised you, you sick bastard, and they know that your only prospect for a "career in letters" is taking a job at your uncle’s roadside sign rental store in Hoboken. Look to Neptune, Pisces, and throw out you computer.