[sic] - your letters


INBOX FULL OF CRAP

Buffalo Beast paper may call this a misfortunate fertilizer accident.

It was about a half of a ton though, about 1,000 pounds of 'ammonium nitrate' which is a fertilizer that when mixed with fuel oil such as kerosene or nitro methane, like they use in cars or model airplanes. It can make a huge bomb. Four thousand pounds were used by Timothy McVeigh in the Oklahoma City Federal bombing. McVeigh was a Pendalton, NY Iraq war Part One 1991 war hero himself. The David Korish incident in Waco, Texas drove him over the edge. I'm from the are and also a ten year military veteran. Not like that though. Killing innocent civilians because you don't like the government or what happened to some radical moron in Waco was dead wrong. A shame. You can find out how to make these explosives on any website back then. Many now are gone, or being monitored by the FBI. You just can't go out anymore and get ammonium nitrate either. Some site from China and the former Soviet Union/Russia will try and sell it to you. There will be an FBI agent at your door with the shipment believe me. Buffalo Beast Ruskies may know where this stuff comes from? An innocent act of trying to add some nitrogen to make their garden more fertile? Your say comrad.

ex.US Navy veteran 1982-1992 Buffalo, NY disabled

Dear Naval Nutjob,

Since your last manic missive was over 2,500 words long, weíre glad you started this one up right in the middle. Weíre sorry we were so mean to you in our last reply; we didnít realize that your combat-derived disability was a mental one. In retrospect, we really should have known. Seriously, though, we got rid of all our ammonium nitrate on e-bay a couple of years ago; some guy in the Basque section of Spain was starting up a farm or something. Now the only fertilizer in our office comes to us in the form of your pungent, loamy e-mails. By the way, how come your letter in last weekís Artvoice was so much more coherent than what you send us?


GOLDHABER GONE, PERIOD!

Just wanted to write a quick email to say that your article on Gerry Goldhaber

was HILARIOUS!!! Glad to see not everybody is letting him off the hook!!

Keep up the good work!

Nick

Dear Nick,

Apparently, UB didnít let him off the hook either. Say goodnight, Goldy.


TRY TO GET A DECENT PIZZA IN BOULDER

Hey Al Uthman,

I enjoyed reading your article on Buffalo. It reminds me of why I left.

Paul Nowosielski

Hey Paul,

We enjoyed reading your e-mail. It reminds us of why weíre glad you left.


MAN BEATS BAG

los hermanos no pelean

I try to exercise on a regular basis. I will run, lift weights, and hit a punching bag. The bag, I must say is the best. You feel like Jimmy Wilde arms up moving and hitting. I hit it pretty hard. You can almost hear the sound reverberate across the gym. I move again and hit hit move heart beat pounding slam. Slam. Slam. I then worry. Why am I hitting this leather sack? Mechanical aggression , mean spirited dark hearted. There are some guys playing basketball just twenty feet away. Perhaps a team sport may be more conducive to a more sociable state of mind.

Then as I watch what team work does throughout the world. Was it teamwork under which those Rwanda militia men slaughtered thousands of men women and children? They used guns, machetes, and clubs to destroy murder people of a neighboring tribe. I saw the footage on PBS (a BBC production of course, American TV is busy with "Reality" entertainment). I saw poor people strewn across village courtyards, churches, country roads. Reporters, Amnesty and Medical workers crying over the senseless loss of common folks. All in there everyday clothes never having expected anything.

The Clinton Administration followed a path of non intervention in this matter. After I donít fucking know how long, he showed up in that country visited with a half dozen survivors and shook some hands. The official argument was that the US could not send our Troops to a distant conflict that did not render a substantial benefit to our national interest. Kinda of why we never bombed those Polish Railroads that carried all them unter breed to their "relocation camps". In the end perhaps a million men women and yes children were murdered in that little African country. Thatís something like 1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 and many many more.

Then you can go to Toronto and visit those cool Chinese markets where you may be offered a newspaper by a sweet little old lady that details the fucking endless inhumanity that silk blankets that mammoth of a nation. Thatís going on to 1.3 billion people; almost one out of five humans on earth live in that place. The paper reports incarceration, Torture, rape all at the hands of government officials.

I remember a stack of photos brought to me by one of my nicest students. She had the most graceful manners doubled by the keenest academic prowess . Her father had been sent to "Desert Storm" (Not the video game) the war to make Kuwait safe for democracy. He was a cook I guess. Anyways, he was able to get out to the fields to get some snapshots of charred Iraqi soldiers unsuccessfully prying their way out of I donít know Russian? French? American? Tanks? The photos were so repulsive I almost didnít want to return them. But I didnít fucking want them.

I love my hometown, Buffalo is a dandelion out in the left field, in the summer it smells like Alleghany dirt and weedsÖAnyways I donít know if this makes any sense but Iím going to keep hitting that bag hard. I donít give a shit if its anti social, irrational, a manifestion of some deep-seeded paranoia Iím going to move to the steady rhythm and jab bob and jab and Iíll hit it hard like a drummer with a speed of hummingbirds wings. Itís a modest defense.

Sincerely,

Max Schmelling

Dear Max,

At least you can only kick our asses one at a time.


PUNK SCHLOCK

Dear Beast,

I have been a fan of your paper since I first picked it up. I share many of your views as it pertains to government and Buffalo in general. However one thing caught my eye that I feel needs to be defended. In your last issue, you had a picture of Henry Rollins saying that he was a sell out and that the spoken word tour sucks ass. Now Rollins was doing hardcore with Blackflag before I was even born and I just started to follow him over the last four years or so, but I consider him a hero of sorts. I have read most of his books and gone to see him whenever he is in town. He stands for many of the things you guys preach and spent about an hour bashing Bush's policies at his most recent engagement at the Tralf. He is well read and articulate in his message. As for him being a sellout, he is in his mid-forties and I have a feeling his hardcore days are long behind him. So, he spends his time speaking to college kids, trying to get them motivated for life by giving examples from his life. One thing I found ironic was that in that same issue you ran an ad for Phatman on the FRONT PAGE. The ad of course was announcing their new East Amherst location. (So all the hardcore, rough life East Amherst kids can buy the most expensive and therefore best skateboarding wares).Anyway, I'm not going to start hating your paper or anything, in fact this was one of the first things I disagreed with. You dissed my boy and I thought I'd let you know.

Tom from Cheektavegas

Dear Tom,

Yes, Rollins was cool back in the day. For us, he was the third in punk rockís unholy trinity, along with John Lydon and Jello Biafra. Lifetime was a killer album, even better than some Black Flag records. But now, Rollins sell Gap clothing and talks about how cool Madonna is on VH-1. He has been swallowed whole by the showbiz bullshit machine he once railed against, and we just canít let that slide. We understand that you discovered him only recently, but try to see this from an old fanís perspective: he was on VH-1. He was in a Gap ad. Fuck Rollins.

Regarding our accepting ad revenue, well, thatís what we do, and we hardly think itís comparable. After all, when you go to work and exchange eight hours a day for a paltry sum, is that selling out? No, thatís life. Selling out is when you compromise your principles for money that you donít need. We need that Phatman money (in fact, we need a hell of a lot more than that). Rollins would still be doing all right without his sellout cash, and heíd retain a lot more credibility in our eyes. No, heís not the worst guy in the world, but calling Britney Spears or Beyonce Knowles a sellout would be a little redundant, wouldnít it? Weíre calling out Henry specifically because we thought he was cool, and he disappointed us. Boo hoo.


WASTING OUR OXYGEN IN OHIO

In regards to your comeback,

Actually we do live in mommyís basement; your mommyís basement. Now go get us a beer, you little bitch. Itís not our fault you hate yourself.

That's all you got! I'm embarrassed for you! I thought you would lay into me a little, but not that poorly. Obviously your shit is slipping!

Seriously, why is it so easy to laugh at Matt Taibbi? By any objective standard, Taibbi needs to lay off the glass and grass and stop dreaming he's a journalist of any standard. Even if he doubts his own greatness, it is clear Taibbi stands for making a complete ass of himself, working for nothing, writing for a paper Buffalo could really do without and sleeping with stanky male bums. And as far as the Beast is concerned, it appears that everyone in Buffalo would rather you move back to China or somewhere. It's also easy to laugh at Taibbi, just like dissing on Jayson Blaire and Jim Kelly (the USA Today reporter). I mean, Taibbi has paid his dues -- heck he's worked for the Beast! Taibbi and the Beast are about making complete fools of themselves, pissing off all the wrong people (potential advertisers) and working their butts off for nothing -- and here's the best, I can't count the readers -- me and maybe Matt Taibbi . Heck Taibbi and the Beast are practically the worst weekly paper in the world. But they won't begrudge you for this, because they know this! Oh shit, I forgot the worst bi-weekly! HA! HA! HA!

Hey Matt, does that look familiar? Yeah, it's your article on Jesus. Which I finished (at least somebody did, right?). But I had to ask myself -- What the fuck are you talking about? It took you two weeks to write that! Is your editor reading your work? Quit jerking off and hit the keys a bit more bro -- everybody thinks you fucking suck.

Where's the ArtVoice when you need one! Oh yeah, I just called mom and I told her to let the gimp out of the basement. Keep it up boys (you're obviously not men), I'm coming back week after week.Oops! I mean after the next two weeks.

Bill from Columbus

Dear petty fuck,

First of all, you worthless bag of shit, Taibbi has been published in Playboy, Rolling Stone, The Nation, and many other well-known and respected publications. Itís pretty clear that everyone does not think he sucks. Your incoherent, desperate ramblings have been published where? Here, where everyone agrees that you do suck, a lot. Your thinly veiled homosexual infatuation with Matt worries us; we fear you may eventually hurt him, us, or yourself (actually, that last thing would be ok). Your comment about Mattís "fuckability rating" tips your limp-wristed hand just a bit too much, donít you think?

Secondly, what kind of useless asshole spends his time reading and then ineptly critiquing a paper he purports to despise, especially when he lives in a different state? In your last inarticulate, fragment-laden message, you said "Seriously, your work is good. The writing readable." So which is it, you clearly unemployed loser? It seems like youíre mad at us for being better writers than you could ever hope to be.

Aside from your obvious bitterness at Taibbiís heterosexuality, the main thrust of your criticism seems to be that we piss off potential advertisers. In other words, we should only skewer the poor? Excuse our balls, you establishment-blowing mediocrity-lover. Comparing us to the woefully tepid Artvoice only further indicates your love for the mundane. If you canít tolerate our integrity, thatís not our problem. There are plenty of loyal BEAST-lovers to go around who read our paper almost as diligently as nothing-better-to-do detractors such as yourself.

Yes, we come out every two weeks, just like your dad. So what? Yes, we are poor as fuck; so what? Weíre doing something that we think is worthwhile. What the hell are you doing, Bob, aside from constantly beating off to gay puke-porn, and then sobbing with remorse? If you feel the need to continue manifesting your prodigious inferiority complex via e-mails to us, go ahead. Better yet, why not pop in for a visit? Perhaps your pissy mewlings will sound more interesting coming through the lint roller we plan to jam down your throat, you chest-shaving sniveler. Fuck you.


FREEDOM FROM THE PRESS

I just read your article in issue #46 of the beast. All it sounded to me was like a fucking cry baby a typical clueless liberal who has nothing better to do than to bash the government. Who the fuck cares who goes duck hunting ? I wish I had friends in high places that would offer the same. This is how the other half lives it seems to me that you are jealous. Would you rather have suddam in power? and bin laden killing more americans? If you liberals had your way and Gore was the prez. that is exactly what would be happening. So get your head out of your ass and be thankfull that Bush is protecting all of us including you and your family you cry baby!!!!!!!

Don from Tonawanda

Dear Don,

With no due respect, we really donít think you actually read the article. If you had read and understood it, you would clearly be outraged to find that the people at the top are colluding in order to separate you from the freedom you pretend to love. Why do assholes like you continue to defend the people who are obviously taking your money and power and giving it to their rich friends and themselves? Do you really think that our only choice is to refrain from criticizing our government or to support Bin Laden? You would have made an excellent Nazi, Don from Tonawanda, and if enough Americans think like you, you may yet get your chance. Perhaps, if youíre lucky, youíll get a chance to throw rocks at Uthmanís lifeless body as it swings from the flagpole in front of city hall. "Friends in high places," indeed.


WELL, DUH

this is concerning your ashton kutcher interview in issue #41

duh, ur story was SO fake...ashton is not like that. he is not that airhead that u portrayed him to be. he did not say any of the stuff u said he did and it is a shame u would post such a FAKE story and try to portray it as real.

well, i am a huge ashton kutcher fan and i know ashton enough to know that he did not do that interview. so, i would appreciate it if you wouldnt lie and say he did say that stuff.

got it?

Strwbrrz23Prbr

Mr. Kutcher responds:

While my interview was indeed out of character as to my genuine persona, I took it upon myself to be a little facetious, a tad tongue in cheek. One might argue that the media maelstrom that my existence has become was beginning to taint my lexicon with the cynical bite of resentful sarcasm. I would not, nor could I, take issue with such an interpretation, for it would be entirely apposite. The masses, and The BEAST, expected a slack jawed stoner, not a cultured sophisticate such as myself, and who was I to disappoint? Still, I hope that my ironic levity did not do to much disservice to my beloved community of warm supporters. The point is that the blame rests squarely upon my dreamy shoulders, not the rounded, slumped protrusions of The BEASTís godless staff.



Letters to the Evil Editors should be addressed to:
sic@buffalobeast.com

© 2004 The Beast