Like A Train Wreck That Never Ends

NBC: Thursday 9:00pm - The Apprentice: "The Donald" finally fires his incompetent hairpiece.

CBS: Wednesday 10:00pm - Judging Amy: Girls cry a lot. Nice guys abound.

Thursday 9:00pm - CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Several of the Las Vegas forensic cops ponder a return to modeling after budget cuts.

Friday 7:00pm - Everybody Loves Raymond: Except his costars, who make small fractions of his salary.

Friday 9:00pm - JAG: Navy litigators grapple with issues of race and gender that were socially relevant in the ‘50s.

Weeknights 11:30pm - The Late Show with David Letterman: The new leader in news credibility.

ABC: Tuesday 10:00pm - NYPD Blue: Sipowitz’s impossibly hot girlfriend freaks out when she suddenly realizes she’s sleeping with her abusive dad.

Wednesday 10:00pm - Extreme Makeovers: Entertainment Surgeons skillfully remove Linda Tripp’s head.

FOX: Monday 9:00PM - The Swan: Yet another promotion for the plastic surgery industry masquerading as entertainment. Its very title is a twisting of the Ugly Duckling story; apparently, the original authors failed to mention that the ugly duckling had to have severe reconstructive facial surgery, a boob job, liposuction and new eyes to become a beautiful swan.

PBS: Monday 8:00pm – Antiques Roadshow: Usually cordial appraiser beats old lady down with her totally worthless National Geographic collection.

UPN: Sunday 8:00pm - Buffy the Vampire Layer: Yeah, you wish!

C-Span: Tuesday 1:00 PM - The 9/11 Dog and Phony Show: Former Counterterrorism Chief Richard Clarke’s stare actually bores a hole into Republican panel member Fred Fielding. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice smirks condescendingly at his steaming corpse.

Comedy Central: Thursday 9:00pm - Chapelle’s Show: Once again, Chris Rock’s writers manage to slap enough funny around this guy to prop his mediocre ass up.

Saturday 10:00pm - The Man Show: New host replacements are less adequate then "Coy" and "Vance" Duke. "Fear Factor" guy’s nebbishy co-host looks more uncomfortable in a flannel shirt than Buddhist monks do when they’re on fire.

Weekdays 11:00pm - The Daily Show: Jon Stewart takes bets as to how long it will be before his show is cancelled by Michael Powell. See also "Real Time with Bill Maher"

Weekdays 11:30pm - Tough Room with Colin Quinn: Colin’s continuing struggle with the English language is again documented for linguistic therapists around the globe.

VH1: Monday 10:30pm - Best Day Ever: A gaggle of marginally talented c-list entertainment riff raff reminisces and makes tired jokes about shit that happened four hours ago. Featuring that guy from that movie.

Wednesday 2:00am - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Ceremony: Veteran rockers display impressive restraint as Kid Rock significantly cheapens their big night.

Thursday 4:00pm - Bands Reunited: Toady host attempts to reunite aging sugar-metal behemoth Def Leppard with drummer Rick Allen’s former right arm. Will the arm’s bitterness over it’s abrupt severance cause it to hold out?

TNT: Weekdays 7:00pm - The Fucillo "Huge" Hour: Formerly known as "Law and Order."

Fox News: Weekday Afternoons - The Fox News Plausible Deniability Circus: Absolutely Depleted Uranium-free!

CNBC: Weekdays at 9:00pm - The Dennis Miller Insomnia Therapy Show: The sky is falling! The sky is…zzzzzzzzz

E! Network: 12:00am Howard Stern: Howard is arrested for treason and carted off to the Pentagon basement prison to await trial in 2015. Next week: "The Robin Quivers Inappropriate Laughter Show."

MTV: Wednesday 8:00pm - The Osbournes: The world keeps on laughing as Ozzy’s health visibly deteriorates.

Thursday 10:00pm - The Real World—Fallujah: Ali won’t speak to Conrad after he finds out Conrad shot his daughter as she waved a white flag. Saddam gets in trouble for feeling Jessica up after a long night of hash smoking.

Saturday 6:00pm - MTV Cribs: Roger Daltrey shows off his new hotplate while guiding MTV cameras around his studio apartment.

HBO: Friday 10:00pm - Deadwood: Cowboys said "fuck" a lot more than you thought.

FX: Saturday 10:00pm - The Shield: Holy shit, did he just say "shit?"

The Discovery Channel: Wednesday 9:00pm - We’re Just Guessing at this Point: Desperate producers make up scientific-sounding dramatizations to go with cool computer animations. Narrated by Billy Dee Williams.

A&E: Sunday 8:00pm - Airline: Now we can enjoy the frustrating purgatory atmosphere of air travel without leaving our ass-eroded couches.

Tuesday 9:00pm - Cold Case Files: Ace detective Dale Hinman investigates the long forgotten case of the disappearance of Australian hairdo Yahoo Serious.

Court TV: Tuesday 8:00pm - Reality Court: 14 cases are handled in 22 minutes. Deals are made beforehand, and black participants receive considerably harsher judgements.

Spike TV: Thursday 11:30pm - Stripperella: Pamela Anderson, minus the only things that made her tolerable in the first place.

The Food Network: Tuesday 8:00pm - Emeril Live: Lagsse is bumrushed and arrested for treason by Homeland Security forces for his incessant "BAM!"-ing.

MSNBC: Friday 6:00pm - MSNBC’s funniest bloopers ever: Dan Abrams’ faceplate falls open mid-sentence to reveal the wires and circuits beneath. Joe Scarborough becomes visibly aroused while interviewing Donald Rumsfeld. Hilarious!