Oak Door Accepted to Harvard on Athletic Scholarship

Doorís SATs Double required level

Harvard Universityís hockey team got a shot in the arm today when an oak door was given a full athletic scholarship to play goalie. The move, not without its critics, will almost certainly give the teamís opponents a formidable challenge in the scoring department. "The doorís awesome," said Harvard coach Saul Gilliwaeuve. "Iíve been watching it for years, and I have yet to see anyone get a puck past it. I think this acquisition will give our team what it needs to win this year, and it certainly vindicates the new lower acceptance standards for NCAA division 1 universities."

The new NCAA standards, which lowered acceptable SAT scores to 400 (the absolute worst score possible), enabled the doorís acceptance to the nationís most prestigious school. The door, nicknamed "Oaky" by its new teammates, actually got 800 on its SAT test, the score awarded to anyone who simply doesnít attempt to answer any questions.

Detractors include Yale coach Paco Hornhung, who argues that the doorís testing was unfairly rigged. "They had to sign itís name and everything," Hornhung complains. "Thatís not kosher. Plus, you canít score on a door. This gives Harvard an unfair advantage on the ice, and will pressure other schools into recruiting inanimate objects for their athletic programs."

In fact, many schools are already following suit. Ohio State and Indiana University are currently courting trampolines for their basketball teams, while Texas A&M is looking into signing on a plexiglass shield to play womenís volleyball. In addition, there is a new move toward animal players: Northwestern University has recently signed a Pronghorn antelope for its track and field program, while USC is negotiating with the San Diego Zoo in hopes of recruiting an all-gorilla offensive line for their popular football team. "They shouldnít have too much trouble getting their communications degrees here," said USC coach Dick Overman. "At least we know theyíll meet the requirements for acceptance."

So far, the door has been performing extremely well in practice, but is still waiting for itís custom-made uniform. Now on the bench, former starting goalie Guy Hapeliev has mixed feelings about his new teammate. "Iím a little disappointed, Iíll admit, but you gotta give it up for Oaky," says Hapiliev, "Heís impossible to compete with. I just hope I can learn from him. Heís got a bright future ahead of him. Ah, hell, what am I talking about? Itís a frigginí door!"

Letters to the Evil Editors should be addressed to:

© 2004 The Beast