THE BEAST PAGE 3 DISTURBINGLY PHALLIC OLYMPIC MASCOTS

 

Names: Athena and Phevos

Turn-ons: Ostentatious Displays of international fair play while conflict rages around the world, corrupt IOC officials, anabolic steroids, pre-pubescent gymnasts

Turn-offs: Islamic terrorists, bureaucratic foot-dragging, Turkish attempts to join the EU, Bruce Jenner’s ghastly nose job

How we became THE BEAST PAGE 3 DISTURBINGLY PHALLIC OLYMPIC MASCOTS: We were conjured by a surprisingly well-regarded graphic designer early one morning after he had spent the night smoking Afghani opium and knocking back a bottle of ouzo. Unable to fall asleep due to the thousands of hallucinatory screaming voices apparently emanating from his refrigerator, our creator began drawing, focusing intently upon a pair of Pyrex beakers he had bought at a garage sale, which he found to be oddly homoerotic in his advanced state of narcosis. Once he was finished with our blobby, testicular feet, he was overwhelmed with the notion that he had made a masterpiece of "profound psychedelic insight." Unfortunately, he still felt that way when he awoke in his chair sixteen hours later.

Future Plans: We’re planning on spending the duration of the Olympics suffering intense ridicule and casual disdain from nearly everyone who encounters our image. But how can we even blame them? Look at us! How twisted are those little abstract boobs on Athena? For the love of god, we’re terrified to open our mouths for the fear that pee might come streaming out of them at any moment! After the games, we’re hoping to slowly fade into obscurity, and maybe settle down with a couple of nice orifices somewhere on the left bank.

How we would like to be remembered: As proof that the marketing committee that selected us from a stack of better submissions should be fed alive to the Romanian women’s track and field team. Also as an inspiration to unpopular body parts everywhere, illustrating that they to can get quality global face time too, as long as they’re drawn very poorly.

 



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