[sic] -- your letters


TERSE TRIBUTE

Re: "The Christ of Money Counto"

Very funny, very original. I look forward to reading more of Taibbi's work.

Best,

Nima

Dear Nima,

OK.


EDITORIAL CATFIGHT

Dear Beast,

In Al Utham's cover story, he makes the assertion (sarcastically) that homosexuality is seen as a sin in the bible, and that's "clad in stone"; while the "first commandment is more of a guideline."

the first commandment is "thou shall worship no other idol" – what guideline are you talking about? I think you mixed up the commandments and the ammendments, you moron! HAhAHAHAHAH! yes, that's what it is – this administration fucks with the first ammendment, not the first commandment. seperate the church from the state, you knucklehead! and secondly, what does "clad in stone" mean? it was dressed in stone? you mean SET in stone, don't get your literary license revoked.

all in all the issue was ok. it suffered from a lack of chris riordan. that guy

is hilarious. where was he?

-Chris Riordan

Mr. Uthman Responds:

Dear Chris,

I’m ashamed to admit that you have illuminated my religious ignorance. I just assumed that "Thou shalt not kill" would be the first commandment; after all, it sounds like the most important one to me. Leave it to God to put his own vanity and jealousy first. "Clad in stone" is what you’re going to be when we drop you in the nearest body of water, you nit-picking armchair editor.

As for Mr. Riordan, I assumed he spent the last few weeks sitting at home, making love to his bong and staring at the phone; but it turns out he was in Utica, smoking rock and feverishly dissecting articles of a caliber he can never hope to achieve.

By the way, you spelled "amendment," "separate," and my name wrong, bitch.


SERIOUSLY ASKING FOR IT

Dear Beast:

My dad and I had a fight and didn't speak for 15 years, until last month.

I decided that the old man won't be around too much longer and figured I should be big about it, let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet. So I called him. That weekend I took the kids over there to meet their grandpa for the first time. We have talked on the phone several more times since then in addition to getting together for lunch twice. After all of this there is one thing I have come to realize...

I should have left well enough alone and let the fucker go ahead and die without contacting him. He's still the same mean, bitter, vile, hateful, abusive person he always was. I'm only glad my Mom finally died 5 years ago so she doesn't have to endure his abuse any more.

Sincerely,

Fred R. Melon

Dear Fred,

Man, are you pathetic. The only conclusion we can draw from the fact that you sent this vulnerable expression of personal pain to us of all people is that you actually crave abuse—you’re clearly inviting it. Maybe you should think about that a little. Perhaps your father is simply responding to your pitiful need to be ridiculed and belittled. If we’re the closest thing you have to friends, well, you need to make some friends. Join a support group for hopeless losers or some such pussified thing. If you really want to get back at your dad, why not pay him one more visit, slip him a mickey, and then rob his ass? You could rent a van for the occasion. Your paternal pain may be with you forever, but watching Dr. Phil on that big screen TV might ease it just a little. And stop abusing your kids.


BITCH-ASS RETURNS

First of all you stupid poor boy, I grew up in Buffalo as I wrote in my previous letters, but you seemed to have missed that considering you're fried on something. And what a big surprise. The half-an-Oscar-Meyer po' boys have challenged me to a fight. Fine, here's the deal: If you call the police after Ibr###k yer fucking #$%, then you have to publish one of my letters every issue until you guys finally go back to Budapest or Beijing, or wherever the fuck you creeps came from. I'm 6'2 and 275 pounds and an Italian from a town none of you can call your town considering how bad you rip on it. That's Buffalo, boys, a place you're not good enough for. Try Erie, I'm sure you'd fit right in with the "exploding necklace" crowd.

Heck, it occurred to me that not even Taibbi lives here (I think this is right, but because your so fucking weird and secretive, who the hell knows!). So let your nut-so's, I mean your readers (ten at the most) on the secret: Does this so-called journalist live in Buffalo? It sure doesn't seem that way because I can't recall reading anything he wrote about Buffalo! Jesus, Mary and Joseph...that's all good 'ole Buff needs, a bunch of perverted reporters writing about something on the other side of the world, and to make it worse, you piss all over the town.

Please do us favor -- Get lost! You're not as good as you think you are, and I hate to break your hearts, a lot of real, normal people (about 95 percent) in my hometown have never even heard of you, and, let me tell you, if they did, you'd have a whole crowd of crazed Dagos and Wops knocking at your door. My you guys are funny, all you do is yap, yap, yap, yet no one reads you. Again do us a favor -- save some trees! Shit, somebody alert the Greens!

I tell you what, I'll even pay for the move. I heard they use chickens as currency in Guatamala. What's the difference, you could cover the world from there, because you sure aren't doing Buff any good.

da' Man

Columbus

Dear sorry, bored, stupid loser,

The dearth of homophobic insults in your new letter clearly shows that we touched a nerve in calling out your latent desires toward Mr. Taibbi. We urge you to look within yourself and consider the matter further—is your rage misdirected, a manifestation of your self-loathing? There’s nothing wrong with being gay, Bill; you need to accept and love yourself for who you are. It only makes more sense, now that we know you’re Italian. The Catholic guilt must be killing you—have you considered joining the clergy?

On the other hand, describing your build to us is not going to excite our prurient interest—like we said before, Bill, we’re just not that way. There are plenty of homosexual journalists out there who would be interested in a 6’2", 275-pound swarthy gent like yourself—why not go after one of them?

As to your complaint that we "piss all over the town," it’s not our fault that there aren’t enough public restrooms here. Why is it that brain-dead asses like yourself think they’re doing Buffalo a favor by pretending that everything is just fabulous here? Do you think that all of our problems are going to go away if we just close our eyes? We can picture the headlines: "Local Gov’t is Really Great!" "Casino Gambling Cures All Ailments!" "Bill from Columbus not a Dick!" We love this town enough to be honest with it, no matter how much it hurts. By the way, Taibbi can’t write about Buffalo because he only leaves his sensory deprivation tank long enough to go to the bathroom, type, and eat more mushrooms.

One more thing, before you cast any more aspersions at our wise and sophisticated readership: has it occurred to you yet, retard, that you yourself are a faithful BEAST "nut-so" reader? It’s deliciously ironic, really, to know that you’re sitting there reading this right now, brain slowly percolating with new insults about a group to which you undeniably belong. More self-loathing, Bill? You really need to focus on yourself for a while, don’t you think?


NUMB AND DUMBER

Subject: Police Warning for Drivers in Buffalo

I thought this was important enough to share with everyone. This e-mail is from someone who suppossedly "knows" someone who is a fireman with the Bflo. Fire Dept. He also has police officer friends. Please take this warning seriously. Unfortunately, being a "good samaritan" can be DEADLY. It is another numbing "sign of the times" we now live in!

Be Conscious and Safe,

B. Russell

POLICE WARNING

ONE OF THE OFFICERS WHO WORKS WITH THE DARE PROGRAM HAS PASSED ALONG THE FOLLOWING WARNING AND ASKED THAT IT BE SHARED WITH ALL DRIVERS. THIS IS AN EXTREMELY SERIOUS MATTER. IF YOU ARE DRIVING AFTER DARK AND YOU SEE A CAR WITHOUT ITS HEAD-LIGHTS ON. . . DO NOT FLASH YOUR LIGHTS!! DO NOT BLOW YOUR HORN OR MAKE ANY SIGNALS TO THE DRIVER OF THE OTHER CAR...THERE IS A NEW COMMON GANG INITIATION 'GAME' GOING ON THE STREETS. THE NEW MEMBER BEING INITIATED DRIVES ALONG WITHOUT HIS HEADLIGHTS ON UNTIL SOMEONE NOTICES AND FLASHES THEIR HEADLIGHTS OR MAKES SOME SORT OF OTHER ACTION TO SIGNAL HIM.

THE GANG MEMBER IS NOW REQUIRED TO CHASE THE CAR AND SHOOT AT OR INTO THE CAR IN ORDER TO COMPLETE HIS INITIATION REQUIREMENTS.

MAKE SURE YOU SHARE THIS INFORMATION WITH YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND ANYONE ELSE YOU CAN REACH. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR INFORMATION, PLEASE CALL YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT.

PLEASE TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW ON E-MAIL AND IN PERSON. IT COULD SAVE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

Dear B. Russell,

You’re an idiot. This bullshit rumor has been floating around for at least a decade, and LA gangs even held a press conference to debunk it many years ago. In reality, the gang members follow you home, smother you in cream cheese, and then hold you down while fluffy cats lick it off, which can be quite invigorating, actually.

The only "sign of the times" here is your willingness to believe any bullshit you find in your e-mail inbox. Have fun living in fear, stupid.


METROPHOBIC IN MOSCOW

Dear Matt

Damn interesting article...double plus-good infact.

It's interesting to note that there are plenty of mens (metrosexual?) mags in Moscow now too; GQ, Maxim etc . Yesterday I bought GQ (with a pic of Brad Pitt posing on the front) I felt distinctly uncomfortable reading it on Teh Metro with Russian men all around me.

WHY? Because it seemed to be rather an effeminate magazine. I'm by no means macho but I AM a normal masculine man. (i.e not gay) 'Loaded' was out here too but I haven't seen it for weeks.

Russians often talk about unisex fashions. Those curly-toed pointed shoes that women wear....and some men wear too.....unisex bomber jackets, sports wear, silvery sunglasses, CK perfume and as you mentioned, cosmetics.

Nutter or knowledged?

I think everything is going to plan. The NWO, globalisation one world govt. Pedophiles, gays, unisex shit etc. Look out for the anti-Christ. We'll all bow down to him.........thinking he's Christ. Don't be fooled.

Cheers

Stephen

Dear Stephen,

We’ll admit it, you really had us going until that last paragraph. How do you think pedophiles figure into the New World Order? Lumping homosexuals in with pedophiles and then warning of the antichrist makes it clear that you can read whatever message you want into any text, not just the bible. You look out for the anti-christ; we’re looking out for religious homophobes like you.


COMMIES BUSTED!

So, you guys admitted to reading your rivals magazine, the ArtVoice. I'm so surprised that any of you can actually read in English.

P.S. Don't make fun of my manifesto, or I'll just send you more of it. How did you ever guess that my disability was mental related?

Ten year US Navy veteran 1982-1992 disabled.

Dear Napoleon Blown-apart,

Jeez, man, we can only print one letter per issue! Try to hold yourself back a little. We thought about printing your paranoid "plan for peace," especially with its "Speak English or Leave" ignorant-ass bullshit, but chose this one because it displays the lighter side of xenophobic fascism.

Of course we read Artvoice, how else are we going to find out what self-stroking theatre majors are doing this week? "Know thy enemy" is, we trust, advice that you also live by, since you seem to read our paper thoroughly. Until next time, faithful correspondent, enjoy your impotent rage.




Letters to the Evil Editors should be addressed to:
sic@buffalobeast.com

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