Everybody Loves Retards

A BEAST "Special" Report


In the dictionary, the word "special" is defined as follows;

Spe•cial 1. Particular in kind, surpassing what is common or usual; exceptional: a special occasion; a special treat.

2. Distinct among others of a kind.

3. Peculiar to a specific person or thing.

4. Having a limited or specific function, application or scope.

5. Retards

It is in the fifth category of this definition that we focus our attention. Retards, or "tards" as many like to say, have become an ever growing part of the American iconography. It seems that no matter where one travels to in this great nation, there are retard stories to be told by people in all walks of life.

One is forced to ask, what is so special about "special" people? They sing, they paint, and they get their own area in the school cafeteria, and are unusually strong and surprisingly fast when angered. This may not seem like much to shout about but try and find a person, from the average citizen to the Special Education teacher, that doesn’t have a favorite retard story to tell in the company of friends. Maybe you were chased down the hall by one in middle school, perhaps you witnessed one screaming "PEANUTS" from the stall of a public bathroom or maybe there was one licking the window of the small bus that you happened to be next to in traffic. Quite simply, the growing "tard" population, combined with the introduction of more Wal-Mart Superstores into countless communities, is making it near impossible for social interaction with retarded people not to occur on an almost daily basis.

One might be challenged to ask why, in these days of ethnic and racial discrimination, have only the retards sailed upon the great ship of acceptance, landed safely onto the shores of America and ridden the golden buses to Pizza Hut for the "all you can eat" lunch buffet of freedom. No protest was held, nor a march on the capital conducted by the great "tard" collective in the hopes of achieving equality, for their special needs were met without question.

The answer is much more simplistic than one may realize; unlike any other group, retards have had the unwavering support of quite possibly the most powerful and influential media dreadnaught the world has ever seen: Hollywood California. That’s right; the great megalith that is the Hollywood entertainment industry embraced the retard populace and set about etching them into the collective consciousness as the misunderstood and unsung heroes of our time. Of course, this is not done in the spirit of pure altruism but for the box office dollar generated by the great retard anomaly. Add to that the seemingly guaranteed fast track to fame guaranteed to any actor who portrays a rogue "tard" with exceptional acting skill.

For over forty years, beginning with old Boo Radley in 1962’s "To Kill a Mockingbird," Hollywood has mounted the "Tard Revolution," bringing retards into the limelight and fame and fortune to many a previously unknown actor.

To demonstrate this point, The BEAST has assembled a short yet comprehensive list of the great deluge of retard-based cinema. It should be noted that, in the hopes of maintaining a highly offensive standard of gross generalization, all levels of disability have been collected under the retard banner.


Rocky: In 1976, Hollywood brought us Rocky. Though Rocky Balboa was not technically portrayed as a retard, it was clear from Silvester Stallone’s performance that the numerous incidents of blunt force trauma to his character’s head gave Rocky all the lovable qualities found in the cinematic Retard. Rocky’s choice of a socially inept woman to be his bride also bolstered his "tard" credentials.

"Take her to the zoo Rock, I hear retards like the zoo."


Bill: In 1981 we were graced with "Bill." Mickey Rooney stared in the comeback performance of a lifetime. An old retarded man is released from an institution with only his birdcage-building skills and lucky two dollar bill to keep him company. Bill finds out the hard way that life as a free Retard involves a lot of confusion and crying. This movie taught us that it is OK to adopt old retarded men with thyroid problems. Though made for television, "Bill" is still deserving of note in the great Retard ranks.

  "I used to go out with Judy Garland."


Goonies: In 1985, Goonies startled audiences with a horribly deformed and abused man-child named "Sloth" who loved Baby Ruth candy bars and terrified fat children. Sloth helped save the day with his "tard"-based gifts and was awarded with a loving family in the end. Sloth showed us that even the most horrible-looking creature can be made harmless with the application of a Superman t-shirt, as well as teaching us that fat children are people too.

"Gragggh"


Rain Man: 1988 was the Year of the Retard. Dustin Hoffman won an Academy Award for his portrayal of an exceptionally gifted autistic savant in Rain Man. Hoffman’s performance was magnificent, and it taught us many valuable truths about retards. For instance, retards like Peoples’ Court, K-mart and fish-sticks. If only one remembers these simple facts, no Retarded houseguest need ever break glassware again.

  "Definitely, definitely retarded"


My Left Foot: In 1989, Daniel Day Lewis surfed the Great Retard Wave created the year before by Hoffman and picked up his own Academy Award for My Left Foot by showing us that severely crippled retards can kick dodge balls hard.. Lewis showed us that retards can not only be useful, but they have potential combat applications if properly angered

 "Feet can be sexy."


What's Eating Gilbert Grape: In 1993 a virtually unknown actor named Leonardo DiCaprio stunned audiences with his exceptional performance as Johnny Depp’s incredibly annoying retarded brother. This role helped bring DiCaprio to fame and showed us that retards can climb to high places and that the police will arrest Retards just the same as everyone else. Jerks!

"I like matches"


Nell: In 1994, Jodie Foster wowed audiences with her performance in Nell, the story of a woman who lived alone and detached from civilization for most of her life. Nell taught us that people with very deep Southern accents are actually retarded and potentially sexually appealing in a disturbing way.

"Nell want shampoo"


Slingblade: In 1996 Billy Bob Thornton sling-shot to stardom with his awesome performance as "Karl" in the film Slingblade. You see, Karl reads the Bible and has an odd tendency to kill sinners with lawnmower blades. Slingblade taught us many things; for instance, retards read scripture and enjoy eating French-fried potatoes (not a substitute for fish-sticks). We also learned that Retards kill sinners with lawnmower blades. This is something to think about the next time you skip the collection plate at church.

"I’m here to kill you I reckon."


The Other Sister: In 1999, Juliet Lewis and Giovanni Ribisi starred in The Other Sister a.k.a. "Retards in Love." Unlike other Retard Cinema, this movie was a flop, and with good reason. Even though audiences received a double dose of lovable retards, America did not respond well to the retard sexcapade concept. From this film, we learned that Americans like their retards single and lovable and at no point wish to see them breaking off into breeding pairs. After all, there are already too many chromosomes involved to begin with.

  "Eww"


I Am Sam: In 2001, Sean Penn portrayed a retarded father fighting for the custody of his young daughter. His performance may not have won Penn an Oscar, but it put him on the road to his 2004 win. I Am Sam taught us that retards laugh and cry a lot, but more importantly it taught us that retarded people can get laid, and if a retard can hook up with a normal chick then so can you.

"I fucked Madonna!"


Radio: 2003 brought us Radio, starring Cuba Gooding Jr. as a big buck-toothed "tard." Unlike most actors who use retard roles to gain notoriety and success, Cuba went the opposite way. After winning an Oscar for his role as a loud and obnoxious athlete in Jerry Maguire, people started to realize that Mr. Gooding actually was simply loud and obnoxious as a person and in fact had all the talent of an afghan. Cuba thought Radio would put him back on top but even Ed Harris and big prosthetic buck-teeth couldn’t stop this film from flopping. However, we did learn that retardation knows no color.

"Show me the talent"


Now in 2004, America’s love affair with the impaired is showing no sign of waning. Will we reaffirm our trust in our first retarded president? Only time will tell, retard.



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© 2004 The Beast