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Tillman Critic Trounced  - Matt Taibbi

Bush's Archival Ambitions  - Al Uthman

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Name: Lynddie England

Turn-ons: Wanton emasculation, digital cameras, corpses

Turn-offs: The Geneva conventions, “60 Minute II,” dignity

How I became THE BEAST PAGE 3 HORRIFIC NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT: Well, after getting shot at and stuff by these ungrateful sandies, me and my new man jumped at the chance to “soften up” a few for those intelligent guys. OK, maybe things got a little out of hand, but Charlie and me, we’re kinda still on our honeymoon, you see? After all, I couldn’t wait to kill me some terrorists after 9/11—but they stuck me on guard duty, so what was I supposed to do, comport myself with the respect that befits my country’s image or something?

Future Plans: Well, the commie liberal media has its panties twisted over these damn pictures—I know, I know—that was stupid—so I guess we’re probably gonna have to do some time to protect the people who are really responsible for letting us go apeshit on these ragheads. After that, Charlie says we could go to New York City and make a thousand bucks an hour doing the same things to wealthy businessmen. But first I’m gonna go back to the trailer park and knock back a few PBRs with my proud kin—I’m a star now!

How we would like to be remembered: As the crazy bitch that you secretly fantasize about. As a proud mother of fourteen degenerate parasites. As the person who single-handedly did away with the notion that women are morally superior to men. As the poster-child for the growing influence of the European Union.

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© 2004 The Beast