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    ASK ARIEL

with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon!


Dear Ariel,

My mom and dad got divorced last year when I was fourteen, and it was pretty devastating for me. Now my mom is seeing a new guy, “Bill.” Bill is an OK guy in some ways, but he bosses me around like I’m his kid or something. He won’t let me play video games or listen to music when I want, and orders me to mow the lawn and clean my room as if he were my own father. My mom says its good for me to have discipline, but I think it’s not right for him to act like my dad. What should I do? – Distraught in Deleware

Dear Distraught,

If freedom to determine your own destiny is your goal, then you must appear justified in your actions against the subject. The best way to do this is to incite him to violence in front of witnesses, ideally your mother, and then “respond” with lethal force. For instance, you could mutter something under your breath to him, like “your mother’s a whore, you disgusting pig.” This should be enough to get him to strike you, at which point you can easily justify jamming a ballpoint pen into his throat. You can alleviate your mother’s trauma with a portion of the large foreign subsidies you should be getting as a result of your heroic preemptive action.


Dear Ariel,

I’ve suspected my girlfriend of cheating on me for some time now, but I just found out it’s true. What’s worse, she’s been fooling around with my room mate and best friend of ten years! I’m reeling right now, and I don’t know what to do. I still love her, Ariel, but I can’t believe my friend’s betrayal. Should I leave town or what? – Pissed in Pittsburgh

Dear Pissed,

Well, you need to focus on what you really want here. It seems you don’t really want to leave her, so you need to remove the source of your pain, AKA your duplicitous “friend.” It is sometimes difficult to terminate a subject with whom you have shared fond memories, especially when he is pleading for his life. For this reason I suggest you sneak into his room and slit his throat while he sleeps. If you do it right, he’ll be dead before he even knows what hit him, and your girlfriend will almost certainly be deterred from ever straying from your side again.


Dear Ariel,

I am in a mess of trouble. Me and my new honey are over here in Iraq, and we’ve been put in charge of taking care of a bunch of no good rag-head prisoners. Now we was just having a little fun one night after finishing a bottle of wild turkey, and things got out of hand—way out of hand. Worst thing is that we took pictures—I know, you don’t have to tell me how stupid I am. Now it’s like we’re personally responsible for shaming our country—and I feel just awful. What can I do to make myself feel better? – Busted in Baghdad

Dear Busted,

Well, this is a tough thing to get over. You may have to think about starting over somewhere else. Have you ever considered a career in national security or covert intelligence operations? Your perversity and sadistic streak would come in handy here in Israel, where we always strive for the cutting edge in interrogation techniques. Plus, we always protect our own. Why not fax me over a resume and list of allegations today?


Dear Ariel,

I’m having a difficult situation with my neighbor. He won’t stop complaining about my new fence. He’s upset just because it happens to enclose a swimming pool that was formerly his. What am I supposed to do, tear it down? – Bathing in Birmingham

Dear Bathing,

This is clearly a dispute that must be settled decisively. In this case, your most effective action can be best implemented by the use of a bulldozer. First, call the subject, to make sure he is home. Then knock his house down with him in it. If he survives, he probably won’t bother you anymore anyway, especially once you explain how easy it was to locate his mother’s residence on the internet.


Dear Ariel,

Look, I’m no anti-semite; as a matter of fact, I’m Jewish myself. Yet I still cannot understand the double-standard which seems to apply to the violence between Israel and the Palestinians. Why does it seem that the suffering and death of Arabs is less important to the western world than that of the Israelis? – Baffled in the Bronx

Dear Baffled,

Your dilemma is a common one, but it is easily answered. There are many reasons why our plight is more deserving of sympathy, but perhaps just a few will illuminate the issue for you. Here are my top ten reasons why Arab lives are worth less than those of Jews:

1. They’re not funny. When’s the last an Arab cracked you up with his witty, self-deprecating humor? No timing, plodding pacing…

2. Their chicks can’t show any leg. Or anything else, for that matter.

3. They’re poor. It’s all about the Benjamins, baby.

4. They invented algebra. Yes, all those agonizing hours spent solving for X came courtesy of the ‘freedom-haters.’ We should have known.

5. Pronouncing their names makes us feel silly. Admit it.

6. They don’t drink. Bo-ring! Who wants to party with these guys?

7. Polygamy. Fundamentally undemocratic. If the rich guys all have four wives, what’s left for everyone else?

8. The Reuben. Best sandwich ever!

9. Those moustaches. How seventies!

10. We’re Whiter. That’s right, I said it.




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