Buffalo's Best Fiend

President Bush, in a press conference on Wednesday, insisted that while he abhors the alleged mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners of war, most of said prisoners are "much happier" with the abuse administered by US soldiers than what they had become accustomed to under Saddam’s old regime, and in fact prefer it by a margin of 9-to-1.

“We will investigate this situation, find those responsible and punish them accordingly,” Bush told reporters, “but let’s keep in mind that most of the same prisoners are much better off with hoods over their heads and electrodes on their extremities than they would be if Saddam were still in power.”

After pausing and clearing his throat, the President continued by saying, “I mean, who wouldn’t take some minor electrocution over having his eyeballs removed after just having watched his wife and children lined up and shot by a masked firing squad?”

When asked to explain the presence of an angry mob, which has gathered around the prison daily in the hopes of speaking to loved ones, President Bush replied, “I said 9 out of 10, not 10 out of 10.”

Reports of general satisfaction amongst Iraqis with forms of torture that were performed by deviant members of the US Army cannot be completely verified, but Bush insists that, “not only are their schools, hospitals, utilities and other facilities up and running, but reports indicate that those troops responsible for these violations of international law have even reduced the average electrical shock dealt to prisoners from 1000 volts for five seconds -- the old regime’s standard -- to 500 volt shocks in short bursts.”

Red Cross inspectors, recently permitted to enter the grounds of Abu Ghraib prison (a facility once notorious for the various forms of extreme torture the Baath party used against political and social dissidents,) found the prisoners to be in far better spirits than they thought.

“I recall once when I was YAAAA! incarcerated for spiting on a poster of Saddam AAAAIE!,” said prisoner Sahl Mohammed, who had been arrested for attending a protest regarding electricity and water utilities being shut off for three months in the city of Baghdad, in between shots from a US Army standard issue tazer. “This is nothing YYYAAAAA! compared to what they did to me then! AAAHHHG! NOOOOOO! I love Americans!”

“Though I haven’t seen my husband in six months,” said Shama Shanta, wife of missing Iraqi Moustaf , “I am confident that he was the one in the newspapers shown stripped naked with his head forced between his knees and photographed from behind. If it were Saddam who had placed him in prison, he definitely would have been dead by now.”

But although the torturings may be satisfactory in a comparative sense, Bush was adamant in Insisting that the US does not condone the actions that have been reported, such as electrocution, excessive beatings, sexual humiliation, starvation and sleep deprivation.

“These actions do not reflect anything that typifies America, its citizens or its ideals," he said sternly. "The few individuals who have tarnished the reputation of America’s military will be brought to justice. I can assure the citizens of Iraq that those who are innocent of war crimes and yet are being held at by coalition forces shall be released quickly and are not to be harmed. Many Iraqi husbands and fathers will soon appear at the front doors of their homes and residences.”

Bush added, “Of course, they might also appear on some weird Internet sex sites and tabloid magazines first, but rest assured they’re on their way.”

"The road to democracy is not an easy one," he concluded, "and it will take time to phase out the misuse of electric drill bits, ceiling suspensions and acid baths from a culture so deeply rooted in its history, even under a new conquering force such as the United States – but we are trying.”

Donald Rumsfeld also spoke out against the acts of abuse, but asked that the word "torture" be removed from any statement about the allegations of prisoner mistreatment.

“’Torture’ is a word that I don’t think applies here,” he stated to members of the press. “Though I don’t have all the facts in front of me, nor have I read General Taguba’s report [on the abuses of Iraqi POW’s], the word ‘torture’, to me, means something much worse than the ‘extreme and humiliating use of intimidation and cruelty’, which is what we prefer to label these unfortunate acts at the present time.”

Rumsfeld further contemplated, after licking the back of his hand, “I do not believe that America could ever be found guilty of committing acts that could be legally defined as ‘torture’ with the exception of Fox's daytime programming.”

Scott Borchert writes for www.enduringvision.com, "A webpage of satire, and also love."

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