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Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

  Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, you talk shit like an asshole and smell like one too. Hello Taurus, I bet you thought everyone forgot your birthday. Well, you’d be wrong, because it’s damn near impossible to forget an assface like yourself. You dress loud, you talk loud and even your car is loud. Come to think about it, you and Aries should get together and breed. Your offspring would be a race of super-assholes that could be raised with the goal of sending them off to other nations in the hopes of fostering a continued negative impression of the American people. I would ask you to look to Uranus for guidance, Taurus, but your head is already up in that direction.

 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

  My dear Gemini, the only thing I enjoyed more than hearing your cell phone ring in the movie theater was listening to the extended conversation about your new coffee table as you completely ignored every "shhh" that came your way until you were bothered enough to yell "fuck off" to the offenders. One day (hopefully not to far off), you will be once again yelling or more accurately screaming at your fellow audience members as they drag your rude and disrespectful ass out of your seat and set you on fire in the isle. I can guarantee that you’ll be quiet after that. Neptune is calling you, Gemini, are you sure you want to pick up?

 Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

  Your wife loves you very much, Cancer, but unfortunately she love banging the kid you hired to do landscaping even more. If those grass stains on her knees weren’t evidence enough, then ask yourself about the peat moss in the couch cushions. Maybe you should have taken her to Hawaii like she begged instead of dragging her to that bug-infested swamp you called a campsite and making her cook up catfish for you every night. Its all about cause and effect, Cancer. Look to Mars, and slowly realize that the reason her lips tasted salty the other night had nothing to do with peanuts.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

  Leo, Leo, Leo, how many times do you need to be transferred before you learn to keep your damn hands off the altar boys. For the love of God, the Diocese is running out of churches to place you at, especially after that last fiasco you created with the secret gerbil farm and the "Get it on With God" camping retreat. The next time you feel like touching one of those kids, do us all a favor and shoot yourself in the fucking head with a nail gun. Look to Pluto for some decency, you sick bastard, because it seems that villains do wear black.

 Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

  Aw hell, Virgo, What the hell were you thinking when you told her she "could stand to lose a few pounds?" Now you wander around the house confused and asking yourself why she has been crying for three days while eating countless pints of Haagen Dazs. Maybe you should think before opening your mouth, especially in regards to the weight issue. After all, when is the last time you saw your feet without the help of the Lazy Boy chair? Look to Mars on this one and listen up you dumb shit, go out and buy her some flowers and make dinner reservations at someplace nice, then apologize for being an insensitive prick. Trust me, Virgo; it’s imperative that you do this before the new landscaper starts work next week.

 Libra (September 23 - October 22)

  Libra, you’re one of those sad and miserable people who report cable theft. What kills me is that you actually believe those commercials that vilify the people with "illegal" hookups. Just because you weren’t smart enough to offer the cable guy thirty bucks and a beer when he was hooking up your neighbors house doesn’t mean you should get mad at those who do. Cable providers give as much of a shit about their paying customers as a shark cares about mistaking a surfer for a seal. Just think back on the numerous "we don’t really give a shit" responses you’ve received from them when your cable is out for six hours. Think about that the next time you write out that eighty-seven dollar check…Dickhead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

  Are you still smoking crack, Scorpio? Jesus, I thought by this point you would have realized that shit is no good for you. Let’s see—you have no more friends, no more job(s), no more car and you gave head to a man that smelled like baboon shit last night. I sure hope that last one gained you a special rock. Scorpio, it’s high time you looked your soon-to-be-toothless self in the mirror and woke up. Crack is no good; in fact, nothing introduced into society by the CIA is good for you. It’s time to cut the shit and stop smoking rock Scorpio—straighten up and smoke grass like a self-respecting American.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

  Sweet Sagittarius, where the hell have you been? I called you about fifteen times and you never even called back. Are you too good to return phone calls to your friends? Don’t forget who bailed you out of jail after the Petting Zoo incident. Even your parents wouldn’t help you on that one. I guess your hectic schedule of unemployment, ball-scratching and sleep have just kept you too occupied for phone calls. I’m sure if you needed another ride home from the holding center, my number would be on speed dial. Don’t be a punk-ass, Sagittarius; I want my DVDs back.

 Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

  Just because your life lacks meaning doesn’t dictate that others have the same issues, Capricorn. Perhaps you should take that into consideration the next time you decide to pick a thirty-five-minute fight with a cashier at the grocery store over an expired five-cent coupon. In a perfect world someone would have taken that nickel, bought five penny nails and pounded them into your thick useless skull with a box of frozen vegetables. Look to Venus for wisdom, Capricorn; had you argued with your Lexus dealer the same way you tormented that poor kid over a fucking "Pudding Pops" coupon, you might have gotten the sunroof you wanted so badly.

 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

  Remember when you were eight years old and your mother sweetly told you that when you grew up you could be President of the United States? Well little did she know how true her words were, because you are a lying, thieving, greedy and perverse dirt bag, completely devoid of ethics. When the resume of your life comes across the table, I guarantee that the leadership of the Republican Party with collectively cream in their pants. I’d wish you ill, Aquarius, but hideous people like you seem to live long and healthy lives, whereas good people die in mysterious plane crashes. Look to Mercury, you piece of shit, and don’t worry about what it costs to get into the White House because your ticket to Hell has been pre-paid.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Though it is true that everybody masturbates whether they choose to admit it or not, Pisces, most people don’t do it at work. This is especially true for those who work in a tollbooth. That’s the reason your defense didn’t hold much water with your supervisor. The videotape of you "cleaning up" with five-dollar bills also worked against you. Christ, it’s not like those video cameras are placed inconspicuously. A word of advice, from now on try getting your jerking off done before you leave the house. Your moon is in Saturn, Pisces, this makes it a good month to find a new vocation—just avoid the food service industry…please.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

You may think you’re great, Aries, but everyone around you knows that every breath you take is a waste of oxygen. In fact, on the day you were conceived a tumor started to form on the collective consciousness of the human race. Even in High School your true nature was obvious, after all, not many people get voted "Most likely to live off of Social Assistance" in their senior yearbook. Every time you open your mouth, hordes of crows fly out and peck the eyes out of those around you. The only things bigger than your mouth are the giant piles of bullshit you leave everywhere you go. Look to Jupiter for reflection, Aries—in case you were wondering, that big infected asshole you see is you.


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