The BEAST looks at the brighter side of poverty
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT THINGS about poverty that are never fully covered by the media. It’s never pointed out, for example, that for all it’s supposed down sides, having no money is actually a good thing. Why, it’s like getting your balls licked and your shoes shined every single day! You female double-amputees know what I’m talking about. I mean, you have no concerns about payments on your second home, or where to vacation, and yet you still get to have a refrigerator and a microwave. How awesome is that? I had no idea a college education would make me such a Lucky Ducky, but here I am.
And thanks to our wonderful leadership in Washington, I’m likely to stay poor. The great news is that every day more and more of my fellow Americans are joining me on this exciting journey. Here is a quick list of the many ways America is becoming the land of the Lucky Duckies!
1. Hey, mom, look: No tax payments!
This has to be number one, because everyone hates paying taxes. Well, when you’re not sure where your next meal will come from, your tax liability goes right out the window — right along with your body if things don’t turn around soon. I’m sorry. That was negative. And we know negative thinking is what leads to unhappiness and not nearly two years of unemployment.
2. I Heart Food Stamps
And speaking of food, while soon to be former presidential candidate Newt Gingrich hates food stamps, almost as much as he hates having a wife with cancer, it doesn’t change the fact that plenty people need food assistance. That is so great. Who doesn’t like getting taxpayer money to be able to eat? That is fucking sweet. Of course, they aren’t actual stamps, silly (or food for that matter). Instead, they’re these cool looking EBT cards.
And, in a pinch, you can also use the card to slash your wrists. Sorry, I meant slice a tomato. You know, to put with bacon and lettuce onto a nice sandwich. A nice sandwich you can chew on while you email another resume that yields no responses. Or even better, you’re on a company’s website that asks you 500 different questions for a job that doesn’t even pay $45,000 a year to begin with. Those are fabulous, aren’t they? Apparently, sending people to a corporation’s webpage to fill out an application that has more questions than a girlfriend who finds lipstick on your penis after a bachelor party is the new Mindless Busy Work for the 21st Century.
Was that last paragraph bitter in any way? Sorry, if it came across that way. Bitterness is such a no-no. You have to have the right attitude when looking for work. You must remain positive. Positive. Positive. Positive. Positive, right up the ass.
By the way, the program isn’t even called Food Stamps. It’s actually known as SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program). But perhaps that’s why Newt thinks Obama is the food stamp president. Obama is black. Gingrich hears the word SNAP and suddenly he’s thinking of Def Jam Comedy and gets all confused.
3. You’ll Never Walk Alone…Or Have Virtually Any Private Time
Felix and Oscar from “The Odd Couple”; Jack, Janet and Chrissy from “Three’s Company”; Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sofia from “The Golden Girls”; and now huge portions of America. There is nothing quite so thrilling as being an adult sharing rent with people you’re not even fucking. It’s like hitting sitcom gold — only nothing like that. Of course, for many their roommates are their parents. Which on some planets is a total pussy magnet. Still, sadly, foreclosures are way down, so maybe as many people won’t have to bunk together. Of course, having 804,000 homes repossessed last year does keep hope alive. What a glorious and great thing to get a college education, move out of your parents home, get a job and then lose that job and have to move back in into your parents’ home. It’s hard to imagine anything finer. Now, I understand this can make other people — certainly not myself — very angry. Resentful even. Which is too bad. That type of vibe is what hurts the feelings of Job Creators and why on earth would we do that? We must hug our Job Creators. We must pet our Job Creators. We must squeeze our Job Creators. We should even name them George.
4. Lack of Health Care
Ask anyone and they’ll tell you being able to see a doctor is for steers and queers. And steer doctors are notoriously awful. So it’s a good thing most of us won’t be able to. However, I understand that if I worked and had children I could keep them on my insurance until they were 26 thanks to Obama’s health care bill that he wrote with his friends in the insurance industry. However, I don’t have children and I don’t have a job so to this I say, “Good job, Mr. President.”
5. Early Death
Mind you, even if I did have a job and children that wouldn’t guarantee employment which provides either health insurance or a good health plan. But herein lies another win for poverty. Because I’m poor, I’m almost certainly am going to die earlier. Life has always had a notorious liberal bias. Thankfully, like Fox News helps tell the other side of accurate news reporting, the current job situation in America helps correct the pro-living bias of mainstream employment.
Why it’s just sunshine all over the place.
Joe Dixon is currently unemployed. Duh. Follow him on Twitter, or check out his Youtube channel if you want to see him get drunk and read the bible.