"Totally coup, yo."

5 things to look for during tonight’s debate




A BEAST Guide to the Politics

1) The main thing you’re going to want to watch out for are two moving shapes that make a bit of noise. Those shapes are called politicians. You can tell this by their flag pins. The odd sounds they emit is called pandering bullshit. 

2) The whole thing will be a bit like watching Abby & Brittany Hensel argue about where to go on vacation. They may disagree, but you know they’re going to the same goddamn place.

3) There will be another mostly stationary figure with a head like a microwaved potato. He’s called Jim Lehrer. He will also be making some noise. At times, the tone may seem confrontational, but the chatter should prove to be rather inane.

4) You’re going to want to pretend that Lehrer’s middle name is “Evil,” and that a tiny super-villain lives inside of him. Imagine the tiny super-villain saying things like, “To the Evil Lehrer!” This is an important part of the political process.

5) Whatever. Fuck this. Fuck you. I’m tired and I’m going to take a lengthy nap before The BEAST drunk-tweets the debate!

  • Randy

    Regarding point #1, Obama was wearing a US flag pin. Romney, as with
    many Republicans I’ve seen this campaign season, was not. He was
    wearing a pin that had a dark dot on it. What is that thing?

    • Sean

      Masonic symbol

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