Buffalo's Best Fiend

The venue was cozy, the music was divine and the beer was the best that Milwaukee has to offer. This was the event that shall forever be known as “BEAST BASH ’04 – Chronicles of Libation. ®”

On May 22, 2004, The Buffalo BEAST held it’s bi-gubernatorial bash at the Tudor Lounge, abar long known for its location at the corner of Franklin and Tupper. Upon arriving to the Bash, several BEAST staffers had to be treated for shock due to the fact that people actually showed up for the event. A source close to Associate Editor Chris Crawford reported that on his arrival Chris said incredulously, “There’s a bunch of people here, man,” shortly after which he collapsed in shock. Some time later BEAST Editor Al Uthman arrived and was heard exclaiming “There’s people here,” just before suffering from abrief bout of incontinence. In fact, the Tudor was packed with loyal BEAST readers who came together for free liquor, food and music.

Like any road to success, there were some bumps along the way. Originally local rock star and publishing mogul Jamie Moses and his band were sought for the venue, but unfortunately Mr. Moses was too busy being an asshole to attend. The Alt-Press Jug-band was also sought for the event, but there was a scheduling conflict between “BEAST BASH ’04 – Chronicles of Libation ®” and an annual convention of Publications for More White Space (PMWS). The BEAST staff decided to move away from the boy-band flash and made sacrifice to the Gods of local music. Only then did an unlikely tag-team of musical libido, Anal Pudding and Lazlo Holleyfeld, sign on to the event.

Quite simply,the entertainment was top notch and would have stood up proudly against any Vegas mainstay. The opening act was two sheet pizzas being devoured by attendees in just under four minutes. Once the crowd was warmed up, Anal Pudding took the stage and set the room on fire with a rousing set of soon to be hits such as “Can I Masturbate In Your Car” and “I’ve Got Big Balls – Redux,” the latter with Chris Riordan on guest vocals. The room was ripped up into a raucous session of musical foreplay and worked the crowd to the point of insertion. At this point “Anal Pudding” merged with the reptilian mating ball it had created. It was then that “LAZLO HOLLYFELD” took to the stage and made love to the crowd for hours with a long powerful groove that left the crowd relaxed and satisfied. Former BEAST Editor and local sociopath Chris Riordan duly noted the oneness in the room when he said “I just choked a guy over there; you should throw him out because I’ll start pounding on his face.” Riordan went on to expose his oddly large and misshapen testicles and dangle them over the head of a resident C.H.U.D. whomlocals have taken to calling “Kenny.”

By the end of the night there wasn’t a sober BEAST staffer in the house or roaming the streets for pizza at 4am. “BEAST BASH ’04 – Chronicles of Libation ®” was a complete success and The BEAST would like to thank everyone involved in “BEAST BASH ’04 – Chronicles of Libation, ®” and thanks to everybody who came out to play, except for the deadbeat hippie assface who kept ordering seven drinks at a time with no consideration to the drinking habits of others…Fuck you and your shitty hat.

Letters to the Evil Editors should be addressed to:
sic@buffaloBEST.com