Buffalo's Best Fiend

Sweet Smell of Spring -- The trees are green, garden flowers have sprouted and bloomed already, it's an unseasonably beautiful Spring and after a long, cold winter we've come to some painful conclusions about our life. First of all, we're ashamed of our bad attitude, it's been mean, vicious and generally only polite to close friends and hot young girls. We've hurt people with our words and felt like complete jerks in the process, and for that, we're more than sorry. We didn't start writing this column with the idea of badmouthing politicians, city workers, businessmen and so on, calling people scumbags and stuff like that, it just sort of happened. The pain in our heart has become unbearable, however, and it's time to change our ways. That's it, no excuses, just pure, soul searching honesty and you loyal readers won't suffer through any more bad news on current events in Buffalo. So break out your bubble gum and soda pop, sit back, relax, and enjoy the all-new G-rated News In Briefs. No more hurt feelings or cheap shots. Promise.

Gay Marriage -- It's a wonderful thing when two people are in love and willing to devote their lives to each other. What's even better is when these two can share all their clothes, hold hands at the local pee trough and never worry if there's only one toothbrush in the house. In the first gay marriage for Erie County, none other than Joel Giambra and Andrew Rudnick, our valiant public saviors, took the plunge and were married in secret by the County Executive himself. A reception afterwards at the Buffalo Club found the two grooms beaming with gay pride amidst the cheers and applause of the cream of county elite. Although they've publicly denied the rumors, word around Buffalo Niagara Partnership headquarters is that hubby Joel stops by frequently for a little lunchtime nut stroking from the ambidextrous Andrew who revels in post-encounter lip-smacking and effusive mustache-brushing in the hallways, telling anyone who will listen he's in love. We knew there was something up both their asses and aren't really surprised it's each other; they make such a perfect couple. Love is grand for these two and we're a better county for it.

Rats! -- A West Side rat infestation hit home for some undeserving rich folks, including Mayor Masiello's personal Eden over on Penhurst Park. County health officials have been too busy enforcing the smoking ban to investigate, but they're pretty sure the rats are coming from unsanitary stores, restaurants and poor people living on the wrong side of Elmwood Avenue. The Mayor took decisive action in hiring Gene's Ethical Exterminations, a local company who use kind words, sirloin steak and patience to coax furry little buggers out of domiciles instead of death traps. It's been ten days and Gene's diligent crew estimate ninety percent of the rats have been relocated back to the Lower West Side where they belong. A spokesmen admitted, "We can only banish so many rats from the Mayors' house; he'll have to take preventative measures, otherwise they'll be back." One thing we can always say about our Mayor is that he's one hell of a humane person and has no personal qualms about all the rats around him.

Enormo-Dome A Reality -- Long scoffed at as a corrupt politician's pipe dream, county officials are just about ready to announce plans for the construction of the biggest stadium in the world right here in downtown Buffalo. Nicknamed the Enormo-Dome by naysayers, the $2 billion stadium will have the capacity to seat over 650,000 people and will take up more than thirty square city blocks. It's believed the stadium will make Buffalo the North American capital for soccer, and if that fails, the Bills will be induced to move in along with any other teams ready to sign up, including Little Leagues. County Executive Joel Giambra gave taxpayers plenty of reassurance, saying "It's a win-win situation for everyone involved. We're borrowing the $2 billion at a great rate and it will only take a hundred and twenty-five years or so to pay off. The Enormo-Dome is a project my advisors and I believe will be a great boost for the city, the county and Buffalo Office Interiors." All construction work has been pre-awarded to close friends of the County Executive, people he knows we can trust to give us the best value for the price to make the dream a reality. This sort of initiative and integrity is pure brilliance, only places like Mexico have half million-seat stadiums and if this doesn't bring the masses to Buffalo, nothing will!

New Presses Roll -- The Buffalo News held a huge party for itself, celebrating the joyful debut of the new $40 million presses which began rolling out our daily dose of Truth, Justice and the American Way full time. Employees were actually kissing the darn things, so grateful were they to finally be a part of a contemporary news organization. Warren Buffet was ecstatic in his conference call, basking in the adulation of advertisers and subscribers alike. Although he was not personally present because he was too busy counting all the money he takes out of Buffalo, Buffet sent his warmest regards to all News employees, including the forty-some party poopers outside who got fired because the new presses rendered them obsolete. Truly, it was a historic day for all of us, the century is only three and a half years old and we have a fine paper to guide us through the next millennia and beyond! Don't you just feel sorry for all those poor suckers who abandoned Buffalo for greener pastures in the '70s, '80s, and '90s while the new paper was being planned in such fine detail? Ahhh, the payoff is always worth the wait. Of course, the new presses broke down the other day and prevented the 'sunrise' edition from getting printed-but the gay dalmation was back up and running by evening!

City Employees Pitch In -- In the most unselfish move in Buffalo civil administration history, city teachers, police, firemen and other unionized workers agreed to across the board pay cuts. In a joint statement, union representatives declared, "We realize we've had it really, really good for so many decades and the citizens of Buffalo deserve to pay what's realistic, not what's outrageously exorbitant. Gone are the ridiculous salaries, the sweetheart health care programs, and monstrous pensions. Our new motto is Fast, Efficient, and Fun!" It's a great gesture which will do more to ease the budget crisis than giving away all the parks, water authorities, and street departments in the world. In other news, hundreds of lazy, inefficient, unproductive civil employees working pure patronage jobs decided to give up the charade, quit their jobs and do something positive with their lives. We salute you all and wish you luck, welcome to the Buffalo the rest of us live in.

NiMo Admits Scam -- The venerable Niagara Mohawk, supplier of all the juice in Erie County and beyond, came clean this week, admitting they've gouged the community since the turbines first started turning. Instead of claiming most of the power generated by Niagara Falls goes downstate or up to Canada as usual, a spokesman bluntly conceded the high rates in this area are inflated and usurious: "I mean come on, people in Arizona run their air conditioners twenty four hours a day, seven days a week and their monthly bill's half what Western New Yorkers pay. This is the Seventh Wonder of the world; you think some piss-ant Hoover Dam outproduces us? I don't think so. From now on, Niagara Mohawk rates will reflect the true price of electrical supply and that means your bill will drop about fifty percent. Don't worry, we'll still make a hefty profit, only we'll be doing it in honest, good faith from now on." Grateful citizens are urged to send flowers and warm, loving letters to NiMo executives for seeing the light.

Carol Kaplan Not A Bitch! -- We wouldn't normally be caught dead shopping in a Wegman's out in suburbia, but some things cannot be helped. What a surprise it was to see the lovely former Channel 2 anchor scouting out sanitary products and toilet paper, it was an opportunity not to be passed by. We sidled up to good ol' Carol and pointed out the sale on 24 packs of White Cloud and she smiled like the middle-aged vixen she really is. After helping load her cart up we chatted amiably about the great weather, our affinity for sensual pleasures like beer, and the wacky world of unemployment. Out in the parking lot one thing lead to another and all we can say is it was wild! Women devoid of any sexual inhibitions are few and far between, throw in a little exhibitionism and you've got the recipe for some awesome X-rated fun in the old SUV. Needless to say, we apologized profusely for ever knocking Carol in these pages and promised only glowing endorsements from now on. Look for Carol's Happy Ending Massage Parlor to open soon where her true talents can finally be fully exploited.

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