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Kino Korner by Michael Gildea


Troy ****

Troy has it all. Brilliant performances, epic battles, and thousands of sweaty men in skirts fighting. This is easily the best movie ever made. Oprah was so right! Based on Homerís (not Homer Simpson you silly goose) Illiad, Troy tells the epic story of the Trojan War. Brad Pitt gives the best performance of his life as Achilles, the Greek Armyís secret weapon. He was so good that I forgot that they were supposed to show his butt. Every guy will love Troy, but I warn you now that it will make you want to become a homosexual. So if you donít want to become a homosexual, you may want to go watch a Judy Garland or Barbara Streisand movie instead. It was also good to see Orlando Bloom in something that he didnít have to wear a silly blonde wig in despite the fact that he picked up a bow and arrows for Troy. Eric Bana also gave a genuinely great performance as Hector, Parisí (Bloom) brother who has to defend Troy against sweaty, tanned, and chiseled Greeks. As I mentioned, Troy is an epic and that means you shouldnít stop off for margaritas at T.G.I. Fridayís before the feature because theyíll back up on you honey, believe you me. And youíre not going want to miss one sexy second of this potboiler, sister!


Breakiní All the Rules†****

Breakiní All the Rules was easily the best movie Iíve seen in a thousand years. Jamie Foxx has the comedic genius of Carrot Top, Yakov Smirnov, and Paula Poundstone put together. It was a true and rare treat to watch the man work, and this movie brilliantly articulated the highs and lows of dating in a refreshing and breathtaking way. Lord knows that any movie about a case of mistaken identity is always a crowd pleaser. It just never gets old, does it? When I got home from the movie, I wrote a letter thanking each and every person who was involved in its making. I felt as if Breakiní All the Rules was made for me and me alone. I know youíre going to think Iím crazy, but I went and saw every show for the following week thereafter. I donít know if itís possible for me to do any justice to this comic gem known as Breakiní All the Rules. Youíll just have to go see it for yourself. If you want to go, Iíd love to go with you. My e-mail address is Michael@buffalobeast.com. We can do lunch afterward and talk about how much we loved it. I know it sounds a little presumptuous on my part, but I know youíre going to love it because itís a prefect movie on every level and I cannot imagine anyone not liking this movie.


Shrek 2 ****

Americaís favorite green ogre is back for more laughs! This time heís married and heís going to meet the in-laws (and you know itís going to be crazy!). All your favorites are back, and the best part is you can take the kids; if you donít have any kids, you should borrow some for the day. Some of the jokes are a little crude (Shrek passes gas at one point and I was shockedóSHOCKED I tell youóthat little kids laughed), but you canít protect them from this sort of thing forever. Aside from the potty humor, I was also slightly disappointed that Smashmouthís ďAll StarĒ song wasnít in the movie like it was in the first Shrek , but all the characters got together at the end to sing ďLiviní la Vida Loca.Ē


Van Helsing ****

And with the slaying of the first vampire in over a hundred years begins the summer movie season for 2004! Australian heartthrob Hugh Jackman gives his most brilliant performance (and I know itís a tough call when you include Kate and Leopold) as the legendary vampire hunter in Stephen Sommersí reimagining of the classic Dracula storyline. Only this time, itís personal when Frankenstein and the Wolf Man are thrown into the mix. Jackman exudes the commanding presence that Errol Flynn and Tyrone Power did so many years before. And Kate Beckinsale is no slouch as the beautiful and dangerous Anna Velorious, a fellow vampire hunter. These two light up the screen together like a latter-day Tracy and Hepburn. And with all of the constant advances in computer-generated special effects, the effects get better as the movie goes on. Van Helsing is a perfect movie on every possible level and is now my favorite movie ever. If you have no desire to see Van Helsing, you deserve to have a stake driven through your cold, cold heart.

 

 


Godsend ****

Not since I saw Akira Kurosawaís fable classic Rashomon have I been this pleased with the brilliance of filmmaking done right. A perfect movie on every level, Godsend is literally that: a godsend. Now officially my favorite movie, Godsend is the story of a couple (Greg Kinnear and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) given the opportunity to clone the DNA of their dead son who died tragically in an accident. Giving them the chance of a lifetime is the larger-than-life Robert DeNiro in his usual brilliant performance. What this man does with acting and dialogue makes you realize that he hasnít lost a bit over the years. I donít think Iím giving away too much here, but things get rather creepy and all (no pun intended) hell breaks loose. Donít see it aloneÖ

 


Envy ****

Matthau and Lemmon. Amateurs! You get Jack Black and Ben Stiller together for the first time and thatís when the sparks really fly! Iím going to be honest with you, dear reader, I was too busy laughing my fool head off and I lost a good many details of the story to relate to you. But even if that werenít the case, Iíd simply say to you go and enjoy this comic treat that is Envy for yourself. I can tell you how great it was forever and still not have justice done unto it. But what I can tell you is that Envy is now my favorite movie and itís as close to cinematic perfection as any mere human is likely to experience in this lifetimeÖ

 

 

 


Mean Girls ****

Move over Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan is the new teen screen queen. Mean Girls could be this year's best comedy, as it is filled with laughs every minute, new ideas, and a unique plot. Mean Girls is the story of new high school girl Cady (Lohan) and the troubles she has finding a new clique to roll with. After being home-schooled in Africa (like most other kids who come to your school senior year), Cady needs to decide who her real friends are. Unexpectedly, the losers invite Cady to be friends with them, which she tries out, but these girls are dorks. Two of them are artists, and another is gay, which could be detrimental to Cady giving the captain of the football team a handjob. Knowing that the dorks could ruin her whole high school future, Cady needs to find some new friends pronto. Meet "The Plastics," the hottest girls in the high school, played by actresses in their mid-to-late twenties. Director Mark Waters introduces the trio ingeniously, using the slow motion shot with their hair waving in the air and less worthy people clearing the way. Such a shot has not been captured since the days of Clueless, Jawbreaker, and Can't Hardly Wait. Things seem to be going well for Cady at this point; she's in with the most popular girls in high school and she has met a guy. Unfortunately, the guy she's talking to is Regina's (McAdams) ex-boyfriend. This puts Cady in a predicament: she can drop the guy, or do like any other girl in the group and bang him on the down-low. The intensity is overwhelming when this high school story begins to heat up. Saturday Night Live's Tina Fey wrote the screenplay for Mean Girls, which basically means automatic laughs. Fey is assisted by other SNL co-stars like Tim Meadows and Anna Gasteyer. Clearly, SNL is only getting funnier as the years go on, so by default Mean Girls is gold. By the end of Girls, we learn important lessons on being yourself and the values of true friendship and being nice to others. This is now my favorite movie.--Greg Fischman

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