I would like to start by saying that I wish my name ended with an S, so that I could have the apostrophe after it. It is a rarity, and a cool one. Theoretically, I could write something like: this is Tone Ats’ Essay.

So, I noticed that an essay on Reno 911 was written by Jamie Moses in the latest ArtVoice, and had been meaning to read it. But when I went to look for that fine publication, my lady was like, “I just threw it out. I thought it was the Beast.” After I asked why the hell she would throw the Beast out, she quickly retorted, “They’re all over our back seat; I didn’t think the one in the house would matter.” Luckily for her face, it wasn’t the Beast; it was the ArtVoice. So I dug it out of the garbage to give a read to the Reno 911 review, which is a show I find to be quite funny. When I retrieved the paper from the rubbish receptacle, it stank like French Onion dip and garlic—the former being my brother’s snack, the latter dinner. I skipped a few pages in to find that it wasn’t Reno 911, but 9/11! Oh the humanity!

So, as I read it, and learned absolutely nothing new, I was smiling. Glad that someone writing for—or heck, running or editing, whatever that guy does—such an important paper could rehash some things that haven’t been on the news for two-and-a-half years. He writes how Giulliulliuiulianni described (this paper really does smell bad right now) “People Jumping out of buildings,” and “debris and smoke,” and “it looked like an atomic mushroom cloud.” Giulianni was just showing, as Moses puts it: “…exemplary leadership under great duress.” It’s refreshing to hear things that have been told over and over, yet again. It reinforces it beautifully—you know, in case between the commercials for the documentaries, and the flags on cars and bumper stickers stating “These colors don’t run” aren’t enough of a reminder.

He continues with a scathing attack, asking some questions that I’m glad he thought of, as most haven’t yet. Such as, in reference to the 9/11 attacks: “What does Iraq have to do with this?” and “Did Iraq have any ties to al Qaeda?” or the triumph of the article—I mean essay—“Did Iraq have any weapons of mass destruction?” He aptly answers this question for us with a resounding “No.” I would like to thank Mr. Moses for his essay. I’ve learned so much today that every other cheesy liberal doesn’t know, or use. I am also glad that he referenced Michael Moore six times, as he is such a stand up fatty, and a smart man, that it proves Mr. Moses a true thinker for reading his brilliant writings. Thank you

On Puck voice

The NHL playoffs are in full swing, which is not what I was thinking as I thumbed through the stinky copy of ArtVoice I had hesitatingly dragged from my garbage. I saw the Puckvoice, and moved past it. Then, wondering what was being said about the playoffs, I went back a few pages, and was glad to find out that it wasn’t about the NHL at all. It was on roller hockey! The Nike Buffalo Wings! (Oh man, she has this real zinger in her article about the sound of skaters swishing, and the Nike swish—or did she mean swoosh?) This writer had me fooled! She started with some schlock about the lockout, and completely flipped it on me! Don’t worry, she also covered the AHL’s Rochester Amerks. This is what I love to see, a real Buffalo paper sticking to what it knows: Rochester. Awesome.

On Faust

I used to think M Faust was a virgin, until I was at the Greg Sterlace film premier - which was for a wonderful little film called Failure that I’m hoping will find all of the backing it needs to reach larger audiences (as Sterlace is such a fantastic person) – and he was holding hands with a girl! (I hate French onion dip) Yes, I spy on Faust to dig up dirt. And I am a bit petty since he was rude to me when I went to cop some free preview tickets from his ass on a Saturday afternoon. But I’ve forgiven him, since his reviews shed a much-needed light on film.

I read his review of Shrek 2 and realized he has insights into modern family life that many of us could only wish for. He must have kids, as he knows what they like, how they will react to the movie, and the themes they look for. Kids look for themes? I guess so. As Faust puts it, “Your kids will doubtless be gratified by the continuance of the theme that It’s Best To Be Yourself.” They surely will be.

Kicking and screaming, rabid children, blah, and blah. Man does he know kids! He then lets us know, as only he could, that, “The rest of the business it does (Shrek 2) is not in my hands, but yours.” Whew! And I thought he made the difference in those polls that come out on Monday telling the public who won the most money out of that hard-earned paycheck. And in generous Faust fashion, he provides us with the entire plot of the movie: if you don’t like the sound of it from his mind, why bother seeing it?

Miscellany

I’ve never really sat down and read an ArtVoice, and I was surprised to find it an enjoying, interesting read—don’t let the deceptively pretentious cover scare you off; there is something for the whole family inside! For mom: I can’t wait until the next issue, so I can see the new Buffalo homemaker they spotlight and interview in the new Faces and Spaces.

For your snobby, UB grad brother, they have The Word, just in case he ever wants to stop complaining about the world and writing only in his journal, and make an attempt at being read.

For dad they have the AV events and plenty of ads, especially for places pushing SUVs down our throats. For instance, I’ve just found out there will be a Tragically Hip cover band at the Main Bar, called Strictly Hip. I’m a father, and I’m excited! Fathers (wink, wink)—on the last page of the classifieds, you can get those numbers you need to call when mommy is being bad—you know what I mean.

For your lesbian, pseudo-activist older sister they have the Gaywatch, where everything gay in the city’s gay community is segregated onto its own page, so as not to offend the homophobic community. Little Sis? Sorry. Nothing yet. I will work for that change, because everyone should be able to enjoy the ArtVoice.

The best thing about the ArtVoice is how seriously they take themselves. That always makes for good reading. Wholesome reading, I should say. If you were once like me, and hated on it: may you perish if you let one more issue pass you by. Thank you ArtVoice; you’re the best piece of garbage I ever read.

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