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the Angry Flower -
Brother, Where ArtVoice?
A review of the may
20th issue of everyone’s favorite.
by Tone At
like to start by saying that I wish my name ended with an
S, so that I could have the apostrophe after it. It is a rarity,
and a cool one. Theoretically, I could write something like: this
is Tone Ats’ Essay.
So, I noticed that an
essay on Reno 911 was written by Jamie Moses in the latest ArtVoice,
and had been meaning to read it. But when I went to look for that
fine publication, my lady was like, “I just threw it out. I thought
it was the Beast.” After I asked why the hell she would throw the
Beast out, she quickly retorted, “They’re all over our back seat;
I didn’t think the one in the house would matter.” Luckily for her
face, it wasn’t the Beast; it was the ArtVoice. So I dug it out
of the garbage to give a read to the Reno 911 review, which is a
show I find to be quite funny. When I retrieved the paper from the
rubbish receptacle, it stank like French Onion dip and garlic—the
former being my brother’s snack, the latter dinner. I skipped a
few pages in to find that it wasn’t Reno 911, but 9/11! Oh the humanity!
as I read it, and learned absolutely nothing new, I was smiling.
Glad that someone writing for—or heck, running or editing, whatever
that guy does—such an important paper could rehash some things that
haven’t been on the news for two-and-a-half years. He writes how
Giulliulliuiulianni described (this paper really does smell bad
right now) “People Jumping out of buildings,” and “debris and smoke,”
and “it looked like an atomic mushroom cloud.” Giulianni was just
showing, as Moses puts it: “…exemplary leadership under great duress.”
It’s refreshing to hear things that have been told over and over,
yet again. It reinforces it beautifully—you know, in case between
the commercials for the documentaries, and the flags on cars and
bumper stickers stating “These colors don’t run” aren’t enough of
continues with a scathing attack, asking some questions that I’m
glad he thought of, as most haven’t yet. Such as, in reference to
the 9/11 attacks: “What does Iraq have to do with this?” and “Did
Iraq have any ties to al Qaeda?” or the triumph of the article—I
mean essay—“Did Iraq have any weapons of mass destruction?” He aptly
answers this question for us with a resounding “No.” I would like
to thank Mr. Moses for his essay. I’ve learned so much today that
every other cheesy liberal doesn’t know, or use. I am also glad
that he referenced Michael Moore six times, as he is such a stand
up fatty, and a smart man, that it proves Mr. Moses a true thinker
for reading his brilliant writings. Thank you
On Puck voice
NHL playoffs are in full swing, which is not what I was thinking
as I thumbed through the stinky copy of ArtVoice I had hesitatingly
dragged from my garbage. I saw the Puckvoice, and moved past it.
Then, wondering what was being said about the playoffs, I went back
a few pages, and was glad to find out that it wasn’t about the NHL
at all. It was on roller hockey! The Nike Buffalo Wings! (Oh man,
she has this real zinger in her article about the sound of skaters
swishing, and the Nike swish—or did she mean swoosh?) This writer
had me fooled! She started with some schlock about the lockout,
and completely flipped it on me!
Don’t worry, she also covered the AHL’s Rochester Amerks.
This is what I love to see, a real Buffalo paper sticking to what
it knows: Rochester. Awesome.
I used to think M Faust
was a virgin, until I was at the Greg Sterlace film premier - which
was for a wonderful little film called Failure
that I’m hoping will find all of the backing it needs to reach larger
audiences (as Sterlace is such a fantastic person) – and he was
holding hands with a girl! (I hate French onion dip) Yes, I spy
on Faust to dig up dirt. And I am a bit petty since he was rude
to me when I went to cop some free preview tickets from his ass
on a Saturday afternoon. But I’ve forgiven him, since his reviews
shed a much-needed light on film.
I read his review of Shrek 2 and realized he has insights into
modern family life that many of us could only wish for. He must
have kids, as he knows what they like, how they will react to the
movie, and the themes they look for. Kids look for themes? I guess
so. As Faust puts it, “Your kids will doubtless be gratified by
the continuance of the theme that It’s Best To Be Yourself.” They
surely will be.
Kicking and screaming, rabid children, blah, and blah. Man does he
know kids! He then lets us know, as only he could, that, “The rest
of the business it does (Shrek
2) is not in my hands, but yours.” Whew! And I thought he made
the difference in those polls that come out on Monday telling the
public who won the most money out of that hard-earned paycheck.
And in generous Faust fashion, he provides us with the entire plot
of the movie: if you don’t like the sound of it from his mind, why
bother seeing it?
I’ve never really sat down and
read an ArtVoice, and I was surprised to find it an enjoying, interesting
read—don’t let the deceptively pretentious cover scare you off;
there is something for the whole family inside! For mom: I can’t
wait until the next issue, so I can see the new Buffalo homemaker
they spotlight and interview in the new Faces
For your snobby, UB grad brother, they have
The Word, just in case
he ever wants to stop complaining about the world and writing only
in his journal, and make an attempt at being read.
For dad they have the
AV events and plenty of ads, especially for places pushing SUVs
down our throats. For instance, I’ve just found out there will be
a Tragically Hip cover band at the Main Bar, called Strictly Hip.
I’m a father, and I’m excited! Fathers (wink, wink)—on the last
page of the classifieds, you can get those numbers you need to call
when mommy is being bad—you know what I mean.
For your lesbian, pseudo-activist
older sister they have the Gaywatch, where everything gay in the
city’s gay community is segregated onto its own page, so as not
to offend the homophobic community. Little Sis? Sorry. Nothing yet.
I will work for that change, because everyone should be able to
enjoy the ArtVoice.
The best thing about the
ArtVoice is how seriously they take themselves. That always makes
for good reading. Wholesome reading, I should say. If you were once
like me, and hated on it: may you perish if you let one more issue
pass you by. Thank you ArtVoice; you’re the best piece of garbage
I ever read.