BEAST is Dead,
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A Gallivan's Life
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BEAST BASH A Baffling
Fried - Jason
the Angry Flower -
-- your letters
PUTZ IN A NAME
I remember having a late lunch with my former girlfriend
and her sisters. We were at some greek joint.
I vaguely remember stating something that could have been
interpreted as pride in my name or heritage.
It was then that the older “smarter” or intellectually
neurotic of the two asked me. “Why are you proud of your name? Don’t you know the Spanish were brutal to your
people? How could you be
proud of your name?” “Jose Leonardo fue sudor de negro y cacao,
cuando batia el melao para hechar al Espanol” I sang a song in response…
It is interesting, the outrageous contempt or absolute
arrogance some folks can wield like a child with a chain saw.
I think back and say to myself. “Damn, the crass ignorance…” This
deranged line of reasoning coming from a women who’s ancestors murdered
the earliest Christians. Give me a fucking break.
A name is
an Identity. Its something
one must feel good about, some
honor. It brings the question however, How are we to use our knowledge
of history? I find that often it is used not to repair
cruelty of the past but to maintain a status quo. Take the teacher who revels in photos of hangings and torture victims.
Emmitt Till. Are they telling their students. “We should never forget this boy?” Or deep
down they may be saying…“Watch out boy.
This could happen again…” Ah, But God only sees the true
hearts of men. “For every thought that sprang or not in my
mind. I might go insane
if it couldn’t a been sprung! But it’s not to stand naked under unknowing
I remember seeing them again in more serious times,not
as jovial as say a late night chicken and rice.
I kissed the one I feared like a true Machiavellian.
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As an atheist for 48 years, I'ma here to tell you
fundies do not represent the only problem with christianity. The "mainstream" cults merely wait to spring, and, given
the chance, murder and torture as well as the fundamentalists.
'Twas good congregationalists and presbyterians
who composed Cromwell's army that massacred the Irish at Drogheda.
40,000 protestant ministers joined the Ku Klux Klan in the 20's
and 30's. The Wholly Roman Child Rapist Protection Racket's
bishops again resist oversight, so that buggery remains much more
a sacrament than confession. Arnaud-Amaury,
Abbot of Citeaux, said, "Kill them all; God will know his own."
This by a good catholic fella about fellow christians.
Islam, if given 700 years to catch up, might equal
the bloodthirstiness of christianity, but, since the Q'uran proscribes
killing jews and christians unless in battle, I don't see it happening.
Living next door to every secular humanist, atheist,
agnostic, hindu, buddhist, muslim, animist, shintoist, taoist, confuncianist
or zoroastrian lives a mainline christian United Statesian who'd
like the glory and honor of killing him.
For christians, "In God We Trust," is
a joke. They never trusted god to kill everyone they
wanted to; they had to take matters into their own hands, and, historically,
they have done so marvelous well.
Brian Wood, Buffalo
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101 USES FOR
NICK BERG’S HEAD
I can't believe that BuffaloBeast totally disregarded
the story of U.S. civilian Nick Berg's decapitation and murder.
Berg's headless body was found Saturday in Baghdad. Three days later,
a videotape posted on an al-Qaida-related Web site showed him decapitated
by hooded, armed men.
heinous crime was put on the Internet for the world to see. These
terrorists have no regard of human life, and the Beast does not
seem to care about what our great country and the rest of the world
is really fighting against. In last weeks Beast the message was
clear. That we have lost the fight against terrorism and should
relent to their terror. This is far from the truth. Just as their
system and country have failed, the
communist liberal BuffaloBeast paper wants us to give up
the fight. To have us live under the threat of death and destruction.
As a ten year veteran of the U.S. Navy, I shall never give up my
fight, our fight against the evil doers of this world. Also your
last weeks edition of the Beast was very weak in content. All you
could muster was a stupid article sent to you about snot. Give your
readers some credit. They all don't have your childish Beavis and
Butthead sense of humor.
Tell your al-Qaida friends that having 72 virgins
isn't what it's cracked up to be. After the first five or ten virgins
you want a real pro. You can tell 'em to just see your Mom, or visit
the Beast and enjoy the expertise of your 'BuffaloBitch' women,
who've seen more cream than a fucking dairy. Allahu Akbar to you,
ANGRY Ten year Navy veteran 1982-1992
Certainly, Nick Berg’s demise
is a serious and unjustified crime. It is also obvious that everyone
of Arabic descent is responsible for the actions of the five or
so guys who did it. You are clearly an astute thinker, friend,
and keep yourself well-informed on a broad variety of subjects.
Which is why you need the New
York Times Sunday Edition! Yes, now you too can get the “paper
of record” delivered to your door for just a fraction of the newsstand
price! With various special sections, magazines, and of course
the Sunday crossword puzzle, the world’s best excuse to avoid
activity for a whole week, the Sunday Times is just what you need
to avoid freaking out and coming after us with a grenade launcher.
To get the Times delivered to the enrichment of you and your helper
monkey, just go to www.weletbushwin.com
and click “I submit.” And peace be upon you, brother!
NEW BEST FRIEND
I love The Beast! I'm a native B'lonian who gets
back 2 or 3 times a year to visit and one of the first things I
do is visit Colter Bay because I like beer and they have your paper.
Last weekend I was reading the 'tard' article there and laughed
so hard I drew nervous glances and spilled some beer. Thanks, and
keep up the good work.
We hope you used Bounty brand paper towels
to clean up that spill! Bounty’s special new paperweave process
makes their new towels so absorbent that they are a threat to
all water-based organisms. Remember, if you’re not using Bounty
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JUST TURN IT OFF
I have found a new sense of humor about things.
I think I first figured it out when I was watching NPR world news
on Easter Sunday. They were broadcasted a little ritual going on
in the Philippines.... and while I was watching it, I started to
laugh. And I couldn't stop. I don't know how long I lay there, in
the fetal position, laughing until my sides hurt, but it was some
after I recovered, I figured it was a fluke, but it's happened twice
more since then... I'll share my experiences of the three funniest
things I have seen this week and then maybe we can take a poll as
to whether or not I should be committed....
as shit thing one: In the Philippines, five men had their close
family and friends crusify them so they could share in the passion
of Christ... That's right, big ol' planks a wood... railroad spikes!
.... passion... Funniest shit I've ever seen. Here's what I think the logic was,
"I know, let's nail me to big plank of wood, then suspend me
so I slowly suffocate, all so I can share the pain of some dude
who claimed he was the son of God, two thousand years ago! What
do you mean that's a bad idea?" Anyway, Darwin has failed us
again, the dumb shits weren't killed, they were taken down after
a few hours of excruciating pain. I'm gonna write them a letter
asking them to come and do it on my yard next year...
as shit thing two: Fox's new program, "The Swan." A little
post script, I wanted to see this show so badly that when concerned
I had missed a part, I tripped over my coffee table to change the
channel. I had a major woody for this... and as it started, I fucking
lost it.... why? Because it started, I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUCKING
JOKING!!! They couldn't possibly be serious about running this show!
But they were. They ran it! OMG!!!!!!!
for those of you who don't know, the Swan is based on the following
premise, take bunch of girls who don't like the way they look, put
them under the plastic surgeons knife for SEVERAL intensive and
invasive surgeries, then the new insta-bimbos compete in beauty
pageant... so they haven't aired the pageant yet, but they don't
let the "ugly ducklings" look in a mirror for three months
while being "Aryanized." They actually told a Latino girl
her nose was too wide!!! All that work of Dr. Mengela was not in
vain!!!! Heil Hitler!!!! This is some funny shit!
here I am, holding my breath, just waiting for one of these pathetic
girls to get to the mirror and start clawing at her flesh, taking
off huge chunks of amalgam, screaming, "It's not me!!! IT'S
NOT ME!!!!!" C'mon break! I hissed under my breath as the plastic-flesh
thing approached the mirror... snap like the twig you are!
finally, funny as shit thing number three, I was watching the news
and yes, there he was, the greatest comedian since Pinochet, President
Bush, smiling and waving and saying, "Things are getting better
in Iraq!" Laughed my fucking ass of!!!! The latest bit of wisdom
trickling down like piss on a rope from the executive branch? Re-instating
Saddam's Sunni generals in the new Iraqi army to combat insurgencies.
Yep. Fucking genius. After several US commanders complained bitterly
that Saddam's general's tactics involved taking cover behind civilians,
and the known fact that these are the same men from the army involved
in the wholesale slaughter of civilians. These men who our soldiers
fought and outmaneuvered in the streets and deserts in the campaign
to topple Saddam are being reinstated and "things are getting
better?" Wow, I'd hate to see shit get worse.... although it'll
probably be pretty fucking funny when they do.
I don't have comedy central, but I do have the news and NPR. And
frankly, I get the funniest shit.
We’re all for free speech, Oliver,
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TARDS IS AS TARDS
Just finished reading "Everybody Loves Retards".
Can't believe you left out the #1 retard movie of all time: "Forrest
Gump"- You know, that plucky little gem of a film that proves
that retardation need not be a barrier to success,provided you are
white, male, and have no problem whatsoever with running off to
kill whoever your government is pissed off at at the moment.
You know, we were all set to go on Forrest Gump,
of course, but we spaced on it—we forgot to take ourGinkgo Boloba
that day! We’re useless without our memory enhancers. Go to www.borneveryminute.com to see what
we’re talking about. We were going to print a correction, actually,
but you’ve handled it okay, so here’s a picture: