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PUTZ IN A NAME

I remember having a late lunch with my former girlfriend and her sisters. We were at some greek joint.  I vaguely remember stating something that could have been interpreted as pride in my name or heritage. 

It was then that the older “smarter” or intellectually neurotic of the two asked me. “Why are you proud of your name?  Don’t you know the Spanish were brutal to your people?  How could you be proud of your name?” “Jose Leonardo fue sudor de negro y cacao, cuando batia el melao para hechar al Espanol” I sang a song in response…

It is interesting, the outrageous contempt or absolute arrogance some folks can wield like a child with a chain saw.  

I think back and say to myself.  “Damn, the crass ignorance…”  This deranged line of reasoning coming from a women who’s ancestors murdered the earliest Christians. Give me a fucking break.

A name  is an Identity.  Its something one must feel good about,  some honor. It brings the question however, How are we to use our knowledge of history?  I find that often it is used not to repair cruelty of the past but to maintain a status quo.  Take the teacher who revels in photos of hangings and torture victims.  Emmitt Till.  Are they telling their students.  “We should never forget this boy?” Or deep down they may be saying…“Watch out boy.  This could happen again…” Ah, But God only sees the true hearts of men.  “For every thought that sprang or not in my mind.  I might go insane if it couldn’t  a been sprung!  But it’s not to stand naked under unknowing eyes…”

I remember seeing them again in more serious times,not as jovial as say a late night chicken and rice.  I kissed the one I feared like a true Machiavellian. 

Emilio estevez

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Dear Emilio,

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GODFEARING ATHEIST

As an atheist for 48 years, I'ma here to tell you fundies do not represent the only problem with christianity.  The "mainstream" cults merely wait to spring, and, given the chance, murder and torture as well as the fundamentalists.

'Twas good congregationalists and presbyterians who composed Cromwell's army that massacred the Irish at Drogheda. 40,000 protestant ministers joined the Ku Klux Klan in the 20's and 30's.  The Wholly Roman Child Rapist Protection Racket's bishops again resist oversight, so that buggery remains much more a sacrament than confession.  Arnaud-Amaury, Abbot of Citeaux, said, "Kill them all; God will know his own."  This by a good catholic fella about fellow christians.

Islam, if given 700 years to catch up, might equal the bloodthirstiness of christianity, but, since the Q'uran proscribes killing jews and christians unless in battle, I don't see it happening.

Living next door to every secular humanist, atheist, agnostic, hindu, buddhist, muslim, animist, shintoist, taoist, confuncianist or zoroastrian lives a mainline christian United Statesian who'd like the glory and honor of killing him.

For christians, "In God We Trust," is a joke.  They never trusted god to kill everyone they wanted to; they had to take matters into their own hands, and, historically, they have done so marvelous well.

Sincerely,

Brian Wood, Buffalo

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Dear Brian,

You can ease your feelings of anxiety with a prescription for Zoloft, America’s leading three-in-one discomfort eraser. In fact, asking your doctor about Zoloft today greatly improves your chances of going to heaven. Why not surf on over to www.featurelessdrone.com and watch a cute flash animation today?


101 USES FOR NICK BERG’S HEAD

I can't believe that BuffaloBeast totally disregarded the story of U.S. civilian Nick Berg's decapitation and murder. Berg's headless body was found Saturday in Baghdad. Three days later, a videotape posted on an al-Qaida-related Web site showed him decapitated by hooded, armed men.

 This heinous crime was put on the Internet for the world to see. These terrorists have no regard of human life, and the Beast does not seem to care about what our great country and the rest of the world is really fighting against. In last weeks Beast the message was clear. That we have lost the fight against terrorism and should relent to their terror. This is far from the truth. Just as their system and country have failed, the  communist liberal BuffaloBeast paper wants us to give up the fight. To have  us live under the threat of death and destruction. As a ten year veteran of the U.S. Navy, I shall never give up my fight, our fight against the evil doers of this world. Also your last weeks edition of the Beast was very weak in content. All you could muster was a stupid article sent to you about snot. Give your readers some credit. They all don't have your childish Beavis and Butthead sense of humor.

Tell your al-Qaida friends that having 72 virgins isn't what it's cracked up to be. After the first five or ten virgins you want a real pro. You can tell 'em to just see your Mom, or visit the Beast and enjoy the expertise of your 'BuffaloBitch' women, who've seen more cream than a fucking dairy. Allahu Akbar to you,

ANGRY Ten year Navy veteran 1982-1992 disabled

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Dear Adam,

Certainly, Nick Berg’s demise is a serious and unjustified crime. It is also obvious that everyone of Arabic descent is responsible for the actions of the five or so guys who did it. You are clearly an astute thinker, friend, and keep yourself well-informed on a broad variety of subjects.

Which is why you need the New York Times Sunday Edition! Yes, now you too can get the “paper of record” delivered to your door for just a fraction of the newsstand price! With various special sections, magazines, and of course the Sunday crossword puzzle, the world’s best excuse to avoid activity for a whole week, the Sunday Times is just what you need to avoid freaking out and coming after us with a grenade launcher. To get the Times delivered to the enrichment of you and your helper monkey, just go to www.weletbushwin.com and click “I submit.” And peace be upon you, brother!


NEW BEST FRIEND

I love The Beast! I'm a native B'lonian who gets back 2 or 3 times a year to visit and one of the first things I do is visit Colter Bay because I like beer and they have your paper. Last weekend I was reading the 'tard' article there and laughed so hard I drew nervous glances and spilled some beer. Thanks, and keep up the good work.

Michael Kingston

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Dear Michael,

We hope you used Bounty brand paper towels to clean up that spill! Bounty’s special new paperweave process makes their new towels so absorbent that they are a threat to all water-based organisms. Remember, if you’re not using Bounty brand paper towels, you’re actually damaging the fabric of society.


JUST TURN IT OFF

I have found a new sense of humor about things. I think I first figured it out when I was watching NPR world news on Easter Sunday. They were broadcasted a little ritual going on in the Philippines.... and while I was watching it, I started to laugh. And I couldn't stop. I don't know how long I lay there, in the fetal position, laughing until my sides hurt, but it was some time.

           Anyway, after I recovered, I figured it was a fluke, but it's happened twice more since then... I'll share my experiences of the three funniest things I have seen this week and then maybe we can take a poll as to whether or not I should be committed....

            Funny as shit thing one: In the Philippines, five men had their close family and friends crusify them so they could share in the passion of Christ... That's right, big ol' planks a wood... railroad spikes! .... passion...  Funniest shit I've ever seen. Here's what I think the logic was, "I know, let's nail me to big plank of wood, then suspend me so I slowly suffocate, all so I can share the pain of some dude who claimed he was the son of God, two thousand years ago! What do you mean that's a bad idea?" Anyway, Darwin has failed us again, the dumb shits weren't killed, they were taken down after a few hours of excruciating pain. I'm gonna write them a letter asking them to come and do it on my yard next year...

             Funny as shit thing two: Fox's new program, "The Swan." A little post script, I wanted to see this show so badly that when concerned I had missed a part, I tripped over my coffee table to change the channel. I had a major woody for this... and as it started, I fucking lost it.... why? Because it started, I THOUGHT THEY WERE FUCKING JOKING!!! They couldn't possibly be serious about running this show! But they were. They ran it! OMG!!!!!!!

             Anyway, for those of you who don't know, the Swan is based on the following premise, take bunch of girls who don't like the way they look, put them under the plastic surgeons knife for SEVERAL intensive and invasive surgeries, then the new insta-bimbos compete in beauty pageant... so they haven't aired the pageant yet, but they don't let the "ugly ducklings" look in a mirror for three months while being "Aryanized." They actually told a Latino girl her nose was too wide!!! All that work of Dr. Mengela was not in vain!!!! Heil Hitler!!!! This is some funny shit!

            So here I am, holding my breath, just waiting for one of these pathetic girls to get to the mirror and start clawing at her flesh, taking off huge chunks of amalgam, screaming, "It's not me!!! IT'S NOT ME!!!!!" C'mon break! I hissed under my breath as the plastic-flesh thing approached the mirror... snap like the twig you are!

            And finally, funny as shit thing number three, I was watching the news and yes, there he was, the greatest comedian since Pinochet, President Bush, smiling and waving and saying, "Things are getting better in Iraq!" Laughed my fucking ass of!!!! The latest bit of wisdom trickling down like piss on a rope from the executive branch? Re-instating Saddam's Sunni generals in the new Iraqi army to combat insurgencies. Yep. Fucking genius. After several US commanders complained bitterly that Saddam's general's tactics involved taking cover behind civilians, and the known fact that these are the same men from the army involved in the wholesale slaughter of civilians. These men who our soldiers fought and outmaneuvered in the streets and deserts in the campaign to topple Saddam are being reinstated and "things are getting better?" Wow, I'd hate to see shit get worse.... although it'll probably be pretty fucking funny when they do.

            So I don't have comedy central, but I do have the news and NPR. And frankly, I get the funniest shit.

--Oliver Gross

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Dear Oliver,

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TARDS IS AS TARDS DOES

Just finished reading "Everybody Loves Retards". Can't believe you left out the #1 retard movie of all time: "Forrest Gump"- You know, that plucky little gem of a film that proves that retardation need not be a barrier to success,provided you are white, male, and have no problem whatsoever with running off to kill whoever your government is pissed off at at the moment.

Graaagggggh!

C

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Dear C,

You know, we were all set to go on Forrest Gump, of course, but we spaced on it—we forgot to take ourGinkgo Boloba that day! We’re useless without our memory enhancers. Go to www.borneveryminute.com to see what we’re talking about. We were going to print a correction, actually, but you’ve handled it okay, so here’s a picture:

 




 

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