The BEAST's Top 10 Reasons
to Vote Republican
by Matt Taibbi

1. ARTVOICE and bleating, ineffectual pseudo-intellectuals like its Michael Niman are on the other side. Think about it; would you want Michael Niman sitting down with the Joint Chiefs once a week? What the hell would he say? "Hey, fellas! Did you watch This Old House last night?" Republicans aren't interested in complaining, and they aren't interested in being right. They're interested in ruling. It's like David Lee Roth once said: there comes a time when you have to choose between being a hot dog and a little weenie. You know who the little weenies are. Be a Hot Dog.

2. When you think about it, black people really are pretty annoying. They don't finish high school, they loiter, and they make boatloads of noise without contributing a whole hell of a lot. Economically and politically, it is possible to restore a world where Method Man and 50 Cent shine your shoes and call you "suh." Just as the world is less fun without war, the world is less fun without entrenched lower classes whose very existence elevates your sense of self-worth. You've never lived in a world with coolies and wogs. Give it a try. You just might like it.

3. You get to turn on Fox News and know that Bill O'Reilly is kicking ass for you. Compare that to checking out ZNet once a month to search out that "really great interview" Noam Chomsky gave to Brazilian College Radio last year. At any hour of the day, you can turn on national television broadcasts and see your white brothers whipping ass in all directions. As a Republican, you'll find that your champions have the stones to stand up for you in public every single day; they're more concerned about winning than they are about seeming smart in front of their graduate assistants. Think about it: whose side would you rather be on?

4. You don't have to read Madame Bovary once a year to impress your girlfriend. Shit, you don't have to read at all, except the Bible occasionally. You can watch Sportscenter thirty hours a day and not feel like you're ruining yourself. In America, Republicans consume, liberals digest. They get all the pains of conscience and intellect. You get all that great taste going down. Let them do the work.

5. You'll have money. Right now you have none because your organism revolts against the process of buying and selling, and you can never compete in the business world against people for whom these things come naturally. As a Republican, nature rewards you for being in harmony with its realities. Someone has to build that supermarket, someone has to keep those gas tanks filled. Instead of fighting these great processes, you're part of them. And you'll never go wanting. You'll have new cars, big lawns, new clothes, DirecTV.

6. You get chicks after the age of thirty. Liberals and intellectuals get them in their twenties, when women still find their complexity and artistic sensibility charming and erotic. Once those same people hit thirty, they become pathetic, irresponsible losers, and women start looking for a man with annuities, a well-maintained car and a rocket in his corporate pocket. Fifty year-old Republican businessmen get bunches of twenty year-old hookers scheming to marry them. You see that happening with Art History professors much?

7. You will always have a friend in Jesus. Right now, what friend do you have? The scriptwriters for The Daily Show? Not much of a match for Jesus. Jesus is fricking everywhere.

8. You won't have any more problems finding drugs, because you won't do them and won't want to. Unless you work on Wall Street, in which case they'll always be around and no one will ever hassle you about them.

9. You won't have to search for quirky clothes on lower Broadway or weird boutiques in Toronto. You can walk into any mall anywhere in the country and find exactly the right clothes for you.

10. Republicans are right. The purpose of life is to get as rich as possible and make sure that everyone else sucks eggs and has to beg for the privilege of mowing your lawn. Fuzzy liberal dreams of Utopian societies are borne of guilt feelings and deep-seated urges toward self-hatred; your parents didn't love you enough, so you grew up suspicious of your own interests. The Republican world is a beautiful jungle where you get to eat as much as you can kill. Get in touch with your inner animal. The world ceases to exist after you die. Everything is permitted. Don't sit there like some Mike Niman and play with yourself on the sidlelines. Take off earth's panties and have her over and over again. That's what she's there for.