THE
BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2002
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At
times like these, when our government is telling us
(and the rest of the world) to get on board for a
war halfway around the world, it can be instructive
to take a moment to consider who the real enemies
are right here at home. No doubt you have your own
pet people to despise from among the nation's political,
cultural, and media establishment, but without further
ado, here's our list: THE BEAST 50 MOST LOATHSOME
PEOPLE IN AMERICA.
50.
BOB WOODWARD
Misdeeds:
Unseated one president and then spent the rest of
his career sucking up to politicians through expense-accounted
lunches. Wrote a 10-part series profiling Bush's White
House after 9/11 that read like a "Penthouse
Forum" letter. Clearly fantasizes about giving
advice to second-tier senators.
Aggravating
Factor: Robert Redford went on to be a pompous Hollywood
institution, too.
Aesthetic:
Typewriter-bearing decommissioned drag queen.
49.
LYNNE CHENEY
Misdeeds:
Most wives of elite politicians take up charitable
causes. Dick Cheney's wife teamed up with Joe Lieberman
to form a group called the American Council of Trustees
and Alumni, which drew up a blacklist of academics
whose patriotism was judged to have "fallen short"
in the wake of 9/11. Among the targets: the president
of Wesleyan University, who said that "disparities
and injustices" in American society can provoke
violence, and a University of Oregon professor emeritus
who said that "we need to understand the reasons
behind the terrifying hatred directed against the
U.S. and find ways to act that will not foment more
hatred for generations to come."
Aggravating
Factor: Wrote a novel called Sisters that contained
lesbian themes in 1981; currently freaks out every
time her openly gay daughter is mentioned by journalists.
Aesthetic:
Bea Arthur's nasty mother on The Golden Girls.
48.
TONY BLAIR
Misdeeds:
Not an American, but might as well be: being America's
bitch counts. It used to be that politicians sold
out their constituents to larger domestic interests;
now, with power and money largely spread across borders
and centered in transnational companies, politicians
have the option of selling out entire countries. Blair's
recent pronouncements about the Iraqi threat were
so obviously scripted in Washington, it was embarrassing.
Aggravating
Factor: Recently attempted to outlaw one of England's
last distinguishing silly customs-fox hunting. Can
goofy hats and bisexual thespianism be far behind?
Aesthetic:
Slavish young p.r. exec who flatters the CEO before
disappearing to read foot fetishism magazines in the
bathroom down the hall.
47.
JAY LENO
Misdeeds:
Pathologically driven entertainer whose success came
as a result of his work ethic: in his youth he did
more than 300 shows a year in Boston comedy clubs.
Like most comedians, his drive obviously derives from
a rapacious inner self-hatred, but unlike most comedians,
he expresses this not in self-deprecation or actual
humor, but in a frantic, painful public quest to retain
his job through a galactic volume of horrible jokes
and shameless flattery. A few years ago it was Bill
Clinton dick jokes, this year it's bin-Laden-cave
jokes; whatever sells, just keep pumping them out.
Aggravating
Factor: Told 18,802 political jokes in his first ten
years on the Tonight Show, not a single one of them
funny enough to keep Dick Cheney off his show.
Aesthetic:
High school hard-luck case who made it big and is
rubbing it in.
46.
TREY ANASTASIO
Misdeeds:
The pied piper of Vermont, Anastasio and his Phish
bandmates have brainwashed white kids into believing
that not showering, eating mushrooms, and listening
to a jam band play cover songs is the path to enlightenment.
When he stopped touring with Phish, their fans had
no choice but to follow fifth and sixth-rate jam bands,
giving rise to the beyond-awful Widespread Panic,
String Cheese Incident, or any other whimsically named
group of slapdicks that think adding bongo drums and
a mandolin makes for good music. Anastasio's one redeeming
factor is that at least one kid has probably died
by choking on a glow stick at one of his concerts.
Aggravating
Factor: Doesn't even encourage kids to do drugs. Kept
Relics magazine going after Jerry Garcia's death.
Aesthetic:
High school A/V club moderator meets art teacher.
45.
DAVID BROOKS
Misdeeds:
The author of a lengthy self-love letter entitled
Bobos in Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They
Got There, Brooks has arrived as the official autobiographer
of the new elite. His vision of the new upper class-"Bobos"
stands for "Bourgeois Bohemians"-is that
of the end result of a grand historical effort at
meritocracy, i.e., everyone who is rich deserves to
be rich, not because of any Social-Darwinist superiority,
but mainly because they have... good taste. In an
amusing twist on Fukuyama's End of History, he claimed
that the Bobos' taste in furniture represented the
apex of the human effort at interior design, one that
would never need to be improved upon.
Aggravating
Factor: On Bobo mating: "[On] the Times weddings
page, you can almost feel the force of the mingling
SAT scores. It's Dartmouth marries Berkeley, MBA weds
PhD... and summa cum laude embraces summa cum laude
(you rarely see a summa settling for a magna-the tension
in such a marriage would be too great)."
Aesthetic:
Turbocharged IKEA customer.
44.
CHARLOTTE BEERS
Misdeeds:
Was last year named Undersecretary of State and placed
in charge of government propaganda. A former Madison
Avenue ad executive who made her name marketing Uncle
Ben's rice, Beers referred to the United States as
an "elegant brand" and the President and
Secretary of State as "symbols of the brand."
Boasted that her target of a 30 percent conversion
rate among Muslims was "a sales curve that any
corporation would envy. "
Aggravating
Factor: Is a close friend of Martha Stewart.
Aesthetic:
Empowered, sexually active menopausal.
43.
TOM BROKAW
Misdeeds:
There's just something about this guy that makes you
want to reach for a sharp object every time you turn
on the news... Maybe it's his heavily marketed image
of smug self-righteousness, or maybe it's the fact
that The Greatest Generation, his vapid catch-phrase
stretched to book length, was a monstrous best-seller.
Hunter Thompson once said that Nixon's idea of a good
joke was a paraplegic who couldn't reach high enough
to vote Democratic, but Brokaw is a person that it's
hard to imagine has any idea at all of a good joke.
Aggravating
Factor: He commented on NBC Nightly News that while
the Office of Homeland Security might have sounded
like a name from a "totalitarian regime,"
the 9/11 attacks "proved that something in America
has to change."
Aesthetic:
The quirky fourth in a golfing party of Dupont executives.
42.
MICHAEL MOORE
Misdeeds:
Every would-be oppositionist in the country has lined
up to blow Moore every since he put out the amazing
film Roger and Me, anointing him as a leading political
figure and a brilliant creative mind even though he's
been an unfunny, egomaniacal blowhard for over ten
years now. Moore wears his dissident credentials not
on his sleeve, but on his head and his waistline:
his mesh baseball cap and fat body are now the leading
brand-ID marker for political discontent among the
narrow, incestuous "enlightened left" demographic.
Gertrude Stein said that "A mouth is a mouth
is a mouth"; Moore shows that a media darling
is a media darling is a media darling.
Aggravating
Factor: The O'Reilly Factor is a hundred times more
entertaining than TV Nation ever was.
Aesthetic:
Upper-class poor hygiene and grooming habits disguised
as working-class sloth.
41.
LOU DOBBS
Misdeeds:
Whenever you're in the mood to have someone stare
you in the face and say, "People like me are
overeating and laughing at your failure because our
high-paying advertisers manipulated the market,"
you can always turn on Moneyline. The pioneer of the
snorting, this-is-where-the-action-really-is Wall
Street TV program appears to be gaining four pounds
a year, a remarkable number given that he was nicknamed
"The Fat Pig" in CNN's New York studios
15 years ago.
Aggravating
Factor: Repeatedly soft-pedaled his coverage of Arthur
Andersen's role in Enron; the firm had sponsored his
"Business Unusual" show between 1997 and
1999 and paid him for speaking gigs.
Aesthetic:
Mostly sexless gray-hair-and-suspenders look, tinged
with a faint trace of submerged sadism.
40.
CRIS CARTER
Misdeeds:
Is a former cocaine addict who found God and became
even more insufferable afterward; said, upon leaving
the Vikings, that it wasn't about the money but that
he wanted to win a championship, then subsequently
blew off the Rams to visit the Browns; set the cause
of the black man back a hundred years by appearing
as a slouching yes-man next to Dan Marino and Cris
Collinsworth on HBO's Inside the NFL.
Aggravating
Factor: Wouldn't play this year for a mere million
dollars.
Aesthetic:
Expensive but failed attempt at elder-statesman look.
39.
JOE LIEBERMAN
Misdeeds:
Is short; is vengefully unprincipled; seems like the
kind of person who out of all of the people solemnly
hanging their heads at a funeral would be most likely
to be thinking about calling his pollster. Wishes
he weren't Jewish, so that he could be John McCain.
The poster boy of the Democratic Party drowning in
its own vacuity, frantically discharging political
ballast in order to reach the surface.
Aggravating
Factor: Makes Al Gore seem human.
Aesthetic:
A high-school principal who gives taller kids twice
the usual amount of detention.
38.
TOM CLANCY
Misdeeds:
America's Tolstoy. Writes vast epics in which all
the characters are either enemies or law enforcement
operatives trying to reach the ear of the president.
Describes an SS-20 the way Flaubert would have described
Emma Bovary's dress. In a staggering indictment of
our intellectual climate, he is beginning to be taken
seriously as a literary figure.
Aggravating
Factor: Jack Ryan films make it harder to appreciate
Harrison Ford's early movies.
Aesthetic:
West Point career counselor.
37.
JOHN RITTER
Misdeeds:
Chevy Chase was funny when he was falling down, but
with this guy you feel upset that he's acting and
not really falling on his face. Another great example
of how things have gotten worse since the 80's: while
Three's Company was tolerable in an amusing, lowest-common-denominator
kind of way, 8 Simple Rules... has no denominator
at all. Like most of our entertainment, it's just
there, like mold. Its basic message is the continued
employment of John Ritter, which in this celebrity-obsessed,
E! Entertainment era is actually a marginal kind of
genuine drama for many viewers-and that should scare
the living shit out of all of us.
Aggravating
Factor: Janeane Garofalo says that "He took the
worst show on television (Three's Company) and made
it good."
Aesthetic:
John Ritter-like. The whole point of being who he
is is that he has his own aesthetic.
36.
DAVID HOROWITZ
Misdeeds:
Made off with one of the great intellectual quidae
pro quo in American history, exchanging his radical
roots-Horowitz was a founder of the excellent Ramparts
magazine of the sixties and an intimate friend of
Black Panther Huey Newton-for a new role as a denouncing
ex-radical conservative. Predictably, it paid off
in a series of hugely lucrative book contracts and
regular gigs as a campus speaker (including a recent
spot at UB). It's safe to say that he would rather
switch... than fight. The National Review pays a hell
of a lot more than Ramparts.
Aggravating
Factor: Recently argued that anyone who advocates
radical change, including organizations like the Center
for Constitutional Rights and the Lawyers' Guild,
is guilty of criminal treason even if they do not
commit criminal acts.
Aesthetic:
Conservative who wears a sixties beard and unkempt
thinning hair, probably for marketing purposes.
35.
THE UNBORN CHILD OF J-LO AND BEN AFFLECK
Misdeeds:
Failing to abort self in earliest stages of development.
Exhibits remarkably limited facial expression (the
two presented so far are barely distinguishable from
each other) and virtual no emotional range outside
of fatuity.
Aggravating
Factor: Already a tabloid darling.
Aesthetic:
J-Lo meets Stephen Dorff.
34.
PAT ROBERTSON
Misdeeds:
Won't rest until we're all on our knees, praying to
Jesus and dreaming of jobs at Wal-Mart.
Aggravating
Factor: Back in 1992, said this about apartheid in
South Africa: "I think 'one man, one vote,' just
unrestricted democracy, would not be wise. There needs
to be some kind of protection for the minority which
the white people represent now, a minority, and they
need and have a right to demand a protection of their
rights."
Aesthetic:
Inquisitor-perfect hygiene.
33.
MICHAEL BAY
Misdeeds:
Unfortunately, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor
contained all of the elements that Bay and his producer
Jerry Bruckheimer, and 14-year-old boys love: America's
armed forces, explosions, jingoism, and a ragtag group
who defy all odds and ultimately save the day. He
also contributed Bad Boys, The Rock, and Armaggedon
to the national oeuvre. A constant guest at the Playboy
Mansion, he's always featured in the party pictures
section with a sly grin, open bathrobe, and a blonde
bimbo who almost certainly has one of the following:
fake tits, a shaved snapper, a kitten, or the lack
of a male role model in her adolescence which led
her to believe that men will only like her if she
has fake tits, a shaved snapper, and a kitten.
Aggravating
Factor: Made $25,000,000 for directing Pearl Harbor.
That's approximately $25,000 for each man whose memory
he dishonored with that abortion of a movie.
Aesthetic:
The love child of Craig Kilborn and a Golden Retriever.
32.
THOMAS FRIEDMAN
Misdeeds:
Mustachioed New York Times columnist who is celebrated
in polite society for his "thoughtful" and
"brave" political positions, for instance
the decision to run a column entitled "Give War
a Chance." Believes the entire world should be
forced, militarily if necessary, to accept the American
model of prosperity, which he calls "The Golden
Straitjacket."
Aggravating
Factor: Author of perhaps the worst and most mentally
displeasing metaphors in the history of the English
language, terms like "BisCzarism" and "The
Electronic Herd."
Aesthetic:
Bit actor on 70's cop show; Buick salesman.
31.
MICHAEL EISNER
Misdeeds:
Disney owns half the planet, makes shitty movies,
and drapes the teen landscape with no-talent sexual
narcissists like Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake,
and Christina Aguilera. As CEO, takes home hundreds
of millions of dollars every year while paying Bangladeshi
textile workers 15 cents per t-shirt and Vietnamese
toy-making laborers 8 cents an hour, four times less
than the state subsistence level of 32 cents an hour.
Aggravating
Factor: Makes you feel guilty about putting money
in his pocket by watching Monday Night Football.
Aesthetic:
All forehead and tie; archeologists will one day study
those jaws.
30.
SHERYL CROW
Misdeeds:
Wrote the modern-day "Don't Worry Be Happy"
with her hit, "Soak Up The Sun," which is
about "Not having what you want, but wanting
what you've got." The song is about having a
crummy job that doesn't pay enough, and the very instant
it was recorded, Crow sold the commercial rights to
the song to American Express.
Aggravating
Factor: Refused to allow VH-1 to use footage of her
in her pre nose-job days as a backup singer for Michael
Jackson.
Aesthetic:
Self magazine cover girl.
29.
BILL O'REILLY
Misdeeds:
At least Rush Limbaugh was funny every now and then.
This new monster deals in untrammeled viciousness
and invective, and his "Talking Points"
help the Great Beast out there to reduce the entire
world to six-word bulletins. He does a lot of waving
and snorting at his guests whenever they disagree
with him. To watch him is to be inspired to thrilling
hatred, which may explain his ratings success, beyond
the fact that 90% of the public buys him as real journalism.
Aggravating
Factor: Claimed on the air that his former show, "Inside
Edition," won a Peabody award when it didn't;
assailed Tom Arnold for allowing highly entertaining
former criminal Michael Irvin on "The Best Damn
Sports Show, Period."
Aesthetic:
Brothel customer who won't pay a dollar over the list
price, occasionally gets rough and takes a long time.
28.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Misdeeds:
Onslaught of films that are full of "wonder"
and "splendor" and small innocent boys with
bowl haircuts in confusing/terrifying situations.
Thirty-year creative progression was from mechanical
fish to mechanical lizards. You will want to kill
many innocent people after seeing Always.
Aggravating
Factor: Made you root for Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's
List. Has a palace in the Hamptons the size of Belize.
Aesthetic:
Wears baseball cap to remind people he was a director
once, only he doesn't wear them on the set anymore.
27.
GREGG WILLIAMS
Misdeeds:
Who calls a 7-step drop-back pass play on second down
when your team is on the opposing team's 20-yard-line
in OT? Who does that?
Aggravating
Factor: So constantly in terror of losing his job
that he probably has not noticed how ugly the Bills'
new road uniforms are.
Aesthetic:
A dentist who you never warm up to in years of treatment.
26.
DENNIS MILLER
Misdeeds:
It's that look he gives you when he laughs at the
camera after a punch line, as if to say, "Man,
can you believe I pulled that reference off?"
Forget the fact that the dark shadow he cast over
professional football has yet to be lifted; forget
even that ABC had an "Annotated Dennis Miller"
page on its MNF site to help football viewers grasp
the odd reference to Titus Andronicus in the third
quarter of the Ravens game; all you need to know about
Dennis Miller is that he made smart-alecky-ness into
an industry even less interesting and threatening
than machine-tool building. Is also perhaps the most
irritating corporate pitchman in history.
Aggravating
Factor: Spoiled the satisfyingly ridiculous Wesley
Snipes vehicle Murder at 1600 with his "Get a
load of me playing a cop!" performance in a supporting
role.
Aesthetic:
Big Chill-style yuppie who smokes the occasional joint
and livens up the Greenwich Village dinner party with
a surprising vagina joke.
25.
GEORGE PATAKI
Misdeeds:
Only shows up in WNY to announce eminent sodomizing
of Erie and Niagara County denizens by way of deals
swung with leaders of a separate nation who will occupy
various landmarks without the consent of citizens,
garner staggering profits from the meager estates
of the humblest patriots from the occupied region,
take a little cut for himself, then sell that shit
to the zombies in the more easterly sectors of the
state as economic growth hoping to beg their votes
predicated on ignorance. Probably would have thrown
Buffalo (and pretty much any other aging outstate
work horse) out of the barn in the wake of 9/11 if
it weren't for the suburban vote outweighing the voice
of urban frustration and the New York State Constitution.
Aggravating
Factor: Will serve another term due to his ridiculous
posturing and the influence exerted on the Democratic
Party's consciousness by the mischievous Clinton twins.
Aesthetic:
A clean-shaven Michael "Meathead" Stivic
with a gag comb-over wig.
24.
FAITH HILL
Misdeeds:
Achieved immense fame with undetectable relevance.
You know who her husband is, what health problems
her infant child has suffered and how fucked up her
relationship with Tim McGraw is, yet, you have no
idea what she does for a living or any skill or any
interests she possesses. If you do know she is a country
singer, you can't hum any of her songs or claim with
any certainty that you've seen her in the same room
with Christina Aguilera.
Aggravating
Factor: Coupled with the fame of her husband they
have relegated the memory of her relief-pitcher great
father-in-law Tug McGraw to that of a parent of Country
Music's answer to George Michael.
Aesthetic:
"The other woman" in any B-movie crossed
with Barbie of the Mattel family.
23.
OPRAH WINFREY
Misdeeds:
Eyes, like those of a fish, are too far apart; is
a gigantic self-directed industry and the "World's
Girlfriend." A little-discussed offense is Winfrey's
role in pushing horrible literature on America; one
appearance on her show is enough to launch vile schlock
like Joan Wester Anderson's The Power of Miracles
to the top of the bestseller list. A leading citizen
in a world where rich people are neither black nor
white.
Aggravating
Factor: The University of Texas now offers a course
called "Oprah: Race/Business in America."
Aesthetic:
Proud self-improver; a triumphant "After"
picture.
22.
WILLIAM REHNQUIST
Misdeeds:
Most people target Scalia and Thomas as the chief
knee-jerk lunatics on the Supreme Court, but Rehnquist-who
as a Republican pollster in the sixties was known
to try to scare away blacks at polling places-is the
only one of the three who actually has a real grasp
of the law, which makes him much more dangerous. Wrote
a violent dissenting opinion when the Court banned
executions of the mentally ill.
Aggravating
Factor: In the Bush v. Gore case, wrote, ""The
individual citizen has no federal constitutional right
to vote for electors for the President of the United
States."
Aesthetic:
The extreme evolution of the southern cop who breaks
your taillight.
21.
TONY ROBBINS
Misdeeds:
Gave birth to a generation of self-obsessed psycho-isolationists
who avoid the news and reality in general as a matter
of principle and concentrate on the "positives"-usually
sales-related jobs and anything else that makes them
"happy."
Aggravating
Factor: There are a lot of people just like him out
there now.
Aesthetic:
Robust, tall, perfect teeth, everything you're not.
20.
TIGER WOODS
Misdeeds:
He has refused to align himself with any specific
race because of his complex ethnic make-up and this
confuses his detractors and leaves pot-bellied, country
club, Johnnie Walker swillers perplexed when trying
to apply an appropriate and effective racial joke
or epithet to him. He also refuses to align himself
with his native country in international competition
if any of his corporate sponsors is simultaneously
hosting a high-stakes tournament. He will however
pose as any one of a handful of ethnicities in his
gluttonous TV commercial orgy. He just looks like
his breath stinks.
Aggravating
Factors: You'll hear golf pundits, whatever the fuck
that is, talk about Woods achieving his dominance
in a period when there are so many great golfers.
Horseshit. You would have never seen Nicklaus or Palmer
quake and crumble in fear during the final round of
tournament after tournament, like Mickelson and Duval
do, when hearing Woods thunder down the fairways behind
them. His greatness, like that of the late Michael
Jordan's, is sullied by the sheer absence of any significant
talent out there to challenge them in their time.
Aesthetic:
With his hat off, he looks like Zippy The Pinhead
born to the union of Alfred E. Neumann and Hop Sing
from Bonanza.
19.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Misdeeds:
Every time you think there might be a Roy Jones, Jr.
fight on HBO, there's Carrie Bradshaw and her gaggle
of nervous, self-hating bourgeois Manhattan sluts
fretting about their latest three-month relationship
that may or may not turn into marriage. America took
all the fun out of sex years ago by talking about
it publicly so much; now we have shows that talk about
talking about sex. It's a wonder any man in Manhattan
can ever get an erection.
Aggravating
Factor: Seemed to think her performance as "The
Broad" in State and Main was ironic.
Aesthetic:
A woman's idea of what a sexy woman looks like.
18.
BOB KERREY
Misdeeds:
Commanded the Navy-Seal massacre of 21 people, mostly
women and children, at the village of Thanh Phong
during the Vietnam War, won a Bronze Star for his
efforts, and then was made an even bigger hero after
the news came out for bringing home the "pain
and sorrow" of Vietnam war veterans. This past
year, he "confronted" his personal media
tragedy by putting out a shallow, apparently hastily-written
biography entitled When I Was a Young Man that glosses
over the yucky stuff and generally presents the killing
part as a typically painful coming-of-age story.
Aggravating
Factor: Clearly still wants to run for President and
will probably get his chance one day.
Aesthetic:
X-Files facial structure, burning eyes, dull suits.
17.
KEN BURNS
Misdeeds:
Telling that horrendous misrepresentation of the War
Between the States from a dizzying Yankee slant. It
has been called a war of attrition, but the Civil
War (the actual war, not to be confused with Burn's
more lengthy documentary of the same name) would have
been over much sooner had the Yankee and Rebel soldiers
faced each other over a grave trench and instead of
mailing their letters home-the letters read throughout
Burn's fantasy-read them to each other until they
all fell victim to apoplectic seizures triggered by
vicious infections of excruciating boredom.
Aggravating
Factor: He has continued to film his versions of historical
drivel in the same torturous style. He made an entire
nation of Volvo-driving Ikea addicts-with their disposable
income earmarked for donation to a TV network that
shows mostly sewing programs and shows trying to teach
project kids the alphabet-believe they now know something
about baseball and jazz. That's dangerous shit.
Aesthetic:
Mister Rogers's soothing voice and Dudley Moore's
harmlessness with a haircut and beard taken from Dobie
Gillis.
16.
ARI FLEISCHER
Misdeeds:
Wherever he ends up placed on this list will not be
high enough. This motherfucker carries G.W. Bush's
demon seed in his anal womb, gestates a fresh offspring
a couple times a day and produces a few Rosemary's
steamers at press conferences with all the non-chalance
of a Spot Coffee latte jerk. Fleischer is the very
bold assertion, by the powers that be, that Americans
and their media representatives are too whip-shy to
just say, "Wait a fucking minute. You're telling
a goddamned lie, Fleischie." He is a brazen challenge
from the tri-laterals and Bildenbergs, etc., that
they know that we, as the TV umbilical-cable-dependent,
won't do anything to jeopardize our little no-compulsory-military-service,
double-mocha-under-a-self-contained, climate-controlled
indoor-suburban-shopping-theme-park-with-a-Botox-safety-net
dream.
Aggravating
Factor: He is less life-like than every other who
has stood in his rank. Within weeks, there promises
to be empirical evidence that Fleischer was produced
by the same laboratory that gave us Nixon tron John
Dean.
Aesthetic:
C3PO melded with Carson Daly operating off a modified
Charles Grodin chip.
15.
JIM ROME
Misdeeds:
Like Woods (see #20), he is also raceless but he co-opts
a hackneyed litany of passe hip-hop culture tag lines.
He makes Sportscenter seem daring and cutting edge.
He abuses the first amendment from both radio and
TV on a daily basis. He has about as much insight
into the athlete's psyche as does Joyce Brothers or
Elton John. Rome is pathetically enamored with his
emperorship over his cretinous listener-subjects.
He abuses his mastery over the caller-participants
of his show like some half-wit from King of the Hill
who was made manager of a third-rate drive-thru. The
only references he seems to have from the world of
normal people are exhibited in his frequent mentions
of his "college days," which appears to
be the last time Rome spent any time around a human
being that he wasn't interviewing. He has reset the
standard for the kiss-ass, doormat interviewer when
questioning difficult and press-shy stars.
Aggravating
Factor: Recently re-signed radio deal. He can't seem
to reconcile with the fact that many towns and large
markets don't want him on the air and he will not
shut up about it. He's like some relentless, piss-soaked
street bum that gets belligerent when you tell him
you can't give him any money today. He's whiny and
colossally judgmental on the scale of Rush Limbaugh.
Aesthetic:
G.I. Joe with default goatee if he were drawn by the
guy that does the Gil Thorpe comic strip.
14.
EVE ENSLER
Misdeeds:
Writer of the of the grossly overrated Vagina Monologues,
which, according to Ensler herself, "explores
the humor, pain, wisdom, and mystery hidden in vaginas."
Her play has become a phenomenon despite the fact
that it is a Meredith Baxter-Lifetime movie but with
lots of synomyns for cooter. Has convinced literally
millions of women that they derive their identity
not from their thoughts, taste, actions, or beliefs,
but from their hairy, smelly vaginas. Likes to think
that she's being provocative by using the word vagina
a lot and making lots of puns to advertise her play.
e.g., "spread the word", "think inside
the box." Here's a clever pun for your campaign,
Eve: "This play's dialogue is tighter than a
12-year-old Thai prostitute."
Aggravating
Factor: Started V-Day, a campaign which seeks to end
violence against women worldwide in five years by
enlisting the likes of Brooke Shields to wear t-shirts
with a red V on them. Wholeheartedly believes that
asking Claire Danes questions like, "What would
your vagina say if it could speak?" is the path
to end thousands of years of violence. (Claire's answer:
"Hooray for this!")
Aesthetic:
Women's Studies professor at a Pennsylvania liberal
arts college.
13.
SEAN HANNITY
Misdeeds:
Without question one of the most smarmy, vile, hypocritical
talking heads on television. Has the uncanny ability
to vilify and generalize those who disagree with him,
and then state that he's not a partisan person. Exploits
his devout Catholicism and patriotism to the point
that it makes you think he's selling something-like
his book, whose cover features his giant head in front
of one of the glossiest, waviest American flags ever.
Much of his wrath can probably be traced to his displeasure
that Reagan still can't remember his name although
he's met him many times.
Aggravating
Factor: Since 9/11, pretends to be genuinely convinced
that anyone who disagrees with the Bush administration
does not want America to be safe.
Aesthetic:
Repressed kid from Long Island who got to college,
was scared of sex, discovered other repressed white
kids in conservative student group, joined them, devoted
rest of life to blasting people who didn't.
12.
EMINEM
Misdeeds:
Expecting people to care about his shitty childhood
because he is white. Dissing his mama. Lifting weights
after he got famous. Is the official voice of white
teenage suburban boys. Has already worn out his shock
value to the extent that his next album will have
to include slurs against parapalegics and land-mine
victims just to raise eyebrows.
Aggravating
Factor: For someone who sells millions of records
partly due to making fun of other people, has no sense
of humor about himself.
Aesthetic:
Trailer-trash cracker with just a hint of Down's Syndrome.
11.
LEE GREENWOOD
Misdeeds:
Penned the not-so-subtle propaganda ballad, "God
Bless the U.S.A." This guy should actually embarrass
most Southerners. Seems to be under the impression
that he has a career of some sort.
Aggravating
Factor: Entire career rests on whether or not the
United States is at war with somebody.
Aesthetic:
The straight, leather jacket-wearing twin brother
of Christopher Lowell.
10.
ASHLEIGH BANFIELD
Misdeeds:
Uses glasses to upgrade her image from WASP-y soccer
mom to WASP-y soccer mom who reads. Thought dying
her hair black would make her a real journalist. Cried
on camera while reporting from Ground Zero.
Aggravating
Factor: Has quite possibly the whitest name you can
imagine. Her name is the equivalent of a black person
named La' Shawna Jackson-Watkins.
Aesthetic:
Co-chair of the Elk Woods Country Club charity golf
tournament.
9.
KARL ROVE
Misdeeds:
Many will wonder why George Bush isn't on this list.
Well, he is-in the person of White House strategist
Karl Rove. Known in Washington as "Bush's Brain,"
Rove was a legend for many years among bar-frequenting
Texas journalists, who noted that the insane drunken
ramblings that came out of Rove's mouth on Sunday
night often escaped Bush's lips on Monday afternoon.
The inventor of such transparent lunacies as "compassionate
conservatism" and the hidden hand behind much
of the post-9/11 imagery surrounding the presidency,
Rove is even better and more ruthless at his job than
mean-spirited cancer victim Lee Atwater, and his presence
virtually guarantees continued Bush rule through 2008.
Aggravating
Factor: In 1970, he used a false identity to gain
entry to the campaign offices of Illinois Democrat
Alan Dixon, who was running for state treasurer. Once
inside, Rove swiped some letterhead stationery and
sent out 1,000 bogus invitations to the opening of
the candidate's headquarters promising "free
beer, free food, girls, and a good time for nothing."
Aesthetic:
Boss Hogg with a CPA.
8.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Misdeeds:
After a stint as a slightly annoying, but amusingly
tolerable cokehead, Robin Williams decided he wanted
to be a serious actor. His first incarnation was that
of an iconoclastic goofball who upsets the stuffy
establishment with his hijinks, while making people
laugh and ending the movie with a tearful, impassioned
plea to live life to its fullest. After that, Williams
took it upon himself to remind everyone how great
the human condition is because no matter how many
times life gets you down, you can still laugh, and
that's what matters. He is now in his I'm-a-serious-actor-because-I-can-be-scary
phase of his career.
Aggravating
Factor: Even though everyone already kisses his ass,
he still feels the need to win people over on TV appearances
with those madcap improvisational impressions that
he's been doing for years. His latest standup comedy
tour and HBO special was akin to a 22-year-old hanging
out at a high school parking lot, trying to prove
he's still cool.
Aesthetic:
Your short, hairy, annoying uncle
7.
CARDINAL ROGER MAHONY
Misdeeds:
Represents everything that is corrupt and wrong in
the Catholic Church. As archbishop of Los Angeles,
Mahony personally lobbied for and oversaw the construction
of the $189.5-million-dollar Cathedral of Our Lady
of Angels, despite protests against a "fat cat
cathedral" and evidence that the site chosen
was a sacred Indian burial ground. The cathedral also
boasts two conference centers, separated by a cafe
and gift shop, with catering,, projection screens,
and high-speed DSL access. Apparently, the LA archdiocese
is unfamiliar with the Bible passage where Jesus throws
the money changers out of the temple, or the part
about a rich man getting into heaven being like a
camel going through the eye of a needle, or the part
that says you should not molest children, or just
about any part except that one passage where Jesus
takes a break from washing a leper's feet to relax
in the elegant atmosphere of an air-conditioned conference
center.
Aggravating
Factor: Exactly 16 days after the dedication of the
cathedral, Cardinal Mahony announced that the Archdiocese
of Los Angeles, the nation's largest, would have to
lay off 60 workers and cut eight programs due to a
$4.3 million dollar deficit. The cardinal explained
that the deficit was actually not related to the cost
of the cathedral, but was in fact due to losses from
investments in the stock market.
Aesthetic:
Close your eyes and picture someone that acts like
a CEO and protects people who molest children. Can
you picture him yet? Now put a little red hat on him
and a bunch of fancy robes. There you go!
6.
2002 USA BASKETBALL TEAM
Misdeeds:
Too egregious even to mention; all should have their
passports revoked and be deported to Myanmar.
Aggravating
Factor: Ben Wallace repeatedly abused under the basket
by Argentinean forwards.
Aesthetic:
Hip-hop in retreat.
5.
MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN
Misdeeds:
Their entire life up to this point. The Olsen twins
starred as the precocious Michelle on the abysmal
Full House, a television show so vile that any sensible
person would rather watch an abortion gone horribly
wrong than sit through five minutes of it. As of this
date the twins have sold 29 million books, 1.5 million
albums, and 30 million videos. They also have their
own line of video games, a magazine, CD-ROMs, and
a fashion and lifestlye line available at Walmart
which teach young girls that it's OK to be walking
through piles of shit as long as you have a cute skirt
and flirty earrings.
Aggravating
Factor: Their company expects to rake in roughly 1
billion dollars in sales in the next year, which hopefully
a crooked manager will steal from them because these
sluts are already worth $38 million each.
Aesthetic:
One half Britney Spears, one half Andres Serrano's
Piss Christ
4.
BONO
Misdeeds:
This walking sunglass ad earnestly believes he was
born in precisely the right era to seize the moment
and sell all the Bono he can get rid of to a wandering
Diaspora of displaced lefties who are so certain their
world encompassing only the simple conflicts of apartheid
and rogue whaling would get them into their 50s. For
all his worry and empathy directed toward the tribulations
of the afflicted, he sure has a lot of time left over
for schlock pop songineering and post-hipster cinematic
abortions.
Aggravating
Factor: He becomes visibly more inane and pandering
by the video-byte and yet shows no sign of fading
from our view.
Aesthetic:
Stockard Channing circa-Grease meets Bob Geldof circa-Sun
City with a computer-projected 23-year aging factor.
3.
YOU
Misdeeds:
Your life is an empty void from birth to death, and
you think that just because you reproduced, you invented
the wheel. Emptiness on a grand scale is the crime
of celebrities; the rest of us are lost in a sea of
misdemeanors... each other.
Aggravating
Factor: We're one of you.
Aesthetic:
None.
2.
TOM GRUDNOWSKI
Misdeeds:
CEO of Fair Isaac, the nation's largest credit scoring
agency, and the one primarily responsible for the
system that allows auto amd health insurance companies
to charge vastly higher rates to people who have faulty
credit histories. It's bad enough that you can't get
credit if you have some problems in your past; now
your late Visa payments might make it harder for you
to drive or see a doctor.
Aggravating
Factor: Anonymous nature of credit industry makes
it virtually impossible to find any personal information
about one of the most powerful people in the country.
Aesthetic:
A faceless ghost who hovers like a cloud over most
people every day, infecting them with worries.
1.
ANN COULTER
Misdeeds:
Goebbels with tits. The phenomenon we all should have
seen coming; the merger of bimbo sex appeal and neo-fascist
vituperation. In an age when every Hollywood hero
is a CIA administrator and people express their rebelliousness
by playing the stock market, it only makes sense that
we'd have a sex symbol who lobbies to massacre foreigners
and forcibly convert the survivors to Christianity.
Charlene Tilton seems a distant memory.
Aggravating
Factors: Explaining political sympathies: "I
love Texas Republicans! They're these beautiful women,
they're so great-looking, they're completely loaded.
They're dripping in this gorgeous jewelry." Believes
John Walker Lindh should be executed, so college liberals
will understand that "they can be killed, too."
Aesthetic:
Eva Braun meets Sex and the City meets Alpha Rho Lambda.
