The Beast 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2004

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50. Ann Coulter

Crimes: Coulter plummets down the list as she slips into irrelevance. As her columns degenerate further into absurd, incoherent attacks against her own personal paranoid fantasy of fanged, drooling, Saddam-loving liberals who hate America and childish France-bashing, we find our outrage slowly giving way to a baffled “I can’t believe I used to go out with you” feeling. Her arguments are ridiculous, her vitriol forced, her hatchet face even harder to look at. Still, she insulted a one-armed war veteran, called reports of the hundreds of tons of missing munitions in Iraq false, claimed Wesley Clark was pro-infanticide, and blamed Abu Ghraib on the presence of women in the armed forces—they’re not all like you, Ann—and on and on. It’s just not worth debunking someone who has no credibility in the first place.

Smoking Gun: Has credibility in the minds of more people than we can stomach acknowledging.

Punishment: Skull crushed with rock.

49. Clay Aiken

Crimes: Rode to stardom on a racist backlash after his failure to win “American Idol.” Brings false hope to pre-teens that they will meet a nice clean boy who won’t take advantage of them. Befouls airwaves with his vile dreck, which makes us long for the days of Shaun Cassidy.

Smoking Gun: Was one of two people on this list to do a duet with the rolling corpse of Bing Crosby for a Christmas special. Put himself in the role of David Bowie.

Punishment: Hydrochloric acid martini.

48. Scott McClellan

Crimes: Completely hollow. Able to regurgitate any message programmed into him without regard to its validity or internal logic. A human void, capable of sapping the virtue away from the most idealistic reporter within three jokey, familiar, stonewalling press conferences.

Smoking Gun: Hasn’t killed himself.

Punishment: Locked in a room for eternity with a camera that sprays spitting cobra venom in his eyes every time he speaks.

47. 50 Cent

Crimes: Sole credential for being a rapper, aside from his affiliation with Dr. Dre, is having been shot several times. Spent his first record company advance on crack to sell. Can barely talk, let alone rap. Represents the worst aspect of urban culture, its tendency to collapse in on itself in an orgy of mobsterism and self-destructive spending. Obnoxious tendency to pull out large wads of cash and wave them around in people’s faces (not a figure of speech).

Smoking Gun: Ugliest rapper to make it since Biggie.

Punishment: Getting his ass kicked by Will Smith.

46. Colin Quinn

Crimes: Least funny SNL alum since Joe Piscopo (at least Tim Meadows can speak English). Blamed cancellation of his awful show on reverse racism, ignoring his pathetic ratings, stumbling speech and the fact that his entire C-list entourage couldn’t beat Pamela Anderson at Trivial Pursuit.

Smoking Gun: Pontificated at length on the nature of comedy in Seinfeld’s yawn-fest Comedian.

Punishment: Stash of white supremacist literature and nun-porn discovered in high profile cocaine bust.

45. John McCain:

Crimes: Survived years of torture in Vietnam only to become a bend over buddy for a sheltered rich dunce. McCain could have bolstered his largely unearned air of credibility this year had he stood against Bush, but instead chose to show us all that that no principle is too fundamental to humanity to be overlooked in the name of party loyalty. We can only hope that they’ve got something on him, something big.

Smoking Gun: Returned to criticizing Bush as soon as it didn’t matter anymore.

Punishment: Vice President under Rumsfeld.

44. Ellen Degeneres

Crimes: Turns out to be the most boring comedian, gay or straight, since…ever. Her Seinfeld on Quaaludes routine isn’t just tedious; it’s harrowing—watching her belabor a gag that wasn’t funny in the first place about opening a jar of pickles for minutes is enough to make anybody groan. Her cookie cutter talk show succeeds for the simple reason that, beyond the gay thing, viewers know that Ellen will always be nice and won’t let any negative information invade their fragile minds. If Degeneres were a straight man, she’d be getting booed off the stage at a tiny club in Scranton right about now.

Smoking Gun: Tolerated Anne Heche.

Punishment: Ten years as writer for “Mad TV."

43. Tony Blankley

Crimes: Editorial page editor for the Washington Times, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s religiofascist newsletter and the Bush Administration’s favorite morning read. Thinks the UN Oil for Food scandal warrants more attention than a White House full of war criminals. Had the gall to attack George Soros because “[h]e said that he has no moral responsibility for the consequences of his financial actions,” when that is clearly a moral loophole embraced by all free market zealots such as Blankley, and went on to attack him for being “a self-admitted atheist” and “a Jew who figured out a way to survive the Holocaust.” Refers to Donald Rumsfeld as “brilliant.” His paper has lost a billion dollars and sells one paper for every seven Washington Posts, but is in no jeopardy because of lavish funding as the psy-ops arm of Moon’s Unification Church.

Smoking Gun: Ended his final column of the year like this: “Americans are standing upright, their strong arms uplifted against the barbarians.” A shameless, taint-licking propagandist.

Punishment: Very slowly lowered into meat grinder.

42. Jenna Jameson

Crimes: The first best-selling author who could be sodomized with a well-thrown baseball since Truman Capote. Her newfound mainstream legitimacy as an icon of America’s freakish love for porn is directly related to her former incarnation as the best blowjob of the ‘90s.

Smoking Gun: Now only does scenes with boring phony-lesbos…and her husband. Real hot.

Punishment: The inevitable attention-vacuum which will envelop her the second any part of her body begins to sag perceptibly.

41. Everyone who got together to watch the final episode of “Friends”

Crimes: Allowing a trivial sitcom about living in New York, made for people who’ve never been anywhere near New York, to become a focal point in their shallow, meaningless lives. Watching TV together is not a bonding experience; it is a distancing experience, a way in which people can cohabit a room without actually having to engage each other or connect personally. Whoever’s ultimately responsible for the “watch ‘Friends’ or the terrorists win” meme should have a special room reserved for him in the bad section of hell.

Smoking Gun: You probably liked the whole Niles and Daphne thing on “Frazier,” too.

Punishment: A full year of plodding BBC Documentaries.

40. Laura Bush

Crimes: Oh the first lady, what an inspiration she must be to android researchers everywhere. Smile, nod, smile, (look interested) nod, put on $50,000 dress, suck off the president and there you have a typical day for the first lady. Corporate yes-wives like her will hasten the coming of mandated burkas for American women. Actually looks related to George, which might explain their mongoloid children.

Smoking Gun:  She married George Bush.

Punishment:  Chugging a gallon of stem cells on Fear Factor.

39. Tom Cruise

Crimes: Inexplicable stardom. In a just world, Brendan Fraser would get an Oscar before this carbon copy of every other rich asshole cokehead with a fast car. Consistently influential in casting women in his movie for the sole purpose of nailing them. Extremely convincing when he plays an ambitious, superficial prick.

Smoking Gun: Always plays an ambitious, superficial prick.

Punishment: Caught in the act with Vin Diesel.

38. Toby Keith

Crimes: The worst kind of proud-to-be-brainwashed dolt, one who feels he should express himself. The fact that this ambulatory hamburger’s opinions were ever given public forum is an indictment of our entire civilization and all human history leading up to this point.

Smoking Gun: Plays country music.

Punishment: Impaled on improperly installed American flag attached to tractor-trailer, dragged for 12 hours, eaten by wolves.

37. Halle Berry

Crimes: Chooses projects on the basis of how opportunistic they are in exploiting her body. Followed her sweaty fuckfest in Die Another Day with the worthless atrocity Catwoman. Her tearful 2002 Oscar acceptance speech for Monster’s Ball (which also included a fevered humping scene) put her in competition with Barbara Streisand for the title of most self-important woman in Hollywood.

Smoking Gun: Every role she takes will be hailed as another milestone in civil rights history by virtue of her barely discernible smattering of African DNA, when in reality her success only underscores our nation’s incapacity to accept a truly black actress.

Punishment: Reduced to skin care infomercial endorsement.

36. Stephen Moore

Crimes: President of voodoo economics PAC the Club for Growth and frequent Republican whipping boy on HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher,” Moore actually snivels visibly. Follows every evil statement with a pussified “just kidding—sort of” laugh and shriveling “please don’t hurt me” body language. May be the least original thinker of all supply side policy drones.

Smoking Gun: Missing out on the heart and soul of what’s fun about being Republican, freedom from self-consciousness and doubt.

Punishment: Smacked to death by Richard Belzer.

35. Matt Sharp

Crimes: Creator of VH1’s celebration of undeserved wealth and morbid excess, “The Fabulous Life,” the bastard ghetto child of “Lifestyles of the Rich And Famous,” complete with Robin Leach-impersonating voiceovers. His morally bankrupt show serves as a who’s-who of prime targets for public execution, entertaining bloated, brand-conscious meatbags with the details of how sinfully rich celebrities squander their undeserved fortunes. Sharp knows his audience; you can tell by the hilarious elementary mathematical breakdowns he offers his viewers at the end of the show when he reveals how much money his subject is actually worth (“Britney could buy 50,000 rare Gorilla-foot handbags and still have enough left over to occupy Syria!”). The celebratory, awed tone with which his show informs us that Lil’ Kim has crushed $100 bills put into her nail polish, or that you could feed your family for a year on what J-Lo spends to get her eyebrows done, makes us wish we could burn such criminals with our minds.

Smoking Gun: Your girlfriend loves this show.

Punishment: Pureed and made into face cream for Lindsay Lohan.

34. Clarence Thomas

Crimes: On the wrong side of every Supreme Court decision since he got the job carrying Scalia’s golf clubs.

Smoking Gun: Angry black man routine during Anita Hill hearings was the most forced overacting this side of Keanu Reeves’ tantrum in Johnny Mnemonic.

Punishment: Led out of the Court in chains after inadvertently casting the deciding vote to reinstitute slavery.

32. Lynndie England

Crimes: The ultimate “ugly American,” England represents everything people hate about us—ignorance, perversion, racism, and denial. The most authentic trailer trash to enter the public spotlight since Anna Nicole, complete with illegitimate baby by an abusive ex-boyfriend and experience in the meat processing industry. Described by her no doubt horrific mother as having been “in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Smoking Gun: The pictures, duh.

Punishment: Gang-raped and devoured alive by all of the hysterical Republican pundits who defended her.

31. Al From

Crimes: Founder and CEO of the detestable Democratic Leadership Council, the lead organization for the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” wing of the Democratic Party. From’s appeasement strategies have lead directly to tragic losses in the last three elections. Responsible for the inability of serious people to fully respect the Democratic Party.

Smoking Gun: Said Dean couldn’t win; backed Joe Lieberman.

Punishment: President Nader.

30. Jim Lehrer

Crimes: The nauseating host of the “liberal” PBS program “The News Hour” never hesitates to show his fealty to our business and government overlords. When independent journalist Christian Parenti appeared on “News Hour” upon his return from Iraq, he had the temerity to link the instability in Iraq to America’s failure to implement even half-hearted reconstruction. “There still isn't adequate electricity…there wasn't adequate water. Where is all the money that’s going to Halliburton and Bechtel to rebuild this country, where is it ending up? And I think that is one of the most important, fundamental causes of instability, the corruption around the contracting with these Bush-connected firms in Iraq…” Two days later, the spineless Leher apologized to his viewers for Parenti’s informed, reasonable opinion, telling us the “…discussion about Iraq ended up not being as balanced as is our standard practice. While unintentional, it was indeed our mistake and we regret it.” Balanced. There’s that word again. Leher has never apologized for any of the lunatic horseshit coming out of administration apologists on a daily basis.

Smoking Gun: His services as the sycophantic moderator of presidential debates in 2000 and 2004 wherein he may as well have been blowing kisses at the candidates, serve to legitimize the weak, non-combative debate format the two parties cooked up.

Punishment: Embedded with the 3rd Marine Battalion in Fallujah, where liberal-hating grunts will use him as sniper bait.

29. Michael Savage

Crimes: Will say anything to get attention, and then say the opposite for the same reason. Thinks revealing his inner xenophobe makes him some kind of rock star. Learned everything he knows about world politics from Archie Bunker. Said this: “When you hear ‘human rights,’ think gays. When you hear ‘human rights,’ think only one thing: someone who wants to rape your son. And you'll get it just right. OK, you got it, right? When you hear ‘human rights,’ think only someone who wants to molest your son, and send you to jail if you defend him.”

Smoking Gun: Real name is Michael Weiner.

Punishment: Ass-raped to death.

28. Ben Affleck

Crimes: His uncanny ability to produce an unending stream of shitty movies and still get work rivals that of even Kevin Costner. Has coasted for years on a reputation built largely on a former association with Matt Damon, but has done nothing to justify his star status aside from boning Jennifer Lopez. Gigli was the cinematic equivalent of the Madrid bombings.

Smoking Gun: CGI scenes in Daredevil were more lifelike than his oafish live action.

Punishment: Reunited with J-Lo.

27. Bob Novak

Crimes: Beats even Scott McClellan as Bush’s most unholy mouthpiece. Virulently protecting the Bush administration in order to further his own career. Novak didn’t think twice when instructed to reveal the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame in order to get back at her critical husband, Joe Wilson, yet he now claims it would be morally wrong to reveal the treasonous White House leaker. Indirectly caused the incarceration of Judith Miller of the New York Times, who should be in jail on totally separate charges involving her poorly researched WMD hysterics leading up to the war in Iraq.

Smoking Gun: Still insists the Swift Boat Veterans ads and their libelicious spin-off book, Unfit for Command, was “well-documented” and didn’t contain any lies.

Punishment: Heart harvested in preparation for Dick Cheney’s presidential bid.

26. Terry McAuliffe

Crimes: Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Said, "This is the best election night in history" on November 2, 2004, just before 8pm EST. Not only presided over the pathetic Kerry defeat, but held the same position in the 2000 fiasco. A driving force in the Republicanization of Democrats, he personally saw to it that the charismatic Dean campaign was crushed to make way for Kerrybot. Doesn’t understand that winning is not necessarily about copying what winners do, but more often not doing what losers do.

Punishment: Hillary Clinton as a cellmate for life.

Smoking Gun: Said the party will spend "whatever it takes" to study complaints from Ohio voters that included uncounted votes, long lines, shortages of ballots, understaffed polling stations and voting machine errors. Still studying, apparently.

25. Dr. Phil

Crimes: Not a doctor. Not wise. Offers troubled souls nothing but the sweet feeling of surrendering control. Only reason for prominence is that Oprah just couldn’t support her show by herself anymore. Offers troubled simpletons meaningless slogans that resonate for a maximum of five days before they realize they already knew that shit and they still can’t stop whatever compulsive behavior got them onto his show in the first place. Is almost certainly regularly involved in some unspeakable depravity that he can’t stop and which caused him to fabricate his public persona in a frantic attempt to convince us he’s normal.

Smoking Gun: Both presidential candidates were forced to submit to his pedantic bullshit in some bizarre new soft focus emasculation ritual to get slack-jawed housewives to vote for them.

Punishment: A lifetime of guest spots on Springer.

24. Ronald Reagan

Crimes: The greatest monster in recent American history. Reagan’s excruciating sanctification during his agonizingly protracted funeral was enough to make anyone with knowledge of his true legacy blow up a radio tower. Newspaper columnists performed astonishing feats of selective memory in canonizing Reagan, disregarding any inconvenient evidence of supporting terrorism, ripping off taxpayers for outrageous defense programs, or introducing crack cocaine to America, because we need our heroes.

Smoking Gun: Responsible for telemarketing and infomercials.

Punishment: Reanimated and killed again.

23. Jerry Bruckheimer

Crimes: “Producer” really just means “guy with the money” in Hollywood. Master of the incoherent action sequence, full of unnecessary cuts and jittery close-ups. His rapidly multiplying CBS cop show empire is replete with ridiculously beautiful cops and scientists (and murderers and victims and witnesses) and impossibly stylish interiors. The “CSI” franchise perfectly fulfills the viewing needs of a fat, lazy nation: no running, no car chases, just sitting around, talking, and playing with gadgets. The real crimes, however, are the movies, including Kangaroo Jack, Coyote Ugly, Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2, Days of Thunder, Gone in 60 Seconds, and the so-stupid-it’s-funny Armageddon. Imagine what else could have been done with that money.

Smoking Gun: Who brings a fucking Gatling gun to an asteroid?

Punishment: Made into shoes for Martin Scorsese.

22. Michael Jackson

Crimes: Surgically transforming himself into a ghastly artificial creature, and then forcing himself on little boys. His ability to remain at large and to find parents still willing to let their kids sleep over at Jackson’s elaborate child trap both indicate a failure of our species as a whole.

Smoking Gun:  “Jesus juice?”

Punishment: Forced to record and release new single as part of plea agreement, “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down on Me.”

21. Alan Colmes

Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.

Smoking Gun: His cringe-inducing new book reads like a crappy internet parody ("I'm proud to be a liberal. In my spare time I hug trees. I'd rather hug a tree than embrace a tax cut… Ever try to hug a tax rebate check? Bark burn is so much more pleasant than paper cuts.")

Punishment: Suffocated under a naked, sweaty Rush Limbaugh.

20. Anna Nicole Smith

Crimes: Continues to find ways to damage the fabric of society with her very presence. In 2004 she rapidly transformed from a washed up, sedated blimp to a washed up, sedated hooker, thanks to some pill-marketing scam brought to us by a paralyzed FDA and a hard drug addiction. Has grown more incoherent with every lost pound, to the point that she is like some tawdry copy of a pre-death Marylyn Monroe without any Arthur Miller to suppress her. Lost her money, but still worships at the altar of attention—any kind of attention, at any cost.

Smoking Gun: Volleyball-sized breast implants just aren’t attractive.

Punishment: Electrocuted at climax by Bill Clinton’s pacemaker.

19. Zell Miller

Crimes: Part Yosemite Sam and Part Foghorn Leghorn. Miller doesn’t make the list for his salivating, traitorous keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, or even the duel thing with Chris Matthews. He makes the list because he really does represent Southern Democrats. Miller was chief of staff for diehard racist Georgia Governor Lester Maddox, who used to own a restaurant where he’d hand out pick handles to his customers to beat any black people that might try to come in. The Democratic party really isn’t the party he once knew—thank God.

Smoking Gun: Won’t switch parties, just to be a pain in the ass.

Punishment: Death by torrential barrage of spitballs while watching his granddaughter make out with Big Pun.

18. Mel Gibson

Crimes: As with any religious nut, expects people to take his delusional bullshit seriously. Is obsessed with pain and suffering, as can be observed in the numerous Hulk Hogan style “now I’m really mad” scenes in nearly all of his movies, in which he endures medically impossible levels of bodily punishment before rising to vanquish his cartoonish foes. This is such a routine motif in Gibson’s work that we half expected Jesus to jump off the cross and start kicking Jewish ass in The Passion of the Christ. More historically revisionist than Oliver Stone.

Smoking Gun: Shot about 11 times in the climax of Lethal Weapon II, yet still saunters off with his partner as the credits roll, apparently not in need of medical attention.

Punishment: Neurodegenerative illness that could have been cured through stem cell research.

17. Armstrong Williams

Crimes: Williams was going to make the list anyway, but shoots up several positions since he admitted to accepting $240,000 from the Department of Education to promote the No Child Left Behind Act. His sole defense so far is that he used “bad judgment,” as if that was some kind of excuse, rather than the heart and soul of every crime. Says he is just the tip of the iceberg.

Smoking Gun: Claimed to a prospective job applicant that 70% of gay couples molest their children.

Punishment: Full Birth Abortion.

16. Nicole Richie

Crimes: Wasting space in our minds. Not being pretty, talented or interesting, yet expecting people beyond her family to pay attention to her. Further indoctrinating teenage girls with the poisonous idea that if they just act like obnoxious, spoiled bitches they will somehow never have to work.

Smoking Gun: Made 27 on Maxim’s Hot 100 for standing next to national disgrace Paris Hilton for a year.

Punishment: 10-page pictorial in Stuff sans airbrushing, and no Oxycontin for a whole week.

15. Condoleezza Rice

Crimes: The phrase “politics is show business for ugly people” has never had so fine a foil. Smirks condescendingly at senior Senators when they ask her silly questions about gross negligence in the area of national security. Winner of the Beast award for most likely to make Grover Norquist’s dick hard. Promoted for feverishly licking Cheney’s boot for four years.

Smoking Gun: Gets to sleep in the big house now.

Punishment: thrown into the arctic from the Exxon oil tanker that used to bear her name.

14. Tom Delay

Crimes: The worst Congressman alive. Being the most corrupt member of the House is a hell of an achievement. Delay is so brazen even lobbyists have expressed reservations. Compares the pathetic, castrated EPA to the Gestapo. A self-obsessed misanthrope in the guise of a Christian.

Smoking Gun: According to Danny Yatom, former head of Israel’s feared Mossad: "The Likud is nothing compared to this guy."

Punishment: Outed by Barney Frank.

13. Joan Rivers

Crimes: The most ghastly face science has managed to create without the use of chemical weapons. As a pioneer in facial reconstruction, she shows us that, in the future, every famous woman will gradually turn into a cross between a sickly geisha and the Joker. The red carpet fashion-cop shtick she does with her broken, spiritless daughter is such an obvious inferiority complex manifestation we almost feel sorry for them, until we remember they’re making millions of dollars for it.

Smoking Gun: The sheer, ugly self-hatred of a woman with that face, that voice, and that personality nitpicking Nicole Kidman.

Punishment: Face falls off into wet cement at Mann’s Chinese Theatre.

12. Paul Wolfowitz

Crimes: The mastermind behind our war plan in Iraq, also known as “Operation Fucking Disaster.” Wanted to skip Afghanistan altogether and get right on with the intractable quagmire phase of his anti-terror plan. So far up Israel’s ass he can taste the kugel.

Smoking Gun: That disgusting thing he did with his comb in Fahrenheit 9/11.

Punishment: A successful populist democracy in Iraq.

11. Dan Rather

Crimes: Along with Cronkite’s so-bonkers-it-might-be-true comment that Karl Rove must be behind Osama bin Laden’s timely October video release, has given the rabid right enough fuel to maintain their bogus “liberal media” charge for years.

Smoking Gun: Made Peter Jennings the most credible anchor in the business.

Punishment: Life sentence as the liberal whipping boy on “Hardball with Chris Matthews.”

10. John Negroponte

Crimes: US Pro Consul (a title that was given to de facto rulers of dependencies or occupied countries in colonial times) of Iraq. Garnered his reputation as professional thug with his assignment as ambassador to Honduras by Ronald Reagan in 1981. Collaborated with the Honduran military while lying to Congress as they kidnapped, tortured and killed hundreds of people, including US missionaries. Was responsible for implementing the Reagan administration covert strategy   to crush the Sandinista government in Nicaragua, resulting in it becoming 2nd to Haiti as poorest country in the western hemisphere but with the special distinction of having the largest disparity between rich and poor. Appears to be carrying out the same plan in Iraq, as recent disclosures about the Pentagon's plans to utilize death squads to achieve our kind of democracy indicate. 

Smoking Gun: As Iraqi occupation grew bleaker from the start of 2004 a new tactic was employed, assassinating intellectuals opposed to the occupation. A senior commander working for the American-installed Iraqi police said "They are politicians that are backed by the Americans and who arrived to Iraq from exile with a list of their enemies. I've seen these lists. They are killing people one by one." Sounds like a job for Negroponte; he went from appointment to confirmation in a blistering eight days.

Punishment: Being skinned alive would be a nice start.

9. Jessica Simpson

Crimes: The gleaming flagship of the triumphant return of bimboism. The aesthetic equivalent of vitamin D milk. Makes Britney Spears look like a Rhodes scholar. Managed to crap out a hit single by removing every remotely innovative element from Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away.”

Smoking Gun: Probably likes her own music.

Punishment: Strapped to bunker-buster.

8. John Ashcroft

Crimes: Promoting sexual shame, writing and singing alarmingly jingoistic and terrible songs, flattening constitutional protections, detaining brown people at will without charges or counsel, pretending to be a patriot, and intentionally ignoring terrorism in his pre-9/11 tenure.

Smoking Gun: Put a fucking curtain up to cover a naked breast on a statue. A statue.

Punishment: Only heterosexual judge on the supreme court in 2035.

7. Donald Trump

Crimes: Hopelessly addicted to narcissism. Shares Saddam Hussein’s compulsion to have gaudy structures named after himself. Is to dignified wealth what Michael Jackson is to competent childcare.

Smoking Gun: The hair alone justifies violence.

Punishment: Forced to expose his tiny penis before crowds of laughing celebrities on “Who Wants to See Donald Trump’s Penis?”

6. George W. Bush

Crimes: Too numerous to mention. The worst piece of shit ever to run this country, including King George III; when’s the last time a president made half his country want to move to Canada? Lays claim to the legacy of Jesus Christ as he hungrily sucks what little life-essence is left from the world. Appears to be only dimly aware that he is destroying the future, but seems to think it’s kind of funny.

Smoking Gun: Too numerous to mention.

Punishment: To have his fortune stolen from him by Cheney, Rumsfeld, Perle and Wolfowitz, and be denied Medicaid.

5. John Kerry

Crimes: Managed to lose to the most hated president in American history by virtue of his total inability to convincingly portray himself as a human being. Didn’t even have the balls to show up during the Ohio election challenge in the Senate. So thoroughly vetted that he appears inhuman, incapable of speaking without repeating the same hackneyed phrases incessantly and gesticulating like a poorly operated marionette. Cursing his daughters with his frightening profile.

Smoking Gun: Actually did vote for the $87 billion before he voted against it.

Punishment: Quality time with wife and kids.

4. Dick Cheney

Crimes: So loathsome his own party is frightened of him. Manages to deliver stunning lies with an air of sneering authority. Shamelessly employs scare tactics in order to strip the federal government of any resemblance to the one described in the constitution. So visibly evil that all of the documented evidence against him is superfluous. The kind of guy who starts talking cannibalism the minute he steps on the lifeboat.

Smoking Gun: Managed to make his own shame at producing gay offspring into a negative for Kerry.

Punishment: Hacked to death by Mexican migrant workers.

3. You

Crimes: You gaze idly at the carnage around you, sigh, and go calmly back to your coffee and your People magazine. You can’t stop buying useless crap, though you’re drowning in a deepening pool of debt. You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on the internet, but you reelect the same gangsters at a 99% rate. You consider yourself informed because you waste a significant portion of your life watching the same three news stories cycle over and over again on your gargantuan, aerodynamic television set while you eat processed food. You really thought everything would be okay if Kerry won. Not only do you believe in an invisible man who magically farted out the universe, you also excoriate and marginalize those who disagree. You have a poorer understanding of your country’s foreign policy history than a third world peasant, but you can’t wait to see what Julia Roberts will be wearing at the Oscars. You cheer as Ukrainians challenge an election based on exit poll data, but keep waiting around for someone else to fix your problems. You can’t think, you can’t organize and you won’t act. This is all your fault.

Smoking Gun: You’re fat.

Punishment: You’re soaking in it.

2. Donald Rumsfeld

Crimes: At least Herman Goering knew how to conquer people. Rummy is the richest person in the white house, a former auto and pharmaceutical CEO and the one who nurtured Dick Cheney’s career. So rife with corruption and fascist desire he makes dirt look clean. Carries himself in press conferences like a cranky grandfather who is sick of hearing his daughters whine about how he molested them every now and then.

Smoking Gun: Abu Ghraib.

Punishment: Abu Ghraib.

1. Kenneth Blackwell

Crimes: The greasy, rancid piece of crap who delivered Ohio for Bush by any means necessary, and then bragged about it in a recent fundraising letter. A black man who has no reservations about screwing over his own people in his lust for power and money. Blackwell is the kind of soulless traitor without whose complicity no nefarious evil plot ever goes down. In step with the future of global elections.

Smoking Gun: Phony recounts, media lockouts, intentional misallocation of voting machines, you name it.

Just Punishment: Dissolved in barrel of acid.

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