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A BEAST Reader Opinion

By Norah Thickly

Cats are everywhere these days-in the U.S. there are 85 million of them, and that's not including the strays! Of course, all of our furry feline friends are beautiful in their own way, and most are just really darned cute. But my cats are definitely the cutest ones on earth.

It's really pretty obvious, if you look at these photos. I know, I know-you think your cats are cute, too. But just look at mine! They're so darned cute! I really think if everyone came over to my house and dangled a string over Bubbles and Miss Kitty, they would be forced to agree that my, mischievous, playful, and clever beauties make their cats look like total crap.

One of them always follows me around-it's so cute! She just wants to be petted! The other one loves to play with the water dripping from the kitchen faucet-how funny! Of course, it's not all fun and games-they poop in a box just like all the rest. But knowing I'm taking care of my little perfect fuzzballs makes even scoop duty seem sweet.

One time, I thought I lost Bubbles-I was frantic! A couple of hours later, I found her-in the cupboard under the bathroom sink! It was so cute! They love to sleep in the laundry hamper, too, and in my lap-that's the best. Another thing that makes them the cutest cats alive is how they take turns chasing each other around the house, and how they jump out at my feet like they're hunting-that's so precious! They make cute little noises, too, not loud, scratchy noises like other cats.

My kitties are so adorable and entertaining I talk about them all day. This has alienated some of my former friends, but that just leaves more time for throwing balls of tinfoil, which my cats go nuts for! I really think people are just jealous of me and my wonderful cats, because if they had cats like mine, they wouldn't have to worry anymore about the stress and struggle of everyday life; the career, the burdensome social relationships, the pointless pursuit of sex-all they'd have to do is sit at home and try to pick them up without getting scratched. My cats fart when I pick them up-it's sooo cute!

Why are my cats so special? I just can't say. I picked them up at an animal shelter just like anyone else, but when I first laid eyes on my little kitties, I knew I had found a pair worth more than the highest-priced Siamese purebreds. I'm not the only one who thinks my cats are so cute, either. Many people have seen them and said "aren't they the cutest" right away. That's because they are. They are the cutest, and anyone who says any different is just wrong.

I don't think I'll ever get another cat…that would be weird, and cruel to the new cat, because it could never possibly match the perfection of the cats I have now. I think my only option is to have them cloned-that'll probably be available in ten years or so, I think. That way, I'll always have the best, cutest cats in the world. And I'll never need to be intimate with another being that can speak or leave the house.

You may have cats, and you may love them, but mine are simply cuter-you have to admit it. I hope that knowing about my superb cats doesn't diminish in any way the love you have for your own. After all, we can't all be so lucky. My cats are just more special, and you'll just have to live with it. I, on the other hand, must count my lucky stars every day for granting me these cuddly wonders of ideal feline grace. My cats are the cutest.

Norah Thickly is a 47 year-old resident of Buffalo's West Side. A former receptionist and set designer, she now has her groceries delivered. And only speaks to "outsiders" through AOL Instant Messenger.