But The Drugs Like Me
by Phil Mulgruvis
Traditional place to get yer ya-ya's out on Friday and Saturday
nights. Nose candy usually available throughout the evening, as
long as you don't look like a fed. Bartenders seem to know the scoop,
and if you tip good enough they might just help you out. Beware
of late night acquisitions (after 2am). Usually 99% baby laxative,
unless you're a friend. Beast reviewers disappointed with lack of
cocaine odor or taste in first purchase, but our connection redeemed
himself when approached by our buddy who knew just what to do. $60
was the going number for the raw stuff, which made our heads numb
for hours. If you're not sure, offer to pay more than $40, tell
the guy you only want the raw, and always try some before you buy.
Those poor Lackawanna kids are still getting the hydro from Canada.
Usually $80 per nickel, very dense and sticky this time around.
Fresh pine odor and slow burning. Might have some pesticide content,
caused reviewers to sneeze when consumed in giant bong over the
weekend. Still, some of the best to come around in a while, highly
These crappy 10 sacks are for the birds. Lower quality than the
shit your pops used to smoke in the '60s-approximately .1% THC content.
If you like Coors Light, and you drive a mini-Cooper, then you'll
love this schwag. Frustrating amount of seeds and stems, good for
porch parties and getting bums to do surprising amounts of work
for you. Broke-ass BEAST staffers and friends smoked unbelievable
amounts of this weed at Beast Bash on Saturday. Everyone had a headache
Some lucky bastard has been growing the insane shit up here for
a while. True one-hit blowout. The herbs we sampled up here reminded
us of kissing a beautiful Turkish woman on the lips. Almost hash-like
in flavor and effect. Striking green and white crystalline buds
with intense skunk aroma. We've heard through the grapevine that
this particular hybrid is known as the "Crown" variety
by its creator. Thank you whoever you are, and keep up the good
John Kerry's Plane
Beast drug reviewer traveling with JK's entourage notified us that
even though Kerry is a downright political whore, he is also intelligent
enough to make a better impression in world affairs. However, the
acid acquired on this journey didn't really do the trick when we
dropped it. Flavorless and odorless, it was like a hit of carbon
monoxide from my friend's wallet. This tattered little shred of
LSD woke us up for a few hours, but in the long run it just fueled
our late-night paranoia, and made it harder to sleep after we got
in around 9am.
It's been a while, but the last time we hooked up with our pill
bearer, it was hydrocordone heaven. Probably the best way to simulate
the effects of heroin without pulling a Basketball Diaries on yourself.
Recommended dosage is 2 hydros with about 4 brewskis and a bowl
of dope. Feel yourself melting and hang on for at least 3-6 hours
of vibrating bliss. Careful with the suds though, if you drink too
much you'll have horrible nightmares of Jamie Moses' face and may
wake up in a dream-like stupor to find you've pissed yourself. Definitely
not for kids; experienced delinquents only-and don't do it again
the next day.
We hope this review of Buffalo's finest will help you to expand
your consciousness, alienate your stupid friends and help you get
that divorce you've been waiting for. Good Luck!
(For entertainment purposes, only. Drugs are bad. And expensive.)