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BEAST Drug Review

…But The Drugs Like Me
by Phil Mulgruvis

Allentown
Traditional place to get yer ya-ya's out on Friday and Saturday nights. Nose candy usually available throughout the evening, as long as you don't look like a fed. Bartenders seem to know the scoop, and if you tip good enough they might just help you out. Beware of late night acquisitions (after 2am). Usually 99% baby laxative, unless you're a friend. Beast reviewers disappointed with lack of cocaine odor or taste in first purchase, but our connection redeemed himself when approached by our buddy who knew just what to do. $60 was the going number for the raw stuff, which made our heads numb for hours. If you're not sure, offer to pay more than $40, tell the guy you only want the raw, and always try some before you buy.

South Buffalo
Those poor Lackawanna kids are still getting the hydro from Canada. Usually $80 per nickel, very dense and sticky this time around. Fresh pine odor and slow burning. Might have some pesticide content, caused reviewers to sneeze when consumed in giant bong over the weekend. Still, some of the best to come around in a while, highly recommended.

West Side
These crappy 10 sacks are for the birds. Lower quality than the shit your pops used to smoke in the '60s-approximately .1% THC content. If you like Coors Light, and you drive a mini-Cooper, then you'll love this schwag. Frustrating amount of seeds and stems, good for porch parties and getting bums to do surprising amounts of work for you. Broke-ass BEAST staffers and friends smoked unbelievable amounts of this weed at Beast Bash on Saturday. Everyone had a headache on Sunday.

Niagara Falls
Some lucky bastard has been growing the insane shit up here for a while. True one-hit blowout. The herbs we sampled up here reminded us of kissing a beautiful Turkish woman on the lips. Almost hash-like in flavor and effect. Striking green and white crystalline buds with intense skunk aroma. We've heard through the grapevine that this particular hybrid is known as the "Crown" variety by its creator. Thank you whoever you are, and keep up the good work!

John Kerry's Plane
Beast drug reviewer traveling with JK's entourage notified us that even though Kerry is a downright political whore, he is also intelligent enough to make a better impression in world affairs. However, the acid acquired on this journey didn't really do the trick when we dropped it. Flavorless and odorless, it was like a hit of carbon monoxide from my friend's wallet. This tattered little shred of LSD woke us up for a few hours, but in the long run it just fueled our late-night paranoia, and made it harder to sleep after we got in around 9am.

Downtown Buffalo
It's been a while, but the last time we hooked up with our pill bearer, it was hydrocordone heaven. Probably the best way to simulate the effects of heroin without pulling a Basketball Diaries on yourself. Recommended dosage is 2 hydros with about 4 brewskis and a bowl of dope. Feel yourself melting and hang on for at least 3-6 hours of vibrating bliss. Careful with the suds though, if you drink too much you'll have horrible nightmares of Jamie Moses' face and may wake up in a dream-like stupor to find you've pissed yourself. Definitely not for kids; experienced delinquents only-and don't do it again the next day.

We hope this review of Buffalo's finest will help you to expand your consciousness, alienate your stupid friends and help you get that divorce you've been waiting for. Good Luck!

(For entertainment purposes, only. Drugs are bad. And expensive.)