KINO
KORNER
Movie
Reviews by Michael Gildea
The
Day After Tomorrow ***
Normally the idea of watching a movie where the special effects are
the big star, directed by Al Pacino's former limo driver, makes as
much sense as a remake
of 
Casablanca
to me. But when Mother Nature decides to stick humanity's wang in
a vise and twist until next Earth Day? I'm there. Don't get me wrong-I'm
no tree-hugger by any means; I just really appreciate seeing truly
st
upid
people getting it right in the ass for their misdoings. The Day After
Tomorrow tells the what-if tale of another ice age coming on, all
because you didn't buy a Prius or separate your recyclables. This
movie is pornographic in a way: I don't remember seeing a single flash
of cleavage, or even a pair of shorts for that matter, but the disasters
are like the sex scenes that you fast-forward to get to in a mob-funded
T&A flick. Watching that atrocity better known as the Hollywood
sign get taken out by a twister was worth the price of admission alone.
Hailstones the size of footballs take out people on mopeds. Manhattan
gets hit by a tidal wave. I'm not a proponent of drowning a movie
in special effects; it's like putting a whole bowl of cherries on
one scoop of ice cream or three cups of sugar in your coffee, but
all those effects sure tasted mighty fine here. On the other hand,
great special effects (except for the CGI wolves) are usually there
to distract you from crappy subplots and to make you forget that the
few characters that are being focused on will definitely survive.
Despite the clichéd exchanges between less-than-secondary characters,
there were moments of genuine humor-namely Americans illegally crossing
the border into Mexico. I consider this to be director Roland Emmerich's
slightly more than halfhearted apology for Godzilla. But as for former
indie It boy (I can't believe I just used that title) and star Jake
Gyllenhaal, his performance had none of the heart of any of his previous
work, and none of the ambition that this role demanded. Maybe he can
be Tobey Maguire's stand-in sometime.
Raising
Helen *
As a film critic (and a lowly one at that), I felt it my duty to
go back and watch all of the past episodes of the failed animated
Fox series from the mid-'90s aptly named "The Critic." If
you're unfamiliar with it, Jon Lovitz was the voice of a fat, bald,
and obnoxious film critic who slammed every crappy movie that came
out. I imagine that you understand my fascination. But every once
in a while, Lovitz's character Jay 
Sherman
would be ending a rant as a scene began and I always wondered what
the rest of the rant was. Well one of his rants ended with the words,
"and that is why Goldie Hawn should be shot." And after
watching Raising Helen, I now think I know how that diatribe went.
Star Kate Hudson is Hawn's daughter and she's falling into the same
pattern as her mother-making shitty movies that are so formulaic you
could set a watch by them. Hudson plays a personal assistant at a
modeling agency in Manhattan who should've been killed in The Day
After Tomorrow. Her sister kicks off, and she gets custody of the
kids and WHO REALLY GIVES A SHIT? This isn't a movie; it's a full
season of a sitcom that got sent to the wrong department. Kate Hudson
is a genetically engineered…creature whose spiral curls and pointy
features are supposed to draw you in and make you spend your money.
If you think about seeing this movie and deep down in your heart know
you shouldn't, do what I do: make a skullcap out of tinfoil to block
the airbrushed signals. Her Hershey kiss-sized breasts are the source
of her power. Get that cap on! Put it on now! The one I feel the worst
for is John Corbett of "Northern Exposure" fame-because
now we have to kill him. And that is why Goldie Hawn should be shot…
Soul
Plane *
1,2,3 and to the 4. Snoop needs a kick in the dick to drop his ass
to the floor. It'sbad enough that he's 
got
every honky saying "fo shizzle my nizzle," but trying to
elaborate on the two jive-talkin' black dudes from the Airplane! movies
is beyond reproach. As glad as I was to see Tom Arnold get away from
Roseanne, this isn't a step in the right direction. Blow this one
off, kids. Someone's crapping in your mouth and calling it a muffin.
Harry
Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban ***
Sequels and kid's movies have a tendency to make me…let me put
it this way. Sequels and kid's movies are to me what kryptonite is
to Superman. They make me very weak and susceptible to harm, and once
they're gone I'm very, very pissed. But with the Harry Potter movies
and a few other franchises, I am immune to this effect. The reason
for this (at least with the Potter movies) is that they get darker
and better as the series goes 
on.
They're almost like video games in that respect. However, they're
not perfect. Cute and precocious muppet-like children have given way
to heroin mullets and the inevitable awkward stage for teenagers.
Maybe it's the work of director Alfonso Cuaron, known for his movie
about two Spanish boys boning an older woman with cancer, but that's
not been confirmed at press time. The movie this time around doesn't
have a big elaborate plot, and there's not as much cool wizardry going
on in Prisoner of Azkaban. Instead, it spends the last hour or so
rehashing Back to the Future for kids who've never heard of Huey Lewis
and the News. It also has a darkerlook. As for Gary Oldman, who plays
said prisoner, don't get too excited. He was (I'm not going to say
magic, so don't worry) fantastic for the whole fifteen minutes of
screen time he had, throwing in dashes of Charles Manson and Rasputin,
but if he's your sole reason for seeing this movie, you're likely
to be disappointed. If you're looking for a straight was-it-good-or-not
answer, it wasn't the best one, but it has more going for it than
most other movies that'll be hitting theaters this summer. When I
consider that I didn't run to the can once, and I ate at a Chinese
buffet before the feature, that's a major feat. Think of the Huey
Lewis score from Back to the Future as Harry takes a ride on his broom
for the final scene. It's pretty dumb, but I laughed for about an
hour after I left the theater thinking about it.
"Joey, you like movies about gladiators?" Troy is based
on Homer's Illiad, recounting the story of the Trojan War and all
the malarkey that started it. Nutshell plotline if you've never bothered
to read a classic: Trojan prince Paris (played oh so effeminately
by Orlando Bloom) steals Greek queen Helen on a mission of peace.
Her husband Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson) goes to his brother Agamemnon
(bullishly played by Brian Cox) who uses the war as an excuse to conquer
Troy. Then comp
lete
and total batshit ensues. All of that takes up about the first fifteen
minutes of the movie and the remaining two and a half hours play out
like the NFL playoffs on angel dust. If you have a penis and two accompanying
testicles, you will probably enjoy Troy. Brutal fights full of computer-generated
soldiers and spears getting thrown through skulls. Director Wolfgang
Petersen borrows occasionally from the Lord of the Rings movies (Even
a bow and arrow-wielding Orlando Bloom). Brad Pitt plays Achilles,
the reluctant yet quintessential warrior in the hammiest and most
overbearing performance of his life (yes, I am taking into account
his appearance on "21 Jump Street"). Guys back then weren't
tortured; they just did their duty. However, Pitt bounces between
skulking on shores and delivering Vince Lombardi speeches to his battalion
of crazed fighters. I was surprised that the words "let's get
ready to rumble" weren't booming afterward. Saved me a cringe,
but the speech was funny. Brian Cox wasn't any better as Agamemnon.
I think he forgot he wasn't playing a villain in a comic book movie
anymore. Basically, if an actor wasn't Australian or British, his
performance was doomed. Eric Bana as Hector and Sean Bean as Odysseus
gave particularly good performances. In the end, I think I was happier
to see an epic that could possibly be hailed as a classic. Troy was
no Gladiator, but at the same time, it was better than Cleopatra.
One word of advice to any women who are going to see Troy for the
love story aspect and to see Brad Pitt's ass: the love story is a
cover! Agamemnon invading Troy was like George W. invading Iraq because
they totaled the World Trade center. To save you some money: Brad
Pitt's naked ass does not make one single solitary appearance in this
movie. Oprah lied to you.
Breakin'
All the Rules
Do
you know what the only thing worse than seeing a romantic comedy with
office satire and some mistaken identity is? I can't tell you, but
if you figure it out, please e-mail me at Michael@buffalobeast.com.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding sounded more appealing than this movie actually
was. Breakin' All the Rules? I'd love to be Breakin' All the Faces
of the bloatedswine that greenlit this one. This is what happens when
you start making movies to finance third and fourth houses and you
lose the desire to entertain people. Someone takes a shit, puts it
in a film projector and people pay at least eight bucks a head to
get laughed at for an hour and a half. Future filmmakers of the world,
I have spoken. Good day…
Shrek
2 ***
The only thing I hate more than a computer-animated kids' movie (or
a sequel to one) is the bombardment of cross-merchandising which ensues.
Remember the good old days where you could just go see
a movie and not be reminded of it every time you eat a candy bar in
the following months? Yeah, neither do I. As you may or may not know,
I hate 99% of children's movies. Mindless, brainless sub-entertainment
is used to sell shampoo, breakfast cereal, and everything in-between
(I also strongly suspect that these types of movies are also used
to catch monkeys in the wild). But the original Shrek falls into that
few-and-far-between 1% of kids' movies I approve of, and if my opinioncounted
for anything I would endorse. It juggled the tasks of entertaining
kids while simultaneously amusing adults quite deftly. I was introduced
to the original in a gulag back in '02 as a torture tactic by some
Viennese diamond merchants who wanted to know where Rick James lived.
They didn't get the desired results, and I escaped while they stepped
out to rent Steel Magnolias (the extended edition.) Shrek 2 picks
up where the first left off: They're off to meet the disapproving
in-laws (Julie Andrews and John Cleese) and fend off the sabotage
of an evil fairy godmother. Shrek 2 has just as much edgy humor as
the original and a soundtrack with Tom Waits and Nick Cave and the
Bad Seeds. It nods to movies such as Lord of the Rings, Spider-Man,
and Ghostbusters. All in all, cleverer than any other form of children's
entertainment and better than anything Disney's done since I've been
alive. Make sure you stick around for the credits.
