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THE BEAST PAGE 3

Inebriated Celebrity Jerk


Name: David Hasselhoff

Turn-ons: Me, my chest, my car, my voice, Germany, facelifts, Bacardi and Diet Coke

Turn-offs: Pamela Anderson, "Knight Rider" jokes, cops who won't play ball

How I became THE BEAST PAGE 3 Inebriated Celebrity Jerk: So I like to have a few before cruising Ventura Boulevard, so what? Look, I'm David Hasselhoff, dammit! I had the most popular show in the world, and I'm personally responsible for the demolition of the Berlin Wall. I'm tall and handsome, not to mention good-looking. I don't care if I was commanding my car to give me oxygen; those cops were dicks, and they'll pay.

Future Plans: My immediate plans involve nothing more than a nice bottle of rum and a couple of high class hookers. Then maybe a drive to the beach. Also, I'm making a rap album with Ice T. No, really.

How I would like to be remembered: As the leader of the free world. It's bound to happen sooner or later. I'm much better looking than George Bush or Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I can deliver my lines a hell of a lot better. Yo, corporate oligarchs-check me out!