YOU MR. REAGAN
Brief Sampling of Ronald's Legacy
Telemarketing: There ought to be a law against having people
call you at dinnertime (or worse yet at 8:00am) to sell you shit you
don't want, right? Actually, there was. Good old Gippy, in a fit of
grotesquely corrupt deregulatory lust, struck it down-thanks, shitbag!
Infomercials: Yep. This used to be illegal, too. This is
Reagan's cultural legacy to you: Tony Robbins, Girls Gone Wild,
The Abdominator. And assholes calling you and then harassing you
to change your long distance service. What a guy.
The homeless problem: Wasn't too much of this going on before
Reagan either. I guess the DC streets seemed too lonely to Ronnie,
so he drastically slashed funding for mental health and drug treatment.
Now every town has its own vaudeville cast of street "performers,"
each one more zany than the last!
The War on Drugs: Thanks to horrible bitch and Sinatra-ho
Nancy Reagan's need to boost her dragon-lady image, now otherwise
decent people who experiment with drugs can spend large portions
of their lives in prison, where they can learn to be real criminals!
Saddam: That's right; W's mortal enemy was Reagan's best
buddy. It was under Reagan that Donald Rumsfeld went to shake Saddam's
hand, assuring him that Reagan's public condemnation of his gassing
of Iraqi Kurds in Halabja was just for show, and that the steady
stream of money and weapons would keep on coming. Gee, after all
that help, he turned out to be a bad guy-who'd a thunk it?
Massive Deficit Spending: No one racked up the bills better
than this "small government" conservative. Ronnie wasn't
really against spending borrowed money, as long as it bolstered
the defense industry. Hungry people, on the other hand, can eat
Crack Cocaine: A possibly unintended consequence of accepting
cocaine from the contras as payment for illegal arms sales was that
the CIA fenced it in San Francisco and L.A. as the very first rock
cocaine in the U.S. How awesome! If it weren't for this horribly
devastating drug variety, we would have never seen such classic
films as Boyz-n-da Hood and Menace II Society. Ronnie just keeps
on giving to Hollywood!
Antonin Scalia and a gaggle of backward-thinking, bible-thumping,
regressive judges: Ronnie's impact on our judicial system was just
fab! Now we get to appreciate the civil rights we have been granted
even more, because we know they'll all gradually be taken away from
us by hateful bitter religious idiots. Ladies, stock up on those
wire hangers-after Bush gets done finishing this job, you'll get
arrested for having a condom in your purse.
GWB-It's pretty clear that a large part of this monkey's
appeal is how much he reminds us not of his own father, but RR himself,
or at least his half-witted nephew. The long pauses, frequent smirks,
corny humor, cowboy attitude and vacuous stare all have a nice familiar
feel, even if the inarticulate delivery and god-awful acting don't.
In true Reagan style, George leaves the deep thinking to his most
trusted advisors and the debt crisis management to his eventual
democratic successors. In all likelihood, Bush will also be remembered
fondly by many; cartoonish figures who exude simplicity often are.
"We may be the generation that sees Armageddon."