Untitled Document

THANK YOU MR. REAGAN

A Brief Sampling of Ronald's Legacy

Telemarketing: There ought to be a law against having people call you at dinnertime (or worse yet at 8:00am) to sell you shit you don't want, right? Actually, there was. Good old Gippy, in a fit of grotesquely corrupt deregulatory lust, struck it down-thanks, shitbag!
Infomercials: Yep. This used to be illegal, too. This is Reagan's cultural legacy to you: Tony Robbins, Girls Gone Wild, The Abdominator. And assholes calling you and then harassing you to change your long distance service. What a guy.

The homeless problem: Wasn't too much of this going on before Reagan either. I guess the DC streets seemed too lonely to Ronnie, so he drastically slashed funding for mental health and drug treatment. Now every town has its own vaudeville cast of street "performers," each one more zany than the last!

The War on Drugs: Thanks to horrible bitch and Sinatra-ho Nancy Reagan's need to boost her dragon-lady image, now otherwise decent people who experiment with drugs can spend large portions of their lives in prison, where they can learn to be real criminals!

Saddam: That's right; W's mortal enemy was Reagan's best buddy. It was under Reagan that Donald Rumsfeld went to shake Saddam's hand, assuring him that Reagan's public condemnation of his gassing of Iraqi Kurds in Halabja was just for show, and that the steady stream of money and weapons would keep on coming. Gee, after all that help, he turned out to be a bad guy-who'd a thunk it?

Massive Deficit Spending: No one racked up the bills better than this "small government" conservative. Ronnie wasn't really against spending borrowed money, as long as it bolstered the defense industry. Hungry people, on the other hand, can eat shit.

Crack Cocaine: A possibly unintended consequence of accepting cocaine from the contras as payment for illegal arms sales was that the CIA fenced it in San Francisco and L.A. as the very first rock cocaine in the U.S. How awesome! If it weren't for this horribly devastating drug variety, we would have never seen such classic films as Boyz-n-da Hood and Menace II Society. Ronnie just keeps on giving to Hollywood!

Antonin Scalia and a gaggle of backward-thinking, bible-thumping, regressive judges: Ronnie's impact on our judicial system was just fab! Now we get to appreciate the civil rights we have been granted even more, because we know they'll all gradually be taken away from us by hateful bitter religious idiots. Ladies, stock up on those wire hangers-after Bush gets done finishing this job, you'll get arrested for having a condom in your purse.

GWB-It's pretty clear that a large part of this monkey's appeal is how much he reminds us not of his own father, but RR himself, or at least his half-witted nephew. The long pauses, frequent smirks, corny humor, cowboy attitude and vacuous stare all have a nice familiar feel, even if the inarticulate delivery and god-awful acting don't. In true Reagan style, George leaves the deep thinking to his most trusted advisors and the debt crisis management to his eventual democratic successors. In all likelihood, Bush will also be remembered fondly by many; cartoonish figures who exude simplicity often are.

"We may be the generation that sees Armageddon." --RR