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BEAST-O-SCOPES



 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

  Man do you have a lot of explaining to do, Gemini. Your wife puts up with a lot of shit, but coming home early to find you wearing the lingerie you bought her for Christmas while singing the theme to "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" in front of the mirror is a little out of her tolerance range. All that damn mascara didn't help to much either. We know that you're not gay, you just like to play "dress-up." The problem is you look like an over the hill RuPaul and as we all know, RuPaul is very much gay. Just wait a few days until she stops crying and is willing to come out of the bathtub, then tell her you were practicing for a comedy troupe audition. Your moon is in Saturn, Gemini, so if your going to sell this, now is the time. Also, you'd best take out an ad for comedy troupe auditions in the Beast just to cover your thong-clad ass.


 Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

  Isn't it amazing, Cancer, when you think no one saw you do something, but it turns out that someone else knows your dirty little secret? For instance, let's presume that I know it was you who convinced that retarded man at the zoo to jump into the polar bear habitat. Let's say that I have you on camera prodding that poor bastard to jump in the water so that the bears could give him some Coca-Cola. Personally, I feel that information like that is worth something…But to whom? Maybe to the Channel 7 News Room, or perhaps to someone like you who may be inclined toward anonymity. I am willing to bet on the latter. In fact, I am willing to bet there will be $2500.00 American placed in the garbage can behind the Albright Knox Art Gallery on Tuesday June, 15 at say 9:45pm(EST). If I am wrong, I will have plenty of time to make a quick stop and still make it home for the 11 O'Clock News.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

 "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy's got nuts, Mounds don't." I have had that fucking jingle stuck in my head for three weeks you son of a bitch. You couldn't just eat that fucking candy bar on the bus, you had to hum that stupid jingle the entire time you were eating it (a privilege that took you an unusually long time, by the way). Now I find myself singing that damn thing over and over and over. My neighbors are starting to complain about it. For a while I was just irritated, but then I just started crying and even thought I was going a little crazy. Then it came to me, your true insidious form. I know what you are Leo, some kind of low-level Grief Demon that rides public buses and casts musical spells on hapless Astrologers. After week two of sleeplessness, the stars gave me a sign of my salvation in the form of a large can of mace I found at the flea-market, shortly after purchasing an ornate dagger from a man with seven fingers. Now I too ride the bus with a mission, Leo. I will use my Flash Pass to hunt you to the edges of Western New York. Oh, and Neptune is on the rise, so play the Lotto.


 Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

  I know this is a hard time for you, Virgo, but please understand that Grandma is in a better place. It's called the Shady Acres Community. You see, sweetheart, after Grandpa died last month, your Grandma became something of a burden with all of her crying and phone calls about not knowing why her house was up for sale. Shady Acres took all that away, including most of Grandma's personal belongings. There she will be woken up at 6am everyday and made to eat a yummy meal, then dressed and placed in a room with other old people who like to be quiet and stare at the chair legs. She is going to be on such a regimented schedule that Grammy won't need that pesky phone she liked to call us with. Don't worry my little Virgo, we can see Grandma on her birthday…If we aren't going to the beach.


 Libra (September 23 - October 22)

  Libra, if I could start fires with my mind you would be in deep shit.

 

 


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

  There are moments in a person's life when they have to decide to either fight the current of social sterility or let their limbs lie loose and be carried away to a sea of safe mediocrity. You, Scorpio, gave up the fight last week when you went to the mall and actually purchased a Jessica Simpson CD, which you listened to all the way to Pizza Hut. Are you happy? Is all the pain gone? Did you drown your individuality with four delicious toppings? Good-Bye Scorpio, it time for you to take your place in the great lemming parade. Just follow the enchanting sounds of Michael Bolton.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

  Your parents suck, your boss sucks, your friends suck, even the entire city sucks. The odd thing, Sagittarius, is that never once have you looked at the charred black crack pipe in your hand and thought that maybe it's you that suck. How many bridges have you burned with a clear plastic lighter? It's almost not worth wasting the words on you. The worst part is that you didn't give up to Jessica Simpson, but rather to your own weakness. My dear Sagittarius, the path you are on is dark, with little certainty outside of the fact that sooner than later you will know the taste of penis.


 Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

  It's a rough day when you figure out that you life is full of liars and conmen and you are their crash test dummy. Truth is that there is not much you can do about it. Just scrape the social acne off one at a time as it comes to a head. That or you can stop being such a fucking pansy bitch and tell all of those fucking leeches to fuck off. Christ, have some self-esteem you fucking clown and stop being such a punk. In fact, the next time one off those parasites you call 'friend" tries to fuck you over, grab the nearest large household object and smash it over his diseased head. Be sure to start kicking him before he has time to shake off the pain and confusion. I don't have anything else for you Capricorn, because you piss me off too much.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

 What the hell were you thinking the other night when you picked up that crackwhore? Did you really need a blowjob that badly that you were willing to take it from a woman with four teeth and a smell not unlike a public bathroom in Calcutta? Honestly, I can think of at least seven hundred and thirty-four things that I would rather spend ten dollars on. I am also willing to bet ten dollars that you were thinking the same thing when she stuck that pocketknife in your thigh and took your wallet. Look to Venus to find the lighter side of this debacle, the "When Whores Attack" jokes certainly kept the trauma center staff in a lively mood all night.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

As I sit in my Transcendental meditation chamber poking and prodding the ether for the wisdom of the stars, I can't help but think how funny it was watching you ride your expensive mountain bike right into the back of a parked car in front of my house. The way you flew over the top of the car, rolled off the hood and lay in the street screaming pain-based gibberish about that broken antenna sticking out of you forearm was priceless. Hell, I was laughing so hard that I was almost unable to find my digital camera. Look to Mars for hindsight, Pisces, maybe you should have been paying attention to the street rather than those fourteen-year-old girls on that porch. Karma can be a real bitch, Pisces.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

My dear Aries, I know driving that school bus was your entire life and livelihood, but you should have taken that into consideration before biting that kid. Yes, he was throwing broken crayons at your head for three miles, but I think a liberal scolding would have wrapped up the situation nicely. However, your decision to bite the little shit on his face, and then making him eat all the crayons he had, left leaves your union rep with a very weak defense to work on your behalf. Let's just be honest with each other and admit that it's time for you to consider another vocation. Aries, look to Jupiter for Guidance, I hear the Post Office is hiring.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

  Fuck you Taurus.