BEAST-O-SCOPES
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Man do you have a lot of explaining to do, Gemini. Your
wife puts up with a lot of shit, but coming home early to find you
wearing the lingerie you bought her for Christmas while singing
the theme to "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" in front of the
mirror is a little out of her tolerance range. All that damn mascara
didn't help to much either. We know that you're not gay, you just
like to play "dress-up." The problem is you look like
an over the hill RuPaul and as we all know, RuPaul is very much
gay. Just wait a few days until she stops crying and is willing
to come out of the bathtub, then tell her you were practicing for
a comedy troupe audition. Your moon is in Saturn, Gemini, so if
your going to sell this, now is the time. Also, you'd best take
out an ad for comedy troupe auditions in the Beast just to cover
your thong-clad ass.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Isn't it amazing, Cancer, when you think no one saw you
do something, but it turns out that someone else knows your dirty
little secret? For instance, let's presume that I know it was you
who convinced that retarded man at the zoo to jump into the polar
bear habitat. Let's say that I have you on camera prodding that
poor bastard to jump in the water so that the bears could give him
some Coca-Cola. Personally, I feel that information like that is
worth something…But to whom? Maybe to the Channel 7 News Room,
or perhaps to someone like you who may be inclined toward anonymity.
I am willing to bet on the latter. In fact, I am willing to bet
there will be $2500.00 American placed in the garbage can behind
the Albright Knox Art Gallery on Tuesday June, 15 at say 9:45pm(EST).
If I am wrong, I will have plenty of time to make a quick stop and
still make it home for the 11 O'Clock News.
Leo (July
23 - August 22)
"Sometimes
you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy's got nuts,
Mounds don't." I have had that fucking jingle stuck in my head
for three weeks you son of a bitch. You couldn't just eat that fucking
candy bar on the bus, you had to hum that stupid jingle the entire
time you were eating it (a privilege that took you an unusually
long time, by the way). Now I find myself singing that damn thing
over and over and over. My neighbors are starting to complain about
it. For a while I was just irritated, but then I just started crying
and even thought I was going a little crazy. Then it came to me,
your true insidious form. I know what you are Leo, some kind of
low-level Grief Demon that rides public buses and casts musical
spells on hapless Astrologers. After week two of sleeplessness,
the stars gave me a sign of my salvation in the form of a large
can of mace I found at the flea-market, shortly after purchasing
an ornate dagger from a man with seven fingers. Now I too ride the
bus with a mission, Leo. I will use my Flash Pass to hunt you to
the edges of Western New York. Oh, and Neptune is on the rise, so
play the Lotto.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
I know this is a hard time for you, Virgo, but please
understand that Grandma is in a better place. It's called the Shady
Acres Community. You see, sweetheart, after Grandpa died last month,
your Grandma became something of a burden with all of her crying
and phone calls about not knowing why her house was up for sale.
Shady Acres took all that away, including most of Grandma's personal
belongings. There she will be woken up at 6am everyday and made
to eat a yummy meal, then dressed and placed in a room with other
old people who like to be quiet and stare at the chair legs. She
is going to be on such a regimented schedule that Grammy won't need
that pesky phone she liked to call us with. Don't worry my little
Virgo, we can see Grandma on her birthday…If we aren't going
to the beach.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Libra, if I could start fires with my mind you would
be in deep shit.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 22)
There are moments in a person's life when they have to decide
to either fight the current of social sterility or let their limbs
lie loose and be carried away to a sea of safe mediocrity. You,
Scorpio, gave up the fight last week when you went to the mall and
actually purchased a Jessica Simpson CD, which you listened to all
the way to Pizza Hut. Are you happy? Is all the pain gone? Did you
drown your individuality with four delicious toppings? Good-Bye
Scorpio, it time for you to take your place in the great lemming
parade. Just follow the enchanting sounds of Michael Bolton.
Sagittarius
(November 23 - December 21)
Your parents suck, your boss sucks, your friends suck, even
the entire city sucks. The odd thing, Sagittarius, is that never
once have you looked at the charred black crack pipe in your hand
and thought that maybe it's you that suck. How many bridges have
you burned with a clear plastic lighter? It's almost not worth wasting
the words on you. The worst part is that you didn't give up to Jessica
Simpson, but rather to your own weakness. My dear Sagittarius, the
path you are on is dark, with little certainty outside of the fact
that sooner than later you will know the taste of penis.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
It's a rough day when you figure out that you life is full of
liars and conmen and you are their crash test dummy. Truth is that
there is not much you can do about it. Just scrape the social acne
off one at a time as it comes to a head. That or you can stop being
such a fucking pansy bitch and tell all of those fucking leeches
to fuck off. Christ, have some self-esteem you fucking clown and
stop being such a punk. In fact, the next time one off those parasites
you call 'friend" tries to fuck you over, grab the nearest
large household object and smash it over his diseased head. Be sure
to start kicking him before he has time to shake off the pain and
confusion. I don't have anything else for you Capricorn, because
you piss me off too much.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 19)
What
the hell were you thinking the other night when you picked up that
crackwhore? Did you really need a blowjob that badly that you were
willing to take it from a woman with four teeth and a smell not
unlike a public bathroom in Calcutta? Honestly, I can think of at
least seven hundred and thirty-four things that I would rather spend
ten dollars on. I am also willing to bet ten dollars that you were
thinking the same thing when she stuck that pocketknife in your
thigh and took your wallet. Look to Venus to find the lighter side
of this debacle, the "When Whores Attack" jokes certainly
kept the trauma center staff in a lively mood all night.
Pisces
(February 20 - March 20)
As
I sit in my Transcendental meditation chamber poking and prodding
the ether for the wisdom of the stars, I can't help but think how
funny it was watching you ride your expensive mountain bike right
into the back of a parked car in front of my house. The way you
flew over the top of the car, rolled off the hood and lay in the
street screaming pain-based gibberish about that broken antenna
sticking out of you forearm was priceless. Hell, I was laughing
so hard that I was almost unable to find my digital camera. Look
to Mars for hindsight, Pisces, maybe you should have been paying
attention to the street rather than those fourteen-year-old girls
on that porch. Karma can be a real bitch, Pisces.
Aries
(March 21 - April 20)
My
dear Aries, I know driving that school bus was your entire life
and livelihood, but you should have taken that into consideration
before biting that kid. Yes, he was throwing broken crayons at your
head for three miles, but I think a liberal scolding would have
wrapped up the situation nicely. However, your decision to bite
the little shit on his face, and then making him eat all the crayons
he had, left leaves your union rep with a very weak defense to work
on your behalf. Let's just be honest with each other and admit that
it's time for you to consider another vocation. Aries, look to Jupiter
for Guidance, I hear the Post Office is hiring.
Taurus
(April 21 - May 20)
Fuck you Taurus.
