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I'm fucking sick of seeing that gay Value store commercial where that dancing faggot comes prancing out.

MTV already has an all gay program, dummy. It’s called “Headbanger’s Ball.” As if the name wasn’t enough to tip you off. As for the Valu Dance, it’s a celebration of small-chain solidarity, a defiant finger in the eye of Home Depot and its ilk. Calling it “gay” is like calling your sacrifice to our nation “a monumental waste.” Face it, you want the guy. By the way, do you have any donuts? Some coffee would be nice too.

It's Meg, the "employed, educated, bartender". Just wanted to say thanks for printing my letter. I was waiting to see if Bill would reply, but I think he's busy reading this week's Band Width while spooning Masiello...so I've heard... Anyway, to answer your question unfortunately I am not single, but after your offer I may just dump my overweight (though losing lots of it) smoker boyfriend who's up all night bar tending for an overweight smoker who stays up all night writing cartoons about his penis. Wait...he can get me drunk for free...what perks would you offer? I mean a girl needs perks... Well, the time has come for shameless plugs so if any of you guys are ever in the Lackawanna area on a Wednesday or Thursday afternoon stop down at RJ's Port (new location on South Park and Keever) and I may feel compelled to buy ya a drink.

Meg

Dearest Meg,

If you’re not interested in overweight smokers, then we really don’t have much to talk about, although we are interested in your friend’s cartoons. We don’t think you’re really serious anyway, since you felt the need to qualify your comment about your fat boyfriend. If you really are interested. Please send us a picture of you, or whichever of your body parts you feel are most attractive. Or bring us some donuts. As far as perks, we offer the chance to type and answer phones for the most feared publication in WNY. Then prepare to be passed around the office like a quarter-ounce blunt. We’ll clear off a spot on the desk for you.

Hey why do yous fucks still employ that riordan kid? Are you always hiring people to write self-absorbed pieces of shit that end up going nowhere? I can do that, I can get an idea and then not see it through, like a bag of mucus or summoning spirits or one of those other shitty stories. Hey, remember the 'homeless' piece that ran in the Artvoice??? that sucked his tiny little balls that werent even visible to the audience 5 feet in front of him. THAT is who you employed, a failed artvoice writer. Basically, that kids writing should be fuckin mocked by you assholes instead of being mistaken for humor. By the way did anyone else see him get served at the Tudor? that was great, one of the best things ive seen. you know, then he looked pretty cute now that i think about it, that little quivering rabbits nose and those eyes all lit up with wonder before being frosted with a shiny tear that streaks down his cheeks... id like to frost his face with my semen if at all possible and watch that streak down those pouting cheeks.

Maybe you should try masturbating before you write us next time. It might help you to conceal your obvious homosexual angst. We understand—you hate Chris Riordan because you need him so badly. Denial is the first step on the road to acceptance, Brian. Give us a call when you’re ready for Chris’ number. Or if you have any donuts. No extra “glaze,” though, please.

Regarding “City Employees Pitch In” on page 5 (or is it page 4) of issue #50, that’s so off-base, it doesn’t even make for a good joke. Unions were created to ensure high pay, good benefits, etc. (we know why they exist). To say that city teachers should take a paycut is ridiculous. If anything, the county should share the fucking penny already. Also, the city should start a commuter tax for all city employees that live in the suburbs. I’m a bit surprised that the Beast took a page from the anti-union Buffalo News. I love the Beast, but you guys sound as clueless as Masiello on that one.

Dear Valiant,

You’re right. Our only defense is the substandard education we received at Buffalo city schools. Got any Donuts? We’d kill for a chocolate angel right now.

Al Uthman’s article about how pollution is good was some fucking twisted and dimented shit [“Why the Environment Doesn’t Matter,” Best #50]. I wish I hadn’t read it, cuz now I’m all messed up thinking about it for days. I hope he doesn’t really think that way, cuz he looks like a scary MF on the back cover, and I’m afraid he’s just spending his days burning airosol cans in his backyard. I hope your not really going to change the name of the paper for good, but the Richard Simons ad was fucking awesome. I’m laughing my ass off right now just thinking about it. The classifieds were great too. Who ever heard of a paper with funny classifieds? The Beast really is the Best. The best damn paper in town – stinky Artvoice is too lowly for you to even mess with. No one gives a damn about there lame-ass friends. Anyways, keep making me pee my pants, and twisting my brain, and telling me shit I don’t wanna know. Your paper makes life in the B-lo a little less lame. Long live the BEAST!

Dear Jar,

Christ, we can’t believe how many people didn’t get the “Best” thing. It’s a pretty simple joke. “The Beast sells out,” so it’s “The Best” now, get it? Aw hell, forget it.

wow. i feel guilty laughing so much when the focus is horror. but then i realized its like the Blues. you laugh to not go mad.

What was the highest rating in the charts that Ramsey's "Wut's My Name" acheived? In addition, what type of feed back, if any, did you receive from the listeners.

Willie Simmons

Dear Willie,

What the hell are you talking about? Anyone who knows what the hell Willie’s talking about, please write us at sic@buffalobeast.com and tell us. We don’t have listeners, we’re a newspaper—if we do have listeners, we want whatever they’re smoking. We’ve never heard of Ramsey, either—or Willie Simmons for that matter. Make yourself useful, willie, and get us some donuts. Last week, Taibbi cam in with a dozen Krispy Kremes, and we’re suffering from withdrawal. Bring us some donuts! How ‘bout a Boston crème? Or a freakin’ cruller? Even a pack of “Zingers” would be something.

About: Abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. You may want to do additional investigative reporting on the following.

Shakespeare said in a play ‘ Me thinks the lady doth protest too much’. This seems to aptly apply to the present Bush administration. Over here George W. promotes all sort of Faith Based initiatives, and doesn’t want gay couples to be married or do anything else for that matter. WHY? This has all the hallmarks of a powerful closet homosexual! Those in the closet are, publically, usually the most vehemently against what they are hiding in themselves from others.

George W. would seem the most likely candidate for being Gay. He is nattily dressed, works out daily, is seen mostly in the company of men, is responsible for an administration that created those films of “abuse” of Iraqi prisoners. He probably has all the film volumes in his private library for late night… viewing. Possibly he even has films of those prisoners who were murdered, something we would call “Snuff Films”.

It is even likely that Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Chaney also revel in such film delights. There may even be a group of Administration members who have copies in their libraries as well.

During his Governorship of Texas the number of missing children in that state was the highest. Did he have a way of rounding up those children for late night romps, and then disposed of them in unmarked graves? We probably will never know.

Historically speaking, remember FBI Director Hoover? Privately he was a flaming homosexual. Eisenhower was a cross dresser and maybe more. Hitler was a homosexual. All hid it from the public and all came down hard on homosexuals outside their coterie of “friends”.

Yes I believe those abuse tapes were meant for the private viewing pleasure of the administration higher ups. If I’m wrong, then why didn’t George W. fire top members of his administration who knew about this? Certainly Rumsfeld! Because they could black mail George W. on the subject? Plain and simple Soon they will tear down the prison, thus hiding more evidence from the public.

S. Sakcufi

Dear “Ifuckass” backwards,

A truly brilliant analysis. We hope you didn’t chafe yourself writing it. Perhaps you should send a copy f this letter to the Buffalo News, as they seem to have come out of the closet themselves lately. Really it’s great to see Buffet’s paper so proudly displaying their gay flag on every paper box in town—a gutsy move even the SF Chronicle hasn’t tried. Of course, they’ve got competition.