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2004 The Beast

The BEAST PAGE 3 Unreliable Hideous Drug Fiend

Name: Courtney Love

Turn-ons: Painkillers, Heroin, Cocaine, Booze, Botox, Rhinoplasty, Painkillers, Fake tits, Collagen, Makeup, Heroin, Violence, Cocaine, Booze, Track marks

Turn-offs: Sunlight, My stupid kid, Contractual obligations, ArtVoice, Chippewa, The Foo Fighters, My real face, Cops, My ex-manager

How I got to be the BEAST PAGE 3 Unreliable Hideous Drug Fiend: Look, it's not like I was planning on blowing you off when I said I'd be there, okay motherfucker? Not that it's any of your fucking business, asshole, but I've been getting hassled by fucking pigs all the time lately, for no good fucking reason, okay? It's, like, fucking insane now, and it's totally my ex-manager's fault. I broke into his house, sure, but I just wanted to talk to him, you know? NOBODY LEAVES ME! Well, the first time I just smashed some windows before the cops got me-I threw my pills at them, and shit. Then I went home and I was so depressed I OD'd right in front of my stupid kid. They took her away, which was pretty cool. So, I'm out on bail, you know, so I go back to finish what I started, right? I was totally kicking the pussy's ass, too. Then his stupid bitch new girlfriend gets all in my face and shit. So, yeah, I had to take the bitch out with my bottle and a flashlight-totally justified. Oh yeah, and I totally bashed this stupid asshole in the head with a microphone stand-he was all looking at me and shit. I think that was in…oh, it was New York, 'cause I showed David Letterman my tits that night.

Future Plans: I'm thinking of changing my name, for legal reasons, you know? I was thinking I could start calling myself Madonna, since she's "Esther" now anyway, and I'm totally way hotter than her anyway, that stupid bitch. Then I'll probably put out a few crappy albums as my increasingly desperate attempts to seem sexy get more and more revolting, and fade gradually into obscurity, eventually winding up as an answer to a yet-to-be-written Trivial Pursuit question.

How I Want to be Remembered: As a spunky pop diva who definitely didn't have anyone killed. As a pro-choice poster child.

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