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The Kerry Challenge - Al Uthman

Dying Quietly - Matt Taibbi

A Conversation About Nothing - Gabe Armstrong

The Allentown Terrorist - Lee Langenfeld

The Tet Defensive- Matt Taibbi


The Rapture Report!- George W's Guide to the Apocalyppse

Self-Diagnosis Chart for the Under-insured

White House Uses "Whatever" Defense Against 9/11 Panel - Josh Righter

BEAST Staff Forces Publisher to Run for Congress



Departments:

TV Highlights

Buffalo in Briefs

BEST-O-Scopes

Sports Blotter - Matt Taibbi

Page 3

[sic] - your letters

Classifieds!



Cartoons:

Deep Fried - Jason Youngbluth

Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley

Unbalanced Load - Darren Longo

Like It Is - I. Gonzalez



Movies:

Kino Korner

Spotlight Review: Terminal



Music:

AudioFiles: Music is Art, Wilco, The Thermals



Archives--Old BEASTs

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© 2004 The Beast

 

Your Letters


ANIMAL LOVER

Dear “The Best!”,

Last issue sure was optimistic.  You might have high hopes to succeed by wrapping your journalistic lips around the corporate cock, but I’m sorry to say you’re hopelessly outclassed as a prostitute in this town.  While the $1,000 hooker rides in Warren Buffet’s limo and gets wined and dined by the rich tricks, you’ll probably end up as a toothless crack slave doing donkeys to entertain bikers on meth, until one day they find your hacked up torso in a dumpster.  Maybe instead of trying to take the high road to Shamelessville, you could change your name to “The Breast” and take the low

road again.  I hope you stop being “The Best!” and bring back the good old-fashioned bestiality.  As always, next issue will be sweatily anticipated.

Regards,

Mr. P. Lake

Dear Mr. P,

You’re the kind of guy that violently masturbates while listening to a Matchbox 20 album over and over, then later sits amongst a group of fellow “intellectuals” and expounds upon sophomoric theory as to why modern music sucks. When your charm starts to wear off and the people around you slowly begin to realize how uninformed and full of shit you are, it suddenly becomes time for a trip to the twenty-four hour store for beer. The over-priced Heineken you purchase is enough to distract your victims from your unusual number of bestiality comments with the mass media-crafted status of “Heineken Man.” That is what you are, smoke and mirrors, and that is exactly why you didn’t get the joke. With that said we have other more important things to do. Besides, didn’t your new Counting Crows album arrive from BMG?

________________________________________

PUPPY LOVE

Hey fuckers just wanted to let everyone know that last name attached to my stellar writing was false, it is not Brian Duffy and I do not want anyone getting credit for this amazing criticism.  And secondly, i think you mistook my urge to spray semen on Riodans face for a homosexually inspired act.  Believe me, i want to dump my jism in his eyes and make him do the zombie stomp all over my room while i whip his ass with a belt in the MOST heterosexual of ways.  It’s called plutonic man-love. cmon beast, get with the times .And this is me talking after masturbating for a full 12 hour cycle so you know its not pent up urges speaking anymore.  I was really just reminding you of who he is, and wondering: why? why, beast, why?  seriously, just read his past stuff and you’ll have weeks worth of material. Or, wait, why dont you just keep on letting him write stupid pointless shit and maybe try to drag some more jokes out of this little piece of help i offer .   yeah sounds like a better plan instead.

-brick sprickley

Dear Mr. Duffy

If we were to seek a very conservative adjective with which to describe you it would probably be “Bi-Curious.” We could be honest to the point of being crass and suggest that you have a rather robust hobby involving discreet encounters with men from internet chat rooms and Taxidermy but we will err on the side of caution. If you want to hook up with Mr. Riordan that badly just send him an e-mail at riordan@buffalobeast.com. Given his economic status and fondness for Crack Cocaine any “request” you may have is certainly within the realm of possibility.

__________________________________________

MAJOR-LEAGUE ASSHOLE

I’m a major conservative, politically and fiscally, and one of the reasons I am this way is because I think that strong values are good for the development of kids.  That being said, I found the cover with Reagan accepting a position in hell really funny, because it just is.  However, your paper is really like most of the liberals in general, in that they criticize constantly, but don’t have any answers at all for anything. They should name the liberal left “The Gadfly Party.”  Anyway, who is the guy above Reagan on the cover?  He looks familiar as hell, but I can’t place him.  Were you one of the folks who wanted Frank Reich to start ahead of Jim Kelly back in the day?

Pmclau

Pmclau,

Of course the Reagan cover was funny. The truth often is funny, just like you. That’s right, you’re funny. How you ask? Well as you stated above, you are a “conservative, politically and fiscally,” and that you believe in “strong values.”  To us that means that politically you are willing to shit on ninety-eight percent of the population and are a shitty tipper. As for your “strong values,” this simply means that for you it’s bad to abort a fetus but perfectly alright to kill a middle-aged abortion doctor while he does dishes about ten feet from his family. Liberals do have answers, Mr. Republican, but you simply don’t want to imbibe a single one for fear that it might put the Apocalypse off schedule. Not to mention that you would have to find a new minority to carry the trays at your golf club. As for the mystery man on the cover…We are not going to tell you because it gives us pleasure.

_________________________________________

BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY

Subject: Meth

how long does it last in your system.

Tpudgie93

Tpudgie,

Long enough for you to get into that pick-up truck and lead the police on an exciting chase through the city and possibly suburbs before crashing into a private residence. If your injuries haven’t crippled you, be sure to make a run for it. Cops are fast, dogs are faster, but Meth can keep you moving even after your heart explodes.

________________________________________

LOG CABIN REPUBLICAN

Dear Beast,

Like your bretheren over at ArtVoice, you are all a bunch of liberal pussies.  However, I have a deep appreciation of your hate for Jamie Moses - keep up the good work.

Outty nerds,

James Kennedy

James,

If there is one thing we here at THE BEAST know, it’s that hate brings people together. Just watch “The 700 Club” for a verification of that fact. We could go off on an extended rant, but instead refer you to our correspondence with “Major Asshole.” Just for the record, James, we have no “brethren” over at  ArtVoice, just a bunch of people who hate us because they are told to. And a couple of spies.

_________________________________________

PEN PAL

Achtung Baby!

Ich ben eine fraushlander frucken bacher und Ja nein keiner fahrfungnugen necht. Gesprechen auch meine kampf sclanger banger (heh-heh) und munder bander frucken scluchen badfest in zeiner Volkswagon!  (!!!)  Ich das spiegel wolfhunds und ein frauclein bitte sich arbeitern auto bahn club knickerbockers BUFFALO BEAST schlugen barfen und shlen crappen in zie toilet! HA!

Zeig Heil!

Otto Schleggenfaster

Berlin, Germany

Guten Tag Otto,

Wenn Sie Deutsches wirklich sprechen konnten, wissen you'd, da wir Sie eine sinnlose Vergeudung von ho-hos anriefen. Stattdessen sitzen yopu, verkratzen Ihren Kopf und Schlagmann sich, bequem in der Illusion, die wir canÂ't sehen, da alles Sie alles tun und hren, das Sie sagen. Sie werden hoffnungslos gebumst.

_________________________________________

BUBBLE BOY

Sic—

Look.  You fucking guys know everything — right?

Can you answer a question that has tested man for at least 25,000 years?:  How can you lose your stash, fifteen lighters and a bong without ever having moved your ass, even so much as to go the fucking head. Where does all this shit go?

Allentown Earl 

ps When you guys gonna’ do that ALL REEFER ISSUE that I’ve heard about?

Earl,

A guy so wasted and useless that he doesn’t notice his coffee table being stolen while sitting in the room is concerned about when we are going to get around to doing something? Now that’s rich. Your stash is gone because you smoked it all with people pretending to be your friends and you smashed the bong on the wall when the Bourbon kicked in. As for your missing lighters, there is about nine of them stuck to your sweaty couch ridden back. Just used a prod of some kind to pry them out of your bedsores. You had better hope your legs haven’t atrophied too badly because the batteries in the remote are about to die.

_________________________________________

WELL-ADJUSTED

Okay, here goes!  Get ready for random thoughts and verbal abuse inflicted upon a fat chick, Reagan, and long-haired Bon Blow-Me rejects with personal ads***Fuck! Idiot, do you not know even Lars Al bitch cut his hair, stopped wearing frayed- leather ripped jeans, and Winger jerseys?  I thought ass pumpers like you died in 86 . At least I had hoped.  God, I hate when hope is shattered!  It’s okay you’re almost an antique. Maybe you’ll be worth five cents and a bottle of Poland spring. So don’t cry, Strawberry, there’s hope for you . And don’t get smart***I don’t want him.  I prefer pudgy, self-involved slightly dysfunctional jerks. Now to the reason I picked up your paper (cough, cough). I think it was the hell-beckoning Reagan front page that grabbed me. Gee golly, you forgot to thank him for increasing ketchup sales. I want to point out that chick wanting to care for sick children, that Twinkie-guzzling fatty, is trying to hoard your cabinets.  People, don’t let her in!  Get a real job, Fatty.  The kids need food to get better. Last, but not for shits sake least, thanks Norah for giving me the inspiration to have my cat put to sleep and give up my spinster bingo-dabbing dreams. I don’t want to grow up to be a cat molester. You’ve saved me from a life of shitty litter and puffing cat nip.  I read this newspaper cover to back and found everything in it quite interesting.  I’m sorry I missed the last 50.  I’ll gladly trade a dozen Krispies for them. Thanks for the giggles!

Cloie

Dear Cloie,

Usually one would have to hang around bus stops in order to get this level of pontification. We would like to take the time to address your commentary line by line but we ran out of Thorazine. We would be glad to provide you will all the back issues you want if you promise never to approach any of us publicly, especially at night while we are trying to unlock our car doors. There is a sneaking suspicion amongst THE BEAST staff that putting your cat to sleep did not involve illness or a veterinarian but simply you a bathtub and schizophrenia. Please see a doctor and let the paperboy go.

__________________________________________

HEMORRHAGENZA

Subject: Emergenza

First, as a member of local band involved in the emergenza contest finals, I agree completely with the notion that the contest was a complete financial scam, and somehow we involved were somehow were  drawn into this whole ridiculous mess by unfulfilled promises.  I do believe all of us realized too late that we were being fed crap all these weeks to sell tickets and to prepare for what we thought would be some unbiased, somewhat intelligent, and respected people in the music industry.  Most of the bands in this contest didn’t think they would be picked for the finals in Boston, but we fought threw they apparent farce of a contest to make the finals, expecting what emergenza had said about having out of the area record industry people as our jury, hoping to catch some break that way.  But to our great dismay, we were judged by a group of local nobodies partaking in the musical rat race just like the rest of us.  Regal Tip Drum Rep, did you hear his bands?  With all you said about no originality, we ironically have a drummer judging us who partakes in a run of the mill punk band, and some other stone temple pilots / BAD alice in chains rip off.

And you, Jony James BLUES BAND.  Hey, apparently no one told you,  but there is nothing remotely original about fast pentatonic scales and 1-4-5-1’s

Oh, who else do we have, Righteous Babe Records, oooh- you complain about us looking to be commercial,  did you listen to the sell out crap ani difranco turned to,  guess what - it sells records for her little record company.

Sorry to put you through so much trouble, and to take you away from your busy, important life of writing  6th grade whiny music reviews for Buffalo’s 2nd rate magazine—The Beast.

You all settled for a second rate city like Buffalo, NY to live in. expect your local bands to give you the reassurance that you did indeed deserve your second rate life by being what we all apparently know we are- rip offs, hacks, and no talents.  Try listening to our music and give us a real opinion, not some bull shit complaints because we wasted your Saturday night.  All the bands in emergenza put a lot into this contest because of false hopes and untrue promises,  and we all love what we do, and love music-  and an ass like you didn’t deserve to sit there and judge us,   because your pissed off you live in a shitty town, with a shitty job, and no one like what you write,  and why didn’t I get hired at the Washington Post You say,  I am such a good writer and music reviewer,  my grammar is perfect and I have accurate sources, and I can do a bibliography just greatly,  and all my teachers just loved my work. FUCK YOU.

Matthew Caya

Matthew,

We would rather work for a “2nd rate magazine” (newspaper actually) and live in a “second rate city” than spend even five seconds listening to quite possibly the shittiest band to have ever existed. I must be tough being hot shit around the Bar mitzvah circuit and then find out that outside of the fishbowl you’re just another guppie. Matt, your band would be lucky to make the cut as an opening act for Pauly Shore. Do us all a favor and start shooting massive amounts of heroin into your jugular vein; the gurgling sounds you make just before you bless the world with your absence will be the finest sound you’ve ever produced. Now that would be a bootleg worth having.

__________________________________________

RE-JOYCE

Dear sic,

Perhaps you can answer my questions.

1. Professor Kurtz: wife dies feds swoop in e coli grows feds spew bullshit everywhere educated world laughs at america again but prosecution continues. What the fuck?

2. Mary Kunz of the news writes ignorant coomentary saying we should follow her abusive father's advice and "sit down and shut up" because there's a war on and gets paid to write this rancid shit while probably wallowing in e coli herself the pig. What the fuck?

Did I mention Mary Kunz who is e coli smeared snout to stern reserves the right to deem parts of the constitution "petty". What the fuck?

3. I blame you i blame you for this very much i do what the fuck i said we need to do something but no what the fuck you said let's drink and whore what the fuck and seek slender sleek gazelles on chippewa what the fuck and i said i'll have scotch and you said let bush be bush what the fuck we'll protest tomorrow look at the flock of amherst angels that just came in what the fuck and they know all about periscopes in amherst what the fuck and i said what the fuck

yours,

in Christ,

Agnes Morehead

Agnes,

1. See page 8 of this issue.

2. Mary Kunz. Just sound out the name. Quite the punchline, really: Q: “What do weak-willed lonely bachelors do?”  A: “Mary Kunz.”

3. Your snot-green, scrotum-tightening prose reminds us of something; something particularly...boring. We seem to have blocked out the memory, but it had something to do with using barely decipherable symbolism as an excuse not to have your characters do anything. Enjoy your freedom from punctuation.

 

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