Features:
The Kerry Challenge - Al Uthman
Dying Quietly - Matt Taibbi
A Conversation About Nothing - Gabe Armstrong
The Allentown Terrorist - Lee Langenfeld
The Tet Defensive- Matt Taibbi
The Rapture Report!- George W's Guide to the Apocalyppse
Self-Diagnosis Chart for the Under-insured
White House Uses "Whatever" Defense Against 9/11 Panel - Josh Righter
BEAST Staff Forces Publisher to Run for Congress
Sports Blotter - Matt Taibbi
Deep Fried - Jason Youngbluth
Bob the Angry Flower - Stephen Notley
Unbalanced Load - Darren Longo
Like It Is - I. Gonzalez
Movies:
Music:
AudioFiles: Music is Art, Wilco, The Thermals
© 2004 The Beast
TV HIGHLIGHTS
Burning Less Calories Than Sleep
By Alan Permagrin
NBC: Monday 8pm – Fear Factor: Participants bail out en masses when asked to shake hands with Al Sharpton.
Monday 10pm – Who Wants to Marry My Dad? Seriously; because he’s starting to look at me funny.
Tuesday 10pm – Law, Order, and Repeated Forced Sodomy: Newly revamped 90 minute crime drama now includes third act detailing the story behind the sentence. As always, starring some ridiculously hot ADA chick.
Wednesday 12:30am – Late Night with Conan O’Brien: O’Brien is unable to regain his composure after attempting to introduce The Rock as an “actor.”
Saturday 11pm – The Worst of SNL: Starring Tim Meadows, Joe Piscopo, Tracy Morgan, Jimmy Fallon, Anthony Michael-Hall, and Chris Kattan. Featuring extra-long “It’s Pat” sketch. Is it a man or a woman? Gee, that never gets old…
Weekdays 4pm – Montel Williams: Montel’s sick fascination with the grim details of incest, child molestation, child hookers and rape continues, and so does yours, you sick freak. Presented as always in a safely disapproving manner.
CBS: CSI: Miami: David Caruso searches in vain for traces of the buzz that surrounded him before he ditched “NYPD Blue.”
Wednesday 9pm – The King of Queens: Fat Guy’s wife is rushed to hospital after her face is crushed under the weight of her own make-up.
Thursday 9pm – CSI: Buffalo: A big break comes in the form of a half-eaten steak hoagie. Oily fingerprints recovered from 44 oz Big Gulp cola.
Friday 8pm – Joan of Arcadia: Joan finally goes all the way with Jesus. Mature content.
ABC: Sunday 10pm – The Practice: Guest star Calista Flockhart and Lara Flynn Boyle pass too close to a ventilation shaft and are sucked into it. Boyle is saved when her ridiculously exaggerated collagen-inflated lips get stuck in the grate.
Wednesday 10pm – The Mole: Fascinating biography of Cindy Crawford’s upper lip.
Friday 8pm – George Lopez: George practices Magaret Cho-style “My show was cancelled because of racism, not my lack of funniness” lines for misguided NPR reports on the lack of diversity on TV.
Saturday 2pm – I’m Not Gay! I Swear! This week, host Tom Cruise trots out a string of former female conquests to verify that he did indeed have sex with them. Celebrity guests include Ron Reagan Jr. and National Security Advisor Condi Rice.
FOX: Wednesday 8pm – That ‘70s Show: Eric thanks God for the freak accident that left his parents unable to detect the scent of the reefer he and his friends smoke daily in his basement.
UPN: Tuesday 9pm – America’s Next Top Model: Host Tyra Banks instructs contestant on proper vomiting technique and the importance of acting like a total bitch. The girls take turns flirting with prominent non-gay fashion designers—both of them.
Thursday 8pm – WWE SmackDown!: Entire arena is blown up, killing whole audience and all wrestlers, to the consternation of no one at all.
WB: Tuesday 10pm – Blind Date: Brain-dead jock is initially upset to find that his bimbo date is actually blind. Later, he realizes that he can actually expose himself to her for the duration of the date, and things pick up a little.
Thursday 8pm – Pepsi Smash: The Hives get all punky for Pepsi. Snoop gets all street. For Pepsi. Make sure to go buy a case of Coke if you watch this shit.
PBS: Whenever – NOW With Bill Moyers: Bill finally freaks out and starts shaking people in the street, yelling “why won’t you listen to me? WHY?”
Sometime – Zoboomafoo: Cheeseball hosts are finally killed by wild animals enraged by their asinine speaking voices.
CABLE HIGHLIGHTS
Bravo: Thursday 9pm – Celebrity Poker Showdown: Jovial cast of lame celebrities scramble to restrain former “Kids in the Hall” and “News Radio” star Dave Foley as he attempts suicide, shouting “I want to be as dead as my career!”
CNN: Monday 6pm – TV Press Feedback Loop: Charlie Rose conducts exciting Interview with Larry King about the exciting interview King conducted with Dan Rather about the exciting interview Rather conducted with Bill Clinton. Followed by exciting interview of Rose by Chris Matthews, during which several crew and audience members suffer cranial explosions.
The Ronald Reagan Funeral Network: Thursday all day – Day 26: The Gip really starts to stink in earnest. Celebrity mourners include Danny Bonnaducci, Hal Sparks, Some asshole from “Survivor,” Simon Cowell, the dog from “Frasier,” and Richard Nixon’s corpse, exhumed specifically for this event. It’s so beautiful!
Cartoon Network: Weeknights 11pm – Futurama: In the future cartoons will not be funny.
Weeknights 12am – Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Educational program about the debilitating mental effects of prolonged narcotics abuse.
Comedy Central: Weekdays 7pm – The Daily Show: The new standard-bearer of credibility in television news. I wish I was joking; I really do.
VH-1: Tuesday 6pm – Top 100 Excuses to show Tits and Ass: Hosted by Jessica Simpson’s Tits and Christina Aguilera’s ass.
Wednesday 7pm – VH-1 Movies That Suck: Striptease, featuring Demi Moore as the world’s least sexy stripper. What the hell is the point of showing this movie, which was only made as an excuse to show Moore’s tits, without the tits? I guess it was cheaper than Avenging Disco Godfather. Next week: Avenging Disco Godfather.
FX: Tuesday 8pm – The Shield: Scary bald guy sticks his gun in someone else’s mouth and yells at them. Again. Then goes home and does it to his wife.
Tuesday 10pm – Nip/Tuck: Who gives a shit about this show?
Sci-Fi: Wednesday 10pm – Scare Tactics: Host Shannon Dougherty frightens the crap out of unsuspecting victims with her lopsided face and abrasive personality.
Thursday 11pm – The X-Files: Mulder returns to search for a decent movie role; Scully kicks his ass for screwing up her meal ticket.
TBS: Tuesday 9pm – Outback Jack: Twelve worthless bitches educate an Australian about why the U.S must be stopped. Rated I for idiot. If you can’t wait for this show, try bashing your skull in with a rock.
Wednesday 8pm – The City: Formerly “Sex and the City.”
MTV: Friday 9pm – The Really Real World: Starving cast members are evicted from posh and spacious apartment and forced to take demeaning, low-paying dead end jobs just to make rent at their new roach-infested shithole. Spoiled bitches go back home to their parents.