Panel Finds No Link Between Bin Laden And Iraq; White House Uses "Whatever"
by Josh Righter
The independent commission investigating the attacks
of September 11th, 2001 (also known as the "9/11 panel")
concluded Wednesday that despite previous White House assertions to
the contrary, including those made by President Bush himself, no significant
connection exists between the attackers, including Osama bin Laden,
The White House, in response, has issued a statement
many are characterizing as the "whatever" defense.
"We have heard what the September 11th panel said
about the Iraq/al-Qaida connection," White House spokesman Scott
McClellan said, rolling his eyes. "You know, whatever. Whatever,
9/11 commission. You guys are lame, anyway."
When asked if the White House planned on citing facts
or releasing reports to validate their viewpoints and disprove the
commission, McClellan said he "seriously wasn't going to get
"I ain't messing around with those fools,"
he said, holding up one finger and shaking his head from side to side
in a fearsome manner. "Whatever. Whatever. All ya'll in
the 9/11 commission, ya'll are pissing us off in here."
Vice President Dick Cheney, who as recently as last
Monday had cited a meeting between one of the 9/11 hijackers and a
senior Iraqi intelligence official that was ruled on Wednesday by
the 9/11 panel to never have occurred, offered more of a specific
rebuttal within the confines of the whatever defense.
"I never said they were meeting because
of September 11th," he said. "I just implied they
were, and gave the American public every reason to think they
were, and used that implication in the justification of the
Iraq war, that's all. Christ, this country needs to get off my back
a little bit, here."
"But you know what?" he added. "Whatever.
That's what I have to say to the 9/11 panel. Commissioner Jamie Gorelick,
Commission Chariman Thomas Kean, Vice Chairman Lee Hamilton...whatever
to all of you."
Secretary of State Colin Powell jumped in on the defensive,
using a variant of the original word.
"Whatev," he said in reference to the panel.
"Seriously, that's all I gotta say. Whatev. No respect for the
Powell then turned to Bush, who was standing behind
him with a loaded gun, and whispered, "How much longer to I have
to do this, for God's sake? My soul is starting to hurt."
When polled, 97% of Americans said they believed the
White House's rebuff against the panel brought up "a good point".
"The 9/11 people are just trying to look out for
our best interests, and say we might have been lied to, and I appreciate
that," said one woman. "But when I hear Mr. Bush say to
them, 'Whatever,' I know in my heart that he was telling the truth.
I mean, really, that's a very sound argument."
"That's exactly what I say to my damn liberal friend
when he tries to tell me that we should be pursuing alternate fuels
instead of concentrating all of our energies on the pursuit of oil,
since the supply is finite and will run out one day," said another
woman excitedly. "I just roll my eyes and say, 'Becky, whatever.'
I'm glad to see me and the White House are on the same wavelength."
The 9/11 panel is
expected to issue another report this Wednesday in response to the
White House, entitled, "Oh No You Didn't."
Josh Righter is Head Honcho at enduringvision.com,
“a webpage of satire, and also love.”