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2004 The Beast


9/11 Panel Finds No Link Between Bin Laden And Iraq; White House Uses "Whatever" Defense
by Josh Righter

The independent commission investigating the attacks of September 11th, 2001 (also known as the "9/11 panel") concluded Wednesday that despite previous White House assertions to the contrary, including those made by President Bush himself, no significant connection exists between the attackers, including Osama bin Laden, and Iraq.

The White House, in response, has issued a statement many are characterizing as the "whatever" defense.

"We have heard what the September 11th panel said about the Iraq/al-Qaida connection," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, rolling his eyes. "You know, whatever. Whatever, 9/11 commission. You guys are lame, anyway."

When asked if the White House planned on citing facts or releasing reports to validate their viewpoints and disprove the commission, McClellan said he "seriously wasn't going to get into it."

"I ain't messing around with those fools," he said, holding up one finger and shaking his head from side to side in a fearsome manner. "Whatever. Whatever. All ya'll in the 9/11 commission, ya'll are pissing us off in here."

Vice President Dick Cheney, who as recently as last Monday had cited a meeting between one of the 9/11 hijackers and a senior Iraqi intelligence official that was ruled on Wednesday by the 9/11 panel to never have occurred, offered more of a specific rebuttal within the confines of the whatever defense.

"I never said they were meeting because of September 11th," he said. "I just implied they were, and gave the American public every reason to think they were, and used that implication in the justification of the Iraq war, that's all. Christ, this country needs to get off my back a little bit, here."

"But you know what?" he added. "Whatever. That's what I have to say to the 9/11 panel. Commissioner Jamie Gorelick, Commission Chariman Thomas Kean, Vice Chairman Lee Hamilton...whatever to all of you."

Secretary of State Colin Powell jumped in on the defensive, using a variant of the original word.

"Whatev," he said in reference to the panel. "Seriously, that's all I gotta say. Whatev. No respect for the 9/11 panel."

Powell then turned to Bush, who was standing behind him with a loaded gun, and whispered, "How much longer to I have to do this, for God's sake? My soul is starting to hurt."

When polled, 97% of Americans said they believed the White House's rebuff against the panel brought up "a good point".

"The 9/11 people are just trying to look out for our best interests, and say we might have been lied to, and I appreciate that," said one woman. "But when I hear Mr. Bush say to them, 'Whatever,' I know in my heart that he was telling the truth. I mean, really, that's a very sound argument."

"That's exactly what I say to my damn liberal friend when he tries to tell me that we should be pursuing alternate fuels instead of concentrating all of our energies on the pursuit of oil, since the supply is finite and will run out one day," said another woman excitedly. "I just roll my eyes and say, 'Becky, whatever.' I'm glad to see me and the White House are on the same wavelength."

The 9/11 panel is expected to issue another report this Wednesday in response to the White House, entitled, "Oh No You Didn't."

Josh Righter is Head Honcho at enduringvision.com, a webpage of satire, and also love.

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