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2004 The Beast

Powell Finally Loses It

Secretary of State Suffers Catastrophic Breakdown, Performs "YMCA"

by Josh Righter

At the end of an annual security meeting in Jakarta, Indonesia, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell donned a yellow hardhat and belted out a version of the Village People's classic "YMCA", singing and dancing along with other U.S. officials dressed up to represent other members of the band.

But although it is "tradition" that the annual meeting be concluded with singing and dancing from foreign diplomats, sources close to Powell claim that tradition had nothing to do with the "gruesome, frightening" display.

"I don't think Colin knew anything about the tradition," said one anonymous friend. "He snapped. He would've gone right on singing and dancing no matter if it was at this meeting or a White House press conference."

Claims that Powell's performance had nothing to do with tradition were further validated by his actions after the song concluded, when he placed a portion of turkey from the dinner table on his head and announced he was "Lex Luther, Queen of the Shit."

"Weapons of mass donkeys, fucking shit!" Powell shouted as other ambassadors looked nervously at their feet. "Don't tell me what to say, I'll eat a paper clip and skin the cat!"

One ambassador said that he was unsure if Powell's "bizarre" behavior was "some kind of American custom".

"I kept my interest and composure through the song and dance, and even the swearing," the ambassador said. "But when Mr. Powell created what he called a 'war plan' out of cranberry sauce and then rolled around in it, sobbing uncontrollably, I began to wonder if perhaps his behavior was abnormal, even for an American."

But the allegations that Powell has lost his sanity are not just based on his performance at the meeting; they are corroborated by insider reports that he has had a difficult time saying and doing many of the duties requested of him by the Bush administration due to their "questionable nature".

"From Colin refusing to read some of a speech to the UN security council due to him doubting its validity -- he even called it 'bullshit, if I remember correctly -- to reports of him being despondent about being removed from the war plan for Iraq, Powell has just not been a happy guy these past four years," the source said. "There's only so much a guy can take, and I think Colin's had about that amount."

"Being a relative moderate in the face of such an ideological administration must be a really difficult strain," added another friend of Powell's. "If I had to go to work every day with Dick Cheney and George W. Bush and have them try to get me to say things I didn't want to...well, heck, I think I would smear a little pudding over my cheeks and arms and dance around for a while, too."

But although suspicions of Powell's growing madness were present, few, if any, of his friends expected his eventual mental breakdown to be so severe, and at such an inopportune time.

"I kind of expected him to just start crying on his wife's shoulder at some point at home, or something like that," said a friend. "I really never would've guessed he would begin singing an old Village People song at a security meeting in Asia. That's just really strange."

"I wonder if this means he's gay, since pretty much all the Village People were supposed to be pretty gay," pondered another close friend to Powell. "I guess that would be just another trouble spot between him and the rest of the Bush administration."

In an interview following the scene at the meeting, however, Powell strongly denied any homosexuality or "any other form of craziness".

"I'm fine, and I'd like to strongly reaffirm my allegiance to the Bush...to the Bush...oh fuck me in the fuck, I can't say this shit!" Powell shrieked, attempted to rip his own arm off and beat a nearby cameraman with it. "I'm crazy, they're crazy...WE'RE ALL NUTS!"


Josh Righter is Head Honcho at enduringvision.com, a webpage of satire, and also love.


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