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2004 The Beast

 

BEAST-O-SCOPES


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

 Cancer, are you still waiting by the phone for him to call? Please stop being a human cliche and leave the house for a while. Just accept the fact that he is not going to call you. I know you don't want to feel used, and a phone call would alleviate that embarrassment you feel about giving him a hand-job next to his Honda in the parking lot, but it's not going to happen. You need to pick yourself up, wash your hands of the matter (no pun intended) and then get on with your life. In fact, I would like to invite you to a little party over at my place. Just a few good friends, a few bottles of wine and some good conversation. So come on by Cancer; I would like you to see my corn oil collection.


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

 I have to ask you a question, Leo. Does it make you feel special when you're in your squad car and you turn on the flashers just so you can go through the red light without waiting like the rest of us civilians? I would really like to know. Because to be quite honest, it makes the police look fascist and corrupt. It signals to the citizens that pay your salary and who you are supposed to "Protect and Serve" that the cops are willing to enforce the law on others but are above it themselves. Please understand that a little hypocrisy goes a long way. Just a little food for thought…pig.


 Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

  Listen Virgo, everyone has different ways of expressing their dissatisfaction with life and career, but taking a dump in the ground beef used to make meatloaf for the school lunch indicates a little more than general melancholy. I would say that it's time for a little vacation far away from any sort of kitchen or cafeteria. You need some time to re-think your life/career choices. Truth be told, once the school security personnel review the cafeteria tapes, you may have little choice in the matter. Virgo, please listen to what I am saying, and pray the cameras didn't catch what you did to the gravy.


 Libra (September 23 - October 22)

  I know you thought it would be funny to mimic the "Jack-Ass" movie scene and shoot bottle rockets out of your ass, Libra, but you should have paid more attention to the fact that the idea was to launch them out of the ass rather than in. That would have spared you the third degree burns on your colon and permanent loss of sphincter control. Honestly, your version of the gag was far more humorous than the one shown in the movie, but you understand that one must suffer for their art. Mercury is on the rise for you Libra, so let it be known that you are truly a jackass.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

  Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio, how many times do you have to be told not to eat frozen tacos the night before a big date? You know as well as I do that those goddamned things should come with a six-pack of toilet paper and a newspaper. There is not a car in existence that has enough windows you can roll down to rid the vehicle of the uncontrollable gaseous stench emanating from your body. That poor girl actually bought a new dress for the big date and now she has to throw it out because it smells worse than a public bathroom in a fourteenth century ghetto. Did you really have to eat three of those things? The next time you have a date, Scorpio, try to think things through and eat a salad.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

 You deserve to be alone, you dumb bastard.

 

 


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

  A lot of people collect things, Capricorn, you just happen to collect freeloading deadbeats. Sure, they are personable people, but they will drain you of every resource (physical, mental and financial) you have. The next time one of them asks you for a favor, tell them to eat shit and get a job. Your belief in the inherent decency of all people does not take into account the degenerative condition of the human race. It's time to hunker down and spend a little time putting your own life together before trying to help others with their bullshit. With that said, Capricorn, I would like to borrow five dollars.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

 Aquarius, the next time you forward me a chain letter that you received via e-mail I am going to come to your house, chain you to your desk and throw you in the river. Every time I open an e-mail from you I wish I had just deleted the damn thing outright. Please heed this warning Aquarius, for if you don't you will be wishing you had gills. If you want to stay in touch, pick up the phone or write a sentence or two, but please restrain yourself from sharing your electronic garbage with me. After all, only a damn retard fears chain letters and I really don't want to have to think of you that way. Look to Jupiter, and please pass on this message to at least twenty-five people or else something really, really bad will happen to you. Just like it did to Sam Rosen of Raleigh, North Carolina.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, every morning I watch you steal our neighbor's issue of the New York Times from his porch. I know that the Buffalo News sucks, but that is no excuse for being such an asshole. You could at least let the poor bastard get the Sunday edition. Be warned, if I see you do it there must be other witnesses, and your little crime spree will come to an ugly end that results in a small claims lawsuit and uncomfortable confrontations every time you mow the lawn. Get your own damn subscription, asshead, and show a little consideration for your fellow man. If not I will have to send an anonymous package containing some photos I have been taking for the last couple of months. Look to Pluto for guidance, Pisces and stop being such a piece of shit.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Listen Aries, everybody kills nurses; it's a simply fact of life. Not everyone makes them into musical instruments, but you sir, are an artist. I know it, you know it and believe it or not, the police know it. That's why I want you to go down to the nearest Police Station and explain your "art" to them. After you've told them everything, ask them over to your "studio" so you can play them some of your newest mixes. Venus is on the rise for you, Aries, and that means you need to go and share your gifts. The stars concur that it is very important that you do this before executing plans for the Oboe.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

 You are a loser, Taurus. There is simply now way around that fact. No matter what car you drive, what clothes you wear or what vacuous trophy women you have on your arm, you will always be a loser. Everyone that meets you simply knows it within moments, because the reptilian part of the human brain immediately identifies you as a loser and initiates the body's fight or flight mechanism. You're not a threat so much as an incredible waste of time and energy. Please don't act surprised, Taurus; even your dog knows you are a total loser. For God's sake, he's run away nine times, and is willing to risk starvation and the long sleep at the pound just to be away from you. Your moon is in Saturn, Taurus, so do everyone a favor and spend the day alone.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

  I don't have too much for you, Gemini. To be honest, I have been a little busy with my own life to give much of a shit about yours. That includes the two days I stayed home and did nothing but watch TV and masturbate. So, Gemini, all I can say is look to Neptune and stay away from large quantities of water.




 

 

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