BEAST-O-SCOPES
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Cancer,
are you still waiting by the phone for him to call? Please stop being
a human cliche and leave the house for a while. Just accept the fact
that he is not going to call you. I know you don't want to feel used,
and a phone call would alleviate that embarrassment you feel about
giving him a hand-job next to his Honda in the parking lot, but it's
not going to happen. You need to pick yourself up, wash your hands
of the matter (no pun intended) and then get on with your life. In
fact, I would like to invite you to a little party over at my place.
Just a few good friends, a few bottles of wine and some good conversation.
So come on by Cancer; I would like you to see my corn oil collection.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
I
have to ask you a question, Leo. Does it make you feel special when
you're in your squad car and you turn on the flashers just so you
can go through the red light without waiting like the rest of us civilians?
I would really like to know. Because to be quite honest, it makes
the police look fascist and corrupt. It signals to the citizens that
pay your salary and who you are supposed to "Protect and Serve"
that the cops are willing to enforce the law on others but are above
it themselves. Please understand that a little hypocrisy goes a long
way. Just a little food for thought…pig.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
Listen Virgo, everyone has different ways of expressing
their dissatisfaction with life and career, but taking a dump in the
ground beef used to make meatloaf for the school lunch indicates a
little more than general melancholy. I would say that it's time for
a little vacation far away from any sort of kitchen or cafeteria.
You need some time to re-think your life/career choices. Truth be
told, once the school security personnel review the cafeteria tapes,
you may have little choice in the matter. Virgo, please listen to
what I am saying, and pray the cameras didn't catch what you did to
the gravy.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
I know you thought it would be funny to mimic the "Jack-Ass"
movie scene and shoot bottle rockets out of your ass, Libra, but you
should have paid more attention to the fact that the idea was to launch
them out of the ass rather than in. That would have spared you the
third degree burns on your colon and permanent loss of sphincter control.
Honestly, your version of the gag was far more humorous than the one
shown in the movie, but you understand that one must suffer for their
art. Mercury is on the rise for you Libra, so let it be known that
you are truly a jackass.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 22)
Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio, how many times do you have to be told
not to eat frozen tacos the night before a big date? You know as well
as I do that those goddamned things should come with a six-pack of
toilet paper and a newspaper. There is not a car in existence that
has enough windows you can roll down to rid the vehicle of the uncontrollable
gaseous stench emanating from your body. That poor girl actually bought
a new dress for the big date and now she has to throw it out because
it smells worse than a public bathroom in a fourteenth century ghetto.
Did you really have to eat three of those things? The next time you
have a date, Scorpio, try to think things through and eat a salad.
Sagittarius
(November 23 - December 21)
You
deserve to be alone, you dumb bastard.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
A lot of people collect things, Capricorn, you just happen to
collect freeloading deadbeats. Sure, they are personable people, but
they will drain you of every resource (physical, mental and financial)
you have. The next time one of them asks you for a favor, tell them
to eat shit and get a job. Your belief in the inherent decency of
all people does not take into account the degenerative condition of
the human race. It's time to hunker down and spend a little time putting
your own life together before trying to help others with their bullshit.
With that said, Capricorn, I would like to borrow five dollars.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 19)
Aquarius,
the next time you forward me a chain letter that you received via
e-mail I am going to come to your house, chain you to your desk and
throw you in the river. Every time I open an e-mail from you I wish
I had just deleted the damn thing outright. Please heed this warning
Aquarius, for if you don't you will be wishing you had gills. If you
want to stay in touch, pick up the phone or write a sentence or two,
but please restrain yourself from sharing your electronic garbage
with me. After all, only a damn retard fears chain letters and I really
don't want to have to think of you that way. Look to Jupiter, and
please pass on this message to at least twenty-five people or else
something really, really bad will happen to you. Just like it did
to Sam Rosen of Raleigh, North Carolina.
Pisces
(February 20 - March 20)
Pisces,
every morning I watch you steal our neighbor's issue of the New York
Times from his porch. I know that the Buffalo News sucks, but that
is no excuse for being such an asshole. You could at least let the
poor bastard get the Sunday edition. Be warned, if I see you do it
there must be other witnesses, and your little crime spree will come
to an ugly end that results in a small claims lawsuit and uncomfortable
confrontations every time you mow the lawn. Get your own damn subscription,
asshead, and show a little consideration for your fellow man. If not
I will have to send an anonymous package containing some photos I
have been taking for the last couple of months. Look to Pluto for
guidance, Pisces and stop being such a piece of shit.
Aries
(March 21 - April 20)
Listen
Aries, everybody kills nurses; it's a simply fact of life. Not everyone
makes them into musical instruments, but you sir, are an artist. I
know it, you know it and believe it or not, the police know it. That's
why I want you to go down to the nearest Police Station and explain
your "art" to them. After you've told them everything, ask
them over to your "studio" so you can play them some of
your newest mixes. Venus is on the rise for you, Aries, and that means
you need to go and share your gifts. The stars concur that it is very
important that you do this before executing plans for the Oboe.
Taurus
(April 21 - May 20)
You
are a loser, Taurus. There is simply now way around that fact. No
matter what car you drive, what clothes you wear or what vacuous trophy
women you have on your arm, you will always be a loser. Everyone that
meets you simply knows it within moments, because the reptilian part
of the human brain immediately identifies you as a loser and initiates
the body's fight or flight mechanism. You're not a threat so much
as an incredible waste of time and energy. Please don't act surprised,
Taurus; even your dog knows you are a total loser. For God's sake,
he's run away nine times, and is willing to risk starvation and the
long sleep at the pound just to be away from you. Your moon is in
Saturn, Taurus, so do everyone a favor and spend the day alone.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
I don't have too much for you, Gemini. To be honest, I
have been a little busy with my own life to give much of a shit about
yours. That includes the two days I stayed home and did nothing but
watch TV and masturbate. So, Gemini, all I can say is look to Neptune
and stay away from large quantities of water.
