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The Lottery Nobody Wins: The New Draft - Eric Gauchat

ABC of Opportunism: Betrayed in Haiti - Stan Goff

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Greens Wave the White Flag: Not Crashing the Party- Matt Taibbi


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2004 The Beast

BEAST-O-SCOPES


Leo (July 23 - August 22)

C'mon Leo, when is the last time anyone took you seriously? Do you honestly think wearing the good shirt and tie to work will suddenly produce the effect you so desire? Just accept the fact that you have filled the world around you with so much bullshit for so many years that no one will ever apply even a microbe of credibility to anything you do or say. The deep, crap-filled hole you've made for yourself is probably going to be your greatest accomplishment in life, unless of course a marketing firm finally takes notice of you. Then and only then will you shine. Other than that, Leo, just try to grasp the concept that you can't polish a turd.


 Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

  I have to be totally honest with you, Virgo; your mom to totally hot. The reason we all hang out at your parents' house so much is stare at her and hope that one day she craves the forbidden love of younger men. We certainly don't come over to play darts in your basement. I just want you to know that, though I can't speak for the others, I can personally guarantee that, whatever happens, I have the highest level of respect for your mother. Oh, and tell your dad that the boys and I have talked it over and would be glad to help him install the new hot tub.


 Libra (September 23 - October 22)

 Libra, I would really like to devote more time to your astrological reading but there are a lot of fucking readings for me to deal with. Regardless of what you might think, this shit isn't easy, and that asshole Aries took longer to deal with than I expected. Anyway, your moon is in Saturn or Jupiter and you might come into some money soon. Of course that is totally dependant on whether or not you get off your lazy ass and get a job. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some work to do.


Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

  Hey Scorpio, you will never believe who called me yesterday. That's right, Virgo's mom. She wants me to help her "move some furniture" this weekend because Virgo and dad will be away on a camping excursion. The only thing I can guarantee you is that some furniture will in fact be moving. Dude, this is it; four years of patient planning has come to fruition. Why did she call me first, you ask? Well, just look at me. That, and she may have overhead my "silent" complaints on the hardships of having an enormous penis. By the time she discovers the truth, it will be far too late to change her mind. C'est la vie, Scorpio.


Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

 God, am I tired of hearing about your shit Sagittarius. Me, me, me, me, me, I, I, I, I, I, blah-blah etc. I am going to let you in on a little secret, no one cares about you at all. In fact if your body were to be found broken and bloated in a gutter, there is a good chance no one would even want to spend the time it takes to identify it for the police. That's just how it is, Sagittarius, and I'm sorry that you need to find out this way, but that is just the way the cookie crumbles or some other cliché you are not even worthy of. Anyways, look to Pluto, because no one gives a shit about Pluto, either.


Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

  Capricorn my friend, before you go off on another tirade about your inability to climb out from under all those credit card bills, just take a moment to think about the asshead you were to sign up for a series of cards with a 24.99% interest rate. Just so you know, the only reason that the interest rate isn't higher is that 25% and above is considered usury and is a federal offense. So when you really pull it apart, you are the real asshole in this situation. Credit card companies beat off to people like you. Think about that the next time you are pretending not to be yourself on the phone…They know it's you Capricorn, they know.


 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

 Aquarius, you are thirty-three years old, live in your parent's house and your greatest accomplishment in life is your ability to do a kick-ass paint job on Gundam models. We all know, because it's all you ever talk about. Now ask yourself again why you haven't had a girlfriend in eight and a half years. The answer is not one you want to hear. Look, Aquarius, hobbies are fine so long as they are hobbies. When it becomes a non-income-generating way of life, you are missing the point. Look to Neptune for guidance, Aquarius. In fact I would be happy if you'd just put the airbrush down and just looked out a window.


Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

I had thought by now you would have done something about that rusted, unregistered shitbox that has been parked in your driveway for seven months, Pisces. For the love of Christ, just call the junkyard and they will come take it for free. If the bird's nest in the engine compartment is any indicator, I don't think she'll be road worthy again. Please, I am begging you; remove that eyesore from the block and restore my property value. When you do so, maybe those threatening phone calls will stop. In fact, I know they will.


Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aries, you shit eating, rat-faced buffoon. My contempt for your foul being runs so deep that light cannot penetrate the darkness. People like you are the reason that people like me move into cabins hidden deep inside remote uninhabited parcels of land. Nothing of value has ever come from your existence and the odds are that nothing ever will. Most people who know you understand all too well that you are the living embodiment of societal decay. Everything about you is an affront to the advancement of humanity, including your taste in music. Unfortunately Aries, I need to borrow your lawnmower every week…At least until I can afford the cabin and lots of stamps.


Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

 Taurus, do you really think that giant fin you mounted to the back of your Ford Focus makes you more appealing to others? If that stupid noise-boosting exhaust package and neon kit didn't have an effect, I doubt the fin will help. What would help is if you read a book once in a while and stopped feeding all the terrible corporate-driven trends that are destroying the middle class. Stop being part of the problem, Taurus, and wake up from the deep media-induced haze you have been living in. You might actually get laid.


 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

  I have been thinking about you a lot this week, Gemini. More to the point, I've been thinking about those large black garbage bags I saw you loading into the trunk of your Saab at 3:17am last Wednesday morning. You weren't gone that long, but you were all wet when you came back from your little drive. Add that to the fact that I haven't seen your wife doing her usual gardening, and you might say my imagination has been having a little jam session of sorts. How long will it be, Gemini, before the "My wife is visiting relatives" alibi starts to crumble? One week? Two? Either way I'll be able to watch the Six O' Clock news right from my front steps.


Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

 Slow down there, Cancer, not all women want to see your genitals, especially when they are pressed up against a bus window. You need to remember that there is a reason you are supposed to take all of those pills (the red ones in particular). So please, Cancer, zip up and go get those refills from the pharmacy before the Transit Police have to pretend they are real cops. They love when that happens.





 

 

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