BEAST-O-SCOPES
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
C'mon
Leo, when is the last time anyone took you seriously? Do you honestly
think wearing the good shirt and tie to work will suddenly produce
the effect you so desire? Just accept the fact that you have filled
the world around you with so much bullshit for so many years that
no one will ever apply even a microbe of credibility to anything you
do or say. The deep, crap-filled hole you've made for yourself is
probably going to be your greatest accomplishment in life, unless
of course a marketing firm finally takes notice of you. Then and only
then will you shine. Other than that, Leo, just try to grasp the concept
that you can't polish a turd.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
I have to be totally honest with you, Virgo; your mom to
totally hot. The reason we all hang out at your parents' house so
much is stare at her and hope that one day she craves the forbidden
love of younger men. We certainly don't come over to play darts in
your basement. I just want you to know that, though I can't speak
for the others, I can personally guarantee that, whatever happens,
I have the highest level of respect for your mother. Oh, and tell
your dad that the boys and I have talked it over and would be glad
to help him install the new hot tub.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Libra,
I would really like to devote more time to your astrological reading
but there are a lot of fucking readings for me to deal with. Regardless
of what you might think, this shit isn't easy, and that asshole Aries
took longer to deal with than I expected. Anyway, your moon is in
Saturn or Jupiter and you might come into some money soon. Of course
that is totally dependant on whether or not you get off your lazy
ass and get a job. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some work to
do.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 22)
Hey Scorpio, you will never believe who called me yesterday. That's
right, Virgo's mom. She wants me to help her "move some furniture"
this weekend because Virgo and dad will be away on a camping excursion.
The only thing I can guarantee you is that some furniture will in
fact be moving. Dude, this is it; four years of patient planning has
come to fruition. Why did she call me first, you ask? Well, just look
at me. That, and she may have overhead my "silent" complaints
on the hardships of having an enormous penis. By the time she discovers
the truth, it will be far too late to change her mind. C'est la vie,
Scorpio.
Sagittarius
(November 23 - December 21)
God,
am I tired of hearing about your shit Sagittarius. Me, me, me, me,
me, I, I, I, I, I, blah-blah etc. I am going to let you in on a little
secret, no one cares about you at all. In fact if your body were to
be found broken and bloated in a gutter, there is a good chance no
one would even want to spend the time it takes to identify it for
the police. That's just how it is, Sagittarius, and I'm sorry that
you need to find out this way, but that is just the way the cookie
crumbles or some other cliché you are not even worthy of. Anyways,
look to Pluto, because no one gives a shit about Pluto, either.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Capricorn my friend, before you go off on another tirade about
your inability to climb out from under all those credit card bills,
just take a moment to think about the asshead you were to sign up
for a series of cards with a 24.99% interest rate. Just so you know,
the only reason that the interest rate isn't higher is that 25% and
above is considered usury and is a federal offense. So when you really
pull it apart, you are the real asshole in this situation. Credit
card companies beat off to people like you. Think about that the next
time you are pretending not to be yourself on the phone…They
know it's you Capricorn, they know.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 19)
Aquarius,
you are thirty-three years old, live in your parent's house and your
greatest accomplishment in life is your ability to do a kick-ass paint
job on Gundam models. We all know, because it's all you ever talk
about. Now ask yourself again why you haven't had a girlfriend in
eight and a half years. The answer is not one you want to hear. Look,
Aquarius, hobbies are fine so long as they are hobbies. When it becomes
a non-income-generating way of life, you are missing the point. Look
to Neptune for guidance, Aquarius. In fact I would be happy if you'd
just put the airbrush down and just looked out a window.
Pisces
(February 20 - March 20)
I
had thought by now you would have done something about that rusted,
unregistered shitbox that has been parked in your driveway for seven
months, Pisces. For the love of Christ, just call the junkyard and
they will come take it for free. If the bird's nest in the engine
compartment is any indicator, I don't think she'll be road worthy
again. Please, I am begging you; remove that eyesore from the block
and restore my property value. When you do so, maybe those threatening
phone calls will stop. In fact, I know they will.
Aries
(March 21 - April 20)
Aries,
you shit eating, rat-faced buffoon. My contempt for your foul being
runs so deep that light cannot penetrate the darkness. People like
you are the reason that people like me move into cabins hidden deep
inside remote uninhabited parcels of land. Nothing of value has ever
come from your existence and the odds are that nothing ever will.
Most people who know you understand all too well that you are the
living embodiment of societal decay. Everything about you is an affront
to the advancement of humanity, including your taste in music. Unfortunately
Aries, I need to borrow your lawnmower every week…At least until
I can afford the cabin and lots of stamps.
Taurus
(April 21 - May 20)
Taurus,
do you really think that giant fin you mounted to the back of your
Ford Focus makes you more appealing to others? If that stupid noise-boosting
exhaust package and neon kit didn't have an effect, I doubt the fin
will help. What would help is if you read a book once in a while and
stopped feeding all the terrible corporate-driven trends that are
destroying the middle class. Stop being part of the problem, Taurus,
and wake up from the deep media-induced haze you have been living
in. You might actually get laid.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
I have been thinking about you a lot this week, Gemini.
More to the point, I've been thinking about those large black garbage
bags I saw you loading into the trunk of your Saab at 3:17am last
Wednesday morning. You weren't gone that long, but you were all wet
when you came back from your little drive. Add that to the fact that
I haven't seen your wife doing her usual gardening, and you might
say my imagination has been having a little jam session of sorts.
How long will it be, Gemini, before the "My wife is visiting
relatives" alibi starts to crumble? One week? Two? Either way
I'll be able to watch the Six O' Clock news right from my front steps.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Slow
down there, Cancer, not all women want to see your genitals, especially
when they are pressed up against a bus window. You need to remember
that there is a reason you are supposed to take all of those pills
(the red ones in particular). So please, Cancer, zip up and go get
those refills from the pharmacy before the Transit Police have to
pretend they are real cops. They love when that happens.
