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2004 The Beast

 

 

your letters


WHINING WOLF

I really think you should listen to a band before telling your readers they are "the shittiest band to have ever existed" ["sic", BEAST # 52]. It's poor journalism, you sound like you're in fifth grade and you are depriving Hanson of their title. Listen to our music and give intelligent reasons why you like or dislike it..."They picked on one of my writers" doesn't count.
Listen to Hesperus at www.hesperuscock.com
-William Wolf

Dear William,
How about "they picked on one of our writers, our home town, our paper, and our local musicians, plus their music is boring as hell?" You're right, really; we overstated the case when we said your band is the shittiest ever; probably the defining characteristic of your tunes is how wholly unremarkable they are. Being the worst would at least give your work some meaning. Of course, even Hansen has their fans.


CORDIAL CANUCK

Hey Matt,
I'm curious to learn more about The BEAST. I recently read your exile book and I was amazed. Your chapters on the Harvard Institute for International Development, Jonathan Hay, and Chubais etc. were unreal. It was some of the best journalism I've come across: raw and honest. You call it like you see it.
The reason for this e-mail is that I think that The BEAST is one of the best papers ever. Canadian journalism is all so safe and politically correct it makes me want to vomit. Have you ever seen your Toronto counterparts: Now and Eye? Whining wet-blanket rags! Reading most Canadian newspapers - be they free or subscribed - I get the impression that the articles are merely filler between advertisements. Thus the journalism tends to be safe and polite (ie dull) so that no-one is offended. "Ten Reasons to be a Republican" [BEST #50], could never be published in our papers.
The BEAST on the other hand is fantastic: it's scathing, funny, uncovers interesting information - everything that Toronto journalists seem to be incapable of. Your 50th "BEST" issue was one of the funniest things I've ever seen - followed by Reagan's death [BEAST #51]. . .well it was beautiful.
Would it be possible for me to visit The BEAST offices in Buffalo - look around, pick up a few back issues? I would like to help contribute to The BEAST in anyway possible. I hope that you keep up the good work.
-Dave Campbell

Dear Dave,
We appreciate your perceptive eye for great journalism, but don't make the mistake of imagining us to be in any way representative of the American press. Everything you wrote about Now and Eye applies fully to nearly every paper we compete with in this town. Not convinced? Just pick up a copy of ArtVoice or The Buffalo News and you'll see what we mean. We are a diamond in the rough, friend. The saddest thing about it is that advertisers reward obsequious, unoriginal, uninformative, and unentertaining writing, thus lowering the literary bar to championship limbo levels.

As far as coming to visit, you may-under the condition that you bring women, beer, a nice-sized chunk of Canadian hash, and a box of Aero bars. Good luck.


BLANKET STATEMENT

dear be(a)st:
while a nice gesture, don't you think that giving out blankets to the homeless[BEAST #52] is a task better suited for the winter months? the month we are currently experiencing is july. that means it's summer. i am bracing myself for the backlash. thank you...
-el gato

Dear Gato,
You are an obtuse idiot. Had we not already been instructed by our superiors to "never explain a joke," we would be backlashing all over your sorry ass. As it is, "you are an obtuse idiot" must suffice.


FALLON ESCAPES!

More politicians should be bound and gagged! Way to set an example! Please Run
Paul, Run.
-Priscilla Pfohl

Dear Priscilla,
No
.


MICKEY MAYOR?

Please Run for Congress Paul. I will vote for you, and so will others.....not enough of course, but hell, it won't hurt will it? I think you should run for mayor, personally, only because nobody ran against him last time. Check that out. Last race, nobody, not even Mickey MOuse, ran against him.....so, I didn't even tick the lever for Tony, I said fuck it, he'll win anyways......do you know about 35% of people who ACTUALLY voted during the mayoal race, did the same thing I did? Mickey Mouse would have made the news that day.......so definitely do it, dammit............
--Audrey Whipkey

Dear Audrey,
No.


LEE ANGERS SELF-STROKER

Dear "beast":
I was recently forwarded a write up from your publication. Though I have never heard of "the beast" before...and by the look of what I have read I am not too worried that it will become a staple of widely read media, I wanted to at least take the time to point out a number of absolute errors written down by Lee Langenfeld and published by you ["The Allentown Terrorist," BEAST #52]. Though I am sure people find your rantings funny in a VERY sophomoric way that plays to American's esteemed 6th to 7th grade reading level (yup...that is the average)...you'd think that in the name of saving face Langenfeld would AT LEAST get his facts sort of like straight.

If anyone in your readership is actually interested in what is going on with CAE then I would refer them to the CAE defense fund website. There you can get a chronicle of events and links to outside news sources...most of whom at least attempt real journalism.

I met Langenfeld (or I guess that is who he was...as he wasn't polite enough to give his name) at the Evolutionary (Not Revolutionary Lee...at least get the name right!) Girls Club fundraiser for the CAE defense fund. The event was planned in about 4 days flat, about 60 people attended and we raised over $300. Buffalo is really pretty amazing that way. The art community is supportive, and they show up even without the time for PR.

I did introduce myself to Langenfeld and his "anonymous" friend at the request of several guests. These guys were standing at the bar taking notes....and hmmmm...after numbers of your friends/colleagues/teachers have been recently taken into custody or subpoenaed by the FBI ...yeah...guess you get a little paranoid. I simply asked them who they were..."media" they tell me...given their unprofessional way of interacting and their clear inability at basic social skills...I took them for some student newspaper told them "hey, thanks...let me know if I can be of any help" and left it at that. Oh...I am not the founder of the CAE...never even worked with them. He got that wrong too. I never said we had immigrants with or without green cards....I have NO IDEA where he got that. Langenfeld...I stand by your right to not like the show and write about it...but ya might try finding out WHAT you are objecting to so that you don't come off as a pompous, spoiled brat who gets his views on the world from video games.

Finally, I would like to say...long live the "bums with a belief" (Langenfeld's brilliant euphemism for protesters)!!! Without them slavery would be an esteemed institution, women still wouldn't be allowed the vote...and people like Langenfeld might actually be taken seriously!

Erica Eaton
Founder and Co-Director
Evolutionary Girls Club

Dear Erica,
Lighten up. Before you take swipes at our writing skills, try reading the paper. Besides, we really got (inadvertently) told by one of your oh-so-perceptive counterparts in our next item…


GOT US PEGGED

Thanks for sending the article pam and erica.

I think the story was worse than most I have read. It was remarkably even more lazy than usual. I spoke with some activist friends I live with here at the Nickel City Co-op - one describe the beast group as a bunch of guys who wanted to fit into the alternative/activist scene but didn't quite fit in - so - while there is an alternative edge to the paper - there is also that sense of "you fuckers don't wanna hang with me so I'll make fun of you to feel better about myself."

About the illegal immigrant part that you were refering to... The lang-guy wasn't refering to evo - he was talking about CAE leader probably Faith W. who was the one he was talking to about not an evo person. Before the art show a few of us protesters were briefed by a local NYCLU rep about our rights and what we should look out for at the protest... That was one issue that was brought up as most important - and Faith not being a citizen would have been particularly attuned to trouble in that area. It wasn't cool that the writer revealed that conversation it was bordering on tabloid. Lazy / careless / reckless / sad that this is buffalo's most widely read alternative press option (other than artvoice).

:Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,
Oh, the shame! If only we could join your exclusive ranks! Soap is so expensive, after all. Really, what makes you think we shouldn't print the things your friends say-we don't think you'd be protesting so much if we were quoting some FBI agent or local DA. And forget "bordering," this is a tabloid. By the way, we share office space with your local NYCLU reps-and they like us just fine. Sorry we didn't fall into lock-step with the rest of you "free" thinkers. At least Nazis have the honesty to admit they're conformists.


THE DATING SHAME

Dear Beast:

At the risk of sounding like an uninformed, quisling reader I have to say that today I found much confusion in my Beastly travels. I finally got a break from work and headed over to Just Pizza for a well deserved Salami Sub. Normally, this is the place that I get The Beast, the paper that breaths life in the stale fetor of the common man. I've read you guys for a year or so and completely appreciate the humor that is cleverly woven into your anti-Republican editorials. Imagine my surprise when I found out that you guys FUCKED up the cover page by not putting down the correct date in the upper right hand corner. Not that it's a big deal but I definitely felt as though I was slung into a bad Back to the Future episode, and I felt as though it's my patriotic duty to point out your faux pas. Unless, of course, you are in league with the dark lord and you guys are just exercising your jesus-will.

pEAcE,
~bOb rObertsOn

Dear bOb,

While the anomalous date on the cover may seem to be an error to an uninformed quisling reader such as yourself, there is a very good, albeit complicated, reason for it: Entering the office to begin working on the first issue #52, we were amazed to find that we were already there, working on the next issue. That's right, carbon copies of each staff member were already manning the computers and banging out irreverent, yet insightful, articles, and silly joke pieces, much to our astonishment. Our identical doppelgangers laughed heartily at our dumbfounded stares, and explained their predicament: having missed their deadline in the future, they were literally knocked into last week by enraged publisher Paul Fallon, whose supersonic blows had left several nasty marks on the future us. They were almost done, they said, with the next issue, so we went home and tried not to upset the timeline by smoking so much pot we forgot what had happened. If not for a note taped to the office door which read "next ish in the can-take a fortnight off," we might have not known at all. So technically, it really was a correct date-we think.


SLIPPERY SLOPE

Dear Mawk,
You funny fukka! I read yoa awticle about the bastawd Feedman ["Learning From the Help," BEAST #52-2] and I waugh maself siwwy. I faw off ta chair and loll onto ra foor! People they loook at me and sway, "Jingxiang!, you qwazy fooh! Get bawk in you chair!" But I keep waughing an I pee maself! I say "Taibbi, he funny fukka!" I waugh like I got dildo in ma assow. I waugh siwwy!
waughing,
Jingxiang Hao Chenzui
Beijing, China

Dear Jinxiang,
That's great. Now how about unionizing your labor force so our folks can keep their jobs? By the way, do you have any non-exploding cell phone cards for sale?


ROCHESTER GARBAGE

Dear Bone-Ponies and Tongue-Fumblers West of Rochester,
Just wanted to enlighten you as to why Rochester is 784 times better than Buffalo (as if you didn't already know).
1. Garbage Plates at Nick Tahoe's
2. The Fast Ferry Gets Us to Toronto in 2 Hours
3. Rochester Red Wings are Better than the Buffalo Bisons
4. Buffalo is Hemorrhaging People Like a Baby with Ebola
5. Our Local News Anchorwomen Are Hotter than Your Fake Tanned, Skank Bitches
6. Buffalo Recently Lost its "All-America" City Designation (or it Should Have)
7. Goo Goo Dolls vs. Lou Graham (from Foreigner) - Come On!
8. Rochester is the Imaging Capital of the World
9. Univ. of Buffalo vs. Univ. of Rochester - Retards vs. Renowned World Leaders
10. Rochester had more murders per capita than any other city in 2003 (bitch!)
11. Buffalo is un-American - case and point, the Lackawanna Six
12. Rochester's Oak Hill Country Club has hosted the PGA Championship and the Ryder Cup
13. Jim Kelly and the Buffalo Bills (self-explanatory)
14. Buffalo stole the 716 area code from Rochester
15. Brother Wease, enough said
16. French Explorers Named Buffalo, While Rochester was named after a city in our compatriot country, England.
17. Wegmans vs. Topps - Please - you can keep that weak Topps shit
18. Genesee Brewing Company featuring such gems as Honey Brown, Michael Shea's and Genny Cream Ale
19. White Hots
20. Buffalo Bill Cody actually lived in Rochester in the 1870's - fitting that
he didn't want to associate his name with the scum 70 miles to the West that shared it.
Suck on that Buffalo, No Matter What, You'll Always Blow Compared to
Rochester!!!!!!
-HATEBEAK and CANINUS

Dear Wannabes,

We wrote a item-by-item refutation of your list, but we didn't have room and decided you don't merit so much attention. So here's the revised version:
2. We have a different vehicle to get us to Toronto in two hours-it's called a car. Besides, the only point you're making here is that Toronto is cool-duh.
7. Fuck Lou "I wanna know what love is" Graham-Rick James, Bitch!
8. Kodak spews the world's most toxic chemicals-congratulations.
10. Ummm…that's not actually a good thing.
12. Ooooh, golf! You suck worse than we already thought.
13. Well, yeah, The Bills are pretty lame compared to the Rochester…what was your NFL franchise's name again? Come to think of it, we can't remember your NHL team's name either.
16. Way to blow your former oppressors. No wonder you like Canada so much
17. You know you drink Labatt Blue like everyone else around here.
But the best reason why Rochester will never touch the Queen City (aside from The BEAST itself)…no Buffalonian would ever feel compelled to knock your town in a pathetic attempt to elevate his own, because you just don't rate. Happy garbage-eating, losers.

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