I really think you should listen to a band before telling
your readers they are "the shittiest band to have ever existed"
["sic", BEAST # 52]. It's poor journalism, you sound like
you're in fifth grade and you are depriving Hanson of their title.
Listen to our music and give intelligent reasons why you like or dislike
it..."They picked on one of my writers" doesn't count.
Listen to Hesperus at www.hesperuscock.com
How about "they picked on one of our writers, our home town,
our paper, and our local musicians, plus their music is boring as
hell?" You're right, really; we overstated the case when we said
your band is the shittiest ever; probably the defining characteristic
of your tunes is how wholly unremarkable they are. Being the worst
would at least give your work some meaning. Of course, even Hansen
has their fans.
I'm curious to learn more about The BEAST. I recently read your exile
book and I was amazed. Your chapters on the Harvard Institute for
International Development, Jonathan Hay, and Chubais etc. were unreal.
It was some of the best journalism I've come across: raw and honest.
You call it like you see it.
The reason for this e-mail is that I think that The BEAST is one of
the best papers ever. Canadian journalism is all so safe and politically
correct it makes me want to vomit. Have you ever seen your Toronto
counterparts: Now and Eye? Whining wet-blanket rags! Reading most
Canadian newspapers - be they free or subscribed - I get the impression
that the articles are merely filler between advertisements. Thus the
journalism tends to be safe and polite (ie dull) so that no-one is
offended. "Ten Reasons to be a Republican" [BEST #50], could
never be published in our papers.
The BEAST on the other hand is fantastic: it's scathing, funny, uncovers
interesting information - everything that Toronto journalists seem
to be incapable of. Your 50th "BEST" issue was one of the
funniest things I've ever seen - followed by Reagan's death [BEAST
#51]. . .well it was beautiful.
Would it be possible for me to visit The BEAST offices in Buffalo
- look around, pick up a few back issues? I would like to help contribute
to The BEAST in anyway possible. I hope that you keep up the good
We appreciate your perceptive eye for great journalism, but don't
make the mistake of imagining us to be in any way representative of
the American press. Everything you wrote about Now and Eye applies
fully to nearly every paper we compete with in this town. Not convinced?
Just pick up a copy of ArtVoice or The Buffalo News and you'll see
what we mean. We are a diamond in the rough, friend. The saddest thing
about it is that advertisers reward obsequious, unoriginal, uninformative,
and unentertaining writing, thus lowering the literary bar to championship
As far as coming to visit, you may-under the condition
that you bring women, beer, a nice-sized chunk of Canadian hash, and
a box of Aero bars. Good luck.
while a nice gesture, don't you think that giving out blankets to
the homeless[BEAST #52] is a task better suited for the winter months?
the month we are currently experiencing is july. that means it's summer.
i am bracing myself for the backlash. thank you...
You are an obtuse idiot. Had we not already been instructed by our
superiors to "never explain a joke," we would be backlashing
all over your sorry ass. As it is, "you are an obtuse idiot"
More politicians should be bound and gagged! Way to
set an example! Please Run
Please Run for Congress Paul. I will vote for you, and
so will others.....not enough of course, but hell, it won't hurt will
it? I think you should run for mayor, personally, only because nobody
ran against him last time. Check that out. Last race, nobody, not
even Mickey MOuse, ran against him.....so, I didn't even tick the
lever for Tony, I said fuck it, he'll win anyways......do you know
about 35% of people who ACTUALLY voted during the mayoal race, did
the same thing I did? Mickey Mouse would have made the news that day.......so
definitely do it, dammit............
LEE ANGERS SELF-STROKER
I was recently forwarded a write up from your publication. Though
I have never heard of "the beast" before...and by the look
of what I have read I am not too worried that it will become a staple
of widely read media, I wanted to at least take the time to point
out a number of absolute errors written down by Lee Langenfeld and
published by you ["The Allentown Terrorist," BEAST #52].
Though I am sure people find your rantings funny in a VERY sophomoric
way that plays to American's esteemed 6th to 7th grade reading level
(yup...that is the average)...you'd think that in the name of saving
face Langenfeld would AT LEAST get his facts sort of like straight.
If anyone in your readership is actually interested in what is going
on with CAE then I would refer them to the CAE defense fund website.
There you can get a chronicle of events and links to outside news
sources...most of whom at least attempt real journalism.
I met Langenfeld (or I guess that is who he was...as he wasn't polite
enough to give his name) at the Evolutionary (Not Revolutionary Lee...at
least get the name right!) Girls Club fundraiser for the CAE defense
fund. The event was planned in about 4 days flat, about 60 people
attended and we raised over $300. Buffalo is really pretty amazing
that way. The art community is supportive, and they show up even without
the time for PR.
I did introduce myself to Langenfeld and his "anonymous"
friend at the request of several guests. These guys were standing
at the bar taking notes....and hmmmm...after numbers of your friends/colleagues/teachers
have been recently taken into custody or subpoenaed by the FBI ...yeah...guess
you get a little paranoid. I simply asked them who they were..."media"
they tell me...given their unprofessional way of interacting and their
clear inability at basic social skills...I took them for some student
newspaper told them "hey, thanks...let me know if I can be of
any help" and left it at that. Oh...I am not the founder of the
CAE...never even worked with them. He got that wrong too. I never
said we had immigrants with or without green cards....I have NO IDEA
where he got that. Langenfeld...I stand by your right to not like
the show and write about it...but ya might try finding out WHAT you
are objecting to so that you don't come off as a pompous, spoiled
brat who gets his views on the world from video games.
Finally, I would like to say...long live the "bums with a belief"
(Langenfeld's brilliant euphemism for protesters)!!! Without them
slavery would be an esteemed institution, women still wouldn't be
allowed the vote...and people like Langenfeld might actually be taken
Founder and Co-Director
Evolutionary Girls Club
Lighten up. Before you take swipes at our writing skills, try reading
the paper. Besides, we really got (inadvertently) told by one of your
oh-so-perceptive counterparts in our next item
GOT US PEGGED
Thanks for sending the article pam and erica.
I think the story was worse than most I have read. It
was remarkably even more lazy than usual. I spoke with some activist
friends I live with here at the Nickel City Co-op - one describe the
beast group as a bunch of guys who wanted to fit into the alternative/activist
scene but didn't quite fit in - so - while there is an alternative
edge to the paper - there is also that sense of "you fuckers
don't wanna hang with me so I'll make fun of you to feel better about
About the illegal immigrant part that you were refering
to... The lang-guy wasn't refering to evo - he was talking about CAE
leader probably Faith W. who was the one he was talking to about not
an evo person. Before the art show a few of us protesters were briefed
by a local NYCLU rep about our rights and what we should look out
for at the protest... That was one issue that was brought up as most
important - and Faith not being a citizen would have been particularly
attuned to trouble in that area. It wasn't cool that the writer revealed
that conversation it was bordering on tabloid. Lazy / careless / reckless
/ sad that this is buffalo's most widely read alternative press option
(other than artvoice).
Oh, the shame! If only we could join your exclusive ranks! Soap is
so expensive, after all. Really, what makes you think we shouldn't
print the things your friends say-we don't think you'd be protesting
so much if we were quoting some FBI agent or local DA. And forget
"bordering," this is a tabloid. By the way, we share office
space with your local NYCLU reps-and they like us just fine. Sorry
we didn't fall into lock-step with the rest of you "free"
thinkers. At least Nazis have the honesty to admit they're conformists.
THE DATING SHAME
At the risk of sounding like an uninformed, quisling reader I have
to say that today I found much confusion in my Beastly travels. I
finally got a break from work and headed over to Just Pizza for a
well deserved Salami Sub. Normally, this is the place that I get The
Beast, the paper that breaths life in the stale fetor of the common
man. I've read you guys for a year or so and completely appreciate
the humor that is cleverly woven into your anti-Republican editorials.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that you guys FUCKED up the cover
page by not putting down the correct date in the upper right hand
corner. Not that it's a big deal but I definitely felt as though I
was slung into a bad Back to the Future episode, and I felt as though
it's my patriotic duty to point out your faux pas. Unless, of course,
you are in league with the dark lord and you guys are just exercising
While the anomalous date on the cover may seem to
be an error to an uninformed quisling reader such as yourself, there
is a very good, albeit complicated, reason for it: Entering the office
to begin working on the first issue #52, we were amazed to find that
we were already there, working on the next issue. That's right, carbon
copies of each staff member were already manning the computers and
banging out irreverent, yet insightful, articles, and silly joke pieces,
much to our astonishment. Our identical doppelgangers laughed heartily
at our dumbfounded stares, and explained their predicament: having
missed their deadline in the future, they were literally knocked into
last week by enraged publisher Paul Fallon, whose supersonic blows
had left several nasty marks on the future us. They were almost done,
they said, with the next issue, so we went home and tried not to upset
the timeline by smoking so much pot we forgot what had happened. If
not for a note taped to the office door which read "next ish
in the can-take a fortnight off," we might have not known at
all. So technically, it really was a correct date-we think.
You funny fukka! I read yoa awticle about the bastawd Feedman ["Learning
From the Help," BEAST #52-2] and I waugh maself siwwy. I faw
off ta chair and loll onto ra foor! People they loook at me and sway,
"Jingxiang!, you qwazy fooh! Get bawk in you chair!" But
I keep waughing an I pee maself! I say "Taibbi, he funny fukka!"
I waugh like I got dildo in ma assow. I waugh siwwy!
Jingxiang Hao Chenzui
That's great. Now how about unionizing your labor force so our folks
can keep their jobs? By the way, do you have any non-exploding cell
phone cards for sale?
Dear Bone-Ponies and Tongue-Fumblers West of Rochester,
Just wanted to enlighten you as to why Rochester is 784 times better
than Buffalo (as if you didn't already know).
1. Garbage Plates at Nick Tahoe's
2. The Fast Ferry Gets Us to Toronto in 2 Hours
3. Rochester Red Wings are Better than the Buffalo Bisons
4. Buffalo is Hemorrhaging People Like a Baby with Ebola
5. Our Local News Anchorwomen Are Hotter than Your Fake Tanned, Skank
6. Buffalo Recently Lost its "All-America" City Designation
(or it Should Have)
7. Goo Goo Dolls vs. Lou Graham (from Foreigner) - Come On!
8. Rochester is the Imaging Capital of the World
9. Univ. of Buffalo vs. Univ. of Rochester - Retards vs. Renowned
10. Rochester had more murders per capita than any other city in 2003
11. Buffalo is un-American - case and point, the Lackawanna Six
12. Rochester's Oak Hill Country Club has hosted the PGA Championship
and the Ryder Cup
13. Jim Kelly and the Buffalo Bills (self-explanatory)
14. Buffalo stole the 716 area code from Rochester
15. Brother Wease, enough said
16. French Explorers Named Buffalo, While Rochester was named after
a city in our compatriot country, England.
17. Wegmans vs. Topps - Please - you can keep that weak Topps shit
18. Genesee Brewing Company featuring such gems as Honey Brown, Michael
Shea's and Genny Cream Ale
19. White Hots
20. Buffalo Bill Cody actually lived in Rochester in the 1870's -
he didn't want to associate his name with the scum 70 miles to the
West that shared it.
Suck on that Buffalo, No Matter What, You'll Always Blow Compared
-HATEBEAK and CANINUS
We wrote a item-by-item refutation of your list,
but we didn't have room and decided you don't merit so much attention.
So here's the revised version:
2. We have a different vehicle to get us to Toronto in two hours-it's
called a car. Besides, the only point you're making here is that Toronto
7. Fuck Lou "I wanna know what love is" Graham-Rick James,
8. Kodak spews the world's most toxic chemicals-congratulations.
that's not actually a good thing.
12. Ooooh, golf! You suck worse than we already thought.
13. Well, yeah, The Bills are pretty lame compared to the Rochester
was your NFL franchise's name again? Come to think of it, we can't
remember your NHL team's name either.
16. Way to blow your former oppressors. No wonder you like Canada
17. You know you drink Labatt Blue like everyone else around here.
But the best reason why Rochester will never touch the Queen City
(aside from The BEAST itself)
no Buffalonian would ever feel
compelled to knock your town in a pathetic attempt to elevate his
own, because you just don't rate. Happy garbage-eating, losers.