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Subway - Eat Flesh!

In a startling press conference earlier this week, infamous dieter Jared Fogle (Of Subway commercial fame) exposed his corporate masters' less-than-moral activities. "They are sick sadistic bastards," Fogle mouthed almost inaudibly to a room full of reporters on Wednesday. Jared claims that for the past five years, the Subway Corporation has been "Taking advantage of my vanity and weakness for cold cuts all in pursuit of the bottom line." Jared and others who have recently come forward to blow the whistle on what they have deemed the fast food chain's "despicable policies of serving human flesh."

Fogle claims to have been force-fed Subway leftovers from around the country in repeated and successful attempts by the Subway corp. to "fatten him up." When asked to comment on his ever-svelte figure, Jared began to crack up explaining "they would only allow me in front of the camera after I…, I… went through the cold cut machine." Through our sources we have learned that "the cold cut machine" as described by Jared and others who have taken the "Subway challenge" is an automated liposuction machine, which produces a delicious roast beef facsimile from the machine's byproduct.

The fast food giant has made no reply to the shocking claims save for a somewhat cryptic response from a company spokesman; "You people have no idea how much stress Jared has been under, and we at Subway feel confident that he will be back to his old self in no time; all he needs is a sandwich."

Fogle is currently undergoing clinical observation and suffering from what he calls "a severe withdrawal from eating my own flesh." The publicity from the ordeal he and the other "pigs" claim to have gone through has had little to no effect on Subway profits, which continue their upward trend. In fact, rumor has it that the chain is considering a slight alteration to their promotional slogan, from "Eat Fresh" to "Eat Flesh."

Wal-Mart's Undead Workforce

Wal-Mart is back in the news with further legal trouble. With a sexual discrimination class action lawsuit still pending against the retail mega-store chain, recent allegations made by some of the chain's senior citizen employees have landed the company in more hot water. The geriatric employees, who perform tasks such as greeting customers and roaming around the store aimlessly, have taken issue with Wal-Mart's hiring and recruitment policies. According to a lawyer for the group, "Most of my clients never wanted to work at Wal-Mart, and in most cases were stolen from nursing home beds." The often confused and befuddled employees paint an unflattering picture of Wal-Mart involving not only kidnapping and torture but also reanimating the dead. "Wal-Mart has clearly violated the law and committed horrible crimes against nature!" said Ted Johansen, one of the thousands of plaintiffs represented in the lawsuit. The group alleges that nearly 2/3rds of Wal-Mart staff is comprised of reanimated corpses. Wal-Mart plans to settle the lawsuit with "shotguns."

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