(July 23 - August 22)
Leo, when your girlfriend told you that she fell asleep at her old
friend Barry's house, she failed to mention that it was shortly after
she screwed him for five straight hours. In fact she did at least
seven sexual acts that she has consistently denied you out of "disgust."
Maybe it's Barry's money or that giant penis; he carries it around
in a wheelbarrow. Either way, he got her in the sack and there is
nothing you can do about it, unless of course you start banging her
(August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, just because you let the Mayor give you a rim job after you
delivered pizza to his house doesn't mean he has to give you a big
tip on top of it. Don't you read the papers? The city is broke and
Tony can't go throwing money around like he used to. Just be glad
he loves tossing salads as much as he does. Hell, the Domino's crew
says his reach-around technique is world class. After all, there are
some things that the Control Board simply can't take away.
(September 23 - October 22)
the reason you don't have any friends is because every time you open
your mouth to speak the air fills with pus. Your personality is so
foul that flies gather whenever you enter a room. You might notice
that no one ever complains about your constant bourbon drinking and
chain smoking of those awful Clove cigarettes. That's because everyone
hopes those habits will end your useless existence early. So please
stop complaining that people don't understand you because they do,
and they wish you'd trade up from the Cloves to a tailpipe.
(October 23 - November 22)
got news for you, Scorpio; I'm over you. It may have taken me eight
years and enough therapy to buy a Mercedes convertible, but I finally
took your picture down the other day, and I'm sure I'll throw it out
soon, really. You weren't so great anyway-that tattoo always made
you look like a skank and I've gotten better head from a can of Miller.
Telling me you needed to go to the bathroom on the way to our wedding
and then stealing my car while I was buying you coffee was a pretty
rotten way to leave, too. So, one day, when you come crawling back
and beg my forgiveness, you can just forget it. I know it's been a
long time, but I'm sure you'll come back for me eventually...any day
now. Please come back, Scorpio.
(November 23 - December 21)
what is it about other people that makes you think they haven't seen
any of the crappy comedy shows that you have? I swear to god, ten
times now I've seen you run through an obviously rehearsed verbatim
rendition of a well-known stand-up comedy routine, all the while claiming
to be "just making it up." Even if it weren't obvious from
the way I turn my back on you and hold my face, it really should be
clear from the reactions of others around you that you're not fooling
anyone. The uneasiness is palpable, the forced laughter skin-crawling.
You're not just embarrassing yourself, Sagittarius, you make us all
ashamed to be a member of your species. I can just see you in all
your pathetic glory, staring in the mirror and practicing your lines
so you can knock 'em dead at the next shindig. But you're never actually
invited, are you? Try some authenticity, Sagittarius, or at least
find some obscure comedians to rip off, loser.
(December 22 - January 20)
the next time you kill your wife, try not to do it on a mattress.
And try to give everyone the same cover story for her disappearance.
And try to remember that the cops can get your credit card receipts.
And try to clean up the blood or, better yet, try not to get blood
all over your house in the first place. Where did you get this idea,
anyway, you amateur, your name? Just think, Capricorn, maybe you wouldn't
be in jail right now if you were named Smothering.
(January 21 - February 19)
know traffic jams are frustrating, Aquarius, but constantly honking
your horn is no solution. All you're doing is adding to the frustration
of yourself and everyone around you. What do you think, that the sonic
vibrations will magically push aside the thousands of cars in your
path? Relax, you idiot; you're not going anywhere good anyway. I'm
not even sorry that the guy in front of you is an armed psychopathic
ex-con because you, Aquarius, deserve to die painfully.
(February 20 - March 20)
fret, Pisces; the elevated terror alerts are really just a ruse to
ward off protesters and justify forcibly preventing them from approaching
the site of the Republican Convention. They also serve the purpose
of drawing our attention away from John Kerry's appealing policies
on economics and health care. In addition, the increased anxiety in
the air reminds us of 9/11 and makes us soften toward our currently
presiding tyrant. In other words, you have nothing to be afraid of,
unless their numbers don't go up, in which case they'll probably blow
something up themselves. Sweet dreams, Pisces.
(March 21 - April 20)
I had to sit next to your ignorant Fox News "fact" spewing
ass for fifty-three minutes in the smoking lounge of the Cincinnati
Airport, and it almost made me regret being a smoker. It was a chilling
wake-up call to me that people like you are still out there looking
for communists. You stay up late at night worrying that the Great
Red Menace is outside in the bushes, just waiting to pounce on god-fairing
freedom loving Americans as soon as they bend down to adjust the tilted
plastic American flag lawn ornament purchased from Wal-Mart. Aries,
people like you need to realize that "communism," "terrorism"
and "liberalism" are all synonyms in the propaganda thesaurus.
I would tell you to stop being such an ignorant asshole but that would
be like asking the sun to stop shining.
(April 21 - May 20)
Taurus, let me get this straight. Your wife wants a brief "separation"
from you, but her rules dictate that you are not to move out, still
engage in your regular couple activities, and sleep in the same bed,
but she gets to go out on dates? I am all for feminism, dude, but
please dig your balls out from storage and stand up for yourself.
Pack up your shit and find a place to stay for a few weeks rather
than allow yourself to be shat upon in front of your friends and family.
There was a time not too long ago that you had the moxie to handle
this kind of bullshit. Now it's like watching a puppy whine as it
tries to crawl out of a cardboard box. Relationships are about compromise,
Taurus, not about having to give up who you are and living in fear
of loneliness. After all, fear is for suckers.
(May 21 - June 20)
are vast differences in the way people perceive the world, but you,
Gemini, are a goddamned loon. People like you are generally locked
up in some state run institution and for good reason; probably the
same reason the local animal shelter won't let you adopt any more
pets. I always knew you had problems but that last incident with the
spider monkey really changed things. Please Gemini, the next time
you are feeling "creative" go out and buy some fucking Legos.
(June 21 - July 22)
you asshead, it's one thing to read the tabloids but it's quite another
to enroll in a degree program advertised in one. You might not be
happy with your job at the gas station, Cancer, but I highly doubt
that three hundred and fifty dollar "Civil Engineering"
degree from the "Technical Institute of P.O. Box 417" will
carry the credibility you seek. For the money you spent on that bullshit
degree, you could have gotten in on that pyramid scheme you've had
your frugal eye on. Look to Jupiter, Cancer, it's the biggest planet
in the Solar system and I will sell it to you for one of those warm
bags of cashews on the counter.