HITCHENS AIN’T SHIT BUT HOS AND TRICKS
Although I think Hitchens’ stance on Iraq is wrong, I
can’t call him cowardly. After all, this is the guy who told the Clinton
administration to f- itself when they threatened to blackball him (or
worse) if he did a wag-the-dog story on Monica and the bombing of a
Sudanese pharmaceuticals factory. He’s also a professed Trotskyite.
How career enhancing is that, whether on today’s Left or Right?
You also criticize Hitchens’ erudite prose. How prole
and Moore-ish of you. But I don’t think any reader will be running to
Webster’s to interpret this: “Any time, Michael my boy. Let’s redo Telluride.
[Where he and Moore once debated]. Any show. Any place. Any platform.
Let’s see what you’re made of.” Is this a pansy coward talking? Your
friend Mark Ames gave Moore a big rim job with a reacharound for taking
control of an interview with former token female sports reporter Hannah
Storm on CBS’s Early Show. I just wonder how Moore would do against
someone who can find Iraq on a map? We may never know....
And you criticize Hitchens for being a lush. Certainly
true. So what? So is the Beast’s entire staff. What’s next? A big “tut-tut”
for his for refusing to wear a tie on TV?
You yourself admit Moore is “a little loose with the facts,”
a sin for which you’ve mercilessly damned many a journalist in your
press reviews. So Moore only “approximates” what a journalist does,
you say. Fine. What is he then? He’s effective, your friend Ames says.
He’s courageous, you say. Effective, no doubt. But courageous?... Well,
if courage is making enough money with the “truth” to wipe your ass
with $100 bills, then yes, Moore is very courageous. But I say he’s
a propogandist. If you already agree with the theme of his propoganda
— that Iraq was a bad, bad idea — then you’re likely to forgive Moore’s
excesses. You may even cheer him on. Or, like me, you may be in despair
because once again Americans will be dangerously and effectively misled
— this time by following Moore’s convoluted conspiracy theories which
end like a bridge in the middle of a foggy gorge. The truth is so much
simpler, stupider and more tragic. You know it and I know it. I also
know you’re not fool enough to believe that America will be changed
in any significant way if Moore’s dream for this film comes true — getting
a Democrat who voted for Bush’s Iraq invasion elected President.
Moore’s film was destined for a niche market. It’s just
happened to attract a larger public because of all the outcry from the
Right. Like when Tipper Gore campaigned against 2 Live Crew — manna
from heaven for those obscure Florida rappers. Similarly, if not for
the kneejerk Right establishment, the Lefties at hip urban art cinemas
would have seen Moore’s film, but the rest of America would have never
heard of it.
I’m not sure what you meant to accomplish with this editorial.
Sure, journalists are craven scum who only care about access and getting
their names in front of the public. Thanks for the 411. But you didn’t
even bother to rebut any of Hitchens’ remarks on Fahrenheit 9/11. Not
your best piece, buddy.
Your normally appreciative reader,
Hitchens’ malevolent screed against Moore’s movie was
emotionally, not logically, founded, and deserved an emotional response.
He applies standards to Moore’s work that almost no popular journalist,
himself included, live up to. Farenheit 9/11 is not about a single coherent
argument; rather it is a presentation of what lawyers call “a preponderance
of the evidence.” Moore never presents a linear theory of the administration’s
motivations in his film, nor does he ever really claim to understand
what’s going on in Bush’s mind. Basically, he says, “look at all of
this stuff. Something has to be going on here,” and it is persuasively
evil stuff, whether it all fits together or not. Slamming him for contradictory
statements doesn’t really apply. In fact, the major contradictory statement
Hitchens hangs his hat on is a statement Moore made during a debate
with Hitchens himself, not during the course of his movie. Essentially,
Hitchens calls Moore out for the great sin of changing his mind. Also,
he makes the same damn mistake so many others have: claiming that being
against a war precludes you from ever having an opinion on how that
war should be fought. Because Moore was against invading Afghanistan,
says Hitchens, he can’t argue that we didn’t send enough troops there.
That’s just dumb.
The worst thing about Hitchens’ piece, as well as one
some idiot professor wrote for the Buffalo Snooze a while back, is his
position that the damning video of Bush, staring idiotically for 6 minutes
after his chief of staff told him “America is under attack” is really
no big deal. That’s what Andy Card said to him in that video—“America
is under attack,” and George wasn’t even curious enough to excuse himself,
walk to the other side of the room and find out what was happening.
That’s not a minor point. We can’t imagine a single President – Nixon,
Ford, and Reagan included – that wouldn’t have at least said, “sorry,
kids, but I’ve got President stuff to do” and found out what the hell
was going on.
What Michael Moore has done is what a thousand better-infromed
and educated liberal columnists couldn’t do to save their lives; he’s
turned the tide of opinion against Bush. However sloppily he did it,
he did it. Demagoguery is absolutely necessary in the modern world—a
well-turned piece that would have pleased Hitchens wouldn’t have made
a difference, because it would have the idiots, who got us into this
shit in the first place, yawning. We are inundated with propaganda every
day, but people only seem to notice when it’s left wing propaganda.
Why is that?
BEAST VS. ROBOTIC DEATH PIGS
Is it just me or did your last few issues suddenly get
a shit load better in quality? (Or maybe it’s just more stuff per issue
because you slowed your printing schedule? I can’t tell, I usually
live in a haze.) There seems to be more features; an expanded layout
for “news in briefs” with more ranting, plus more funny graphics to
entertain kids and lousy readers; more rock’n’roll in the music reviews;
those krazy klassifieds; and my new favorite part of your paper, “I
Last issue’s “I Hate You” column really put a finger on
why I’m constantly feeling so raped by parking tickets. You see, I
work night shift, at Elmwood’s skin warehouse, Video Liquidators. (It’s
really cool they carry your paper, you can stop by and ask for a free
blow-up doll rental any time.) After a long night of selling midget
porn and reading the Beast, I’m so tired that switching sides for parking
is the last thing on my mind.
Waking up late in the evening doesn’t help to remember
what day it is, either. On top of that, I don’t use my van for commuting
in the summer. I bike whenever possible, and save it for 2 weekly stock-hauling
trips for my other self-employed sales job, often going 3-4 days without
driving. But even though I have a weird schedule, and don’t drive as
much as the typical fat-ass smogging-up-the-air commuter, I keep getting
raped and raped again, because of “Buffalo’s Asinine Alternate Parking
Policy”. Evil bastards, I hate you too. Did they even consider that
some people go on vacation in the summer? Where are they supposed to
Of course, some forms of government rape are really trivial
compared to others. Getting a ticket is like being victim to a little
grope, compared to the nazi prison gang bang of a Draft they want to
start. Your article, about their proposal to starting forcing lots
more American kids to kill foreign babies for oil companies, was very
dire. But don’t give up hope, that might be the first step towards
setting up guillotines on the white house lawn. Here’s a quote about
the French Revolution:
“Revolutionary sympathies within the army were dramatically
demonstrated on 14 July 1789 when the Paris crowd attacked the Bastille.
To be able to prevail on that famous day, the attackers required the
tacit assistance of the soldiers, some 7,000 strong, who were stationed
in Paris to guard the royal palaces and perform other duties for the
king. Detachments of the French Guard actually joined the crowd...”
William McNeil, The Pursuit of Power.
Evil bastards are everywhere. They are hard to beat.
This robotic death pig government wants to control everything except
their corporate cronies’ raping of the working class. It’s scary how
your library records aren’t even safe from government spies any more.
But here’s a small idea to screw up their work: give them a whole lot
more work to do. How about having protest parties at the library where
a bunch of people get together and download and check out forbidden
anarchy shit? That would be cool!
Thanks for the great writing, and keep up the bestiality.
Mr. P. Lake
No, we’re still printing biweekly, we’re just insane
people who stay up all the time and will die young as a result of terminal
eye cancer from staring at monitors for most of our lives. Now get us
an ad from your filth-distributing employer; we’ll take half of the
fee in trade.
BEERS, CHEERS, AND JEERS
Well thank you Beasties and Matt Taibbi for a sharp (not
the NA Beer) article on the two Presidential races currently gripping
the nation’s sportsfans.
I take back anything I ever said about Mr. Taibbi since
his annoying piece on the campaign trail somehow got past The Nation’s
editorial review’s better sense. Somehow, the Beast is better now that
he just files. Would that Jeff Simon would do the same over at The News.
So kudos for the reportage on the SAB Miller takeover
and the Norman Adami quote regarding the subsequent forced unemployment
of the “Socialist Republic of Miller” — is it still legal in the Ashcroft
age to wish people like that someday hang? I mean it’s only a thought.
My only wish is that Taibbi hadn’t taken the shot at Bob
Odenkirk-I must say Odenkirk has the Clinton passive-agressive fist
down pat, and I loved him as the slick agent on Larry Sanders. Please
forgive him his sins.
And while I am at it, Right on for slamming AV on the
sick puppy story. I much prefer irreverence to irrelevance, any day
of the week. Especially mid-week, when the shit hits the stands.
Odenkirk is not so bad, though he’s no David Cross.
Comparing Taibbi to Jeff Simon, however, is just damn wrong, and what
you call the Nation’s “better sense” is just their fear of the truth.
“When the shit hits the stands” reminds us of that great Circle Jerks
tune on the Repo Man soundtrack. Remember Repo Man? That was the shit,
LANCING IN THE STREETS
You can get as sick as you want of all the bullshit that
does, or does not for that matter go on in this pathetic sinkhole of
a city called Buffalo, but until we all rise up as one and overthrow
the Gollum-esque losers chosen by our complacent aging demographic to
basically steal from us and laugh in our face, then there will be zero
changes and or progress in this alcohol endused wasteland of a city.
Torches and pitchforks to all,
BEAST BEHIND BARS
Your excellent publication is so adored by, us sick, degenerate,
and sociopathic bottom-feeders here in the Holding Center that it is
“unofficially” banned! Imagine these people crushing our first amendment
I was forced to violate a half dozen “nerd-rules” to pilfer
this latest edition from the deputy’s turd-disposal station wastebasket.
With tobacco spittle and semen stains aside I add my own drool over
every juicy article and cannot get enough.
Paul Fallon deserves a medal for his efforts at revealing
the real side of our great government. Man fuck congress! Paul needs
to run for president!
The only difference between the assholes in charge of
this country and those of us down here charged is that they do not have
to eat sunday’s rancid goulash.
And to Joe Reiss who had the balls to complain about Paul’s
nude joint-smoking news conference in issue #52.
Are you too stupid to understand that what Paul did was
designed and meant to shock the zombie-like complacency from you morons
who vote for the same assholes over and over as your freedoms, rights,
and incomes shrink year after year?
Joe Reiss is probably one of those gay republicans who
thought that the failed “War on Drugs” was meant for more anal sex with
men who are Rohypnol-free, and remain conscious long enough to ask for
an HIV test afterwards.
And “vulgarity” bothers you?! Listen up gay boy, there
is no such thing as “vulgar” words, just “vulgar” thoughts. So if your
thoughts are kinda fucked-up maybe you should visit a confessional,
provided of course that you can keep your pants on.
Wake up you pathetic slug and realize that it’s time for
a change in the government of this once great country!
No I am not a murderer, rapist, nor a child molester,
nor did I sell cannabis to boy scouts, all I did was tell my wife to
eat shit so now I eat sunday’s goulash as a previous felon without a
Being absolutely innocent and enjoying a full seven months
of tax-free, air conditioned living has really changed my perspective
of this pathetic system of overworked, underpaid, and under-educated
morons that cannot get me a trial before September 28th of this year.
After being fucked-over by the frightfully ineffective
and near useless Public-Defenders office I have warmed to my bottom-rung
dweller status and revel in your brutally blunt, honest, and telling
tales of the rampant corruption in our world. Better than bail, well
So if you guys at The Beast ever need a voice from the
inside of this dump I would be glad to report on the radical abuses
of authority and the often hideous waste of all our good tax bucks.
That is if I can avoid a beating, solitary confinement, and sunday’s
Get rid of this rancid goulash, give me a Beast subscription,
and force these people to take a psych-evaluation before they are hired
and I would be happier than fag boy Joe Reiss with a bag of dildos.
I served my country Joe Reiss, so asswipes like you can
be free to remain asswipes and I would of given my life for you to remain
that way, because even an asswipe is cool if he is AMERICAN.
From the very bottom....
P.S. You guys at THE BEAST are truly on the cutting edge
of what I like to call “truth-in-journalism” which is a rarity these
days. I love your paper and the clever staff who produce it, you guys
are GREAT!!! Thanks and keep up the great work!!!!!!!
Now you, friend, are our kind of reader. A column from
the big house? We love it! Although we must confess to being unconvinced
that telling your wife to eat shit is an arrestable offense. Perhaps
you’re not telling the whole story here? Whatever, just send us the
words and we’ll use our prison gang connections to smuggle in each new
issue ‘til you’re a free man. Then you’re no good to us.
PANTIES IN A BUNCH
In response to the email letter you published by one of
our groups members (the Evolutionary Girls Club):
1. It is wrong to steel people’s personal email and publish
it, which is what you did.
Part of the email published and then referred to was
“About the illegal immigrant part that you were referring
to... The lang-guy wasn’t referring to evo - he was talking about CAE
leader probably Faith W. who was the one he was talking to about not
an evo person.”
The “Lang guy” wasn’t referring to a conversation with
Faith. As I stated, I was the one who had the conversation with him.
To my knowledge Faith wasn’t even there. The person who authored the
email wasn’t able to make the event so she wasn’t aware of the chain
of events that lead to my last letter to you (July 21, Issue 54).
Erica Eaton, Founder and Co-Director, Evolutionary Girls
Boo hoo. We didn’t “steel” your e-mail; it was forwarded
to us. That’s right; you have a mole in your midst. We’re not telling
who it is, either. We certainly hope this news won’t cause you to succumb
to a growing, infectious paranoia and lead to an ironically fascistic
witch-hunt, tearing your “club” apart and eventually landing you in
a sanitarium. That would be awful. Good luck.
You guys kick serious ass, but you know that. Now enough
of the smooshy BS. Just got done reading issue #52 (little behind
the times), which I acquired at the hole in the wall, Bailey’s on Delaware
Ave. in Kenmore...BUT, I give them props for carrying your paper (and
the drinks aren’t bad either)!! Now, as I read this, I was ANNOYED
to say the least, to find out the attitude Malone’s has towards your
paper. As a resident of Kenmore, I have frequented Malone’s on various
occasions, and have to say, I have never seen the Beast there. I ‘have’
however, seen the piece of crap ArtVoice there on a regular basis!!
The only redeeming feature of the Artvoice is “News of the Weird” which
is nothing more than them reporting on actual news stories around the
world, and coming up with NOTHING of entertaining value on their own!
I can honestly say, that as a result of reading that, I, too, will never
step foot in Malone’s again and agree whole-heartedly that their wings
Take care! Keep on kickin’ ass and telling it like it
Terri Lyman, Kenmore, NY
P.S. “Ask a Chronic Pot-Smoker” was HYSTERICAL!!!
We appreciate all of your insights, but we thought
you should know that “News of the Weird” is a syndicated department,
reprinted in publications all over, and not the product of Artvoice.
And hey, everyone, if you’re in an establishment and they don’t carry
the BEAST, why not pitch a fit about it? Help us out, and let these
dickheads know that Buffalo can handle the real deal. And the next time
you’re in Malone’s grab a stack of menus or napkins and throw them out.
Wow.I remember when The Beast started off as a mildly
funny, off-color, farcical publication that I would never hesitate to
grab (for free) while hunched over a bbq chicken finger sub at jim’s
steakout, or some other late night eatery where The Beast would be hastily
piled on a rusty metal rack. Those were the days. Now, I am fucking
appalled at some of the articles that make each issue. Case and point:
“Aloha from Buffalo,” recently featured in the latest “Tail Hunt” column.
The piece was authored by some poodle-shooter named Zac
Gersh. He came out slinging vocab from the hip, as “traipsing,” and
“dithering” appear less than eight words apart. Such a masterful command
of the English language can most likely be chalked up to a Park or Nichols
education-the two institutions where those with undoubtedly Jewish backgrounds
are encouraged to carry on and tell kids at school that they are in
fact “50% Irish.” But then again, that observation may be conjecture,
as I discovered that Gersh actually draws its roots from a small county
in Ireland, where it enjoys a double meaning. If one says Gersh very
quickly and in a disturbed manner, it means “Jew!” And if one gently
whispers Gersh with a bit if a sigh, it means they have just finished
Gersh’s trite observations about getting laid and time-honored
Buffalo male stereotypes are made in a feeble attempt to mask his own
outrageous appearance and shoddy pimping skills. I picture him strolling
into Frizzy’s: In walks the Gersh, fresh Hawaiian shirt complete with
coconut buttons (only two buttoned of course), one hand in his pocket
jingling the keys to his periwinkle Honda Del Sol, his feet adorned
with a weathered pair of Jerusalem cruisers, sporting a grin that spans
the length of his greasy half-Irish face, on his mettle to catch a glimpse
of one of his old girlfriends (who all moved from Kashmir to Buffalo
with their families in the 80’s, settling in Williamsville, then invading
urban private schools only to be taken advantage of by affluent, half-Irish
nerds.) But sadly, old Gersh didn’t see an old girlfriend out at Frizzy’s
that night, in fact Gersh was beaten so badly by bouncers that he could
only stumble through the streets of downtown looking for a place to
ice down his wounds and unwind.
To make a long story short, Gersh did find a sanctuary,
and as he drunkenly paid his five dollar cover at Club Marcella he mustered
a boyish smile, for he was home, ready to rest his haunches in the arms
of an equally drunk and lonely homosexual who would end up mercilessly
pounding the half-Irish lost soul in the ass (missionary style mind
you) until the break of dawn. That night, Gersh’s screams haunted the
streets of downtown Buffalo, as floating on the evening breeze one could
hear the faint words: “Aloha from Buffalo.” Man, I hated that article.
Dear lord! Thank you! We had no idea there was a Jew
in our midst! Rest assured, this sneaky money-handling hebe will be
exterminated post haste. And your astonishing powers of deduction are
manifested again in determining that this Kike has had a private school
education, when your only clue was his article, which only refers to
the fact that he went to Nichols once! How do you do it? Thanks again
for the information; we’re really amazed that you could figure all that
out through the eyeholes in your white hood.