Home



Features:

Dems Agog! The DNC Got No Soul - Al Uthman

Narc de Triomphe: Kerry Loves the Drug War - Matt Taibbi

Whores of Babble-On: Dems Silence Speaks Volumes- Chuck Richardson

Control Freaks: Will The Control Board Save Us? - Eric Gauchat

Jesus and Kirk do Darien Lake: Kingdom Bound 2004 - Ken Barnes

Puberty and Bad Politics: Alt Press Crumbles Under BEAST Sanctions - Al Uthman


The DNC Shuffle: Special Dance Instruction Chart (plus page 3)

Dead/Not Dead? A BEAST Quiz

Same Sex Marriage Ban: Gay? - Scott Borchert and Dan Cory

Joel in Jail?: The BEAST Poll



Departments:

Buffalo in Briefs

Libel Corner: Subway Cannibals, Wal-Mart Corpses

BEAST-O-Scopes

Sports: Run, Ricky, Run - Matt Taibbi

[sic] - your letters



Comix:

I Witless News - I. Gonzalez

Deep Fried - Jason Yungbluth

Bob The Angry Flower - Stephen Notley



Movies:

Kino Korner



Music:

AudioFiles: Ghostface Killah, Mclusky, Blitz, Artists Over Industry, Alexisonfire

Lowest of the Low Interview

Beastivities



Archives--Old BEASTs

Contact Us

MERCHANDISE



© 2004 The Beast

--Your letters


HITCHENS AIN’T SHIT BUT HOS AND TRICKS

Dear Taibbi,

Although I think Hitchens’ stance on Iraq is wrong, I can’t call him cowardly. After all, this is the guy who told the Clinton administration to f-  itself when they threatened to blackball him (or worse) if he did a wag-the-dog story on Monica and the bombing of a Sudanese pharmaceuticals factory. He’s also a professed Trotskyite. How career enhancing is that, whether on today’s Left or Right?

You also criticize Hitchens’ erudite prose. How prole and Moore-ish of you. But I don’t think any reader will be running to Webster’s to interpret this: “Any time, Michael my boy. Let’s redo Telluride. [Where he and Moore once debated]. Any show. Any place. Any platform. Let’s see what you’re made of.” Is this a pansy coward talking? Your friend Mark Ames gave Moore a big rim job with a reacharound for taking control of an interview with former token female sports reporter Hannah Storm on CBS’s Early Show. I just wonder how Moore would do against someone who can find Iraq on a map? We may never know....

And you criticize Hitchens for being a lush. Certainly true. So what? So is the Beast’s entire staff. What’s next? A big “tut-tut” for his for refusing to wear a tie on TV?

You yourself admit Moore is “a little loose with the facts,” a sin for which you’ve mercilessly damned many a journalist in your press reviews. So Moore only “approximates” what a journalist does, you say. Fine. What is he then? He’s effective, your friend Ames says. He’s courageous, you say. Effective, no doubt. But courageous?... Well, if courage is making enough money with the “truth” to wipe your ass with $100 bills, then yes, Moore is very courageous. But I say he’s a propogandist. If you already agree with the theme of his propoganda — that Iraq was a bad, bad idea — then you’re likely to forgive Moore’s excesses. You may even cheer him on. Or, like me, you may be in despair because once again Americans will be dangerously and effectively  misled — this time by following Moore’s convoluted conspiracy theories which end like a bridge in the middle of a foggy gorge. The truth is so much simpler, stupider and more tragic. You know it and I know it. I also know you’re not fool enough to believe that America will be changed in any significant way if Moore’s dream for this film comes true — getting a Democrat who voted for Bush’s Iraq invasion elected President.

Moore’s film was destined for a niche market. It’s just happened to attract a larger public because of all the outcry from the Right. Like when Tipper Gore campaigned against 2 Live Crew — manna from heaven for those obscure Florida rappers. Similarly, if not for the kneejerk Right establishment, the Lefties at hip urban art cinemas would have seen Moore’s film, but the rest of America would have never heard of it.

I’m not sure what you meant to accomplish with this editorial. Sure, journalists are craven scum who only care about access and getting their names in front of the public. Thanks for the 411. But you didn’t even bother to rebut any of Hitchens’ remarks on Fahrenheit 9/11. Not your best piece, buddy.

Your normally appreciative reader,

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

Hitchens’ malevolent screed against Moore’s movie was emotionally, not logically, founded, and deserved an emotional response. He applies standards to Moore’s work that almost no popular journalist, himself included, live up to. Farenheit 9/11 is not about a single coherent argument; rather it is a presentation of what lawyers call “a preponderance of the evidence.” Moore never presents a linear theory of the administration’s motivations in his film, nor does he ever really claim to understand what’s going on in Bush’s mind. Basically, he says, “look at all of this stuff. Something has to be going on here,” and it is persuasively evil stuff, whether it all fits together or not. Slamming him for contradictory statements doesn’t really apply. In fact, the major contradictory statement Hitchens hangs his hat on is a statement Moore made during a debate with Hitchens himself, not during the course of his movie. Essentially, Hitchens calls Moore out for the great sin of changing his mind. Also, he makes the same damn mistake so many others have: claiming that being against a war precludes you from ever having an opinion on how that war should be fought. Because Moore was against invading Afghanistan, says Hitchens, he can’t argue that we didn’t send enough troops there. That’s just dumb.

The worst thing about Hitchens’ piece, as well as one some idiot professor wrote for the Buffalo Snooze a while back, is his position that the damning video of Bush, staring idiotically for 6 minutes after his chief of staff told him “America is under attack” is really no big deal. That’s what Andy Card said to him in that video—“America is under attack,” and George wasn’t even curious enough to excuse himself, walk to the other side of the room and find out what was happening. That’s not a minor point. We can’t imagine a single President – Nixon, Ford, and Reagan included – that wouldn’t have at least said, “sorry, kids, but I’ve got President stuff to do” and found out what the hell was going on.

What Michael Moore has done is what a thousand better-infromed and educated liberal columnists couldn’t do to save their lives; he’s turned the tide of opinion against Bush. However sloppily he did it, he did it. Demagoguery is absolutely necessary in the modern world—a well-turned piece that would have pleased Hitchens wouldn’t have made a difference, because it would have the idiots, who got us into this shit in the first place, yawning. We are inundated with propaganda every day, but people only seem to notice when it’s left wing propaganda. Why is that?


BEAST VS. ROBOTIC DEATH PIGS

Hi Beast,

Is it just me or did your last few issues suddenly get a shit load better in quality?  (Or maybe it’s just more stuff per issue because you slowed your printing schedule?  I can’t tell, I usually live in a haze.)  There seems to be more features; an expanded layout for “news in briefs” with more ranting, plus more funny graphics to entertain kids and lousy readers;  more rock’n’roll in the music reviews;  those krazy klassifieds;  and my new favorite part of your paper, “I hate you.”

Last issue’s “I Hate You” column really put a finger on why I’m constantly feeling so raped by parking tickets.  You see, I work night shift, at Elmwood’s skin warehouse, Video Liquidators. (It’s really cool they carry your paper, you can stop by and ask for a free blow-up doll rental any time.)  After a long night of selling midget porn and reading the Beast, I’m so tired that switching sides for parking is the last thing on my mind. 

Waking up late in the evening doesn’t help to remember what day it is, either.  On top of that, I don’t use my van for commuting in the summer.  I bike whenever possible, and save it for 2 weekly stock-hauling trips for my other self-employed sales job, often going 3-4 days without driving.  But even though I have a weird schedule, and don’t drive as much as the typical fat-ass smogging-up-the-air commuter, I keep getting raped and raped again, because of “Buffalo’s Asinine Alternate Parking Policy”.  Evil bastards, I hate you too.  Did they even consider that some people go on vacation in the summer?  Where are they supposed to park?

Of course, some forms of government rape are really trivial compared to others.  Getting a ticket is like being victim to a little grope, compared to the nazi prison gang bang of a Draft they want to start.  Your article, about their proposal to starting forcing lots more American kids to kill foreign babies for oil companies, was very dire.  But don’t give up hope, that might be the first step towards setting up guillotines on the white house lawn.  Here’s a quote about the French Revolution:

“Revolutionary sympathies within the army were dramatically demonstrated on 14 July 1789 when the Paris crowd attacked the Bastille. To be able to prevail on that famous day, the attackers required the tacit assistance of the soldiers, some 7,000 strong, who were stationed in Paris to guard the royal palaces and perform other duties for the king.  Detachments of the French Guard actually joined the crowd...” William McNeil, The Pursuit of Power.

Evil bastards are everywhere.  They are hard to beat.  This robotic death pig government wants to control everything except their corporate cronies’ raping of the working class.  It’s scary how your library records aren’t even safe from government spies any more.  But here’s a small idea to screw up their work:  give them a whole lot more work to do.  How about having protest parties at the library where a bunch of people get together and download and check out forbidden anarchy shit?  That would be cool!

Thanks for the great writing, and keep up the bestiality.

Mr. P. Lake

Dear P,

No, we’re still printing biweekly, we’re just insane people who stay up all the time and will die young as a result of terminal eye cancer from staring at monitors for most of our lives. Now get us an ad from your filth-distributing employer; we’ll take half of the fee in trade.


BEERS, CHEERS, AND JEERS

Well thank you Beasties and Matt Taibbi for a sharp (not the NA Beer) article on the two Presidential races currently gripping the nation’s sportsfans.

I take back anything I ever said about Mr. Taibbi since his annoying piece on the campaign trail somehow got past The Nation’s editorial review’s better sense.  Somehow, the Beast is better now that he just files. Would that Jeff Simon would do the same over at The News.

So kudos for the reportage on the SAB Miller takeover and the Norman Adami quote regarding the subsequent forced unemployment of the “Socialist Republic of Miller” — is it still legal in the Ashcroft age to wish  people like that  someday hang? I mean it’s only a thought.

My only wish is that Taibbi hadn’t taken the shot at Bob Odenkirk-I must say Odenkirk has the Clinton passive-agressive fist down pat, and I loved him as the slick agent on Larry Sanders. Please forgive him his sins.

And while I am at it, Right on for slamming AV on the sick puppy story. I much prefer irreverence to irrelevance, any day of the week. Especially mid-week, when the shit hits the stands.

Branimir9000

Dear Branimir,

Odenkirk is not so bad, though he’s no David Cross. Comparing Taibbi to Jeff Simon, however, is just damn wrong, and what you call the Nation’s “better sense” is just their fear of the truth. “When the shit hits the stands” reminds us of that great Circle Jerks tune on the Repo Man soundtrack. Remember Repo Man? That was the shit, right?


LANCING IN THE STREETS

You can get as sick as you want of all the bullshit that does, or does not for that matter go on in this pathetic sinkhole of a city called Buffalo, but until  we all rise up as one and overthrow the Gollum-esque losers chosen by our complacent aging demographic to basically steal from us and laugh in our face, then there will be zero changes and or progress in this alcohol endused wasteland of a city.

Torches and pitchforks to all,

GUTS

Dear Guts,

Well, Duh.


BEAST BEHIND BARS

Dear BEAST

Your excellent publication is so adored by, us sick, degenerate, and sociopathic bottom-feeders here in the Holding Center that it is “unofficially” banned! Imagine these people crushing our first amendment rights?

I was forced to violate a half dozen “nerd-rules” to pilfer this latest edition from the deputy’s turd-disposal station wastebasket. With tobacco spittle and semen stains aside I add my own drool over every juicy article and cannot get enough.

Paul Fallon deserves a medal for his efforts at revealing the real side of our great government. Man fuck congress! Paul needs to run for president!

The only difference between the assholes in charge of this country and those of us down here charged is that they do not have to eat sunday’s rancid goulash.

And to Joe Reiss who had the balls to complain about Paul’s nude joint-smoking news conference in issue #52.

Are you too stupid to understand that what Paul did was designed and meant to shock the zombie-like complacency from you morons who vote for the same assholes over and over as your freedoms, rights, and incomes shrink year after year?

Joe Reiss is probably one of those gay republicans who thought that the failed “War on Drugs” was meant for more anal sex with men who are Rohypnol-free, and remain conscious long enough to ask for an HIV test afterwards.

And “vulgarity” bothers you?! Listen up gay boy, there is no such thing as “vulgar” words, just “vulgar” thoughts. So if your thoughts are kinda fucked-up maybe you should visit a confessional, provided of course that you can keep your pants on.

Wake up you pathetic slug and realize that it’s time for a change in the government of this once great country!

No I am not a murderer, rapist, nor a child molester, nor did I sell cannabis to boy scouts, all I did was tell my wife to eat shit so now I eat sunday’s goulash as a previous felon without a bail.

Being absolutely innocent and enjoying a full seven months of tax-free, air conditioned living has really changed my perspective of this pathetic system of overworked, underpaid, and under-educated morons that cannot get me a trial before September 28th of this year.

After being fucked-over by the frightfully ineffective and near useless Public-Defenders office I have warmed to my bottom-rung dweller status and revel in your brutally blunt, honest, and telling tales of the rampant corruption in our world. Better than bail, well er, almost.

So if you guys at The Beast ever need a voice from the inside of this dump I would be glad to report on the radical abuses of authority and the often hideous waste of all our good tax bucks. That is if I can avoid a beating, solitary confinement, and sunday’s goulash.

Get rid of this rancid goulash, give me a Beast subscription, and force these people to take a psych-evaluation before they are hired and I would be happier than fag boy Joe Reiss with a bag of dildos. Well, almost...

I served my country Joe Reiss, so asswipes like you can be free to remain asswipes and I would of given my life for you to remain that way, because even an asswipe is cool if he is AMERICAN.

See Ya!

From the very bottom....

D.J.

P.S. You guys at THE BEAST are truly on the cutting edge of what I like to call “truth-in-journalism” which is a rarity these days. I love your paper and the clever staff who produce it, you guys are GREAT!!! Thanks and keep up the great work!!!!!!!

Dear D.J.,

Now you, friend, are our kind of reader. A column from the big house? We love it! Although we must confess to being unconvinced that telling your wife to eat shit is an arrestable offense. Perhaps you’re not telling the whole story here? Whatever, just send us the words and we’ll use our prison gang connections to smuggle in each new issue ‘til you’re a free man. Then you’re no good to us.


PANTIES IN A BUNCH

Dear “Beast”:

In response to the email letter you published by one of our groups members (the Evolutionary Girls Club):

1.  It is wrong to steel people’s personal email and publish it, which is what you did.

 Part of the email published and then referred to was

“About the illegal immigrant part that you were referring to... The lang-guy  wasn’t referring to evo - he was talking about CAE leader probably Faith W.  who was the one he was talking to about not an evo person.”

The “Lang guy” wasn’t referring to a conversation with Faith. As I stated, I was the one who had the conversation with him.  To my knowledge Faith wasn’t even there.  The person who authored the email wasn’t able to make the event so she wasn’t aware of the chain of events that lead to my last letter to you (July 21, Issue 54).

Erica Eaton, Founder and Co-Director, Evolutionary Girls Club

Dear Erica,

Boo hoo. We didn’t “steel” your e-mail; it was forwarded to us. That’s right; you have a mole in your midst. We’re not telling who it is, either. We certainly hope this news won’t cause you to succumb to a growing, infectious paranoia and lead to an ironically fascistic witch-hunt, tearing your “club” apart and eventually landing you in a sanitarium. That would be awful. Good luck.


BONE MALONE’S

You guys kick serious ass, but you know that.  Now enough of the smooshy BS.   Just got done reading issue #52 (little behind the times), which I acquired at the hole in the wall, Bailey’s on Delaware Ave. in Kenmore...BUT, I give them props for carrying your paper (and the drinks aren’t bad either)!!  Now, as I read this, I was ANNOYED to say the least, to find out the attitude Malone’s has towards your paper.  As a resident of Kenmore, I have frequented Malone’s on various occasions, and have to say, I have never seen the Beast there.  I ‘have’ however, seen the piece of crap ArtVoice there on a regular basis!!  The only redeeming feature of the Artvoice is “News of the Weird” which is nothing more than them reporting on actual news stories around the world, and coming up with NOTHING of entertaining value on their own!  I can honestly say, that as a result of reading that, I, too, will never step foot in Malone’s again and agree whole-heartedly that their wings are rinky-dinky!

Take care!  Keep on kickin’ ass and telling it like it is!!

Terri Lyman, Kenmore, NY

P.S. “Ask a Chronic Pot-Smoker” was HYSTERICAL!!!

Dear Teri,

We appreciate all of your insights, but we thought you should know that “News of the Weird” is a syndicated department, reprinted in publications all over, and not the product of Artvoice. And hey, everyone, if you’re in an establishment and they don’t carry the BEAST, why not pitch a fit about it? Help us out, and let these dickheads know that Buffalo can handle the real deal. And the next time you’re in Malone’s grab a stack of menus or napkins and throw them out.


I, RACIST

Wow.I remember when The Beast started off as a mildly funny, off-color, farcical publication that I would never hesitate to grab (for free) while hunched over a bbq chicken finger sub at jim’s steakout, or some other late night eatery where The Beast would be hastily piled on a rusty metal rack.  Those were the days.  Now, I am fucking appalled at some of the articles that make each issue.  Case and point: “Aloha from Buffalo,” recently featured in the latest “Tail Hunt” column.

The piece was authored by some poodle-shooter named Zac Gersh.  He came out slinging vocab from the hip, as “traipsing,” and “dithering” appear less than eight words apart.  Such a masterful command of the English language can most likely be chalked up to a Park or Nichols education-the two institutions where those with undoubtedly Jewish backgrounds are encouraged to carry on and tell kids at school that they are in fact “50% Irish.”  But then again, that observation may be conjecture, as I discovered that Gersh actually draws its roots from a small county in Ireland, where it enjoys a double meaning.  If one says Gersh very quickly and in a disturbed manner, it means “Jew!”  And if one gently whispers Gersh with a bit if a sigh, it means they have just finished masturbating. 

Gersh’s trite observations about getting laid and time-honored Buffalo male stereotypes are made in a feeble attempt to mask his own outrageous appearance and shoddy pimping skills.  I picture him strolling into Frizzy’s:  In walks the Gersh, fresh Hawaiian shirt complete with coconut buttons (only two buttoned of course), one hand in his pocket jingling the keys to his periwinkle Honda Del Sol, his feet adorned with a weathered pair of Jerusalem cruisers, sporting a grin that spans the length of his greasy half-Irish face, on his mettle to catch a glimpse of one of his old girlfriends (who all moved from Kashmir to Buffalo with their families in the 80’s, settling in Williamsville, then invading urban private schools only to be taken advantage of by affluent, half-Irish nerds.)  But sadly, old Gersh didn’t see an old girlfriend out at Frizzy’s that night, in fact Gersh was beaten so badly by bouncers that he could only stumble through the streets of downtown looking for a place to ice down his wounds and unwind. 

To make a long story short, Gersh did find a sanctuary, and as he drunkenly paid his five dollar cover at Club Marcella he mustered a boyish smile, for he was home, ready to rest his haunches in the arms of an equally drunk and lonely homosexual who would end up mercilessly pounding the half-Irish lost soul in the ass (missionary style mind you) until the break of dawn.  That night, Gersh’s screams haunted the streets of downtown Buffalo, as floating on the evening breeze one could hear the faint words: “Aloha from Buffalo.”  Man, I hated that article.

Sincerely,

Indira Ghandi

Dear Indira,

Dear lord! Thank you! We had no idea there was a Jew in our midst! Rest assured, this sneaky money-handling hebe will be exterminated post haste. And your astonishing powers of deduction are manifested again in determining that this Kike has had a private school education, when your only clue was his article, which only refers to the fact that he went to Nichols once! How do you do it? Thanks again for the information; we’re really amazed that you could figure all that out through the eyeholes in your white hood.




This Issue Home Contact Archives