Alien vs. Predator
Every once in a while, good things do indeed come to those
who wait. Namely me and every sci-fi geek/manís man in the world. Iíve
been reading about this movie for the last twelve years and itís finally
come out. Realizing that they had a good thing going last summer with
Jason vs. Freddy, perhaps Hollywood decided that it was now time
If youíve done your brushing up with the classic Alien
movies and the not quite classic Predator movies, youíre familiar
with not only their mythology, but their biology as well. And with that
youíll be able to figure out the plotline for Alien vs. Predator.
But I think that most people will agree that this movieís
not about plot. Alien vs. Predator is not about the unknown actors
and actresses that are really, really hoping that this movie will make
them stars instead of yet another chestburster victim.
This movie is about seven-foot dreadlocked monsters armed
to the teeth going up against an army of pure savagery and efficient
Thereís not much to say about this movie. Iím not trying
to cop out on you here, but it really just needs to be seen for itself.
Iím going to say only one more thing and itís a compliment to this movie:
I forgot itís rated PG-13.
The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (0)
youíre a mentally retarded thirteen-year-old girl with a clubfoot, bad
taste, and a third nipple, there is no reason whatsoever for you to
see this movie. Even if you have a mentally retarded thirteen-year-old
girl with a clubfoot, bad taste, and a third nipple who wants you to
take her to this movie.
Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie (0)
to reader: this review was written with the intention that the reader
is toimagine it being told to them in the voice of Grandpa Simpson.
Some albums are mixed to be played loudly just as some reviews are meant
to be read in funny voices. I donít know. Try it both ways and let me
in my day, cartoons were somewhat senseless and excessively violent.
Hell, it wasnít a cartoon unless there was an anvil being dropped on
someoneís head with the name Acme on
now things are different. Saturday morning cartoons are no longer a
reward for a long, hard week of school. Theyíre half-hour commercials
designed to sell juice boxes, playing cards, shoelaces, and the like.
things are even worse when you canít even sell this kind of garbage
with good old American ingenuity! Nowadays, they have to get Japanese
cartoons full of characters with enormous eyes. Not even the good Japanese
cartoons with lots of boobs, killing, and chinchillas!
disgusted with the greed of those responsible with taking a marginally
entertaining imported cartoon and turning it into a money-sucking vacuum
designed to swipe college funds and piggy banks.
letís not forget Yu-Gi-Oh himself! I first met Yu-Gi-Oh in a bar in
Brooklyn in 1929. Little did I know that he would become the future
Mrs. G. Gordon Liddy and start his own infomercial studio to the stars.
was one of those movies that chased me away a little bit more each time
I saw the preview. I remember reading the initial press and thinking,
ďMichael Mann? Yes! Tom Cruise? Okay. Jaime Foxx? UmmmÖĒ Then
as time went on, I saw numerous previews and was put off by Cruiseís
seemingly ham-on-white-bread performace, but was vaguely intrigued by
Foxxís non-idiotic delivery. This and the film looked great, too.
Whatís a film geek to do?
So Iíve got an in at Dreamworks and the opportunity to
see if for free (and get paid thirty bucks) came my way. I was had nothing
to lose, and it was this rationale that stripped me of any excuses not
to see Collateral.
And I wasnít disappointed in the least.
Maybe itís the fact that I didnít have to pay a cent to
see it talking. The tidy sum I was paid to see this movie wasnít exactly
shutting that fact up either. But Collateral was a really good
movie, though you may not realize that right away.
I was stricken by disillusionment, walking out of the
theater. Tom Cruiseís seemingly feeble attempt for an Oscar. That cheesy
chase scene I saw eight times already this summer. The frayed closure
of the filmís final scenes. All of these things had me silently griping,
but the realization came to me that I was perhaps being too harsh.
When in the hell has anybody ever made a movie that was
devoid of either a sappy, overacted, underacted, or otherwise flawed
scene? Even the first Star Wars movie wasnít perfect.
It was then that I reassessed the movie and realized how
good it was. The chemistry between Cruise and Foxx was something I forgot
existed. Mann made me forget Manhunter and the fact that he created
Miami Vice with the look of the movie (that look, incidentally,
is what people who actually went to school to become film critics are
calling ďneo-noir.Ē) Nobody (not even Cruise) overacted. It had just
enough funny parts to keep it from looking desperate. The intentional
or unintentional Fight Club borrowing was nice too. The dialogue
was astonishing, for crissakes!
So did I like it? Yes.
Would I recommend it? Yeah. I would.
So thatís all you need to know. But I will add in the
fact that this is the kind of movie that is way better suited for a
fall release. Itís by no means the typical piece of popcorn selling
crap that studios generally release during the warmer months to compete
with a sequel. Collateral is like that really cute girl down
at Chippewa wearing the snugly-fit Sonic Youth babydoll-tee who doesnít
fit in there but is just along for the ride with her hoochie friends.
And if you actually go and talk to that girl guys, you just might discover
that you like her a little bit more than youíre willing to admit. And
you just might make a friendÖ†
Little Black Book
the last year or so that Iíve been writing reviews for The BEAST, Iíve
had to either rely on the kindness (in one way or another) of others
or just plain fork up out of my own pocket to see the movies I review.
But Little Black Book was the first movie (with the exception
of Greg Sterlaceís Failure) that I got an actual sneak pass to
see at no cost to me through the paper. And it was kind of like losing
your virginity to that obnoxious girl in high school whoís not too gross,
but she always hangs out either in the shop wing or with the drama geeks.
Little Black Book the preview and Little Black
Book the movie are two separate animals. The preview leads
you to believe that Brittany Murphy is playing(?) some jealous nutbag
who swipes her boyfriendís palm pilot to see if heís cheating on her.
The movie itself is slightly more intelligent than the preview in the
sense that itís a tugboat chugging into the waters where ocean liners
such as Network and Broadcast News have set up shop. Itís
Grace Slick invited by Patty Nixon to the White House in 1972 and trying
to slip some acid into the punch bowl (but ultimately getting kicked
out by secret servicemen after being there less than two minutes).
Brittany Murphy acts like Luanne (her character on King
of the Hill) for most of the movie. Itís okay when you know ďThat
70ís ShowĒ is coming on in twenty minutes, but when youíve got to deal
with it for an hour and a half it takes a lot out of you. Iím sure that
Murphy is going to be a big star someday if she gets the right roles.
She was fantastic in Girl, Interrupted and Drop Dead Gorgeous,
but sheís not going home with that little gold man anytime soon if she
keeps this sort of chicanery up.